Self Mutilation and Teens

heyimbren

Please don't quote because I may delete parts of this post later on.

Thanks

tafft1

This is a tricky subject to comment on. Though many people including teenages cut themselves due to emotional issues or trauma or as a way to feel pain - not everyone does it for the same reasons. i know adults who cut themselves or have it done to them on a regular basis because they quite literally enjoy it and started doing it to themselves as kids. Obviously that is different , however i would try to focus less on the actual act of cutting and try to better understand what makes this individual want to. Do they enjoy feeling the pain or seing the blood from it ? Is it a physical reminder of emotional pain or trauma they are experiencing ? Or is it much depper and possibly leading to more destructive things ?

I did it when I was younger but not for reasons most understood or believed even when approached. I was abused a great deal as a kid - both at school and home - mostly emotionally and mentally and people assumed that is why I did it. Actually I found accidentially I more was fascinated with the sight of my own blood and the sensation gave me instant gratification. It felt good to me and I enjoyed it. I am in NO WAY telling people it's necessarily "okay" and to not be concerned but to keep an open mind as to the reasons. I also know people who continue to do it as their form of self expression on themselves , some in artistic ways even.

I do think it's important to have a very unjudgemental approach and care more about the reasons that lead her to do this rather than to say " There is something wrong with you so stop it". JUst be yourself as well and try to apply any personal experience into your talks. Good luck.

SKP82

I wish I had some advice to give to you, but I don't.  I don't have experience with this, but I wanted to send you good vibes and luck.  I think it's admirable that you want to help someone and are willing to share something painful in order to do so. 

heyimbren

Thanks, Tafft. I'm really glad you pointed that out, because it is very good advice and something important for me to keep in mind.

And thanks, SKP as well.

Jordyana

I dealt with a LOT of depression and anxiety for much of my childhood/teen years. This was mostly due to trauma I went through as a kid and never really dealt with until I was getting ready to graduate high school. During my middle school years, I did a lot of cutting. To the point where I actually skipped class to cut myself before. Yeah, it was a dark time. =/ But enough about me....Just giving you a quick back story.

I think the most important thing for this girl is to open up the lines of communication with her. Establishing trust, that she can confide in you is pretty important. I hope she has other support systems as well.

Make sure you choose your words carefully - you don't want to come off as condescending or focus on your experiences too much. Just because you experienced essentially the same thing does NOT mean that you have the same emotions tied to it. You say she's a teen - I'm not sure exactly how old she is, but most teens want to feel like they are adults, in charge of themselves. So make sure not to say "you shouldn't do this" or "this is wrong." Focus more on her self-worth and how she deserves the best.

Remember, it's not your job to "fix" her. As PP said, there could be many reasons why she cuts herself. We really don't know. But whatever the reason, it is not your job to get her to stop cutting or figure out what is causing her to do this to herself. It may take her a long time to recover - although I hope not - and you shouldn't expect to see any immediate change.

Anyway, just make sure you express that you're concerned for her and you want her to be able to talk to you if she feels that she needs someone to talk to. Good luck.

MidniteRae

Bren- YGPM

[Deleted User]

I must have missed your original post.  Drawing upon what others have said I must say that telling someone to stop cutting will only cause them to hide it.

I grew up dealing with an alcoholic dad and the neglect and abuse that goes along with that.  I started picking at the backs of my arms to deal with it.  Not cutiing, just picking.  Picking at all the little bumps which would then get infected and I would pick some more.  People telling me to stop made me hide it.  It made me even more upset that they were telling me to stop and didn't understand why I did it.  I don't entirely know why I did it, but I wanted people to just support and talk to me, not become concerned with my bad habit.  That was the last thing I wanted.

I still find myself doing it sometimes and hid it from BF for about a year (not good for the relationship, I discovered the hard way).  I straight up told him that I just needed an ear to talk to in order to keep myself from picking.  I told him that being concerned about the picking would make it worse.  He has since been there to support me in my flashbacks/breakdowns and the picking didn't become a big deal.  He was ok with it, he was helping me because he was ok and showed me that I didn't need to pick when I had him to talk to.

Don't focus on your friend's cutting, just focus on being moral support to both be supportive and build a trust ground where your friend will eventually feel comfortable opening up about the self mutilation problem.

It's a tough subject, I'm sorry you have to deal with it and I hope your friend gets better.

Blue & White

Bren,

I missed your previous post as well, but I just wanted to pipe in and say that there's a ton of info on cutting these days.  I suggest opening the lines of communication first.  But there's a lot of info out there that can give you better advice than me.

heyimbren

Amysbot, just to clarify, it isn't a friend of mine.

But thank you so much for the other perspectives.

desertsun

I missed your OP, Bren. Can you repeat?

heyimbren

Desert and MidnightRae, you both have PMs.

desertsun

Ah, okay.

I agree with Tafft that there are different reasons that drive people to that behavior.

I think the best thing to do is just let her know you're there if she wants to talk about it. Don't push her to talk.

It's just like anything else -- she has to be ready to deal with it and talk about it. Trying to force things won't help.

Here are a couple books my mom got for me that I found helpful when I was cutting:

http://www.amazon.com/Bodily-Harm-Breakthrough-Healing-Self-Injurers/dp/0786885041/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300816705&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Cutting-Understanding-Self-Mutilation-Steven-Levenkron/dp/0393319385/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1300816705&sr=8-8

But there are plenty of other books out there you could read or you could suggest to her.

It's hard to see someone hurting themselves, but sometimes all you can do is just convince the person that you're there for them, judgment free. I would also try to see if you can locate any free counseling in the area. Just provide resources and let her know that's what you're doing, but how she decides to deal with things is up to her.

Of course you can't keep that up indefinitely. At some point, you enable the behavior by not opposing it more actively, in which case you might seek advice from a counselor on how to best handle the situation. 

Frankly, I think you should talk to her and get a feel for the situation, but don't be afraid to admit you're not equipped to take responsiblity for her care, and get her parents, school counselors, whoever might be better suited to help her involved.