Not Engaged Yet

My Boyfriend's Family.

We are planning to be engaged with in the next few months. (Thinking by April.) His family hates me. Does anyone else have this problem? What do I do? I hate the way they make me feel, I hate how they treat me, and I hate knowing that I have to see them. I told my boyfriend that when we get engaged that I am only telling one person. A girl that I grew up with. I figured what I would do is wait for the summer have the engagement photos done. Send them out to everyone and then not answer the phone once they all have been recieved. 

Example #1:

Tonight I got a phone call from his parents. I didn't answer it because of that horrible feeling you get in the pit of your stomach and that panicky feeling. About 30 seconds later I was composed and figured it must of been an accident or that they wanted to get a hold of my boyfriend because it was an emergency. So I call them back and they ignore me. So I sent a text stating "Sorry I missed the call. I'm assuming that it was an accidental dial. Just wanted to make sure you were ok." They ignored that too.
Example #2:
I haven't seen his parents since May. Right before my birthday. My great grandmother had just died the day before. And the plot she paid for was with her parents with a headstone she had chosen including her name. The church buried another person in my great grandmothers spot. And they didn't know who the female was in the plot. My family and I was very upset about this. My boy friend tells his mother that I am heading home for a few days and what was going on. Instead of a normal conversation she decided to try to have an argument with me. Her main point of the argument was "Who cares she's dead anyway."

I want my boyfriend to say something to them about how they treat me but he never does. He cowards down to them and becomes like a child. I'm really frustrated and I have no one to talk to about this.
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Re: My Boyfriend's Family.

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You have a BF problem. He needs to man up. The first example you gave I don't think is really that big of a deal (my own parents would probably do that to me - get over it) but the second one was out of line.

    This will not go away. If he doesn't talk to them it will be like this forever. Is this something you are prepared to deal with for the rest of your life?


  • edited December 2011
    How old are you and your boyfriend?
    How long have you been together?
    Why does his family hate you?
  • edited December 2011
    Ly-
    I am 27 and he is 28.
    We have been together for 3 1/2 years.
    And why is a good question. I don't even know that myself.

    Everytime I see them they don't talk to me. They will talk to my boyfriend (obviously) but as soon as he leaves the room they won't say a word. Even though I have tried to talk to them. Everytime we buy gifts for them they only thank my boyfriend. A week before Thanksgiving my uncle committed sucide his parents said "Her family is lucky to have you." They wrote that in an email to him. I've never had this problem before.
    He says that is just the way they are. But I just find it rude.

    Beth -
    I hear you there. I guess even the little things are starting to pile up. I want him to talk to them but he keeps saying that it will just make things worse. I love him very much I just don't love his family. I know that it will always bother me to be treated the way that I do by them.

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dac0c9db-05c8-443f-9d8d-745ce97b71eaPost:717a3032-2170-4c4d-b965-f826d91615ef">Re: My Boyfriend's Family.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ly- I am 27 and he is 28. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. And why is a good question. I don't even know that myself. Everytime I see them they don't talk to me. They will talk to my boyfriend (obviously) but as soon as he leaves the room they won't say a word. Even though I have tried to talk to them. Everytime we buy gifts for them they only thank my boyfriend. A week before Thanksgiving my uncle committed sucide his parents said "Her family is lucky to have you." They wrote that in an email to him. I've never had this problem before. <strong>He says that is just the way they are. </strong>But I just find it rude. Beth - I hear you there. I guess even the little things are starting to pile up. I want him to talk to them but he keeps saying that it will just make things worse. I love him very much I just don't love his family. I know that it will always bother me to be treated the way that I do by them.
    Posted by Jeslyn583[/QUOTE]

    Are they this way to everyone or is it just you? If its everyone then I would try to not take it personally although I know its hurtful. But if they are only this way to you then you point out to your BF thats it not "just the way they are" if its only the way they are to you.


  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dac0c9db-05c8-443f-9d8d-745ce97b71eaPost:717a3032-2170-4c4d-b965-f826d91615ef">Re: My Boyfriend's Family.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ly- I am 27 and he is 28. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. And why is a good question. I don't even know that myself. Everytime I see them they don't talk to me. They will talk to my boyfriend (obviously) but as soon as he leaves the room they won't say a word. Even though I have tried to talk to them. Everytime we buy gifts for them they only thank my boyfriend. A week before Thanksgiving my uncle committed sucide his parents said "Her family is lucky to have you." They wrote that in an email to him. I've never had this problem before. He says that is just the way they are. But I just find it rude. Beth - I hear you there. I guess even the little things are starting to pile up. I want him to talk to them but he keeps saying that it will just make things worse. I love him very much I just don't love his family. I know that it will always bother me to be treated the way that I do by them.
    Posted by Jeslyn583[/QUOTE]

    I don't think what they said in a private email to your BF is something you need to get upset about. I also don't think what they said was rude or disrespectful.

    It sounds like they may just be very reserved and/or socially awkward. I don't see any definitive proof of them trying to be rude to you. Some people are just bad at small talk and don't have a lot of social graces.

    Just because they don't fawn all over you doesn't mean they hate you.

    Do you have more examples of how you think they're rude to you?
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  • edited December 2011
    When/if you marry him, his family becomes your family. You need to learn to communicate with them and find some kind of common ground. He needs to grow a pair and stand up for you.

    If those things don't happen, your relationship will likely be in BIG trouble.

    1) Go to couples counseling. Even before you're engaged, this isn't a bad idea. You guys need to work this out. He needs to learn how to stand up for you and you need to learn how to cope. You can't change his family. You can only control your own responses. He can control his.

    2) If/when you two get married, you will be your own family unit. You will need to put each other FIRST. Not parents, friends, or anyone else. You put your spouse first, as they are your partner and immediate family. He needs to know this, and he needs to SHOW you that he can put you first.

    3) Talk, talk, talk. Talk to him about how you feel. Talk to him about how he could help your relationship with his parents. Talk to him about how this could affect your future together. Talk, talk, talk. Get it out in the open and off your chest. Be honest, but don't be mean. This is his family, after all. Even if he disagrees with them, he still loves them. Be gentle but communicate your emotions and needs.

    You guys should hold off on the engagement until you have talked to a counselor and made great strides toward peace with his family. It's a big deal, it's difficult and heartbreaking, and you will spend the duration of your marriage in contact with these folks. It's especially important if the two of you plan to have children.

    These are (presumably) your future in-laws, and your future childrens' grandparents (assuming you want kids). DO NOT avoid telling them about your engagement. That is cruel. Your BF is their son, and always will be. Don't drive him apart from his parents. He needs to cut the apron strings himself and stand by your side, like a man should for the woman he wants to call his wife.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    It's also very possible that they are just socially awkward or don't welcome people into their family circle with open arms. Some families are difficult to break into and become part of. Sometimes, you just have to accept that and do your best not to take it personally and to cultivate some kind of relationship with them even if it's not the kind of relationship you expected to have with your BF's parents.

    I don't think the comment they made in that email was necessarily rude. Don't you think your family is lucky to have your BF? If you don't think that, I don't know why you'd consider marrying him.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I have only seen them around family. So I don't know how they act around other people. My boyfriend told me stories about the girl he dated before me and how they treated her. It's the same way they treat me. They told him how much they didn't like her after they had broken up.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dac0c9db-05c8-443f-9d8d-745ce97b71eaPost:24e1b6a5-9a45-48dc-b90b-ac5fab6a4cbe">Re: My Boyfriend's Family.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have only seen them around family. So I don't know how they act around other people. My boyfriend told me stories about the girl he dated before me and how they treated her. It's the same way they treat me. They told him how much they didn't like her after they had broken up.
    Posted by Jeslyn583[/QUOTE]

    It's entirely possible that in their family, it's normal to shun outsiders, so to speak. Some families are like that. If that's the case, you'll just have to come to terms with it. A big question is: can you handle this for the rest of your life if nothing ever changes? Because you can't MAKE it change. You can only change how you interpret it.

    I still recommend counseling. At least find yourself a premarital-type book with a hefty section on in-laws.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Oh, and I should also tell you- please consider what you're posting online and whether it could be traced back to you, no matter how slim the chance. If your posts are discovered by your BF's family at some future point, it will make things much worse.

    Cross my heart.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I don't want them to fawn over me. I just want to feel comfortable and be able to have a converstation with them.

    The boyfriend knows how I feel about it and I talk to him about it everytime. I don't hold anything in. 

    We have decided not to have kids. It was one of the first things I had wanted to discuss with him. 

    But I really do like the idea about the book. And while I am sure that they won't know about me posting this I was going to find a way to delete this after.
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, I was sure my in-laws wouldn't find my posts, either. It happened. Two months before my wedding. Sucks.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    My family and I do love him and are thankful that he is there for tough times. 

    I was just insulted by the entire email and actually he was too. The whole reason that they said that was because he told him that he went to Vermont for Thanksgiving. Instead of going to Northern Maine. So it was a jealous thing not a supportive comment.

    Now with being a "Newbie" how do I remove posts? Ha ha :)
  • edited December 2011
    Really?!?!? Did everything turn ok before wedding day?
  • edited December 2011
    Well, things have gotten a lot better now.

    Feel free to PM me anytime.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks! :) I just learned that you can not delete Embarassed
  • edited December 2011
    Normally I wouldn't suggest deleting, since it's frowned upon to delete something that other people took time to respond to. BUT, I really sympathize and would never wish what I went through on anyone else.

    You can edit your original post and delete the text. If you wouldn't mind, replace it with a note for anyone new coming to the discussion explaining that you're not being a jerk. Something like that. You can't do anything about what other folks quoted, though.

    And if new readers get down here to this post- you all can blame me. I told her how. But if you were here a year ago you know why I'm sympathetic! Foot in mouth
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I haven't dealt with this myself.  However, I have been the confidant for a very close friend in regards to her relationship with her in-laws.  I will tell you what I told her. 

    A) No matter what anyone says, you do marry his family when you marry him.  Unless he is going to be cutting ties with them, they are going to be in your life as long as you are married to him.

    B) Deal with this before you get married, and preferably before you get engaged.  It is a BIG freaking deal.  And this means dealing with how you react to them.  You cannot and will not change them.  He cannot change them either.  You can change how you react to them and how you deal with them. 

    C) Familes are different.  They have different dynamics and social norms.  They honestly may not see what they are doing as rude.   

    D)  You don't have to like your in-laws. (Future, whatever.)  You have to be courteous and respectful.  That is it.  Be realistic about what kind of relationship you want to have with them.  And realize that it goes both ways.   

    E) Do not trash talk them to him.  Discuss your issues with them in a calm, rational way.  Use "I feel" statements.  They ARE his parents.  Even if he doesn't agree with what they are doing, it can hurt to hear that your parents suck (particularly from the woman you love.)  I used the analogy that my mother is crazy.  I can call my mother crazy all day long.  I can biitch about her over and over again.  However, if my husband were to do that, I would not be happy.

    If you do not deal with this now, you could be like my friend.  She has been married since last April.  She was contemplating divorce in May because of his family.  (This is a very short version, but it is true.)  A lot of the statements you made in your first paragraph are ones that she has made to me.  She truly thought that loving him would be enough, but his family has taken a huge toll on her.  She and her husband are FINALLY communicating about it all.  I hope they make it, but a lot of this could have been dealt with before they ever got married.  It would have saved a lot of heartache and too many steps backwards.    

    Good luck.
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  • edited December 2011
    Mutley, I like how we gave very similar advice, but you used letters and I used numbers. We're like twins!
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I was thinking the same thing JeanaCorina ha ha ha too funny.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dac0c9db-05c8-443f-9d8d-745ce97b71eaPost:af3ad9d1-cf16-4591-ac01-add27e93c2a7">Re: My Boyfriend's Family.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mutley, I like how we gave very similar advice, but you used letters and I used numbers. We're like twins!
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    If being twins means that I, too, can rock red hair, I'm in!


    (I started typing my response awhile ago, but someone didn't think he was really down for the night, so I didn't see your post before responding.  If I had, I could have just put "I agree with whatever Jeana said.") 
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  • edited December 2011
    They sound like control freaks. I would move far away from those crazy people.
  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I don't necessarily get along with my BF's parents either. I find his father to be a complete jerk and he is always rude or has a sarcastic comment to say, especially to his wife, and then he will look at me for what seems to be support. It puts me in an awkward situation and makes me feel uncomfortable. I brought it up to BF and it exploded into a HUGE fight,


    What it comes down to is, it is his family...you don't have to love them but you do have to tolerate them because he is always going to love them. I know it sucks and makes you uncomfortable, but unless they straight up attack you and do something personally to you, I would just grin and bear it.

    You can choose your BF, fiance, or husband but you can't pick your in-laws. If you love him enough to deal with it then just choose to ignore them and not let it bother you to badly. You need to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

    I hope it all gets better and they warm up or something!

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_boyfriends-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dac0c9db-05c8-443f-9d8d-745ce97b71eaPost:b200768a-f023-490d-beb2-50042350e4dd">Re: My Boyfriend's Family.</a>:
    [QUOTE]When/if you marry him, his family becomes your family. You need to learn to communicate with them and find some kind of common ground. He needs to grow a pair and stand up for you. If those things don't happen, your relationship will likely be in BIG trouble. 1) Go to couples counseling. Even before you're engaged, this isn't a bad idea. You guys need to work this out. He needs to learn how to stand up for you and you need to learn how to cope. You can't change his family. You can only control your own responses. He can control his. 2) If/when you two get married, you will be your own family unit. You will need to put each other FIRST. Not parents, friends, or anyone else. You put your spouse first, as they are your partner and immediate family. He needs to know this, and he needs to SHOW you that he can put you first. 3) Talk, talk, talk. Talk to him about how you feel. Talk to him about how he could help your relationship with his parents. Talk to him about how this could affect your future together. Talk, talk, talk. Get it out in the open and off your chest. Be honest, but don't be mean. This is his family, after all. Even if he disagrees with them, he still loves them. Be gentle but communicate your emotions and needs. You guys should hold off on the engagement until you have talked to a counselor and made great strides toward peace with his family. It's a big deal, it's difficult and heartbreaking, and you will spend the duration of your marriage in contact with these folks. It's especially important if the two of you plan to have children. These are (presumably) your future in-laws, and your future childrens' grandparents (assuming you want kids). DO NOT avoid telling them about your engagement. That is cruel. Your BF is their son, and always will be. Don't drive him apart from his parents. He needs to cut the apron strings himself and stand by your side, like a man should for the woman he wants to call his wife.
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Listen to her. She is wise. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, check out motherinlawstories.com -- I read this from time to time and it will make you feel SO much better about the potential in-laws you have. Some of these stories are crazy. 

    </div>

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you SeaTea... I've done the google "Groom to be parents hate me" what do I do and found most of them to be 17. Which just freaked me out. Reading about someone else's or to see what others are going through will surely make me feel better.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you Luv - I hope that things get better for you too.
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I think the best possible thing to do is, as Jeana and Mutley said, not take it personally. 

    I'm still not convinced that they hate you, but even if they do, there is nothing you can do about it. You can't FORCE them to treat you how you want them to treat you, you know?

    I also agree that you need to be respectful and courteous. Be the bigger person, okay? You never, ever lose by taking the high road.

    Ask your BF for ideas on what to talk to his parents about if he has to leave the room. Part of being polite is making small talk, so keep trying it. Do they just not answer when you ask questions? 

    Give them the benefit of the doubt. I really think you'll be happier if you just assume the best of them. So, for that email, for example -- don't try to spin it or read a deeper snarky meaning into it. Just take it at face value -- your family is lucky to have him -- and move on. Seriously. High road is the way to go. Promise. Try to have a more positive attitude.

    Ask your BF if there is anything you can be doing to thaw them toward you. 

    Ditto PPs on not bad-mouthing them and sticking to "I feel" statements when talking with your BF about them. And it is SO important that he show through his behavior that you are his first priority, and you need to do the same for him. That might mean you sucking it up and spending time with his family, and him asking his family to act more warmly toward you.

    Also, these people are your BF's family. Family deserves to hear news of your engagement first and with a personal contact such as going over to their house or at the very least giving them a call. It is NOT okay to notify parents via an engagement photo in the mail.

    GL and please keep us updated!


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  • edited December 2011
    Yes, I do know what you mean. (And agree with you.)

    I try my very best to stay positive with them as much as possible. My boyfriend knows how I feel and we have talked about it. I don't say anything bad about them to him I just state how I feel and that my feelings are hurt. I want him to know that and I don't want to hide things from him. 

    I am currently trying to have a relationship with his sister and two year old nephew. So I'm hoping by doing this it will help with the other family members. I do know and realize that if I don't try to do this now it will be more difficult later on.

    They do not answer me or even acknowledge me when he is in or out of the room. It's worse when he isn't. His mom will pick up the paper and read and his dad will put on the t.v.. And if they can't get away with not answering me it's one word answers or "uh huh".

    I've asked him on what to do.... Perhaps I should retry this. His two year old nephew has started calling me "Uncle" perhaps this will be another in with them. I am truly trying to be positive and will continue to take all the ladies advice I have recieved. 

    It has been a while since I have seen them. I do try to encourage the boyfriend to call them and visit but he doesn't want to. I don't really insist or push for it either. (He's probably doing it to spare my feelings.) I think you are right I need to show my face more often then I have been. I am sure the more I close myself off to them the worse I am making it for me to be able to be comfortable around them. 

    I am just sooo scared and worried about what they would say or do that I kept trying to think of a way that I wouldn't have to put myself out there. All I can think about is Fear Of Rejection. (That just kinda made me laugh cause it brought me back to the good ol' high school days.)

    I moved about 360 miles away from home.... From my friends and family. So I can not thank you ladies enough to come here and share with me, support/discuss my feelings, and to listen to me. I really appreciate knowing that you all cared enough to make me feel better. 


  • edited December 2011
    It's intimidating, but I do think spending more time with them will help. Just bite the bullet and do it. The more you're around, the more likely they are to warm up.

    And... his nephew calls you "Uncle?" That's hilarious.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    It's wicked adorable. I'll take "Uncle" any day :) 
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