start planning now?

Jessjoy727

Hello everyone! Hope Monday has treated everyone well haha. I have a question for all of you. My boyfriend and I have sat down and picked out a date ( May 7th) and he has expressed that he does NOT want to go past that date...he even said that if anything he would like it to be sooner. My problem is that I know he will not be proposing till probably November/December time ( he is a photographer and is waiting for certain jobs to pay for the ring I guess...I told him to not pay too much for a ring b/c no matter what he gets I know I will love it anyway) anyways, that would leave me with only about 4 or 5 months to plan and I am stressing that I wouldn't have enough time. Now being that I have never planned a wedding, I have no idea how much time it would take to plan such a thing, I've heard everything from "you don't need too much time" to " you need at least a year" I wasn't wanting to start planning until we are officially engaged but I'm starting to get a little stressed about it. Do you think that would be enough time or do you think I should try to push the date back a little farther? Advice would be great!!
Thanks everyone in advance!

-Jess Joy

catemeg

That would be enough time.  However, if you both just want to agree that you're engaged (without a ring) and move forward with planning, then go for it!  He can get the ring later, or you can pick it out together, and you can still have a "proposal" if you really want.  You could have a proposal without a ring, or with a costume ring, pending a real ring.  All of those are possibilities.

The general opinion here seems to be that you don't need a ring to have an engagement.  All you need are two people who have agreed and committed to getting married, and who both want to start planning the wedding.

oceana919

1) You are engaged when you both consider yourselves to be engaged, whether there is a ring involved or not. You don't necessarily need to have a ring to be engaged.

2) Whether or not five months is enough time to do all of your wedding planning and preparation honestly depends on a lot of factors. Where do you live? Is it considered a popular time for weddings in your area? How large of a wedding are you having? How formal/casual of an event? What is your personal schedule like (work, school, etc.)? How much or how little DIY do you want to do? What kind of budget are you looking at, and how long will it take for you to save that amount of money? It doesn't hurt to kind of get a basic idea/grasp on these factors before you decide how long of an engagement period you need to accomplish all of your planning and preparation.

There are girls on this board who pulled off wedding planning in under 6 mos. We're taking almost 1.5 years, and given our crazy schedules, we need every single minute of that time to accomplish what we want and save up the money we need.

I would say, at this point in time, you should sit down with your BF and discuss the following:

a) Whether or not you consider yourselves engaged
b) Whether or not you are both comfortable with planning when you are not "officially" engaged
c) What kind of ballpark budget and guest count you're thinking of
d) How much money you need to save and how long that will realistically take
e) What kind of general feel/style you're going for (formal or casual, outdoor or indoor, backyard cookout or formal sit-down dinner, etc.)

I would strongly discourage you from booking any vendors or making any purchases until you both consider yourselves engaged, but I think it's a smart idea to discuss some of the above-mentioned ideas together. This will give you a strong foundation to work off of and will make the planning process (when you actually dive into it) a lot easier.

heyimbren

Ditto Oceana. She laid it out very nicely for you.

Ana_2985

I second everything Oceana said.

Also, I understand that photography might be the type of career where you don't have a set, steady paycheck.  But if you don't have the money for a certain ring now, maybe you two should discuss finances again before you make any big decisions.  I realize a ring is a one-time purchase, but if you two get married will you be able to afford everything you need?  Housing?  Cars?  Insurance?  Food?  I could be very wrong, but when people say they can't buy a right now it worries me a little bit.  I just think you should only get what you can afford.

bajediva

Oceana is wise. I am Bajediva, and I approve her message.

Elle1036

5 months should be plenty of time to plan a wedding, if it's important to you to wait until you're officially engaged.  However, iif it were me, I would go ahead and book the venue.  BF and I know exactly where we want to get married, and certain venues can book up a year in advance.  So, if that's important to you, you might want to look into that.

katanne9

Listen to Oceana!!

A. You do not need a year to plan. 6 months is plenty of time.

B. You can be engaged without a ring and get that later if you so desire.

Do what's right for you. Just don't start planning unless you're engaged.

loopy82

What I have learned is it doesn't matter how much time you have leading up to the wedding the last few days are bound to be stressful!! Good luck!

breezerb

*holds up sign*

Oceana for Prez!!!

Jessjoy727

Thanks everyone for your advice!! Oceana I agree with you, I will have to sit down with the BF again and go over those things. I should have clarified when I said that he was waiting for certain jobs that he already has those jobs booked but they pay a lot and I guess he has an idea of what he wants to pay for the ring so he is waiting until he gets paid for the job he has already booked. We have sat down and viewed every aspect of our finances to make sure we could afford to get married and fortunately we can, but you make a very valid point Ana I would say that we consider ourselves engaged and he has even asked if we could go look at venues together but the only reason I was hesitant till we "offficially" got engaged was because I have met some resistance with certain friends about planning before...but I guess I shouldn't pay attention to that anyways. Thanks again so much for the advice, I definitely feel a lot better about things!

jeanacorina

Jess, there's no "unofficially engaged." If you and your dude-person agree that you are engaged, then you should go right ahead and plan your wedding.

If you and your dude-person do not agree that you are engaged, you should wait and plan your wedding when you ARE engaged.

There is so much that can change once you ACTUALLY get engaged. Budget, guest list, preferred date, all need to be sorted before venue.

Sit him down and see where you guys stand. But don't do any planning until you're engaged. It's not necessary. You can have a beautiful wedding in 5 months, or you can have a beautiful wedding in 2 years. It all depends on how flexible you are. I planned my wedding in 8 months and it was plenty of time. Of couse I was still stressed beyond belief, but all the time in the world wouldn't have changed that.

KD+BC

I also want to add that if you are going to have a short engagement you have to be flexible. The specific date you like might not be available but the weekend before is or something similar. If you don't feel that you can be flexible and want what you want, you should push the wedding back slightly.

Don't start planning now. What happens if (god forbid) your bf loses some jobs and doesn't have the money to get you a ring? Will you still get married (and I'd be ok with this but would you)? What if he just doesn't propose? Wait until you are engaged to actually plan. You may find that once you're engaged you want a fall wedding after all, it happened to me!

kathleenmaeve

Jess, I'm actually in (sort of) a similar situation.  I posted on here a couple days ago for advice and now that I've talked more with the BF and thought about things, the better I feel.  In my case, the actual ring and proposal is on hold until the ring comes in (I'm a funky size: 4 3/4 so it has to be specially-made and was delayed beyond that too).  Yet, we've decided on a venue and a month for next fall (2011) but are going to wait until we are officially "engaged" to book things like florists, caterers, etc.

As far as the time it takes to plan, I would die if I had to plan in 6 months.  As a grad student in a dual-Ph.D. program working full time on a dissertation, it would be absolutely impossible for me to plan a wedding in a short time frame and maintain sanity.  I'm also a "planner" and stress less if I plan ahead. Since I know both things about myself, I have done research prior to actually getting the ring on my finger.  My BF also knows this about me and I talked with him and he was fine with everything.

Ultimately, I think that the time it takes to plan is really dependent upon  your individual job/family situation and who you are as a person.  If you're a go with the flow person and can handle uncertainty for a little, then it probably won't take as long.  If you're a control freak (ha, like I am!) then maybe you need longer.  Overall, Oceana is right and if you talk to your BF about things then it will all work out one way or another. 

Congratulations on your engagement to be engaged (as I describe my situation)! 

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_start-planning-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:cd19f041-5e71-43b0-bc30-931abb664554Post:d1ce3adb-3f5b-4372-b85c-3500e0365cd0">Re: start planning now?</a>:
[QUOTE]Jess, I'm actually in (sort of) a similar situation.  I posted on here a couple days ago for advice and now that I've talked more with the BF and thought about things, the better I feel.  In my case, the actual ring and proposal is on hold until the ring comes in (I'm a funky size: 4 3/4 so it has to be specially-made and was delayed beyond that too).  Yet, we've decided on a venue and a month for next fall (2011) but are going to wait until we are <strong>officially "engaged"</strong> to book things like florists, caterers, etc. As far as the time it takes to plan, I would die if I had to plan in 6 months.  As a grad student in a dual-Ph.D. program working full time on a dissertation, it would be absolutely impossible for me to plan a wedding in a short time frame and maintain sanity.  I'm also a "planner" and stress less if I plan ahead. Since I know both things about myself, I have done research prior to actually getting the ring on my finger.  My BF also knows this about me and I talked with him and he was fine with everything. Ultimately, I think that the time it takes to plan is really dependent upon  your individual job/family situation and who you are as a person.  If you're a go with the flow person and can handle uncertainty for a little, then it probably won't take as long.  If you're a control freak (ha, like I am!) then maybe you need longer.  Overall, Oceana is right and if you talk to your BF about things then it will all work out one way or another.  Congratulations on your <strong>engagement to be engaged</strong> (as I describe my situation)!  :)
Posted by kathleenmaeve[/QUOTE]


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PaigeMcC

Damnit, we lost another kitten!!

jeanacorina

But... but.... I love kittens.

dwest2201

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_start-planning-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:cd19f041-5e71-43b0-bc30-931abb664554Post:85ece40c-004e-4078-a6c4-96cbe190e6da">Re: start planning now?</a>:
[QUOTE]Damnit, we lost another kitten!!
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

Haha, keep it up ladies!  Only about a billion more times and I can breathe freely without taking Claritin-D! 

The Lab

I'm confused about what the big rush is.  Why does it have to be that date?  Why not wait and see what happens, save up in the mean time, THEN make the decision?  Putting together a wedding is stressful enough, why put yourself through this added pressure to piece everything together under a deadline?  Take your time!   I'm probably just out of touch.  It comes with being an old spinster. 

katanne9

I'm confused as to why 4 3/4 is a "funky size".

My jeweler just said "we need to size your ring down to 4 3/4". Bada bing bada boom.

kathleenmaeve

@ katanne9: I know, right?  apparently, size 4 3/4 needs to be "specially made" and that can take months...according to this store. i'm confused as you are!

kathleenmaeve

p.s. RIP kitties haha, i said it.

Goldlie11

I'm in NYC and things tend to book up fast.  It's a tough call.  I can tell you that May is one of the most popular months for weddings.  So you're going to have to be really flexible with your planning.  I just found out that the DJ I wanted is booked and I'm more than 10 months away from my wedding.  My DOC told me she has already booked dates in 2012 (and that was months ago).  Not to mention that some bridal salons, especially the high end ones, require you to buy your dress 9+ months in advance.  

Personally, I wouldn't want to plan a wedding in 4- 5 months.  I would push the date back or see if you can both agree that you're engaged without the ring.  JMHO.