Not Engaged Yet

why do parents do this....

Re: why do parents do this....

  • edited December 2011
  • loopy82loopy82 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    2 months prior might be cutting it close a little bit, but if you aren't engaged yet I don't think you need to be making any plans prior to being engaged. Think up stuff, look at ideas sure, but plans don't need to be made yet. Finishing school I think should be the number 1 priority.
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  • edited December 2011
    My emoticon was undecided because i am undecided. ;)


    How old are you, Clarissa?  The way you say "discussing future plans today with college and wedding stuff" makes me feel like you're just out of high school, so correct me if I'm wrong. 

    Take it from another not engaged girl.  Don't plan anything yet.  Talking about the future is fine, but if you don't have a ring on your finger, its because he isn't ready to put it there.  And nothing needs to happen until BOTH of you are ready.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I agree, you should chill out on the wedding stuff and concentrate on school instead. Sure, it's exciting. But a year and a half is still FAR in advance. Who knows what could happen between now and the time you get engaged.

    It's normal to be excited and even to look at things and think "That's something I might like to do." But you seem to be getting ahead of yourself. I agree with your mom (not 2 months, but at least wait until you're engaged.... and even then, you won't need more than a year to plan).
    Anniversary
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_parents-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c7409573-8c57-4ab4-a0c3-839efbce9de2Post:47d7e6fd-4358-4fe7-b5da-fa728256bf97">why do parents do this....</a>:
    [QUOTE]So Im not engaged yet but we are planning things for about a year and a half down the road...Well I was discussing future plans today with college and wedding stuff. My mom told me I shouldnt plan anything right now...Im pissed because I love thinking stuff up and now she doesnt want me to really plan to get married till about 2 months before the wedding.....I know it probably doesnt make any sense to you but I was quite upset about it.....
    Posted by 10clarissa[/QUOTE]

    As you are 17 years old, and not engaged, I have to agree with your mother. You should not be planning your non-existent wedding. You're not even "potentially" getting married until November 2011, which gives you plenty of time to not plan and enjoy life.
  • edited December 2011
    I can't read this post without thinking about "Clarissa Knows It All".

    I'm just going to go ahead and call MUD.  No one plays this well into stereotypes, ticker and all, right?
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh, I remember that show!
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_november-2011-weddings_111111-brides-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:651Discussion:10348126Post:62761628">11/11/11 Brides Only!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I too am getting married on 11/11/11. All summer long we were trying to figure out a date that would work for 2 or 3 years down the road. The reason is he is now in Africa and will be for 2 years. He will be home in September of 2011. We didnt want it to close to the holidays and before we start college. So I talked to my brothers girl friend and she mentioned this date so we decided it would be great!!! Also we are young....im 17 and will be 18 soon and he is 19 so 2 years gives us plenty of time to save and mature. I cant wait to get married and I have been thinkging about it all day!!! Congrats to everyone that is getting married this day also.
    Posted by 10clarissa[/QUOTE]

    Yet, somehow you are not engaged because you just got a 'scare' in October...
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_proposals_scare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:40Discussion:10476374Post:10476374">my scare</a>:
    [QUOTE]My boyfriend is in the National Guard and over the summer he was gone for a month and so when he got back he said we were going on a date. That next weekend was the date. For the afternoon he "planned" a picnic (getting KFC chicken) and went to a river and ate our lunch. When we got to the car he pulled out a present and gave it to me. I opened it and it was a photo album that said "Our Journey" and said I would get the rest of the present tonight. So I was freaking out because I didnt know what it could be and I was trying to put the album with what it could be. I thought it would be a ring. So that night after dinner we went back to the river and he had planned to walk around it. We got a little ways and he wanted to turn around. He asked me what my dream is to be proposed to. I said I wanted it to be a surprise and by then I knew what was coming. We got to a bench and we sat down. He stretched and put his arm over my shoulder. I looked at his hand and it was a box. My heart was racing! I grabbed it and unwrapped it then opened it. It was a Journey necklace. I was so happy and relieved. Because he is now in Africa for 2 years and that would be one long engagement. I am waiting for him to come back and I do have a promise ring.  When I told him what was going through my head and I thought he was going to propose he laughed at me because he thought it was funny he scared me. I would have said yes if he would have asked. He just didnt want me to feel tied down while he is gone for 2 years.
    Posted by 10clarissa[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, it sounds like someone wants a warm body to come home to without the actual commitment. 

    Plus no matter what your age, planning a wedding for 2 months after the two of you will have spent 2 years apart sounds like a very bad idea.
  • edited December 2011
    Noelle, unfortunately she has been posting on her club board since November. Cry
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So your boyfriend is in Africa for the next 2 years, but you've already picked out your wedding colors? And already agonizing over how to tell your friends they aren't your BMs?

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_november-2011-weddings_111111-brides-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:651Discussion:10348126Post:62761628">11/11/11 Brides Only!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I too am getting married on 11/11/11. All summer long we were trying to figure out a date that would work for 2 or 3 years down the road. The reason is he is now in Africa and will be for 2 years. He will be home in September of 2011. We didnt want it to close to the holidays and before we start college. So I talked to my brothers girl friend and she mentioned this date so we decided it would be great!!! Also we are young....im 17 and will be 18 soon and he is 19 so 2 years gives us plenty of time to save and mature. I cant wait to get married and I have been thinkging about it all day!!! Congrats to everyone that is getting married this day also.
    Posted by 10clarissa[/QUOTE]


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_november-2011-weddings_dress-shopping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:651Discussion:10340401Post:f2ab73dc-dc99-4efc-b777-2e38163d3f23">Re: Dress Shopping?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know how you feel. I have been looking and I found the perfect one. My parents dont want me to get one though because its to "soon". But yes everyone thinks im crazy that its 2 years away and im aldready planning
    Posted by 10clarissa[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_november-2011-weddings_roll-call?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:651Discussion:9eb0f86d-7f22-4179-a9e8-47ecd51605c8Post:56e89879-d0d0-4838-9603-656740eebf2a">Re: ROLL CALL!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]. just so you all know im young....will be 18 soon. I know everyone says Im to young to know what love it but I can reasure you that I know A LOT and have been through a lot. He is my future and I cant imagine life without him :) Posted by 10clarissa[/QUOTE]
  • edited December 2011
    OOOHHHHH, I get it!

    Your mom doesn't want you to plan the wedding until he gets back and is actually in the same COUNTRY as you. Meaning, she doesn't think you should get married in November 2011.

    I still agree with your mom, only more so now. Parent's "do this" because they're not as dumb as you think they are when you're a teenager. Trust me, when you're about 25 you'll realise Mom knows a LOT more than you gave her credit for. And she just keeps getting wiser after that.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Kat, don't you feel like every single one of her posts is .
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    yes mutley, yes. *sigh
  • edited December 2011
    Also, I'm not saying things won't work out between you and your BF. People always told me that FI and I wouldn't work out because we were long distance for years. So, I'm not going to predict your relationship or anything.

    All I can tell you is I was a 17 year old girl once, and 17 year old girls shouldn't plan weddings. Been there, done that, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

    Seriously. College. Friends. By all means, write letters and send emails and talk on the phone to your BF when you can. It may all turn out just great. But you're way too early on the wedding bit.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I just wanted to clarify that it isn't being in an LDR that concerns me.  It is the whole spending 2 years apart (and barely seeing one another due to being in separate countries without the true ability to travel) and getting married immediately upon his return that concerns me - no matter what age you are.   
  • edited December 2011
    I think I just barfed a little reading those posts.  I can't deal with this at the moment.  Night ladies!
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    OP, there are several things that concern me about your situation.

    1. You're 17 years old. You simply need more time to grow and develop as as individual. You just haven't been able to go through enough life experience at this time in your life.

    2. You're going to be on different continents for 2 years. Not only is this emotionally difficult, but it WILL change your relationship (not necessarily in a bad way.)

    3. When he DOES return, you will both be different people. Your relationship will need time to adjust to that. Jumping into marriage is not adjusting.

    4. Please don't get married before you go to college. You will be missing out of one of the greatest experience of your life. It might still be good, but it will be different and you will not develop the same friendships you would if you were not married.

    5. You both have yet to become adults with responsibilities (like paying for insurance, paying the heat bill, buying your groceries, living off your own paycheck.). Please do this before you get married. You truly need to be able to support yourself as an individual before you can support your husband.


    And please stop referring to your BF as your FI and stop planning your wedding. You are only robbing yourself of a wonderful experience.

  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_parents-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c7409573-8c57-4ab4-a0c3-839efbce9de2Post:5b3d564e-0a6b-4e96-a13e-32e8e46f1748">Re: why do parents do this....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think I just barfed a little reading those posts.  I can't deal with this at the moment.  Night ladies!
    Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

    I'm with Noelle. I threw up a little bit in my mouth reading this.

    I'm glad kat and Mutley took the time to write you substantive replies. I just can't bring myself to waste my time. Call me cynical, but I just don't think you'll listen to a word anyone else has to say. You'll just keep insisting you're growner than what you are.

    Le sigh.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You should listen to everything the PPs have said. 17 is really young to be planning a wedding especially if your BF is in a different country and you wont see him for 2 years. Just take a deep breath and start enjoying life right now. If you spend these years focused on a wedding 2 years in the future you are going to miss out on all the great experiences that you could be having now. Go to college, meet new people, and have new experiences. When your BF comes back take the time to readjust to being able to see each other again and essentially getting to know each other again because you WILL both change. dont just jump into marriage. You are young and you have so much time to experience life, don't waste it by moving to fast.

    I know you think that we don't understand or your situation is unique but trust me I know how situations like yours often turn out. Alot of my friends are LDS and they go on 2 year missions when they are 18. When they leave so many of them have girlfriends who say they will wait for them and more often than not they get "dear johned" or when they get back they find out that they have grown apart from that person. Im not saying this will for sure happen to you and your BF but its important to remember that life pretty much never goes according to plan.

    So I hope you listen to all the things these smart women have been telling you as well as your mom because they are older and wiser and in the end you will be glad that you did.


  • lzimm13lzimm13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm with Mutley on the space/time thing. 

    I went to FL (1200 mi from home) for 4 months at the age of 20. Note: same continent, dramatically shorter than the span of which you speak. We talked EVERYDAY, (not something that is necessarily readily available where he's going) and it was HARD, really really HARD and it changed our relationship. I knew it would change, I just didn't know how and thats what scared me. Fortunately, it changed us for the better but my room mates (who also made it those 4 months in a LDR) didn't have that same experience. It's different for everyone. I'm not going to beg you to think about this but its a good idea to just relax for a while..I mean you are 17 thats still really young
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto Mutley, Jenna, Katanne, and everyone else giving you the same great advice.
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with everything that PP's said but have another question, how long have you and BF/FI/whatever been dating?
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  • edited December 2011
    These ladies have given excellent advice... I hope that you are willing to listen.  Good luck with everything... planning to marry him is not a bad thing necessarily... however planning to marry him immediately upon his arrival from not seeing each other for 2 years... I have to agree that is a really bad idea.  If things work the way you imagine and your relationship is strengthened and stands the test of time then waiting a few more months or even longer will still be more than worth it in the end.  For now enjoy your childhood and transition into adulthood, talk to BF when you can and see what happens.

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  • edited December 2011
    Parents do this because they are smarter than you, they know more than you, they have more life expirence and want what is best for you. You're just a kid.

    I'd be shell shocked if you had a single thing in common with him and remained friends when he got back.
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  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
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    edited December 2011
    This makes my head hurt.  Listen to what the PPs said, child.

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  • babybchbumbabybchbum member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to PP. They aren't trying to be harsh they are just giving you the reality check that your mother is trying to give you as well.

    You are young and spending 2 years apart is tough and causes a lot of strain on your relationship since you will hardly if ever see one another. RELAX and enjoy the time you all are dating and worry about your marriage (notice I didn't say wedding, because it is more than just a huge show) when he proposes.
  • edited December 2011

    Oh lord...

    Ok, first of all, you're seventeen. In most states, you're not even legally allowed to be married without parental consent. That should tell you that you're probably too young to be planning a wedding.

    Second of all, it sounds so cliched and fuddy-duddy but it's true - who you are as a person changes dramatically between 18 and 25. Who I was at 16, 17, 18 is nearly unrecognizable to who am I now. While those changes that happen to you may not harm your relationship, it will change it, and you need to allow enough time for your relationship to adapt and develop to the changes that occur in both you and him in the next few years.

    Third of all, no person - regardless of age - should be married until they are financially independent. Until you can pay your own rent and bills, do your own grocery shopping and laundry, and have lived independently for some time, you should not be married. Having that time to financially support yourself and establishing yourself independently of your parents is crucial to becoming a functioning member of society, as well as a functioning member of an adult relationship.


    Fourth, for the love of god, QUIT PLANNING YOUR WEDDING. 1) That should be a joint effort between you and your FI (when he can actually be called your FI) - not something you dream up and tell him about afterwards. Contrary to what you may see on Bridezillas, it's his wedding just as much as it's yours. 2) What you want for your wedding can completely change in the span of several years - hell, in the span of an engagement. When I was 18, I always imagined a fall wedding in Ohio with a ton of people and lots of bridesmaids burgundy dresses. Now, I'm praying our guest list is under 100 and we're having a laidback beach-themed navy blue wedding.


    Look, I speak from personal experience...my college sweetheart was a foreign exchange student from France. We dated for two years and we're talking marriage. After 6 months together in undergraduate, I graduated and returned home to Ohio, and he returned to France. We saw each other maybe 3-4 times in the next 1 1/2 years of our relationship because we couldn't afford the travel costs. In the span of that year and a half, I changed quite a bit and he did too...what he wanted in a marriage and a romantic relationship was suddenly different than what I wanted. We ended up breaking up, and five years later, I'm engaged to the perfect man for me and my ex is flying over from Paris for the wedding. People change. You owe it to him, and most importantly, to yourself, to give your life and your relationship time to adapt to those changes without tying yourself down with a legally binding agreement.


    I honestly hope you take the time to sit and read all the advice the girls on here have given you...I also have this sneaky feeling that we'll be seeing a "you don't understand me, I don't have to defend myself to you, etc." kinda post sometime soon, but I'm hoping I'm wrong.

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  • edited December 2011
    Parents do this because they love you. Look, I'm not going to yell at you and tell you you're too young, because I truly believe that love can exist at that age. My mom was 17 when she married my dad, but he was already established in a well paying job and had been living independently for a while. My mom graduated early and worked 40 hours a week and took night classes so she could afford to go to college. Still, they lived a very very poor lifestyle for so many years. My mom still refuses to cook Hamburger Helper because she promised my dad 20 years ago that as soon as they had money to afford to eat right, she wouldn't ever cook him Hamburger Helper again. It's about all they ever ate.This is the future you're looking at. When he comes back, he's going to be a totally different man. I'm assuming he's about the same age as you are, and that he's leaving right after he graduates. That makes him 17/18. Biologically speaking, this is the time when he "grows up". These next two years are crucial to his development. He's going to change emotionally, physically, and mentally. You may not even recognize him when he comes back. You can't plan to marry him when you don't even know who he'll be in 2 years.

    Also, you really are missing out on college things. It's hard being engaged and being in college. I can't study abroad because I don't want to leave my FI/DH behind, and I can't leave him without my income. We both have to balance work and school, and I have to give up living on campus to save money for the wedding and our future. I'm working on aggressively paying down my student loans so we won't have as much debt by the time we get married. I only have $5000 in loans thus far, but if I pay as much as I can every month (around $200, and I can only pay that until we get married. We need that $200) it's still going to take me 3 or 4 years to make them go away, and I'll have much more debt by then. This is how it's going to be for you.

    I'm not saying it's impossible. My FI and I are young and we're doing it, but we're doing it with blesisngs and support from both our parents, and with an understanding about money and adult responsibilites. Both he and I have been living as financially independently as possible for the past year. There's absolutely no way we could do it otherwise. Besides, our wedding is a year and a half from now. June 30, 2011, tentatively. We haven't even really done much and we've been engaged for a month now. It's too soon. Nobody wants to book that far in advance and I don't want to put down a deposit until I'm SURE it's what I want. I used to think I'd need this time to plan, but it only took me about a week to see how wrong I was. And my ideas keep changing. There's a difference in planning when you're still dating and when you're engaged. It's more real, so you have to be absolutely sure it's what you want. It's okay to dream about what you want for your wedding. I think everyone does that. But don't plan anything. Don't buy anything. It's way too early for that. There are too many things that aren't refundable and you'll lose so much money, which you will need when you're in college.

    Enjoy college. Enjoy life. I know it feels tough and I know it seems like 2 years is forever, but you'll see how short it really is. My FI and I have been together for over a year and a half. When I look back at our relationship it seems both impossibly short and incredibly long. I'm sure that when I look back on the year and a half before our marriage, I will think the same thing. The waiting is hard some days, but you WILL get through it and you'll have more than enough time to plan. My cousin put together a beautiful wedding in 5 months, and a friend of mine did one in 4. 2 months is cutting it close, but I know you don't need even a year and a half, much less 2 years. So if the absolute only thing you take away from this message is that 2 years is too much planning time, then okay. At least you got something. Truly, you'll kick yourself if you start this soon. I can't tell you how many times I've changed my mind in the past MONTH and I haven't even DONE anything. I was SURE of what I wanted until I actually got engaged. Consider that one for a bit. But please don't forget what the PP's and myself have said. This National Guard thing is going to be really really hard. REALLY hard. My cousin married a guardsman and she's my BFF so I hear all about it. He hasn't even shipped out yet and it's hard for her. She has to prepare for how he'll be when he comes back because you NEVER KNOW how they're going to change when they're over there. And really, you should enjoy college. I have no regrets about my choice to get married while still in school. None. It is my choice to marry the man I love and give up on so many other magnificent things. But I don't think you're prepared to make that decision yet, if only because you don't even really know what's out there. Travel. Live. Enjoy college. Enjoy being 17. Gosh, I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on that. Take your BF out and have dinner and go bowling, but don't drag him around to all the wedding shops just yet. Give it time. Please. Your parents are right. When he gets back, if you still love each other, they will support you and help you. But right now, they want you to be smart about it. I agree with them 100%...98%. That whole "2 months" thing IS a bit short. But the other 98%? Golden.
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  • edited December 2011
    From her old bio:
    "So we went to his house and sat down to watch a movie together. He kissed me that night. It was amazing and I had never felt the butterflies when Ive kissed guys before until now. So we have been together since that night and we are doing very well."

    You definitely sound like a teenager, AND THAT'S NOT A BAD THING!!! Enjoy being young and excited and silly! Don't rush into marriage. If you plan on being with him anyway, what's waiting going to hurt? Go to college. Experience life for a bit. If you find that you still both want to be together, then get married after you have a job and are financially established.

    GL
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