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Prenups...

How do you feel about a prenup? Do you plan on signing one?

Here is why I ask... I brought up prenups the other night with FI. I told him, if he wanted one, I don't mind (his family has money, my family doesn't have enough to warrant a prenup). His response? "I don't want to be planning our divorce before we're even done planning the wedding". That was the end of the conversation.

Fast forward to this weekend... FI tells me he has a "So" questions (Whenever I asked an uncomfortable/personal question towards the beginning of the relationship, I'd always start the question with Sooooo..., therefore, we now call them So Questions). He tells me his parents want us to sign a prenup because of their money. So, I guess we're signing a prenup (but it will just include his parent's money).

I know this is the responsible thing to do. And, I don't mind signing a prenup.And, I know his parents like me. But, a little part of me feels sad that we have to write up legal documents for a divorce when the marriage hasn't even started yet.


~~December 3, 2011~~

Re: Prenups...

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    motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I know exactly how you feel.  For me after a few weeks of letting it simmer in my head I came to the conclusion that I knew why he wanted one and it made sense to protect his father's money and investments.  So we have a prenup made up to just deal with the money that FI's father has invested in the projects that FI has going on.  When he first told me I understood in my brain why, but my heart was sad because it made me feel like he thinks I'm a gold digger or something if we divorce.  I think in due time you'll come to think of it as a necessity.  Hang in there.
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    AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think they are a good idea if either person has assets coming into the marriage.  I wouldn't hesitate to sign one if that's what FI wanted.  It's not planning for a divorce, it's more like an insurance policy.  Something you hope you really never have to use.

    Your FI should be the one to make the decision about wanting the prenup, not his parents.  I understand them wanting him to, but the decision is ultimately up to him.
    I'm not good at feelings.

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    edited December 2011

    Personally I don't like prenups. I know a lot of people are all for them, and in many cases they are warranted...but I personally don't like the idea. (and I am the one making the moolah in my relationship right now, so it wouldn't be in my favor leaving things up to the courts if it came to that)

    In you case, however, it seems a little silly that his parents want you both to have one. I may be completely wrong on this, but unless they passed away - their personal wealth would never come into play if you and your FI were ever to get a divorce (heaven forbid!). If they were concerned about after their passing, all they would need to do is create a will. You can specify how your wealth is spread, and they would not have to leave anything to you. I really don't see why they are concerned...especially if your FI is not.

    Since you did broach the subject originally though, I would try not to take it personal. His parents are just trying to protect their son and their wealth...and it says nothing about you or how they feel about you at all. Try to look at it more as the "business of marriage" instead of something personal.

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    edited December 2011
    Prenups are super romantic :)

    -Talking openly about finances before you start your marriage together is a wise choice. Most marriages break up over money. It helps the two of you to build trust and establish financial transparency.

    -The prenup terms can be negotiated by both parties. Signing a prenup is essentially saying to each other that "no matter what happens down the road, I want your needs to be taken care of."

    -I once heard prenups compared to the safety mechanisms on an airplane. You don't get on the plane expecting it to crash, but you still go over all of the safety information before it can get off the ground. You're just deciding what is fair to both of you, in the unlikely event that the plane crashes.

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_prenups-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:db60482a-5ad9-4fb0-9660-1542920968f6Post:05668d01-5ba7-487c-87a2-c5d0741e518e">Re: Prenups...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Prenups are super romantic :) -Talking openly about finances before you start your marriage together is a wise choice. Most marriages break up over money. It helps the two of you to build trust and establish financial transparency. -The prenup terms can be negotiated by both parties. Signing a prenup is essentially saying to each other that "no matter what happens down the road, I want your needs to be taken care of."<strong>-I once heard prenups compared to the safety mechanisms on an airplane. You don't get on the plane expecting it to crash, but you still go over all of the safety information before it can get off the ground. You're just deciding what is fair to both of you, in the unlikely event that the plane crashes.
    </strong>Posted by musikbx[/QUOTE]

    I like this analogy musikbx. I still don't like the idea of a prenup (emotionally), but this makes a lot of sense.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_prenups-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:db60482a-5ad9-4fb0-9660-1542920968f6Post:05668d01-5ba7-487c-87a2-c5d0741e518e">Re: Prenups...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Prenups are super romantic :) -Talking openly about finances before you start your marriage together is a wise choice. Most marriages break up over money. It helps the two of you to build trust and establish financial transparency. -The prenup terms can be negotiated by both parties. Signing a prenup is essentially saying to each other that "no matter what happens down the road, I want your needs to be taken care of."<strong> -I once heard prenups compared to the safety mechanisms on an airplane. You don't get on the plane expecting it to crash, but you still go over all of the safety information before it can get off the ground. You're just deciding what is fair to both of you, in the unlikely event that the plane crashes.</strong>
    Posted by musikbx[/QUOTE]

    I like that too! I don't mind signing the prenup. And my FI is a financial advisor, so we have discussed money and finances until we're both blue in the face. I understand his parents wanting to protect their son and the money they've worked hard to earn.

    FI said when we talked the first time, that he wasn't thinking about his parents money, just thinking about his finances. And, he agrees with wanting to protect his parents assets. My only stipulation is that if there are children involved, I expect that the children will be taken care of.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I look at prenups like I look at having a will - it's worst-case scenario preparation that I hope never happens, but it's good just in case.  I've actually heard that people who have wills are less likely to die prematurely.  Just because I write a will, it certainly doesn't mean I want to die anytime soon! The forethought to process all these things when you're both at your best is actually a good thing - you guys can talk about the ups and downs, worst-case-scenarios and all.

    My parents will likely want us to sign a pre-nup, but their trusts for my brother and I are already so airtight it's hard to imagine anything happening.

    Anyway, I've got no problems with them.  I can see why it seems a bit morbid, but it's the same way to discuss a will.  BF and I have already written wills and have them in a safe deposit box.  We don't have a lot of assets, but we do understand that things can happen unexpectedly and want to have our wishes spelled out just in case, especially a living will (under what circumstances we'd want to continue living, and when to pull the plug).  I think it's part of being a mature, responsible couple - discussing even the not-so-nice possibilities of the future, and coming to an agreement on what you'd do in those circumstances.

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    AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't see how a will and a prenup can be compared.  You might not get divorced, but you most certainly are going to die.
    I'm not good at feelings.

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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_prenups-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:db60482a-5ad9-4fb0-9660-1542920968f6Post:e0fe2736-b7c5-4b2c-87d6-136e5e726e73">Re: Prenups...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't see how a will and a prenup can be compared.  You might not get divorced, but you most certainly are going to die.
    Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

    Sure, we're all going to die eventually, but the how and when and why is all up in the air.  My parents put clauses in about who would take care of their kids when we were very young, what would happen if one or both of them was mentally unable to make their own life or death decisions, etc.  Those are extreme circumstances that aren't inevitable, but they had plans for them just in case.

    Look, if someone says 100% that they will not get divorced in any circumstance, then a pre-nup is a piece of paper that means nothing since it will never come into play.  I prefer to look at it as a 'worst case scenario' plan.

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    edited December 2011
    If i were you, my problem wouldn't be the prenup, it would be that he flat out told you he didn't want one until his parents hold him he did want one. 

    I just wouldn't like the power they seem to have over his decisions, but that is me. 

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    AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I understand what you are saying, but if a prenup is a "worst case scenario" type of thing, but I don't also see a will in that way.   I see having a plan for a divorce and a plan if you die, I just don't put them on the same level of comparison.  But I digress..

    In either case, I think both are good to have.
    I'm not good at feelings.

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_prenups-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:db60482a-5ad9-4fb0-9660-1542920968f6Post:49b12b68-082c-45fd-ac20-f1bf071f83b3">Re: Prenups...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand what you are saying, but if a prenup is a "worst case scenario" type of thing, but I don't also see a will in that way.   I see having a plan for a divorce and a plan if you die, I just don't put them on the same level of comparison.  But I digress.. In either case, I think both are good to have.
    Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

    <div>It says "gold digger" in your sig. We get it. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>JUST KIDDING <3</div>

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    AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_prenups-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:db60482a-5ad9-4fb0-9660-1542920968f6Post:daed43ff-bbbc-4d0b-8ad1-96bf68a3f892">Re: Prenups...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Prenups... : It says "gold digger" in your sig. We get it.  JUST KIDDING <3
    Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

    <div>GIMME DA GOLD!  I WANT DA GOLD!  GIMME DAT GOLD!</div>
    I'm not good at feelings.

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    cu97tigercu97tiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ember - I completely understand how you feel. Logically, I would completely understand if my BF wanted a pre-nup (he has saved much more money during his working life than I have, and he makes more money than I do), but emotionally I'd be a little stung. 

    Especially because the pre-nup is mostly geared towards protecting his parents' assets, I'd let it roll off your back and not think about it. As much as possible, anyway!
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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Personally it would bother   me unless thier assets were company related. As in  they were major shareholders who ran a company and a divorce could take that away etcthat type of situation could potentially change alot of other peoples lives as well.  I think if it is just stocks, bonds, investments that primarily equal cash then to have you write a prenup is silly. Once you are married, whats his is yours and what is yours is his. When his parents pass away and leave him money, it becomes yours as well. It sounds like you are ok with it though. I would hire your own lawyer though or one with your fiance and make sure that you and your children are taken care of in the event of a divorce or his death. i would make sure that any money still comes to you and your kids, or at least your kids if god forbid he has an untimely death.
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    edited December 2011
    Neither my fiance nor I have any assets that need protecting and we both make around the same amount of money, so a prenup is pretty unecessary for us. However, I agree with Cate, a prenup is a plan for worst-case scenario, not planning for divorce. And if you have something worth protecting, I think a prenup is wise. I think that most people go into marriages with the best of intentions, but the reality is that many marriages end badly. And its been my experience that even people you think you know inside and out can surprise you with the way they act when things start to go sour in a relationship, so it's best to protect oneself.
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