Just frustrated (Rant, might DD)

wink0erin

Please don't quote, I might DD this... (I also shortened it, because it was way too long)

After a conversation with a friend I'm a little frustrated about some things that BF has said to me over the past several months. 

I know that BF isn't "ready" to take the next step, and really it doesn't bother me. I don't expect him to feel ready until he has graduated and entered the workforce. I honestly don't even mention it to him unless he brings up the topic himself.

Well, I guess its been on his mind a lot, because he has randomly spoken up about his thoughts concerning us getting engaged/married pretty frequently (at least once a month).

At the beginning of the year he was all for it and we even looked at rings. But throughout the year it's been really up and down. He goes from hating weddings to seeing things he likes and mentioning them to me. Then he goes right back to hating them and telling me he wants to marry me, but he'd rather elope. I usually just remind him that we're not engaged yet and we can decide that stuff LATER.

Then he freaks about rings. He's said they're too expensive, I've said I don't need one anyway. He says he doesn't want to be cheap, I say "alright." He brings up cheaper options he's researched on the internet. Then he tells me not to expect one any time soon because he's not ready.

It just leaves me feeling frustrated. I don't mind him not being ready, but I'd really prefer he not mention that stuff at ALL if he's not ready yet, to spare me from thinking about it. And it's really confusing for him to go from "yay I can't wait!" to "UGH HATE." Makes me go o_O

I also worry that someone else might be pressuring him, like his mom or a friend or something. Then again I could be making all this up in my head and just getting bothered because I'm stressed in general (still mad for getting the highest failing grade on my CPA exam =(

csousa1

Have you talked to him about how you feel about this? You have every right to tell him you don't feel comfortable with him bringing it up in this fashion.

I would say something like this -

"I'm glad that marrying me is something that is on your mind from time to time, and I respect the fact that you are not quite there yet. That being said, I don't want to plan too much of that phase of our lives until it is actually at hand. Is it alright with you if we don't discuss it so much until we are engaged? I trust your judgment on whatever ring/lack of ring you pick out, whenever you decide to propose. You know it is just you I want forever anyway, schnookums."

Feel free to edit in your own pet name

bethsmiles

I can see how that would be frustrating!  Have you told your BF how it makes you feel? He may not even realize what he is doing.

becunning2

I'd be much less diplomatic than CSousa. It's a trend of mine, to not always be diplomatic, especially when I'm annoyed.

But, I would definitely mention to him that it bothers you that he seems so up and down and all over about you two getting married. You can respect that he's not ready, but do explain to him that it's hard to hear him bring these things up, especially when the tone varies so dramatically.

elannis

I would agree that you should tell him how you feel. I had to tell FI that I'd rather just not talk about it at all if he wasn't ready yet because of how it was making me feel. And then I had to remind him. After that, he seemed to get it, and he kept his comments to himself, good or bad. It helped me immensely.

desertsun

This is exactly the kind of thing that should NOT get DD'ed, b/c there are plenty of people who have been in a similar situation who could benefit from a post like that.

To me, this reads as pretty classic "just not ready yet."

He thinks he might want to marry you, but he's just not ready yet. That is what all the back and forth is about.

I think you need to first really evaluate what YOU want out of your relationship. If you are not being completely open with him about what you want, but you're hinting around, it would make sense for him to be confused and feel a bit of pressure.

So, if marriage is something that is important to you, and staying with him without ever getting married would be a deal breaker, you need to figure that out for yourself, sooner rather than later.

If being married would be great, but is not a deal breaker, then you need to figure THAT out.

And then you need to communicate to him where you're at and what you want, and have an open, honest talk with him about the future, in which you make it very clear that you are not interested in pressuring him into anything, but you just want him to understand where you are coming from, and you want to understand where he is coming from.

Get it all out in the open, with the goal of getting it out in the open, NOT to get any kind of reassurance. Guys are actually a lot more sensitive than they're given credit for, and they can sense when you're trying to get a specific answer out of them for your own peace of mind, and when you're genuinely interested in hearing what they honestly think.

It's my belief that the strongest, happiest relationships are made up of strong, happy INDIVIDUALS, who know themselves, are honest with themselves, and know what they want out of life.

It is so much harder to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who has no clue who they are and what they want.

So. That's my best advice. Figure yourself out first, then talk to him. It sounds like maybe he is still figuring himself out. That's fine. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you and want ot be with you. He will only love and respect you more if you have the courage, self-respect, and strength to give him the space he needs to get things figured out for himself.

Nothing says "Marry me" better than a woman who has no doubt that given that space and time, a man can't help but WANT to marry her.

desertsun

And uh, BRAVO to anyone who waded through that super long post.

peekaboo2011

I'm pretty sure someone says this every. single. time Desert breaks out her wisdom, but I wanna do it today.

I want to be just like Desert when I grow up!

wink0erin

Desert, you are the best. Thank you for posting that

desertsun

I just want to add that it's totally legitimate for you to say to him, "Babe, we don't need to figure out a ring right this second. Let's just focus on our relationship, communicating well, having some similar goals, and being happy where we're at. I think it just stresses us both out to talk about these things when we're not both ready for that next step. When we're both ready, we can start talking about a ring budget and a timeline. Til then, no worries!"

This, in conjunction with you being clear with him about what you want, should help reduce stress and confusion for you both.

GL and please keep us updated! We're here for you!

Lil B Mama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-frustrated-rant-might-dd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:de518394-86e0-4f3b-99a2-bf1df7a2767dPost:cb383f2e-69d5-4537-8267-ed8cfc715abb">Re: Just frustrated (Rant, might DD)</a>:
[QUOTE]And uh, BRAVO to anyone who waded through that super long post.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Bravo to YOU Madam. Grade "A" advice.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, this situation does sound frustrating. Despite all his confusion, it's nice that he's keeping you in the loop. I agree that it seems like he is dealing with some outside pressure, but at least he's not getting it from you :)</div>

loves2shop4shoes

Honestly, I'd let him read your post.  You say it well.  His wishy-washy behavior and constantly bringing it up is making you nuts.

You aren't rushing, so why is he continuously bringing it up?  Ask him to please stop mentioning engagements/wedding until he IS ready.