I'm just lost...

loves2shop4shoes

It's been a rough few weeks.  I told you all about the wedding/budget issues I'm having.  I haven't spoken to my mother in weeks.  My dog is getting old and becoming incontinent.  I got a C+ on my Property exam, which was not fun.  And now FI and I keep on fighting.

He's just in a perpetually shiitty mood.  It's because of all of the wedding stuff.  He says watching me be depressed over the last few weeks has made him depressed.  He says he hates my mother and that he wants me to tell her that if she keeps this shiit up, she shouldn't expect to see her grandchildren.  I've had to beg him not to call her up and scream at her on many occasions.  He just hates my family.  And it makes me sad...because I just can't blame him.

I just feel like it's not fair to him to make him marry into this family.  I've told him so...then he gets mad at me for even suggesting that he shouldn't marry me.  I mean, when you marry someone, you marry their family.  I think he deserves a lot better than to have to put up with my family's shiit for the rest of his life.

Am I even thinking logically anymore?  I feel like I got hit by a mack truck with everything that's happened recently and I'm losing my mind.

calindi

Law school's tough.  Planning a wedding is tough.  Dealing with family drama is tough.

Keeping a relationship healthy during all of these things is very, very tough.

Seriously, you need someone to vent to and talk things through.  Check out BU's student mental health offices - BF's been going to his law school's therapists and noticed that there's about a dozen or so of his classmates that he sees coming or going from the offices.  It's way more common to talk to a therapist than you probably realize.  It doesn't make you stronger or better for not going to talk to a therapist - it makes you smart if you realize your stresses are taking over your happiness and putting a strain on your relationship and take actions to manage that stress.

bourgehm

I think when planning a wedding, most couples fight more than usual.  During stressful times, couples fight more than usual.  Stress just causes more tension often.  I know when I've been really stressed out, or FI, we are so much more likely to get into a fight because we get annoyed with eachother.  It does take two to fight as well. If you see an argument flaring up, you can try to minimize it yourself.  Maybe go on a romantic date night. Sometimes after a big fight, just a date and time to spend with just the two of you can help.

Second, about your family and FI's response.  He really shouldn't be saying those things about them.  FI's family is not really a story-book family, and I never really clicked with them. A few times when I was really angry about how they acted when I was over at their house visiting, I said (on the way home) "I just hate them!", and that really really hurt FI, and I'm sure it is hurting you as well.  FI had a talk with me and told me how much it hurts him when I say that, and whether I like it or not, they're his family. That talk really reminded me that I NEED to just put up with them and not say I hate them or anything, and be supportive.  I think you should have this kind of conversation with your FI. It also helped me to see that it wasn't only me that was hurt by the whole situation, but it killed my FI to see his family treating me that way too. We're in that together. Maybe once he realizes that, it will help too.

heyimbren

Shoes, my family is far from perfect and BF's (while not perfect) is amazing, and so welcoming to me. Sometimes I feel like that isn't fair to him, but then he reminds me that he loves ME, with or without my family.

You two are about to become your own little family. Focus on having a healthy relationship and soon to be future marriage. That includes making sure that each of you are healthy individuals. Yes, having other family is important. But that's what I remind myself- that was my old family growing up. One day, I'm going to have a new family for when my old family isn't there for me. You can't change the past or change the situation as it is now, but you can work on the future.

You're overwhelmed, and that's not surprising with everything that's going on. But this is exactly the time when you and your FI need to work things out together. Because it's easy to love when time's are easy, but that's what getting married and taking vows are all about: the thick and the thin, better and worse, etc. etc. Maybe you two should consider postponing the wedding, or putting it on hold for now? It seems like it's causing a lot of added stress on both of you right now. I think Cate and Hope both have good suggestions as well.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-just-lost?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ddd31fb7-42c1-4402-8a97-2d6e3311d73dPost:fb642292-ea3c-4ca4-85df-9e9f6a7c47dd">Re: I'm just lost...</a>:
[QUOTE]Shoes, my family is far from perfect and BF's (while not perfect) is amazing, and so welcoming to me. Sometimes I feel like that isn't fair to him, but then he reminds me that he loves ME, with or without my family. You two are about to become your own little family. Focus on having a healthy relationship and soon to be future marriage. That includes making sure that each of you are healthy individuals. Yes, having other family is important. But that's what I remind myself- that was my old family growing up. One day, I'm going to have a new family for when my old family isn't there for me. You can't change the past or change the situation as it is now, but you can work on the future. You're overwhelmed, and that's not surprising with everything that's going on.<strong> But this is exactly the time when you and your FI need to work things out together. Because it's easy to love when time's are easy, but that's what getting married and taking vows are all about: the thick and the thin, better and worse, etc. etc. Maybe you two should consider postponing the wedding, or putting it on hold for now? It seems like it's causing a lot of added stress on both of you right now.</strong> I think Cate and Hope both have good suggestions as well.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div>Bren FTW.</div>

trebmal

All of the things you have going on right now are stressful and it seems you're in a "when it rains it pours" stage of your life.  I agree with everything pp have said and I hope you can find someone to talk to and vent to in person, but if you don't you always have the board here and I am sure we will all do whatever we can to help.  So sorry for so much trouble..

jeanacorina

I agree very much with Bren- you've got a lot going on and wedding planning is adding a TON of stress. It is a very STRESSFUL thing. You should consider postponing until things are more stable (whenever that may be- don't set another date right now!), AND seek a counselor through your school, as Cate said. Work on managing your stress, coming to terms with your family, and strengthening your relationship and finding more constructive ways to solve issues between you.

Stress is normal and part of life, but honestly you aren't able to deal with all of this at one time. It's okay to slow down and work things out instead of pushing ahead just because you've put your mind to it. It's okay to say you've got too much on your plate.

marleylikeair

Shoes--PPs have already made great points, so I just wanted to say I've been there, and things'll get better! I second the counseling suggestion. It's a lot of stress, and just having a place where you can vent and work out stuff for yourself will help, seriously. (I set up an appointment to start tomorrow myself!)

My BF has been saying the same thing about watching me get depressed about my relationship with my mom. You've got to deal with that situation, not just for yourself, but for him, too.

Good luck, my dear. Sending you good vibes!

P. S. I don't know if you're still on break or not, but don't forget to take study breaks! Even if they're only for 10 minutes, as long as you're giving your brain a break and not thinking about the study material, it'll help!

desertsun

BUCK UP!

I think you're feeling sorry for yourself right now. It's okay. We all feel that way sometimes.

But I think it's really uncharacteristic of you. So again, i think you need to get over yourself and sit down and figure it out.

For the health of your relationship, your FI may need you to have your boundary with your mom/family in a different place.

Just...sit down and first discuss what all you need to figure out. Write a list and then prioritize it. Then tackle it one item at a time. Stick to the topic at hand and try not to drag other stuff in unless you have to. (But that might be a hint that you need to move something up on the list and deal with it first in order to deal with other things effectively).

Decide how you as a couple want to deal with each thing on the list and come up with a plan.

So, maybe your list looks something like:
1. How Shoes can deal with her mom/family better for herself
2. How FI can support that
3. How FI and/or you as a couple can deal with mom/family
4. Wedding stuff

This way it's not like you're dealing with the same issue over and over just in different contexts over the next 50 years.

HTH.

MissOwl

sounds like you and your man need some 'couch time'. in my relationship, that means a full weekend of hibernating in jammies and watching movies on the couch. order in food or cook together. don't answer the phone. just be together. i don't know about you, but i always feel better when mr. owl and i reconnect. good luck shoes. hang in there lady.