Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?

imean

Hey everyone! I'm basically new on here but have been lurking around for a while. My boyfriend currently owes about 8k in student/credit card debt, and is spending the majority of his paycheck on this, after rent, and debt he doesn't have enough left over to save up for a ring. We recently calculated a timeline as to when he'd be done paying off loans so he could start saving up for getting engaged, and it'll take a while. We both want to get engaged next year (2012) and I am lucky enough to be living in my apartment for free, so I am thinking I might offer him to move in with me temporarily, for 4-6 months so he can save up that rent money for a ring, with the condition that that money is being set aside for the engagement. Once he's saved up enough he can get his own place until the wedding. I am wondering if this is a good idea. We currently live together unofficially, as he has spent every single day/night here for the past 6 months, so he is basically paying for his apartment as storage until his lease is up. Are any of ya'll currently doing this? Do you think it's a good idea? Thanks for the input!

kellyt89

Is there a reason you don't just want to move in together? It seems sort of odd to move all his stuff to your place for 4 to 6 months and then leave....then move back in together after the wedding.

I think moving in would be a good idea if you're okay with it because it seems sort of silly for him to spend a big chunk of his money on an apartment he's not living in.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:d507e5a3-e42c-4754-a03e-4f2af7ab9560">Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone! I'm basically new on here but have been lurking around for a while. My boyfriend currently owes about 8k in student/credit card debt, and is spending the majority of his paycheck on this, after rent, and debt he doesn't have enough left over to save up for a ring. We recently calculated a timeline as to when he'd be done paying off loans so he could start saving up for getting engaged, and it'll take a while. We both want to get engaged next year (2012) and I am lucky enough to be living in my apartment for free, so<strong> I am thinking I might offer him to move in with me temporarily, for 4-6 months so he can save up that rent money for a ring, with the condition that that money is being set aside for the engagement. Once he's saved up enough he can get his own place until the wedding.</strong> I am wondering if this is a good idea. <strong>We currently live together unofficially, as he has spent every single day/night here for the past 6 months, so he is basically paying for his apartment as storage until his lease is up.</strong> Are any of ya'll currently doing this? Do you think it's a good idea? Thanks for the input!
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

<div>So, let me get this straight:</div><div>
</div><div>Your boyfriend is essentially paying for an apartment he doesn't use.  And you want an e-ring.  So, rather than just move in together, you woulld ask him to move in wtih you ONLY until he saved up for your e-ring, at which point he needs to move his stuff out and continue to pay for an apartment he doesn't use.  </div><div>
</div><div>Did I get that right?</div>

IrishDreamer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:fe968eac-e8bf-4155-b17a-2951491fc48a">Re: Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea? : So, let me get this straight: Your boyfriend is essentially paying for an apartment he doesn't use.  And you want an e-ring.  So, rather than just move in together, you woulld ask him to move in wtih you ONLY until he saved up for your e-ring, at which point he needs to move his stuff out and continue to pay for an apartment he doesn't use.   Did I get that right?
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Yeaaaaah.... It's waay too early to be trying to understand this crazy...

OP, I'm sorry, but none of your post makes logical sense. Why wouldn't you want him to just move in??

TheMutleys

You are getting a graduate degree in marriage and family therapy?

peekaboo2011

Maybe it's because I just woke up, but my head just exploded Mutley.  I'll be back after my run/once I get to the office.  Round 10.

TheMutleys

You are not living in your apartment for free.  Your parents are paying for it.  Parents paying does NOT equal free.  It still costs something.  You just aren't paying.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_im-new-here-but-would-really-appreciate-everyones-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:1b7612d5-542d-4625-821b-adb22751194bPost:898f0731-8801-4132-89b9-6d175bd95456">Re: Im new on here... but would really appreciate everyone's thoughts!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the input! I really enjoyed hearing different opinions. I guess I'm just adamant about getting the PhD because since I'd be in school I couldn't work and then we wouldn't be able to live off just my bf's paycheck. <strong>As of now I still live off my parents, but I don't want to depend on them once I'm married. </strong>I think FaithCaitlin is on point about PhDs in my case, I know sciencey people get stipends and whatnot, but I'm a counseling student at a considerably small school so there's not enough funding for all that.
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

Also, you may want to take some time to figure out what you want to do in life before running to get engaged.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_im-new-here-but-would-really-appreciate-everyones-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:1b7612d5-542d-4625-821b-adb22751194bPost:992fea7c-fcb8-4b8c-a202-baed225f5569">Re: Im new on here... but would really appreciate everyone's thoughts!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry its taken me long to respond... ElleB87, the reason my parents want me to get the PhD is basically just so I'll have the Dr. in front of my name. They think its going to add prestige and I'll be able to make more money, but like AllisonW423 cautioned, I', unsure I want to commit to this career my whole life, so I think committing to a PhD program that'll take at least 3 years is a huge step I'm not convinced that I want to take yet. Looks like I'm going to have to say no thanks to my parents... <strong>maybe I can ask them to give me that money to buy a house! lol yeah right...</strong>
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

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P.S. You do not NEED a ring to get engaged.  You may want to enter the real world and actually have to support yourself first though. 

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:d61e8cd1-6d76-4545-9171-fd988ca1541e">Re: Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's because I just woke up, but my head just exploded Mutley.  I'll be back after my run/once I get to the office.  Round 10.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

I've been up since 3am here.  Not being able to fall back asleep is awesome-sauce. 

becunning2

I'm with Mutley.  You should learn how to pay for your own bills before getting engaged rather than mooching off your parents. ALSO, it's really ridiculous that you'd want your BF to move in for a few months, just until he had money for an ering (as opposed to having becoming debt free so you can start your lives in a good place) only to KICK HIM OUT again.  WTF? 

...I need coffee...

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:c48febb3-8e7f-48be-b174-d39d6cfc02fa">Re: Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]You are getting a graduate degree in marriage and family therapy?
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Oh hell...this scares the living daylight out of me...

thejucheidea

In the words of the Internet, has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

That statement makes about as much sense as the thought behind this post.

lunarsongbird

Is moving in together because you want to move in together a good idea? Yes.  Moving in together so that he can simply save up for a ring...that you're not even sure he's ready to buy (Clicky)- is that a good idea? No.

And you're worry about pressuring him? Have you hinted at this idea to him?

Communication. It's all about communication- Don't they teach that to you when you are getting a Masters in Psychology for Marriage and Family Therapy? :::shudder::

In this communication- you may want to feel out if your SO has a strong desire to pay off his own debt and save up for the ring himself. A lot of men have an innate want to provide for their SOs (but you know this, right????)- this suggestion...especially when asking him to MOVE OUT after he saves up the money.....is really jeopardizing his desire to provide for you.

Besides- how do your parents feel about him moving into your place that THEY are paying for?

ETA: Furthermore, If BF really is the man you are going to marry- Have you had in-depth discussions with him on your future together? And whether or not you should pursue your PhD? If you decide you want to get this degree- you're correct- you probably shouldn't be living off your parent's income while your married. So make a grown-up decision and be patient...you CAN wait for marriage. I promise- it won't kill you, especially if you are meant to be with him.

Besides- How old are you anyways? And how old is he? What does HE want to do with his life?

[Deleted User]

imean - I agree with the girls above - your post doesn't make much sense to me. If you and your BF want to move in together, that's fine. If you're moving in together just  to save money that seems a bit odd to me. If you're moving in together to save money and NOT pay down his extensive debt...that just doesn't compute. Why would you want him to save up for an e-ring, then start your engagement $8,000 in the hole? Next, you'll be complaining that you don't have enough money for a wedding.

My advice - enjoy your relationship where it is at. Talk to your guy about the future and where you'd like to be financially in 1-3 years. I personally would make sure paying down his debt is a priority for him, because once you're married that debt becomes yours too. 

peekaboo2011

I remember you now.

Are you by chance getting your Masters at Liberty?  I know they have a program.  And the last girl I know who graduated from that program is...getting a divorce.  *headdesk*

Beads921

Asking someone to move in so he can save money for a ring he might not even want to buy is a terrible idea. Kicking him out as soon as he's saved that money is even worse. (All the while he still has other debt that may or may not be getting paid off.) This whole idea actually makes me incredibly angry. How selfish can you be?

Actually, I'd like to continue on my rant: Your parents are still supporting you pretty much 100% and you're entertaining getting married!?!?! WTF?

imean

Thanks for all the responses! I guess I should clarify certain things... First of all, if my boyfriend was to stay at my apartment a few months, I wouldn't ever kick him out, but we've talked about it and agree that part of the excitement about getting married for us will be getting a place together and moving in together offically, decorating together, etc, so we just want to share that experience as well. We've obviously talked about getting engaged extensively, and I would not have thought of this had he not expressed frustration about having to wait so long before he can start to save up, if he moved in he'd be able to keep making payments toward his loans and save up to get engaged. Also, as of right now my parents are supporting me because I am working toward my master's full time, and have to see patients and not charge them... So I have a full-time job as a therapist, but can't charge a dime. As soon as I graduate in 8 months I plan on working and taking responsibility of all my bills.

Talking about parents, its not that I am greedy and need a ring, its just that we come from very conservative latino families and if there isn't a diamond ring involved they won't take our engagement seriously... unless I was pregnant lol.

Ok, sorry for the super long post, I just wanted to give you guys a better picture of our situation. Also, I'm 24 and he's 29, since someone had asked me earlier.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:739d3117-1d5b-4956-94f0-e2e384a2e0d0">Re: Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the responses! I guess I should clarify certain things... First of all, if my boyfriend was to stay at my apartment a few months, I wouldn't ever kick him out, but we've talked about it and agree that <strong>part of the excitement about getting married for us will be getting a place together and moving in together offically, decorating together, etc, so we just want to share that experience as well.</strong> We've obviously talked about getting engaged extensively, and I would not have thought of this had he not expressed frustration about having to wait so long before he can start to save up, if he moved in he'd be able to keep making payments toward his loans and save up to get engaged. Also, as of right now my parents are supporting me because I am working toward my master's full time, and have to see patients and not charge them... So I have a full-time job as a therapist, but can't charge a dime. <strong>As soon as I graduate in 8 months I plan on working and taking responsibility of all my bills</strong>. Talking about parents, its not that I am greedy and need a ring, its just that we come from very conservative latino families and <strong>if there isn't a diamond ring involved they won't take our engagement seriously</strong>... unless I was pregnant lol. Ok, sorry for the super long post, I just wanted to give you guys a better picture of our situation. Also, I'm 24 and he's 29, since someone had asked me earlier.
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]


#1:  That can still be a fun experience whether you are married or not.  I lived with my H for 2 and a half years before we got married, and I assure you, it didn't take away any excitement of getting married.

#2: Then you shouldn't even be THINKING about marriage until this happens.  In no way should you be trying to essentially 'force' him into buying you a ring when you don't even pay your own damn bills.  That seems incredibly selfish and entitled to me.

#3:  As long as YOU take it seriously, so should your family.  I think you just want a ring....

peekaboo2011

You still make no sense.

lunarsongbird

I think you should just get KU'd. ::shrugs:: Seems like an easy fix.
::kidding::

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:b81e213d-7c11-48fe-907b-fed8708497e0">Re: Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should just get KU'd. ::shrugs:: Seems like an easy fix. ::kidding::
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>...or are you?</div>

caitlin.cave

If he stays in your apartment 6 days a week, how are you saving the excitement of moving in together until after the wedding...?

I do think that you should be paying for your own living expenses in grad school.  Shoot, the last few years of undergrad too, if it's not included in tuition.  I personally don't think parents should be responsible for anything in grad school, but whatever, that's probably just me; however, it doesn't matter if you're a full-time student.  I am, and I had a job on campus, and now I have an internship 32 hours a week in addition to being a full-time student.  It's doable.  I do not think you should ask your parents to pay for your boyfriend's housing so he can save up for a ring.

Waiting for a ring just to satisfy your families is silly.  They will take you seriously when you seriously do it.  Honestly, do what is right for you.  If your family doesn't like it, they'll get over it.  If you want a ring, but want to be engaged now, get a CZ and upgrade later to a diamond when you can afford it.

SKP82

"Officially" moving in together... that's a new one.

When will this EEENNNNNDDD??

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:d507e5a3-e42c-4754-a03e-4f2af7ab9560">Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE] I might offer him to move in with me temporarily, for 4-6 months so he can save up that rent money for a ring,<strong> with the condition that that money is being set aside for the engagement. </strong>
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I stopped reading after this. So you are essentially BRIBING your BF to save up for an e-ring?

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:c48febb3-8e7f-48be-b174-d39d6cfc02fa">Re: Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]You are getting a graduate degree in marriage and family therapy?
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Oh lord, I thought you were making a joke until I saw her ticker.

imean

Thanks again for all the input. I think you've all come forward with some really good things to consider before making any decisions. I just thought about this option and posted online, but clearly it was probably not as good as it originally seemed. However, I do think it's funny you guys think being a marriage & family therapist means I'm supposed to have the answers to all the relationship answers, we just have tools to help people decide on their own, we can't impose.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_moving-together-save-up-engagement-good-idea?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d8dd87d8-4063-4938-a60a-ebb5b1eae1f6Post:8c9ecbf1-a068-41e3-8d29-0ddd7ddfa7c3">Re: Moving in together to save up for engagement, good idea?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks again for all the input. I think you've all come forward with some really good things to consider before making any decisions. I just thought about this option and posted online, but clearly it was probably not as good as it originally seemed. However, I do think it's funny you guys think being a marriage & family therapist means I'm supposed to have the answers to all the relationship answers, we just have tools to help people decide on their own, we can't impose.
Posted by imean[/QUOTE]

<div>Um, we were talking about the fact that you can't seem to figure out what's best for your own relationship.  Especially wiht regards to communication, and the fact that you want to live with him and then kick him out once he has your e-ring.</div>

SeaTea02

How do your parents feel about paying for you and your boyfriend to live together? Since they are "conservative latinos" I would imagine they wouldn't be too happy.