Please, Leave The Kid at Home

bsidebella

We have friends (a husband and wife) who have a now 4 year old boy. We like these friends a lot and we like their kid (sometimes). FI invited them over to watch the "Doctor Who" Christmas special next month, but when he told me he invited them, I said, "Is there a nice way to ask them to come sans bebe?"

Now, I'm sure you all know how I feel about kids. But hear me out.

Our apartment is very cluttered. We have 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound bag. Our living room is dominated by a very large couch, a glass coffee table and a very old, large wall unit with heavy glass doors. The rabbit occupies most of the dining room (and is skittish). The kitchen is still full of boxes with stuff my mom gave me before she moved. Don't even get me started on the state of the bedroom.

We simply have no room for a kid - a 4 year old - to come to our apartment and feel comfortable. We don't really have running around space or kid-friendly toys or books or games. Nothing that would keep a 4 year old occupied for the 90 minutes it would take for the grownups to watch "Doctor Who" in peace.

FI managed to get the wife on the phone today and explained in a nice, subtle way that our apartment was not very kid friendly at this point in time. She said, "I understand". But for some reason I feel bad about having to come right out and let it known that we can't have her, her husband and her kid here. They often do not get invited places because they make a habit of bringing their kid when their kid has not been invited. Also, the last time one of FI's friends came over, she brought her two rambunctious young sons (ages 2 and 4) without asking and it traumatized me. I feel like now when kids are a possibility, I have to make it clear we want to keep it childfree. 
 
Were we rude about it? Is it fair to ask friends to not bring their kids to our apartment?

Has anyone else had to go through a similar situation where they had to ask someone to not bring their children somewhere? How did you handle it? Did it change your friendship?

becunning2

I'm on the opposite end since I love kids and I'm happy when my friends bring their kiddos over to my house. (I have a stockpile of crayons and colored pencils and paper... and "older" age kids books--I should get some kid books for toddlers). 

But that being said, I don't think it's unfair for you as the host to say, please do not bring kids. That's okay for you to do, and it's your perogative. But it is often hard for parents to make arrangements for childcare/babysitting/whatever (let alone pay for it if money is tight), so many times they will have to decline to come if they can't bring their kiddos. And if you'd rather them not come at all than without their kiddo, that's, again, totally your perogative as host. 

But if your friends show up with their kiddo in tow, it's rude to turn them away at that point. Just explain less subtly that it's a kid-free zone for any future get togethers. Or quit inviting them.

Ollie08

I agree with becunning for the most part. Being a parent, I'm not offended if I'm invited to an "Adult only" get together. I think it's perfectly fine for you to request that considering you don't have children. Even if you did have children, I would be ok with it as long as your kids weren't there either. I'm fine as long as I'm not singled out as a parent that only my kids aren't invited.

With that said, you need to be completely ok with the fact that they might not be able to come, or that they refuse to go anywhere without their child. Persoanlly, I really enjoy a night out with friends without the girls. We take advantage of that time and enjoy ourselves. Other people aren't like that.

dwest2201

As long as it came across nicely I wouldn't be upset.  My child is very well behaved, but I wouldn't expect him to be quiet for an entire 90 minutes, so I would probably not think that bringing him along was a good idea to begin with.  However, because I only have my son half (well a little more usually) the time I rarely get a sitter, and would probably turn down an invite such as this to stay home with my son. 

Bowlingchick825

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-leave-kid-home?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2408458-18b7-490c-b540-8bdc208aba5dPost:a6925596-0d02-4f6a-b667-80f8f451f313">Please, Leave The Kid at Home</a>:
[QUOTE]We have friends (a husband and wife) who have a now 4 year old boy. We like these friends a lot and we like their kid (sometimes). FI invited them over to watch the "Doctor Who" Christmas special next month, but when he told me he invited them, I said, "Is there a nice way to ask them to come sans bebe ?" Now, I'm sure you all know how I feel about kids. But hear me out. Our apartment is very cluttered. We have 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound bag. Our living room is dominated by a very large couch, a glass coffee table and a very old, large wall unit with heavy glass doors. The rabbit occupies most of the dining room (and is skittish). The kitchen is still full of boxes with stuff my mom gave me before she moved. Don't even get me started on the state of the bedroom. We simply have no room for a kid - a 4 year old - to come to our apartment and feel comfortable. We don't really have running around space or kid-friendly toys or books or games. Nothing that would keep a 4 year old occupied for the 90 minutes it would take for the grownups to watch "Doctor Who" in peace. FI managed to get the wife on the phone today and explained in a nice, subtle way that our apartment was not very kid friendly at this point in time. She said, "I understand". But for some reason I feel bad about having to come right out and let it known that we can't have her, her husband  and her kid here. They often do not get invited places because they make a habit of bringing their kid when their kid has not been invited. Also, the last time one of FI's friends came over, she brought her two rambunctious young sons (ages 2 and 4)  without asking and it traumatized me. I feel like now when kids are a possibility, I have to make it clear we want to keep it childfree.    Were we rude about it? Is it fair to ask friends to not bring their kids to our apartment? Has anyone else had to go through a similar situation where they had to ask someone to not bring their children somewhere? How did you handle it? Did it change your friendship?
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

First, you are right for asking them not to bring the child.  Especially since your apartment is not child friendly.  Being that I have a 10 year old son, I would not think you're rude at all.  I have a few friends that have invited me out and have asked me to not bring my son.  So I arrange a babysitter (be it bf or one of my family members).  However, being that my son is 10, my friends have also (from time to time) asked that I bring him along because he's a smart kid and if we're going somewhere child friendly, they don't want me to waste $$ on a babysitter just to go out to lunch or coffee.

Secondly, if your friend thinks it's rude, then she's rude for just assuming that their child is invited and brings him along.  You just don't do that. I did that once when my son was way younger, and got the impression from my group of friends, that they didn't like it. If I have my son and an invite is given, I decline and say that we'd get together another day.  Most of the time my friends understand but then there are other times where they're like "Just bring him with you."   

leia1979

I think it's fair to only invite the grown-ups as long as you're okay if they can't make it. My house is not kid-friendly. There are many breakable items plus a vicious glass coffee table with sharp metal edges. I don't plan to child-proof my home when I don't have kids.

I was a little traumatized when H's family was over and his neice and newphews (ages 6-8) were upstairs banging away on my keyboard without first asking if they could play with it.

H's friends bring their 12-year-old sometimes, which is okay. We showed him the Xbox and he went to town. I invited one friend with a child to my birthday. I don't think she's bringing him (he's about 9 months old). She knows my house is small and not child-friendly.

doubleSS07

I don't think you are rude at all for asking it to be a kid free adult get together especially if you know that your home is not child friendly.  BF and I both are encountering this alot lately as well since we both have many friends that have kids ranging from infant to 11.  Quite honestly we have friends that we don't mind if their kid(s) come because they are well behaved and don't get in to much without at least asking and the parents ALWAYS bring things to keep them occupied.  My friends are also great in that they understand that we don't have kids and they let us know "hey we want to do something, but here's the kiddos schedule..lets schedule adult time around that".  I'd say the majority of the time it works out for all of us.  We did just get called "DINCs", Dual Income No Children, with a scoff the other day by a gal who got married in her early 20's (she's 30 now) and promptly had 2 children because we had alot of adult plans...I thought it was a little rude even if it is technically correct.

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-leave-kid-home?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2408458-18b7-490c-b540-8bdc208aba5dPost:cbb7b9d5-e822-40fb-a97b-34a03ad84b50">Re: Please, Leave The Kid at Home</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>We did just get called "DINCs", Dual Income No Children, with a scoff the other day by a gal who got married in her early 20's (she's 30 now) </strong>and promptly had 2 children because we had alot of adult plans...I thought it was a little rude even if it is technically correct.
Posted by doubleSS07[/QUOTE]

Fun fact: did you ever watch the cartoon "Doug" on Nickelodeon? Doug's funny neighbor was Mr. Dink - so named by the creators because of Double Income, No Kids! =D

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-leave-kid-home?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2408458-18b7-490c-b540-8bdc208aba5dPost:e4088182-4e15-4c7d-a2a8-404bd14bf09c">Re: Please, Leave The Kid at Home</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please, Leave The Kid at Home : Fun fact: did you ever watch the cartoon "Doug" on Nickelodeon? Doug's funny neighbor was Mr. Dink - so named by the creators because of Double Income, No Kids! =D
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

<3

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-leave-kid-home?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2408458-18b7-490c-b540-8bdc208aba5dPost:e25c8169-06b2-4736-84aa-76a797837876">Re: Please, Leave The Kid at Home</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please, Leave The Kid at Home : <3
Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

"Very expensive!"

kellyt89

Now I want to go watch Doug...