Friends of Convenience V. Kindred Spirits (Erm...Super Long)

lunarsongbird

'Elo yet again, Ladies...

Something is on my mind....

Friends.

I've been thinking about them a lot lately.

I don't have many in Colorado (Um...I have 2)- and I've lost many in California. I feel guilty about not staying in touch...but honestly, there has been a huge shift in my life.

Part of me wants to make new friends in Colorado, mostly because I'm bored on Friday and Saturday nights. However, I think part of this shift in my life is that I'm now looking for a few "Susans" in my life versus "friends of convenience". Irish- Can you post your mom's bestfriend's eulogy again? I can't find it.
  Irish's mom had a bestfriend Susan...she passed away- and in her euology- I remember her saying, "I loved her hard."

I want friends that "I love hard."

I have met many men in my life that give me the "giddies," in which I can't wait to get to know them more and spend time with them. However, until recently- I probably haven't felt that way about a friend since I was like...12?

When I met Allusive- it was so much fun! We literally talked for hours- and then we stood in the parking lot and talked for TWO MORE hours! LOL! What a time! Meeting Ravenray was a blast! She brings me much delight! And the more I get to know Liv- the more surprised I become! We are so similar it's uncanny- and so incredible!! And the ladies of this board- you know I adore you- and you are the ones I come running to with all the big (and sometimes not too big) news in my life.

So now I really only want friends that I can talk to for hours, share uncanny similarities with me- and that are truly delightful!

Which brings me to that friend of mine- that you may remember didn't see me before I left because she wanted to hang out with a big jerk instead. I haven't shared any of the big changes that have been going on in my life with her...Honestly- I just don't really feel like being friends with her anymore.

She texted me yesterday- and I was absolutely overcome with guilt- especially as an engagement is looming.

Do I keep up with a fake friendship? Text every once in awhile? Ugh. I've never been in this situation before. It's just awful.

Have you ever experience anything like this?
Also- Do you have any Susans in your life?
Have you ever met a friend that you feel like you were destined to be friends with?

Also- Have your feelings about friends ever shifted?

orangehills

Ohh I've so been dealing with this lately too! I've recently been slowly "quitting" some toxic friendships I have and ones that I'm just not excited about. There are about 4 I stay in touch with constantly, and then a few others I keep in touch with not daily, but often. And then friends I just see through other friends. I want more because the ones I stay in touch with daily are married or live far away so even though we email, I don't see them often. But I figure I'll wait until I'm more settled with life in a year or so and then go out on the hunt. lol It's so hard! I don't think it's all that common to find friendships like that, where you are so close like sisters and talk to each other all the time. Or maybe they are, but I don't know many people with them. It would be awesome though! And creepily- I see friends of friends on facebook and think to myself- we would SO be friends, but I'm not going to contact them and be like, hey! Let's be friends! That would be scary. Oh well...

lunarsongbird

Have any of you watched Julie&Julia or Beaches with Bette Middler?

Julia Child had a life long penpal named Avis DeVoto- who ultimately ended up changing her life, really. I really want to get this book- http://www.slashfood.com/2010/12/06/julia-child-pen-pal/

Beaches is a movie in which a "privileged rich debutante (Hilary) and a cynical struggling entertainer (CC) share a turbulent, but strong childhood friendship  over the years." They are primarily penpals, but friends until they very end. Andrew cried while watching this movie with me the other night. LOL. This movie is the reason for the song, "Wind Beneath my Wings."

At this point in my life...I'm more then lucky to have a couple DeVotos and CCs in my life.

motoLyn

I feel like I have a great group of core friends that when we get together we can sit and talk forever and they are always people I call up to go do things with.  BUT I also realize that I don't talk to them often.  My bestfriend H, and I have known each other since we were 10 and we talk to each other maybe once every week or two weeks.  But when we start talking its natural and go on forever.  I also have two or three other female friends that I can talk about anything with but don't talk often.  Maybe sad maybe not, but my closest friend that I talk with most is my FI.  I don't feel anything missing in my life.  I think right now I'm happy and can't seem to find enough time with the FI.  Seriously we can be in the same physical vicinity but not talk to each other because of work or other obligations we need to tend to.

I do feel guilty for not being better about keeping touch, especially since one female friend is getting married in Dec and I am a BM in her wedding and another female friend is pregnant and I haven't spoken to her to see how she is doing in weeks. 

[Deleted User]

I honestly can't say that I have a Susan, if we don't count my H.  it's really sad, and I wish that I did have a Susan...  but all of my once-close friends are all so busy (and myself included) that we've all drifted apart.  H and I have a few friends that we hang out with on occasion, but if something happens, it's usually him that I talk to.  sometimes I'll email or text a girlfriend...  sometimes I'll get a response, sometimes I won't. 

it's been really frustrating, so I've slowly just been letting most of them go and resigning myself to the fact that I probably won't ever be as close to "friends" as I'd like to be.  I have a couple girlfriends that I could call every once in a while, and my H to talk to, and I hope it's enough! 

QuiltingNurse

I've been thinking a lot about friends lately too. 

I have never had too many friends, I've usually have 3-4 close friends and would casually see others but not very often and only in certain situations. Recently, a girl I considered a best friend has shown that she does not value the friendship and I see it very quickly coming to an end. During the summer she made it very clear she doesn't like BF because he is 'loud, obnoxious, and degrading to women' (I am still struggling to understand how he is obnoxious or degrading to women) and I called her out on acting rudely towards him and putting me and my sister in an awkward situation that weekend. I have never been a fan of her FI but always put it aside so we could continue our friendship and not let him get in the middle of it. I sent her an e-mail nearly 3 weeks ago to say I was sorry things didn't go well last time we were together and that next time it would be best if it was just the two of us together and things could be back to normal, she has yet to respond to me and I'm giving up hope and will likely try once more to clear the air and then give up on her. 

One of my best friends (K) is a friend I met in University. She and I clicked from the beginning and even though we hardly talked, we were always comfortable just being together. Now, we don't see each other often, but I consider her my closest friend and I can't think of anyone I feel closer to than her. 

Making friends is a struggle to me, I am not an overly social person so its not easy for me to just get out and meet people. K and I are both the same in that sense and I think its what makes us work so well as friends. I prefer to have friends that I really bond with rather than being friends with people just for the sake of having something to do on the weekend. Would I like to have more friends? Absolutely, I love having people to talk to, but I won't force a friendship with someone, I want it to be natural and not the kind where we have to see each other everyday in order to make it work.

becunning2

I tend to have a few close friends... I don't keep up fake friendships though. You're either my friend and someone I want to talk to, or you're not. I don't have the energy or time or emotional strength to invest in a relationship that will not work out. Likewise, I don't have the energy or time or emotional strength to invest in a relationship that's one-sided.

Lunar, I'm going to be in Denver in November--do you want to get dinner on a Friday night? :P

As for your questions...

I've let relationships go in the past--either because I realized we were different people or because I wasn't important to them, but they were important to me. They're my Susans, even if one of them is really a Ryan and the other is an Ann. :P  I definitely feel like I was supposed to be friends with Ann. She's actually someone I wish I had managed to have for MORE of my life, but I"m super happy I met her in graduate school and that we've been friends since then. 

I totally love my best friend. She's wonderful, awesome, smart, funny, and I would fight, tooth and nail, to the death, whatever to defend her from anything. My Best Male Dude (as I like to call him) is similar. These people mean the world to me.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friends-of-convenience-v-kindred-spirits-ermsuper-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2faa807-a0be-47d4-840b-a387d8d3233cPost:92db103c-f29b-4dc8-af35-585dbb6d98ca">Re: Friends of Convenience V. Kindred Spirits (Erm...Super Long)</a>:
[QUOTE] I think honestly it's not worth it if your heart's not in it anymore. Why fake it?
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

Oy vay. But what do I say when she texts me? "Look- it's not you...it's me." LOL.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friends-of-convenience-v-kindred-spirits-ermsuper-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2faa807-a0be-47d4-840b-a387d8d3233cPost:084368be-34e7-4f52-a452-60bde2bbb92b">Re: Friends of Convenience V. Kindred Spirits (Erm...Super Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]ILunar, I'm going to be in Denver in November--do you want to get dinner on a Friday night?Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]

Eeep! Do you even need to ask?! I would LOVE that! What brings you to Denver?

becunning2

Everything Liv said. Sometimes the fade-out is just what happens to relationships.

I'm in Denver in November (hehe, the assonance!) for a foreign language teacher conference from November 16th to November 20th.  

csousa1

I have 2 Susans. My bestie and my sister. They are amazing friends who really understand me without trying, and I feel completely comfortable and at home with both of them. I can tell them anything, I can ask advice on anything, and I can do the same for them.  

I have also been in a situation like you before. My old roommate was one of my best friends for 8 years before I finally had to tell her that I did not want her in my life anymore. It had been an ongoing thing, where I realized that we just were not alike anymore, and I didn't value the time spent with her.

She was a miserable person, for one thing, and she refused to get help or to try to fix anything in her life. She just wanted to be miserable, and make everyone around her miserable as well. She used every opportunity to tell friends that they weren't doing enough, weren't being good enough friends, were somehow lacking from what she felt she deserved.

She wanted a lot more from me than I was willing to give, and even though I tried to keep up an arms-length friendship with her so as not to hurt her, it still reached a boiling point. She flipped on me for being a bad friend, and attributed everything to my relationship with BF. She failed to recognize that our issues had been going on for much longer, and would not listen to reason. I ended up telling her that she needed a real therapist, and that it wasn't my job anymore.

We haven't spoken since, and that was April 2010. In planning my bestie's shower/bachelorette, I have been forced to take a look at this again (this girl is invited). I wondered if I made the right decision, or if I would end up having to eat my words.

The truth is, I have been happy since we stopped talking. She was a black hole - there was nothing to gain from her friendship, only things that were taken from me. She made me stressed and guilty all the time, and if I'm being honest I haven't missed her at all since we stopped talking. That tells me I made the right choice. I know that I can be cordial to her in the upcoming wedding events, because I have absolutely no anger toward her anymore. But I also have no interest in that friendship any longer.

In my situation I tried to keep it as a simple, non-committal frienship so as to avoid flat-out telling the person that I did not want to be friends with them anymore. I have never been one to just write people off, and I'm sure you aren't either. It reached that point anyway, by her hand. My advice to you is follow your heart. If you would miss this person, then maybe try to keep some connection. But if they are making you feel bad instead of good, if they are constantly taking something from you and you know you would not miss them if they were not your friend anymore, then it may not be a friendship worth keeping. 

Hugs and good luck in whatever you choose!!  

NurseyK

Have you ever experience anything like this?
Oh yes. Once I realized that I was ready for "life to start" it was really easy for me to stop hanging with people who partied all the time. The friends who had different aspirations than me, such as major drama or who lied and cheated, were less important. I just didn't want that in my life anymore. I went through (and am still going through) a pretty lonely time... but slowly I am starting to make adult friends who are in our same boat in life.

Also- Do you have any Susans in your life?
Of course - they are my life long friends... however none of them live in Tucson. I'd give anything to have them nearby, but I know our friendship is stronger than distance and time. Getting to know Greg's sister better, I have this feeling that she will become a Susan.

Have you ever met a friend that you feel like you were destined to be friends with?
Yep, her name is Shauna. It's odd because she is 6 years yougner than me, but we just get each other. Sometimes I see her like a little sister because she has quite a bit to learn about life. Other times I see her as my best friend because of how easily she understands me, even when I don't understand me.

Also- Have your feelings about friends ever shifted?
Yes... same answer as the first question.

NurseyK

... my friend Ellen just called to make plans with me…. tomorrow night is my 1:1 goodbye dinner with Ellen. I’m sad. She was  my “Susan” in Tucson…. And I will miss her so much. Her move date is 2 weeks away. I'm holding back tears right now... sitting in my cube.
/awkward

/temp threadjack

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friends-of-convenience-v-kindred-spirits-ermsuper-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d2faa807-a0be-47d4-840b-a387d8d3233cPost:a05c1a4e-aaaa-4bae-a81a-a8e7fd2aa4c6">Re: Friends of Convenience V. Kindred Spirits (Erm...Super Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]... my friend Ellen just called to make plans with me…. tomorrow night is my 1:1 goodbye dinner with Ellen. I’m sad. She was  my “Susan” in Tucson…. And I will miss her so much. Her move date is 2 weeks away. I'm holding back tears right now... sitting in my cube. /awkward /temp threadjack
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

::squeezy hugs::

Boo. Where is she moving? Colorado, perhaps? Just kidding! ;)
Love ya!

jaycee7389

I unfortuantely have had flaky friends. I don't mean to say that I am never at fault, but sometimes I feel like I put more into certain friendships than I get back. I have also noticed that major life events such as weddings, having children, and moving can show the true colors of a friendship.

My best friend, Lisa, and I have been friends since we met in pre-school. I have known her longer and better than anyone else, and have never had a single fight with her. We both live very different lifestyles, and don't get to see each other often, but I never feel disconnected from her. We try to e-mail and call each other, but it isn't a daily deal. I would trust her with any secret and any decision in life, and I know she feels the same.

I have a few other best friends, but I wouldn't say our friendship runs as deep. It's hard to compare friendships though considering I have so much history with Lisa.

When I started college I met a girl, we'll call her A. A and I clicked instantly and became inseparable. She even became my "little" when I was in a sorority (don't judge) lol. A ended up sleeping with my boyfriend. They hid it from me for a long while until A got wasted one night and I had to pick her up and take care of her. She started rambling on about some guy and asked me to read her texts to her...and it ended up being from him. That of course ended our friendship and she went on to do it to other friends of ours, and do more stuff to hurt me. It has ultimately made it very hard for me to get close to anyone else.

BookButterfly

Lunar, I'm a CO knottie--I'm stupid busy these days with my final semester of college, but I know some pretty cool places around Denver. Just a thought!

Lately, I've felt the "friend-shift" with just about everyone I've ever considered a "good friend." It's been extremely disheartening, and I feel as though I've been struggling in vain to maintain friendships. Most of it seems to be a maturity gap.. I'm almost finished with college, studying to be a teacher, and many of my friends either didn't go, dropped out, or are studying something they don't have ANY passion for. It's strange--I can't really describe it.

Additionally, I'm hyper-busy with school work, and many of my friends don't understand that. Often, they invite me to things that I simply can't attend because they start so late and they'll be places that are nowhere near where I live. Yes, I WANT to go to your birthday party--but must it start at nine on a Thursday? =/ It's rough to try and meet your friends half-way when you wake up at five every morning, even on weekends.

In terms of my "Susans..." I thought I had some, lol.

There was D... D and I seemed like "Susans" from the get-go. Always chatting, hours and hours and hours.. Deliberately took classes together, hung out all the time--I was thrilled because SHE called ME to hang out, something no one else really did/does for me. Then... she met Amy. We were all in the same class together, but D stopped waiting for me after class. D stopped asking me to hang out. D would invite Amy to lunch right in front of me, then leave class with her. So.. we are nowhere near close anymore. =/

Most disheartening was/is the first Susan I've ever had.. R. We met when I was sixteen, and I looked up to her like nobody's business. She was brilliant, she loved books, and she had a strong guiding moral code. Everything was wonderful.. until she reconnected with a friend from her past. I won't go into details, but her "new/old friend" is absolutely INSANE. Since then, R has been slowly becoming more passive aggressive. It feels like she's always covertly angry with me. We don't have anywhere near the connection we once did, and I feel like I'm the only one who is really trying to reconnect. =/ I'm always taking her out when we go out, texting/calling/facebooking to try and stay in contact (to which she only sometimes replies), I lent her several hundred dollars when she was in a bind, and every time we get together, the emphasis is on her. For example, I texted her over the weekend, asking her how she was and telling her that we closed on our townhome... and got no response. Again. Sigh.

Maybe I'm just a selfish person, but.. I guess I want to feel like my friends, at least my CLOSE friends, care about stuff going on in my life too, you know? Maybe get excited the way that I do about their stuff? Maybe? Honestly, it's probably part of the reason I don't post as often as I would otherwise.. I feel like there's something intrinsically wrong with me, lol.

Luckily, I've recently met two potential "Susans" in my program.. so.. we'll see. =D

Anyway, this turned into more of a pitying rant than I meant (sorry about the thread-jack!), but I do understand how you feel on some level. It can be a little lonely without a Susan!

ravenray

Have you ever experience anything like this?

 

Yep. I have dropped friends and had people drop me.  It's really hard being on both ends for me.  I had to "drop" this one girl in my life, let’s call her S.  S has some anger and depression problems but we got along pretty well until I meet and starting dating FI.  S didn't like that I wasn't spending all my time centered around her life anymore.  She became aggressive and abusive toward FI.  I stopped texting her, ignored her texts, and made excuses to not hang out.  I know she still resents me for it.  However, she was an incredibly toxic person who was draining and not a good thing in my life.  Sometimes I feel bad that I wasn't a good friend.    People drop me all the time in my life.  I seem to be a hard friend to hold on too, who knows why, it's most likely me.  When my ex-BF dropped me I was told it was because I was smothering her.  I am still working through my feelings of hurt and anger against her.  So I have been on both sides, but I know when a friendship isn't working out it might be better to say something, it might cause less hurt.  Or it might cause more, it really depends on the person.

 

Also- Do you have any Susans in your life?

 

I have one very close friend, N.  She is so awesome, it doesn't matter that she is 20 years older than me and has two kids; we get each other no problem.  Sometimes the age differences makes it hard but in the end we are always very happy with each other.   Honestly I would like to have one more "Susan," someone who is closer to my age, but that is merely a selfish wish of mine as I have been blessed with who I have.

 

Have you ever met a friend that you feel like you were destined to be friends with?

 

Ya but then they don't want to be my friends anymore so it never works out.

 

Also- Have your feelings about friends ever shifted?

 

Oh yes.  After being in a friend’s wedding I haven't been that close to her, mostly because I was appalled at how I was treated at her wedding by her.  I still like her but I am a bit more wary of her now.

 

*hugs* Lunar You will find the right way to deal with your friend. 

Peaseblossom55

Have you ever experience anything like this?

I have friends that I have out grown that we still hang out mostly in groups and if it weren't for this we probably wouldn't see much of each other. 

At my friends' baby shower yesterday I saw some friends who I haven't seen in awhile and who have never met my BF who i've been with now 2 yrs, we said yesterday we will try to do better to keep in touch with but it gets hard life gets in the way.  I certainly don't feel like I am as close or confide in them as I used to.

Also- Do you have any Susans in your life?

I have one susan in my life  she is one of my closest friends and my little sister back in my sorority days.  We are still very close

Have you ever met a friend that you feel like you were destined to be friends with?

Yes at a rush party I met this new girl she pledged and I took her on as my little.  We bonded the first night we met and have been very close ever since.  I went up to talk to her at the party because she had the most beautiful ballerina necklace on.  We talked of theater and dance.

Also- Have your feelings about friends ever shifted?

Yes defintely sometimes your lives take different paths and you loose touch.  Sometimes as much as I hate to say it but life goes by and other friendships/relationships take over.  I have lots of theater friends some I see and do shows with fairly regularly and other I don't see for awhile.  I did a show in February with someone I was very close with 12 years ago and it was so great seeing him again.   As sad as it sounds sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day.  

I hope everyone has or finds their "Susans"  just like the men we have they are out there somewhere...

desertsun

I have a friend from HS and a friend from my first year of college that I've been friends with for over 10 years, but they both live across the country.

I consider them both "Susans" and kindred spirits.

But honestly...I've always been someone who needs a lot of emotional space and I can't be friends with people who don't understand that I can love you and want to be friends without feeling like I need to talk to every week or see you once a month or whatever. I can feel close to someone without spending a lot of time with them physically. It's more about the quality of the relationship -- can I be myself? Do we have interesting, deep conversations, etc.

I'm definitely one of those people who is generally well-liked and gets along with anyone, but prefers to have just a couple really close friends and prefers to have a certain amount of alone time.

alanna91

I'm glad some of you met your "Susans" outside or after college.
Every semester I hope I'm going to meet a new great friend, but then I'm too shy to talk to anyone.

I love the friends I have, but I don't feel like I could ever be as close to them as BF, and I want a girl friend that I'm that close with.

 My situation seems a lot like yours, Coco.

Beads921

I am generally a friend of convenience I think - the friends I do have are generally very flaky and it hurts. Sure, there good for a party, but otherwise, it's hard to get them to do much.

I would love to have that best girlfriend, but that's just not a reality. BF is the closest thing I have - he is my Susan in a lot of ways, and I'm actually pretty happy with that arrangement.

I have 1 friend who I've been good friends with for 8 years. We've gone through a lot in 8 years, and we're still pretty close. We've never been besties, but we see each other semi-regularly and things never change (which is a good thing).