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Commitment Ceremony

My boyfriend and I are currntly living together, renovating a buying a house (that used to be his grandmothers), and do plan on one day getting married. His grandmother is not doing well health wise and asking about when we are getting married. We are planned for maybe sometime next year, but we are afraid she won't be around for it. I thought maybe a Commitment Ceremony would be a good idea. She would get to see her oldest grandchild get "married", but we wouldn't be legally married until we do the actual wedding next year. Thoughts and/or ideas would be appreciated Smile

Re: Commitment Ceremony

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    JaniV123JaniV123 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2012
    i think that would be really sweet of both of you

    and if you both agree on it why not? 


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    I'm not a fan of things like this. It isn't really that special for her to see a staged wedding of sorts and unless you lie to her then she knows she is missing out on the actual wedding.

    IMO if it is really important for her to be there then get engaged and have the wedding sooner rather than staging something for her.


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    In Response to Re:Commitment Ceremony:[QUOTE]I'm not a fan of things like this. It isn't really that special for her to see a staged wedding of sorts and unless you lie to her then she knows she is missing out on the actual wedding.IMO if it is really important for her to be there then get engaged and have the wedding sooner rather than staging something for her. Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.

    I don't see how a commitment ceremony would really mean anything to her.
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    SKP82SKP82 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    I agree with PPs. 
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    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    Don't lie to your Grandma, it's not nice.
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
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    First off, and others please feel free to clarify, I don't get when a couple says they aren't engaged, but they are planning to get married in a year or so. I've seen people say this before - does this mean that they and their SO have discussed getting married and have agreed on a date (but don't consider themselves engaged) or is this just a ballpark guess - more along the lines of "we'd like to be married next year"? Are there factors preventing them from getting married/engaged now, but they foresee these issues being non-factors in a year? I do not mean to offend, I am just curious as to what this means because I feel I've seen "planning on getting married in x-amount of time" a lot lately.

    This leads into my next question, if you and he want to get married next year, and are willing to have a commitment ceremony, why not just get married for real? I would think that you'd want your commitment ceremony to feel like a wedding, so I see planning as a non-issue. I understand not ready to be married - but a commitment ceremony (especially one done in front of family and friends) is not much different, you're still commiting to each other. Commitment ceremonies aren't like the promise ring equivilant of weddings. (Nothing against promise rings, I just know alot of gals who had them in HS and enged up breaking up with said BF. No one really paid much attention to PRs, it was really just a 'sweet' thing for the couple.)

    Anway, as PP have stated, I think this is a bad idea for pretty much the same reasons. I would also suggest going ahead and getting married or engaged if you want grandma to be involved. Beth is a wise woman, listen to her! Also, lying to Grandma is not nice!

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    So, my FI proposed this idea when my parents got upset about my dad possibly not living until our wedding date next April. After talking it out with my dad, we realized that a commitment ceremony wasn't the way to go about it. Instead, we're going to hope for the best and involve him every step of the way. 

    My dad was a critical part of FI's proposal. I call and tell him about our plans and send him pictures. If he makes it, great. If he doesn't, he was part of the process, so he's there anyways. 

    I hope that helped some... It's hard to think that a beloved family member won't make it to your wedding date, but make sure you do what you want. 
    --------------------------------------------------------------


     
    "You're our early 20's BSC scarecrow. They cower at your maturity." - lennonkdc Anniversary
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_commitment-ceremony-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e13017d8-6614-45e8-b2fe-25edcd93eb3dPost:f12b5a6c-b05e-4a50-b090-202820b040fd">Re: Commitment Ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]First off, and others please feel free to clarify, I don't get when a couple says they aren't engaged, but they are planning to get married in a year or so. I've seen people say this before - does this mean that they and their SO have discussed getting married and have agreed on a date (but don't consider themselves engaged) or is this just a ballpark guess - more along the lines of "we'd like to be married next year"? Are there factors preventing them from getting married/engaged now, but they foresee these issues being non-factors in a year? I do not mean to offend, I am just curious as to what this means because I feel I've seen "planning on getting married in x-amount of time" a lot lately.
    Posted by LilTexasGal[/QUOTE]

    I think it depends on who is saying it. BF and I fall into the factors preventing us from getting married now but it won't be an issue in the future category and I think that is the case with a lot of couples. For example, BF and I both want to be done with our undergrad. before getting married - we aren't both done now but we will be next summer so we figure we will get married next summer but there isn't any sort of planning going on so we don't see ourselves as engaged.

    Other people are BSC and have just started planning a wedding hoping that their BF proposes in time lol.


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    There are some factors contributing to why we can't be married sooner. I separated from my husband a few years ago and neither one of us took the steps to get the official divorce. After we separated he joined the Army and is now overseas. As of now, I can't divorce him because of the Soldiers and Sailors Act, but plan on taking the steps for the proceedings when he gets state side in September.
    As for the ceremony, we weren't planning anything big, just immediate family and doing a small dinner after. I don't want her to miss out on this special time, but fear she won't be around to witness the real thing.
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    What if your grandmother doesn't die???  Are you just going to wait around until she dies?  That seems so horrible...  Bottom line, don't do it!
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    I am just curious, is your husband willing to sign paperwork and send it back to you to file with the court? We have completed divorces before with the husband being overseas. It is possible. We currently have a client overseas and he is in agreement with the divorce (before we got retained) everything is going between attorneys. You could have an attorney draft the paperwork, send it to him, he signs the Admission of Service saying he accepted it in front of a notary (which I know there are some over there) and the divorce process can be completed. He can retain an attorney in the States while he is over seas. It happens all the time.

    That way you can get two birds with one stone. Be legally divorced and actually get married with dear grandma present.  I am not sure what your laws are with regards to how long a couple has to be divorced before one gets married, WI its 6 months and the waiting period is 120 days from the start to finish before the divorce is finalized.

    Also, depending on the circumstances and how long you were married before the separation there is a possibilty for annulment.

     

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_commitment-ceremony-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e13017d8-6614-45e8-b2fe-25edcd93eb3dPost:9bb25474-4491-4c40-b7c4-5409d358a968">Re: Commitment Ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commitment Ceremony : Wise words. Also I think this will be unpopular but I will say that I don't see a problem with having a wedding and then signing the legal paper work later. I just don't think there should be two ceremonies or two celebrations.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    One of my GF's did this with her hubby.  He was in the same situation where he had a wife and they were seperated for about 2 years and neither ever took the steps to be divorced.  He met my friend and they got serious then the wife suddenly started stalling the formal paperwork he submitted.  It got to the point that their wedding day they planned came up and no legal divorce yet so they just did the whole celebration and quietly went to the courthouse a month later once he was divorced.  Only a select few of us even knew they wern't legally married that day.


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_commitment-ceremony-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e13017d8-6614-45e8-b2fe-25edcd93eb3dPost:90513416-1fd7-403e-b85f-94439718af33">Re: Commitment Ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am just curious, is your husband willing to sign paperwork and send it back to you to file with the court? We have completed divorces before with the husband being overseas. It is possible. We currently have a client overseas and he is in agreement with the divorce (before we got retained) everything is going between attorneys. You could have an attorney draft the paperwork, send it to him, he signs the Admission of Service saying he accepted it in front of a notary (which I know there are some over there) and the divorce process can be completed. He can retain an attorney in the States while he is over seas. It happens all the time. That way you can get two birds with one stone. Be legally divorced and actually get married with dear grandma present.  I am not sure what your laws are with regards to how long a couple has to be divorced before one gets married, WI its 6 months and the waiting period is 120 days from the start to finish before the divorce is finalized. Also, depending on the circumstances and how long you were married before the separation there is a possibilty for annulment.
    Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

    the problem is he is active duty military overseas.  Soldiers and Sailors Act.
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    Everyone has definitely given me alot to think about. Gram unfortunately has taken a turn for the worse, so this may not even happpen. The plan was to tell her it was the wedding. My BF sister had a small ceremony, similar to what we were planning, just immediate family and a dinner so it would not seem weird to gram anyway if thats all we did.  She just wouldn't know it wasn't legal. I realize its not good to lie, but we look at it more like fulfilling her wishes. She would be able to pass happy. 
    As far as getting my husband to sign while he is overseas, he is not that cooperative unfortunately. We do have a son together and does not agree with the guidelines the Army says he has to pay for support so I have to wait for him to come home so we can go in front of the judge to get that decided as well. We have been married 11 years and separated for 2 so anullment isn't an option either. I don't believe we have a law as far as amount of time after divorce, but my ex and I have to be "living separate" for 6 months before we could even get a divorce.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_commitment-ceremony-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e13017d8-6614-45e8-b2fe-25edcd93eb3dPost:3b444346-389d-4482-9618-4218b55f3649">Re: Commitment Ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commitment Ceremony : the problem is he is active duty military overseas.  Soldiers and Sailors Act.
    Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

    If her current husband was willing but like she said he is not, it is possible even as active duty. We have one going on right now.

     

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