First TK post (I think?)

StarfishStamp

Hey!  I've been lurking here for quite a while now, and I just (finally) posted on the GTKY thread, but my BF said something so exciting a couple of days ago and I can't tell anyone else because nothing's official, but I HAVE to share with someone:

After having casually talked about getting married for a few months, SO told me Friday night the reason he hasn't proposed yet is that he wants to be in a different place financially.  We actually talked about his fears and concerns and what's been holding him back, and I found out a TON of very important information, and am happy to know that he wasn't talking about our future idly.  It actually seems to really be painful for him to wait, but he thinks it's the right thing to do.

Of course, the first thing I did the next day while replaying the convo in my mind was look at wedding dresses and engagement rings, before I reminded myself not to be cray cray.

His daughter, S, has been very vocally wondering why we weren't married yet and when it was going to happen for months now.  She's angling for a sibling, but she's going to be SOL for now.

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-yooouu?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7f434415-b89f-41e2-8c60-50999902630dPost:d0f51325-2031-492b-af93-26f5f139ac64">Re: Getting to know yooouu.</a>:
[QUOTE]Screen Name: starfishstamp <strong>Age: 22 Significant Other's Age: 43</strong> What You Do: Student What SO Does: About to start teaching! State of Relationship: Living Together How Long You've Been Together: 18 months How You Met: Through high school connection in NYC Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): N/A Real Babies: His daughter, S Fur Babies: Cat, Bonnie and Rabbit, Subby (S named him!) Also on a breeder's list for a puppy in the spring! Loves: beaches, horses, DOGS, long drives, big hugs from small children, my iPhone Hates: Hearing people chew! Hair in the shower drain, orange vegetables (carrots, squash, pumpkin, etc.) and bugs of all shapes and sizes.  Pet Peeves: when people talk over me, intentional cruelty Hobbies/Activities: Ride horses, study, used to sing opera, volunteer with kids, read Favorite Thing About Your SO: There are so many! The way he makes me feel, I guess: cherished Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: He can be very...emotional Describe Your Personality: Sweet, frank, TMI inclined (I will talk about bodily functions, sex, medical issues, etc, without shame) Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): 4 on a normal day,  7 when I'm in a bad mood I've Been On TK Since: June 2011? I don't actually remember. How You Came to Be On TK: Was on the bump after meeting and moving in with my SO and (unofficial) SD, which lead me here How I like my potatoes: mashed, fried, in soups, I love me some potatoes any way I can get 'em Favorite book/author: Shamelessly, Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I've lived alone, either in boarding school, dorms, or apartments/houses, since I was 12.   ETA: He's not teaching at my college! And we met on neutral ground, in NYC
Posted by StarfishStamp[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Is the age difference ever hard to deal with? Are people judgey about that? What do your parents think about it? </div>

peekaboo2011

Screen Name: starfishstamp
Age: 22
Significant Other's Age: 43
What You Do: Student
What SO Does: About to start teaching!
State of Relationship: Living Together
How Long You've Been Together: 18 months
How You Met: Through high school connection in NYC
Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): N/A
Real Babies: His daughter, S
Fur Babies: Cat, Bonnie and Rabbit, Subby (S named him!) Also on a breeder's list for a puppy in the spring!
Loves: beaches, horses, DOGS, long drives, big hugs from small children, my iPhone
Hates: Hearing people chew! Hair in the shower drain, orange vegetables (carrots, squash, pumpkin, etc.) and bugs of all shapes and sizes. 
Pet Peeves: when people talk over me, intentional cruelty
Hobbies/Activities: Ride horses, study, used to sing opera, volunteer with kids, read
Favorite Thing About Your SO: There are so many! The way he makes me feel, I guess: cherished
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: He can be very...emotional
Describe Your Personality: Sweet, frank, TMI inclined (I will talk about bodily functions, sex, medical issues, etc, without shame)
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): 4 on a normal day,  7 when I'm in a bad mood
I've Been On TK Since: June 2011? I don't actually remember.
How You Came to Be On TK: Was on the bump after meeting and moving in with my SO and (unofficial) SD, which lead me here
How I like my potatoes: mashed, fried, in soups, I love me some potatoes any way I can get 'em
Favorite book/author: Shamelessly, Harry Potter series, J.K. RowlingTell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I've lived alone, either in boarding school, dorms, or apartments/houses, since I was 12.  
ETA: He's not teaching at my college! And we met on neutral ground, in NYC----


Ummmm...you met through a HS connection?  Like, you were in HS and he was a friend of a friend?
Also, your ETA makes me really question why you felt the need to validate that.  Which makes me guess that your family/friends are not okay with this relationship.  Which makes me really wonder what's going on.

audrewuh

I'm interested that you did boarding school. What grades?

StarfishStamp

rdr716: When we first met, I was very unsure about the age difference, but more I was hesitant because of the distance along with the age difference.  People are surprisingly not judgy about it, other than basically my parents (who I had no relationship with prior to meeting him, and I have not been close with in quite a while).  The rest of my family is very supportive, as is his family.  Age right now hasn't been a huge factor in our relationship other than worries about the future and potential health problems.

peekaboo2011: I went to Andover and he went to Exeter (not sure if this will have any significance for anyone, which is why I didn't specify).  The reason he approached me and the topic of our first conversation was that connection.  It's a pretty strong commonality, and a unique one.

audrewuh: I went to boarding school from the 6th grade through high school.  Given my own experiences, if my kids were interested in doing the same, I would wholeheartedly support it!

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:2a095afc-ed45-41f4-a8c4-479d5a66ab1c">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]@ rdr716 : When we first met, I was very unsure about the age difference, but more I was hesitant because of the distance along with the age difference.  People are surprisingly not judgy about it, other than basically my parents (who I had no relationship with prior to meeting him, and I have not been close with in quite a while).  The rest of my family is very supportive, as is his family.  Age right now hasn't been a huge factor in our relationship other than worries about the future and potential health problems. peekaboo2011 : I went to Andover and he went to Exeter (not sure if this will have any significance for anyone, which is why I didn't specify).  The reason he approached me and the topic of our first conversation was that connection.  It's a pretty strong commonality, and a unique one. audrewuh : I went to boarding school from the 6th grade through high school.  Given my own experiences, if my kids were interested in doing the same, I would wholeheartedly support it!
Posted by StarfishStamp[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm sorry, but I am going to judge.  He's 20 years older than you are.  That's...creepy.

</div>

bethsmiles

How old is his daughter?

What are you going to school for?

When did you start living together?

Also, there is NEVER shame is loving Harry Potter.

ravenray

What is your major?  

You might want to slow your roll just a little.  Age differences can work but it is more difficult as people often aren't at the same places in life.  Since you are young I would not worry too much about not being engaged yet.  

StarfishStamp

@ buggle2 and peekaboo2011: Eh, people will judge no matter what, and I recognize that we're all entitled to our own opinions, so I don't really think of negative perceptions about age as being my problem.  He makes me happy and I make him happy and that's what matters to me.

@ bethsmiles: She turned 7 a few months ago.  She has a very cursory relationship with her mother, which in some ways complicates things and in some ways simplifies them.  She and I are in a great place and the relationship we're building is as good as it gets, I think.  She has become an incredibly important, positive, priority in my life, which I hadn't expected.

I'm double majoring in Sociology and Spanish (speak it fluently and have lived abroad in spanish speaking countries for a decent amount of time) and I'm currently taking my time deciding when/whether I'll apply to law school, but the current projected time frame is to do it next fall.

We started living together in June "officially" (whatever that means) but I spent a few weeks with them at the end of last winter, when my internship in Mexico ended early unexpectedly.

@ravenray: About not being engaged yet, it's a complicated subject, as I'm sure it is for everyone.  In its most distilled, simplistic form, my engagement excitement comes down to each of us desiring to have children within a particular time frame, and my wanting to be married (or even "just" engaged) before starting down that path. 

ravenray

You are 22.  Even if you wanted to have kids before 30 you have plenty of time.  You haven't been dating that long so give it a little more time  There is nothing wrong with being excited about possibly getting engaged but don't let it take over your life.  Focus on your relationship now and ways you can make it better.  

audrewuh

Yea, I'm not buying it. It's gross. He's 43 and you're 22? My Fi's parental units are 43. He's old enough to be your father. That's like having sex with your dad and your relationship has daddy issues written all over it. 

Please, for the sake of his daughter, chill the heck out. The poor girl needs her dad to find a real wife, someone who isn't old enough to be her sister but someone old enough to be her mother. Otherwise she may end up with daddy issues too. 

You need to enjoy being 22. Try being single and 22. It's an amazing feeling. You can go to parties and hang out with guys your own age. Or go to bible study and fellowship with people your own age. Something. There's only one thing I can think of that a 43 yr old and a 22 yr old would have in common and that thought gives me the heebie geebies. 

StarfishStamp

Thanks everyone for your constructive posts.  I think we're going to have to agree to disagree here, but it's wonderful that you are trying to look out for me, and (mostly) doing it in such a respectful, kind way.  I'm not going to "defend" my relationship but I will say that everything that has been brought up here we have considered and discussed. And, importantly, that I would NEVER be in this relationship if I thought it was harmful for his daughter, and I reevaluate that often, yes, with the help of a therapist.  

dewingedpixie

I just want to say I am with all of these ladies about the age difference. This is coming from a woman who's fiance is 10.5 years older. The difference is we've both been married before. I also am the one with a child, I work full time, go to school, and handle some medical issues in myself and my child. This puts me in a situation that makes that gap seem a little bit smaller. We also dated 2 years before getting engaged and talked about everything before hand. Both of our families were 100% approving and our friends as well of us getting married. No one blinked an eye at the 10 years because we honestly work that well together we are like two peas in a pod. We honestly bring out the best in each other. 10 years at 31 and 42 is also a huge difference than 20 years in your young twenties. You are just starting life you dont even 100% know what you want from life. I'm not saying people dont get married at this stage and make it work, but often both people are at the same stage/age and they grow together. Its hard to grow together when the man you're with has already done his growing. There is also something fundementally creepy about him being twice your age.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:39f92e1c-a6f3-4685-b2a4-07d6cbd1ecdb">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for your constructive posts.  I think we're going to have to agree to disagree here, but it's wonderful that you are trying to look out for me, and (mostly) doing it in such a respectful, kind way.  I'm not going to "defend" my relationship but I will say that everything that has been brought up here we have considered and discussed. And, importantly, that I would NEVER be in this relationship if I thought it was harmful for his daughter, and I reevaluate that often, yes, with the help of a therapist.  :)
Posted by StarfishStamp[/QUOTE]

<div>I have to say, I am heartened (is that even a word... anyway, the opposite of disheartened) by how you are responding to everyone's posts. You do seem to have a certain level of maturity that we don't see in a lot of 22 year olds around here.</div><div>
</div><div>I will caution you, though. One of my best friends has, for many years, dated men at least 20 and in some cases 30 years older than her. People judge her for it even if they never say anything to her. She is now slightly over 30 and is re-evaluating what she wants from her relationships... namely children, but how scary would it be to have a child with someone who is 60 years old and may never see the child graduate from high school?</div><div>
</div><div>Also, my aunt married a man 25 years older than her (She was 21, he was 46). They were very in love. 20 years later, their age difference was just too much to overcome, and they got divorced. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm not saying that you should run screaming in the other direciton, just please know that you need to seriously think about what your priorities are going to be like as a 35 year old woman vs what your now-BFs will be when he is 56. This relationship might be wonderful now, but that doesn't mean it's a forever relationship.</div>

audrewuh

Nope. I can't get over the ick. And I do feel terrible for his daughter because I've seen life from her point of view. It's all fun and games now while she's 7, but when she's 10 or 11, it's gonna mess with her. 

motoLyn

Hi and welcome to the board.  I'm glad that you can come on here and discuss all of this with a level head.  The ladies here do try to help and pass on advice that they too have received.  I just want to say that as long as you are mindful of your relationship and where it is and heading then only you can be sure of the continuity and strength of it,.  The ladies above have already said it but I want to re visit the topic. 22 is still a young age, and you exhibit a level of maturity that is older than most early 20 year olds that we encounter here.  But I really do think that focusing on getting yourself settled and stable right now is bigger priority than when your BF will be financially stable to propose and marry you.  Its an awesome feeling to talk to your SO about spending the rest of your life together but don't let that define the present moment for you, especially when most of the growing and finding of one's self happens in the mid to late 20s. 

I hope that you stick around and get to know all of us better as we get to know you better.

audrewuh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:15d7dda0-90f9-4cd1-ab2c-ea6e8b169e6c">First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey!  I've been lurking here for quite a while now, and I just (finally) posted on the GTKY thread, but my BF said something so exciting a couple of days ago and I can't tell anyone else because nothing's official, but I HAVE to share with someone: After having casually talked about getting married for a few months, SO told me Friday night the reason he hasn't proposed yet is that he wants to be <strong>in a different place financially.</strong>  We actually talked about his fears and concerns and what's been holding him back, and I found out a TON of very important information, and am happy to know that he wasn't talking about our future idly.  It actually seems to really be painful for him to wait, but he thinks it's the right thing to do. Of course, the first thing I did the next day while replaying the convo in my mind was look at wedding dresses and engagement rings, before I reminded myself not to be cray cray. His daughter, S, has been very vocally wondering why we weren't married yet and when it was going to happen for months now.  She's angling for a sibling, but she's going to be SOL for now.
Posted by StarfishStamp[/QUOTE]

<div>Wait, so he's not financially stable enough to propose? But he has a 7 yr old daughter? I would want him to be in a better place financially for the sake of his daughter, not for the sake of your proposal and PPD. That's just selfish and wrong.</div><div>
</div><div>Tiger had some great things to say, but I don't think your reaction is a sing of maturity. I think it's a sign of immaturity masked by someone who knows how to write well. You just say the same thing other girls making stupid decisions say, "I'll do what I want and you guys are just stupid! You don't know me at all!" Saying it more eloquently does not a stronger argument make. </div><div>
</div>

audrewuh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:ac075e93-183a-4002-811d-a48c690f8506">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi and welcome to the board.  I'm glad that you can come on here and discuss all of this with a level head.  The ladies here do try to help and pass on advice that they too have received.  I just want to say that as long as you are mindful of your relationship and where it is and heading then only you can be sure of the continuity and strength of it,.  The ladies above have already said it but I want to re visit the topic. 22 is still a young age, <strong>and you exhibit a level of maturity that is older than most early 20 year olds that we encounter here. </strong> But I really do think that focusing on getting yourself settled and stable right now is bigger priority than when your BF will be financially stable to propose and marry you.  Its an awesome feeling to talk to your SO about spending the rest of your life together but don't let that define the present moment for you, especially when most of the growing and finding of one's self happens in the mid to late 20s.  I hope that you stick around and get to know all of us better as we get to know you better.
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't think so. Any mature early 20 year old would be willing to put herself aside and think about the situation she's putting herself and those around her in. She hasn't. She's so focused on getting married to this 43 year old man that she doesn't see the implications it carries on her own life AND the life of his daughter AND her unborn children. She clearly isn't facing the personal daddy issues that she has and is instead running full force into a relationship with a man who isn't responsible enough to be financially stable and who has a daughter old enough to be her sister more than her daughter. </div><div>
</div><div>It also speaks a lot that she doesn't have a relationship with her parents, yet is dating someone that could easily be her parent. 

</div>

StarfishStamp

@audrewuh, I've reread your comments here, and thought about their potential legitimacy, but I don't really understand why you're being so combative?  It seems like you're reading my situation in the worst possible light you can frame it in. I'm not really making an argument, just sharing news that made me happy.  I get that we all have our own perspectives, but...I don't know.

Everyone else, I completely understand what you're saying, it's all very reasonable and valid!  I guess a 20 yr. age gap is not as strange to me as it might be to others because I know several couples, in both of our families, who are in the same boat.  My mother actually married someone who was 15 yrs older than she was (I was 5).  (Their marriage did not work out, but its failure had nothing to do with age, as far as I know.  They divorced because he committed a felony and was sent to prison.)

When I think of the age gap and the future, I look to all of the other examples I see around me, both happy and unhappy.  I don't find many relationships more functional or positive than mine. The age difference adds another layer of complexity, of course, but I prefer to consider our relationship in its entirety, rather than placing emphasis on problems that don't exist yet. 

I do want to bring up the fact that, with a 50% divorce rate, there's no guarantee for ANY marriage. Regardless of age, divorce happens (not that I hope for it to happen to me, of course), no matter how hard we may try to avoid it and choose our partners well. I'm not willing to end a wonderful relationship based on the fear of possibly being unhappy with him one day, because that's a risk I would run with any relationship.

Last, I realize that we may or may not work out in the end, and that he hasn't even proposed! My future, or lack thereof, with him and S are purely speculative at this point. I recognize that I've got some time and some more life to live and more evaluating/thinking to do, and I am doing my best to keep my roll firmly slowed.  

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:33c91f44-83e7-426b-9c31-e21c8f0ddf39">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]@audrewuh, I've reread your comments here, and thought about their potential legitimacy, but I don't really understand why you're being so combative?  It seems like you're reading my situation in the worst possible light you can frame it in. <strong>I'm not really making an argument, just sharing news that made me happy.</strong>  I get that we all have our own perspectives, but...I don't know. Everyone else, I completely understand what you're saying, it's all very reasonable and valid!  I guess a 20 yr. age gap is not as strange to me as it might be to others because I know several couples, in both of our families, who are in the same boat.  My mother actually married someone who was 15 yrs older than she was (I was 5).  (Their marriage did not work out, but its failure had nothing to do with age, as far as I know.  They divorced because he committed a felony and was sent to prison.) When I think of the age gap and the future, I look to all of the other examples I see around me, both happy and unhappy.  I don't find many relationships more functional or positive than mine. The age difference adds another layer of complexity, of course, but I prefer to consider our relationship in its entirety, rather than placing emphasis on problems that don't exist yet.  I do want to bring up the fact that, with a 50% divorce rate, there's no guarantee for ANY marriage. Regardless of age, divorce happens (not that I hope for it to happen to me, of course), no matter how hard we may try to avoid it and choose our partners well. I'm not willing to end a wonderful relationship based on the fear of possibly being unhappy with him one day, because that's a risk I would run with any relationship. Last, I realize that we may or may not work out in the end, and that he hasn't even proposed! My future, or lack thereof, with him and S are purely speculative at this point. I recognize that I've got some time and some more life to live and more evaluating/thinking to do, and I am doing my best to keep my roll firmly slowed.  :)
Posted by StarfishStamp[/QUOTE]

<div>Good for you.  The fact still stands that we don't know you, and your situation (ie - you're dating someone twenty years older than you) CREEPS US OUT.</div>

fizzylemonade

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:33c91f44-83e7-426b-9c31-e21c8f0ddf39">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]@audrewuh, I've reread your comments here, and thought about their potential legitimacy, but I don't really understand why you're being so combative?  It seems like you're reading my situation in <strong>the worst possible light</strong> you can frame it in. I'm not really making an argument, just sharing news that made me happy.  I get that we all have our own perspectives, but...I don't know. Everyone else, I completely understand what you're saying, it's all very reasonable and valid!  I guess a 20 yr. age gap is not as strange to me as it might be to others because I know several couples, in both of our families, who are in the same boat.  My mother actually married someone who was 15 yrs older than she was (I was 5).  (Their marriage did not work out, but its failure had nothing to do with age, as far as I know.  They divorced because he committed a felony and was sent to prison.) When I think of the age gap and the future, I look to all of the other examples I see around me, both happy and unhappy.  <strong>I don't find many relationships more functional or positive than mine.</strong> The age difference adds another layer of complexity, of course, but I prefer to consider our relationship in its entirety, rather than placing emphasis on problems that don't exist yet.  I do want to bring up the fact that, with a 50% divorce rate, there's no guarantee for ANY marriage. Regardless of age, divorce happens (not that I hope for it to happen to me, of course), no matter how hard we may try to avoid it and choose our partners well. <strong>I'm not willing to end a wonderful relationship based on the fear of possibly being unhappy with him one day, because that's a risk I would run with any relationship.</strong> Last, I realize that we may or may not work out in the end, and that he hasn't even proposed! My future, or lack thereof, with him and S are purely speculative at this point. I recognize that I've got some time and some more life to live and more evaluating/thinking to do, and I am doing my best to keep my roll firmly slowed.  :)
Posted by StarfishStamp[/QUOTE]

I don't think Drew is being combative or seeing this in the worst possible light. She's being frank and realistic.

Saying you don't find many other relationships 'more functional or positive' than yours is naive. You don't know what happens behind their closed doors. And you sound like you're still in the honeymoon stage. You may still have this perfect relationship in two years, five, twenty, forty. Or it may change as you change and grow throughout your twenties.

I don't believe anyone is asking you to end this wonderful relationship based on a 'what if'. They're just asking you to look at the relationship and your partner with a more critical eye. I'm the same age as you. My boyfriend and I are crazy for each other and if he proposed tomorrow I'd say yes. But you know what? It probably wouldn't be the wisest thing for me to do. We've only been together for a couple of years, we've both yet to finish school and settle into a career, we've got so much growing left to do. And that's with both of our families being behind our relationships 100%, two different family friends have said to their kids (our age) to try make their relationship more like ours, and we're in the same place in our lives.

If you and your boyfriend are perfect for each other, you will still be together in five years. Waiting to get married and have kids isn't going to hurt your relationship or your future prospects. You've got 13 years before your eggs are considered 'old'. Give yourself 3-5 to finish school, make a career, and discover yourself. It'll give you time to see financially what your like will be like with your bf.

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:28222b2d-6e00-4f24-8b68-10bcf0de1616">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: First TK post (I think?) : I don't think Drew is being combative or seeing this in the worst possible light. She's being frank and realistic. Saying you don't find many other relationships 'more functional or positive' than yours is naive. You don't know what happens behind their closed doors. And you sound like you're still in the honeymoon stage. You may still have this perfect relationship in two years, five, twenty, forty. Or it may change as you change and grow throughout your twenties. I don't believe anyone is asking you to end this wonderful relationship based on a 'what if'. They're just asking you to look at the relationship and your partner with a more critical eye. I'm the same age as you. My boyfriend and I are crazy for each other and if he proposed tomorrow I'd say yes. But you know what? It probably wouldn't be the wisest thing for me to do. We've only been together for a couple of years, we've both yet to finish school and settle into a career, we've got so much growing left to do. And that's with both of our families being behind our relationships 100%, two different family friends have said to their kids (our age) to try make their relationship more like ours, and we're in the same place in our lives. If you and your boyfriend are perfect for each other, you will still be together in five years. Waiting to get married and have kids isn't going to hurt your relationship or your future prospects. You've got 13 years before your eggs are considered 'old'. Give yourself 3-5 to finish school, make a career, and discover yourself. It'll give you time to see financially what your like will be like with your bf.
Posted by fizzylemonade[/QUOTE]
This is really smart and wise advice!  I highly recomend listening to her! 

audrewuh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:28222b2d-6e00-4f24-8b68-10bcf0de1616">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: First TK post (I think?) : I don't think Drew is being combative or seeing this in the worst possible light. She's being frank and realistic. Saying you don't find many other relationships 'more functional or positive' than yours is naive. You don't know what happens behind their closed doors. And you sound like you're still in the honeymoon stage. You may still have this perfect relationship in two years, five, twenty, forty. Or it may change as you change and grow throughout your twenties. I don't believe anyone is asking you to end this wonderful relationship based on a 'what if'. They're just asking you to look at the relationship and your partner with a more critical eye. I'm the same age as you. My boyfriend and I are crazy for each other and if he proposed tomorrow I'd say yes. But you know what? It probably wouldn't be the wisest thing for me to do. We've only been together for a couple of years, we've both yet to finish school and settle into a career, we've got so much growing left to do. And that's with both of our families being behind our relationships 100%, two different family friends have said to their kids (our age) to try make their relationship more like ours, and we're in the same place in our lives. If you and your boyfriend are perfect for each other, you will still be together in five years. Waiting to get married and have kids isn't going to hurt your relationship or your future prospects. <strong>You've got 13 years before your eggs are considered 'old'.</strong> Give yourself 3-5 to finish school, make a career, and discover yourself. It'll give you time to see financially what your like will be like with your bf.
Posted by fizzylemonade[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yea, his age is the one she's concerned about, remember? Because as a 22 yr old I should totally be worried that my potential life parter would live long enough to see our child turn 18 simply due to old age. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, you're obviously smarter, stronger, more resiliant, wiser, richer, and pious than all of us here. Please hold my drink while I bow to your greatness. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Thanks fizzy for having my back. 

</div>

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-tk-post-i-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dd39682a-2bca-49b9-9ca9-c66c598c887cPost:f129f1a0-c2b5-4838-a7a9-69f9396bccab">Re: First TK post (I think?)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: First TK post (I think?) : Yea, his age is the one she's concerned about, remember? Because as a 22 yr old I should totally be worried that my potential life parter would live long enough to see our child turn 18 simply due to old age.  OP, you're obviously smarter, stronger, more resiliant, wiser, richer, and pious than all of us here. Please hold my drink while I bow to your greatness.  ETA: Thanks fizzy for having my back. 
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

<div>You also forgot that, they're "IN LOVE *footstomp*"</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: OP - the fact that you've seen several other relationships in both of your families with this kind of age gap worries me even more.  Just because they didn't make good choices doesn't mean that you need to follow in their footsteps.  This is generally only an accepted age gap if your BF is Hugh Hefner.</div>

jorja86

OP...I think that the advice as far as taking your time here is spot on. You are 22. I find that fact more concerning than the age difference on it's own. Even though you seem to me to be very mature, and have a good plan for what you want in life, you have a lot of growing up to do. You may very well find that, unfortunately, you grow away from this man, instead of with him. I think it bears noting that you are going to face so many extra challenges being at such different stages in your lives. I think that's all the more reason not to rush things right now. 

My advice to you would be to try your best to maintain a life outside this relationship...go out with friends your own age, finish school, and do what's best for YOU. If this relationship is meant to grow with you, it will. 

I find the level of judginess being exhibited in this thread to be unnecessary, and a little bit disappointing. I'm sure we all have something in our relationship that others could judge, in fact, I can think of several people you post regularly on here who have factors in their relationships that would be deal breakers or huge red flags for me personally. But, it's not my relationship, so if my advice isn't asked, I try to keep my personal values to myself. 

I think it's going a little bit far to say that the age difference here is something every single person they meet will judge, that it will threaten his career, or that it makes him a bad father. Also, OP never said he wasn't financially stable, only that he wanted to be in a different place financially before getting engaged. It could simply mean he wants to put aside some extra money before buying a ring.

Everyone takes a different path in life. I think there are a lot of things that may not be the right choice for most, but can, under the right circumstances, work for some. 

leia1979

OP, the 50% divorce rate is an average (and perhaps an oft-quoted fallacy). Many factors affect a couple's likelyhood of divorce, and one of the more prominent factors is age. I would actually discourage any 22 year old from getting married yet, regardless of the age of their partner.

I am also concerned that your 40-something BF isn't financially stable (unless he was bankrupted in the divorce).

Please take some time to really think about this. Are you ready to be a mom to a 7-year-old at this young age? When you're 28, you'll be mom to a teenager.

jorja86

Buggle; my post was not directed towards you at all. I think you offered some good advice, and it was well put. Nor was I thinking of your relationship at all when I mentioned things I saw as a red flag. The fact that you think I was, though, speaks to what I was saying about many, if not all, of us having something about our relationships that others may judge. 

I take issue with people calling OP's relationship "gross" or "creepy". I just think that not constructive at all, and uncalled for, when she wasn't asking for opinions about it. I also have no idea where she implied she was "smarter, stronger, more resilient, wiser, richer and more pious than all of us" or where she was "foot stomping". I think she actually demonstrated some impressive maturity that we don't often see in younger posters in how she responded to some pretty harsh criticism. Obviously, anyone can offer any sort of feedback/opinion they want here, but I think the reaction this post provoked did not demonstrate the best side of the community here, and that makes me sad. 

As far as my vaugeknotting...I can own that. It's not that I'm thinking of anyone in particular at this moment, though, just that there have been times where people that I think very highly of here have had some things going on in their relationship which would definitely NOT be ok for me. But, I think it's unfair to hold everyone to my standards when it comes to what is "right" and "wrong" in a relationship. 

I also think it bears mentioning that the OP attended boarding school from the age of 11 on. Therefore, she's been living independent of her parents (physically, if not emotionally/financially) for far longer than most 22 year olds. I think it's reasonable to assume she may be on a different level maturity wise than your typical girl that age.