Not Engaged Yet

Moving in together!

FI is moving into my apartment with me next weekend; neither of us has lived with an SO before. We've already discussed things like who will do what chores and how we'll handle money (we're keeping our finances separate for now). Do any of you who live with your SO have any tips or advice? Anything that you wish you would have known prior to moving in together? Any funny or amusing stories about living together?
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Married! :) 5/19/12 The Domesticals

Re: Moving in together!

  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    The biggest tip I have (other than basic chores and money, which you said you've already discussed) is to make sure that your social lives don't change too much.  Keep spending time with your friends and allow him space to spend time with his.  At the same time, nurture your relationship in the same way you have been doing.  Just because you see each other every night now doesn't mean you should stop going on dates and getting dressed up for each other.

    Other than that, just enjoy.  It's a learning experience, for sure.
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Communication, communication, communication!  There's going to be some things you do that drive him nuts, and vice versa.  It's easy to sweep it under the rug and go, "Oh, but I love him, I'll learn to live with his dirty socks."  Not gonna work in the long run - you'll likely end up being passive aggressive about it (like hiding the socks, and saying, "Well, if you want to know where they are, you shouldn't leave them everywhere" when he can't find them) or finally explode on him.  Bring issues up early and in a calm, reasonable discussion before they become bigger annoyances.

    I'm a big fan of chore sheets if you're not both of the same natural level of cleanliness - divy up the major chores that you both don't mind doing (I don't mind cleaning the bathrooms, but hate moping the floor - he won't clean the toilet, but likes playing with the mop - easy!).  Then split everything else equally, or do it on a rotating schedule (one week me, one week you).  This will stop those, "But you NEVER help clean!" conversations, which are never productive (and messy people don't understand - I'm one, I know - so you need to spell it out for them what they need to do and how often).  Instead, you can go, "Honey, I saw that it's your week to do the laundry - do you have time to get to it today?"

    Oh, and communication again.  It's an adjustment, and you need to talk through any issues that may come up before they become bigger.

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  • edited December 2011
    Sounds like you have the basics under control, so I'm going to tell you a funny story.

    About a year ago, I went to bed earlier than he did and when he came to the room he immediately asked "Quick, what's the highest number you can think of?" My response, "532." I woke up as I was saying 32 and was completely and totally confused for the next ten minutes. I guess I don't think of big numbers in my sleep.
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PP's. I will also say people have very different levels of cleanliness. I'm an absolute neat freak, SO is not. At first it was driving us both nuts. He got sick of me cleaning everything constantly, and I didn't think he was cleaning enough. Now that we've settled in a bit, SO really appreciates my mr. clean side, especially when we have unexpected guests, or when he's had an especially hard day at work. I appreciate that he helps a lot more. We both reap the benefits.
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  • edited December 2011
    Calindi, good advice on bringing up issues right away...I'm totally a non-confrontational person and I could see me letting things go. I also really love the chore chart idea. My college roommates and I did those and it worked out well so maybe that's something FI and I could do.

    Elle- Yeah I am slightly worried about the friends part. -He's moving here from our hometown about 4 hrs away, so he doesn't have any friends here yet.
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    Married! :) 5/19/12 The Domesticals

  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d4c81b1b-7d6e-45f7-bd95-b78d7bceb809Post:97fa20e4-d857-422b-a459-c0d01990d6de">Re: Moving in together!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Communication, communication, communication!  There's going to be some things you do that drive him nuts, and vice versa.  It's easy to sweep it under the rug and go, "Oh, but I love him, I'll learn to live with his dirty socks."  Not gonna work in the long run - you'll likely end up being passive aggressive about it (like hiding the socks, and saying, "Well, if you want to know where they are, you shouldn't leave them everywhere" when he can't find them) or finally explode on him.  Bring issues up early
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.  There are DEFINITELY going to be things that you each do that will annoy the other.  It's important for you both to know that when these things come up, you need to talk about them.  BUT, choose your battles.  You don't want to become nit picky or a nag.  You may be able to overlook some things.

    When BF and I first moved in together, I told him from the beginning that if there were things that I was doing that were annoying to him, then he needed to tell me, otherwise I wouldn't know.  Turned out he couldn't STAND that I would leave the sponge in the sink after doing dishes.  His thought was that then dirty dishes get piled on top of the sponge and then you can't find it when you need it.  Totally reasonable and practical, but it never occurred to me.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

    And congrats!  This is very exciting.  I'm sure you are looking forward to having him around more.
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    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Beads921Beads921 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    BF moved into my apartment 6 months ago. Because he was moving into my space, like your BF is, it was important for me to allow him to personalize it to an extent. Prior to that, it had been MY apartment with MY stuff, but he has stuff too, and wanted to display some of it to really make the place feel like his home too. Which is perfectly fine, but be prepared for that. It's no longer MY apartment, it's OUR apartment, and that took a bit to adjust to.

    It also takes a bit to get used to not actually being together together when you're in the same space. Before we lived together, when we visited one another, we spent all of our time together. But when we share the same 5 rooms 24/7/365, sometimes we're not going to be together (ie I'll be in the living room, and he'll be in the office), and sometimes silences will happen. It took a bit of time to adjust to that as well. 

    And then what Elle said on spending time with friends: This is important. Don't become a stay-at-home couple. BF and I did shortly after he moved in, and it's taken us some time to break that habit. We're both doing pretty well with spending time with our individual friends, as well as with mutual friends.

    Other than that, like Calindi said: good communication is key! 
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  • Wrkn925Wrkn925 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    My best advice is to have some place to yourself.  It needs to be a corner, a chair, an extra room, something.

    BF and I have seperate 'rooms' in the same house.  I can go to mine and play Wii, he can watch UFC.  When we fight, we can seperate.  When we just need a minute alone, or we've had a rough day at work, we can go there to compose ourselves.

    It's really helped me when I come home from a bad day of work, so I don't take it out on BF.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d4c81b1b-7d6e-45f7-bd95-b78d7bceb809Post:be9433a0-6798-498a-9501-36720725c7ba">Re: Moving in together!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The biggest tip I have (other than basic chores and money, which you said you've already discussed) is to make sure that your social lives don't change too much.  Keep spending time with your friends and allow him space to spend time with his.  At the same time, nurture your relationship in the same way you have been doing.  Just because you see each other every night now doesn't mean you should stop going on dates and getting dressed up for each other. Other than that, just enjoy.  It's a learning experience, for sure.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    THIS!!!!!
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  • edited December 2011
    some tips from mr. owl and i (3 happy years living together):

    1. show him how you currently do things (where things go, when you take out trash, where you keep cleaning supplies, quirky things about the faucets, etc.) - this helped mr.owl feel at home much more quickly

    2. decorate together - mr. owl brought a bunch of cool art and funky furniture

    3. bring up your frustrations in a funny way. mr.owl leaves his socks everywhere so i put his socks in his way. i put his cell or keys in a sock and leave them on the counter or i'll put a sock in his glasses case. it makes him laugh and reminds him that i like it when he puts the socks away but in a funny way

    4. make a chores sheet asap

    5. make a roommate agreement. i was an RA in college so we actually typed ours up and signed it. we had a clause in it about who would move out if we broke up, how we were paying for rent and utilities (including when payments were to be made) and info about how often we'd like to be alone/have friends over, etc. sounds neurotic, but it was perfect for us.

    6. enjoy every minute and tell him how much you love it. for example, every sunday night we still say something sweet about how nice it is to be together rather than driving home on sunday afternoon.

    congrats!
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Oh gosh, yes.  Make sure you're in agreement about how you use the space - when you can have guests over, how many, how often, etc.  It doesn't have to be that specific or firmly set, but at least when it's important to ask permission.

    BF was so excited that we had our own place with a guest room that he started posting on all his friend's FB walls to come visit.  Well, quite a few of them wanted to take him up on that.  Last year, from Jan-March, we had only 2 weekends without house guests.  I felt like I was running a freaking hotel!   This year, we made the rule that we have to ask the other before inviting anyone or promising them the guest room, that there is an absolute cap of 4 nights, and if the person wouldn't be interested in visiting us in the middle of nowhere Ohio, then they're not allowed to stay with us just because we happen to live in Miami.  They can get a hotel like the rest of the tourists!  This year, we've only got two visits booked so far - both of them his sisters.

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    Anniversary

  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Prepare yourselves for the first month to be a bit rough. If at any point you go, "I don't know about this..." give yourselves at least a month to adjust.

    And as my favorite radio show host says, "Remember it's not a 24-hour a day date."
  • edited December 2011
    Congrats mookow86, on the engagement and on moving in together!

    My boyfriend moved into my apartment about 3 months ago. It has been a wonderful experience so far!

    That said, there were definitely some adjustments that I had to make. For example, I suddenly discovered that he had a few annoying habits. He forgets to turn the light off when he leaves the bathroom and he leaves his towel around the apartment.

    When I start to feel annoyed about these things, I just remember two things: 1) In the grand scheme of life, a towel on the floor is no big deal. I love my sweetie and he loves me--that's what's important. 2) I'm sure I do just as many things (if not more) that annoy my BF. And he's not getting all worked up. So I shouldn't get my panties in a bunch either!

    Best of luck, mookow86!
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