Communication Fail

lunarsongbird

First- It's 4:10 AM and I can't sleep. ::sigh:: Boo. Andrew came to bed at 2:30 AM- accidentally woke me up- and I've been wide awake ever since.

So a couple days ago, Andrew and I were discussing Colorado. It came to our attention, that  our intentions for moving were completely different. Whoops. Kind of a big deal, right?

Andrew was thinking that as soon as either one of us got a decent job- we were going to be leaving his parents house. So in theory, his parents were doing us a favor for letting us stay under their roof.

I, on the other hand, was planning on staying at his parents' until his mother was done with radiation treatments and feeling better, regardless of job status. I want to be able to help her as much as possible with cooking, cleaning, and any other items that she needs assistance with. In my eyes- we were moving to do his parents a favor.

Initially, I was defensive- "Well, Andrew- if your parents think that in any way we are a burden- I would have preferred to have moved out later. I could have waited until we got jobs and wouldn't have had to move into their place at all." But that was a stupid thing to say- because I know full well that my heart was screaming for me to move to Colorado now.

I'm going to do everything I can to help Andrew's mom until she asks me not to. She has already said that she views me as a "daughter." And that's what daughters do, IMO.

Once we get settled, Andrew's mom wants to have a talk about expectations and "ground rules." I'll have to ask what their opinions are in regards to how long they see us living there. She also needs to know my reasoning for moving. I'll let you all know how it goes...

So- Have you ever had a pretty big communication fail like this one? What did you learn from it? And what is the most helpful advice that you have ever received about communication?

Ember01

I'm earning a PhD in interpersonal communication

Sometimes these communication failures happen. Having talked it out in a calm manner is the best thing you could have done. I also think it is great that you have decided to sit with his parents and set some ground rules. My advice:

1. As you think of questions between now and when you get there, right them down on a notecard. You might be nervous when you sit down to talk, and forget some of your questions. It might seem silly, but we all have a little bit of communication apprehension sometimes.

2. During the meeting, write everything down. You don't want to forget anything, or have anyone not understand what was decided. If you write it down, and everyone reads it, everyone will understand the same thing.

3. FI and I have monthly or every couple of months "state of the union" talks. We talk about what is working and what is not working. When you are living with his parents, you might want to implement these chats. It's nice to know that if I am bothered by something, I know it can be talked through when we have these chats. We have rules that are implemented during these chats.

4. When you are living with his parents, keep the communication open between you and BF. It will be harder on you than it will be on him. He is use to his parents, you are not. Everyone has little quirks and pet peeves. Make sure you and bf can talk about how you are adjusting to the move.

That is all I can think of right now. If I think of more advice, I'll let you know.

You asked if we ever had communication failures? Yeah :)Sorry, this is a long story...

 FI was dating someone when we first met. It was a sticky situation (they worked together), and he didn't want to make a bad situation at work, so he stayed with her, even after he had checked out of the relationship. He was waiting for her to check out or for something to motivate him to potentially have a bad work situation.

So, after we met, and had gone on a couple of "dates" (more like sitting at home watching movies and ordering in pizza),  he told me about the gf. We decided that we weren't going to physically see each other until he broke up with her, but we would continue to talk on the phone. We broke the rules a couple of times, but we were really actually very good.

There were a few life events that happened (2 of his grandpa's died within a month, her best friend was killed, etc. etc.). So, he didn't break up with her until a month after he told me about her. When they broke up, she was extremely upset. And with trying to keep the peace at work, he agreed to a 2 week break. He told me that they were broken up (and he mentioned the break, but I was so excited, I guess I wasn't listening).

A week later, he mentioned that he was having lunch with her, and I totally flipped out. He had no idea why I was so upset (because he did tell me he agreed to the break). So, after a lot of talking, and promising me that it was over, and he was finishing it at the lunch, we came back to being okay.

Even though I'm getting a PhD in communication, sometimes I forget to listen

My favorite saying is "You were given 2 ears and only 1 mouth so that you can listen twice as much as you should talk"

csousa1

My biggest communication fail with BF was definitely the one that happened most recently. When he finally told me that everything that has happened to him the past year has made him wary of all the timelines we had discussed and that he was no longer comfortable with them, I had a bit of a meltdown. And we got in a huge fight. And I slept on the couch and took off to my mother's first thing the follwing morning (with a just-in-case bag packed). Little did I know, my sister had informed BF that I had gone to Mom's and didn't want to be disturbed, which he respected, even though he was very hurt and upset that I had packed a bag and run off without so much as a note (fair enough). So by the time 1 pm rolled around, I was frantic that he had not come to whisk me back home and make everything better. So I called him, already freaking out and saying idiotic things like, "Well why don't I just stay here then and we break up!" To which he said "maybe we have run our course." Heart crunch.

So I, of course, take it to mean that this man that I fell madly in love with who swept me off my feet and wanted all of the same things I did, no longer wanted to propose, no longer wanted to marry me, no longer wanted to have kids, and now may not even want to be with me.

Once I actually told him that this is what I thought and he told me what he ACTUALLY meant, it was more like this...

"I love you more than anything in the world. I want to marry you and have children with you, I am just afraid of that right now. The thought of what Aaron's parents went through, having to bury their own child, scares the living daylights out of me. The fact that my mother could have been so worked up over the lack of communication and affection in her marriage that she created an affair in her head that my father was never having, scares the crap out of me. I have the same bad temper and gruff exterior as my father and I am afraid of turning out like the man I despised half of my life. I have been through so much in the past year and taken it so hard that I know I have changed, and made you unhappy, and I am afraid of the possibility of not getting better and being the man you deserve again. If I lost you, my life would never be as good as it could be with you in it, but yours might be better and that is all I care about. I don't want to break up at all, I want to work hard to be the man you deserve again."

Not quite what I had heard the first time around, now is it?

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_communication-fail?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1826ded-16b3-4d5a-9446-36e52b3e6441Post:34c49246-8763-426f-9fe4-7f7f4b04983d">Re: Communication Fail</a>:
[QUOTE]Slight threadjack: Ember, what do you do with a PhD in Interpersonal Communications? It sounds interesting, but what kind of jobs do you do with it? 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

I agree. I saw that and was like- that's AWESOME! I even looked up to see if they had a program at the University of Denver! LOL! It sounds like this would be so beneficial- if not just for your own relationships.

Ember01

Well, personally, I love to teach. So, I'll be teaching communication. I also study health communication. Health communication is really my passion. I love watching physicians interact with patients and how people discuss health related issues (be it disclosing to family memebers that a person has cancer or communication between bf and gf about their sexual history, just to name two). I presented a study at a conference this past year about how people in friends with benefits relationships and one night stands communicate about STDs. This combined interpersonal and health communication

People with degrees in communication do all sorts of things. My students want to do social work, work in hospitals, counsel, write books, all sorts of stuff. I tell my students that a minor in communication will help them so much when they are job searching.

Sorry to threadjack I just love being able to use my studies to help others

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_communication-fail?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1826ded-16b3-4d5a-9446-36e52b3e6441Post:0b6c7626-e673-41c6-b62e-f607970bd692">Re: Communication Fail</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, personally, I love to teach. So, I'll be teaching communication. I also study health communication. Health communication is really my passion. I love watching physicians interact with patients and how people discuss health related issues (be it disclosing to family memebers that a person has cancer or communication between bf and gf about their sexual history, just to name two). I presented a study at a conference this past year about how people in friends with benefits relationships and one night stands communicate about STDs. This combined interpersonal and health communication :) People with degrees in communication do all sorts of things. My students want to do social work, work in hospitals, counsel, write books, all sorts of stuff. I tell my students that a minor in communication will help them so much when they are job searching. Sorry to threadjack :) I just love being able to use my studies to help others :)
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]


I want to teach communication so badly. I graduated with a BA in Communication, and my professors my senior year told me I should go to grad school and become a professor. I would LOVE to do that. I have talked myself out of it because of the cost, the debt, and the fact that I would love the teaching aspect but not so much the research and writing aspect. But reading this makes me totally jealous :P

Ember01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_communication-fail?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1826ded-16b3-4d5a-9446-36e52b3e6441Post:7c3dd76a-8f71-4c33-ad51-169417bb94d2">Re: Communication Fail</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Communication Fail : I want to teach communication so badly. I graduated with a BA in Communication, and my professors my senior year told me I should go to grad school and become a professor. I would LOVE to do that. I have talked myself out of it because of the cost, the debt, and the fact that I would love the teaching aspect but not so much the research and writing aspect. But reading this makes me totally jealous :P
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

Csousa... Most universities will give you a full-time assistantship. Personally, at my school, they pay for our classes and give us about a $12,000 stipend (plus about $2k if you teach over the summer). Most of my cohort have not taken out additional loans (I have because I bought a house before I started the PhD, so I have more expenses then most of the other students). I'm not huge into research either, that is why I want to teach for a private college or a community college after I'm all done. I want to be at a school that puts an emphasis on teaching, not research.

When I finish, I'll be at about $60k in school loans (just from the PhD, I had no loans from masters or bachelors). But, FI is a financial advisor, and he says school debt is good debt. And, we have a plan to pay things off over the first 1-2 years of marriage.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_communication-fail?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1826ded-16b3-4d5a-9446-36e52b3e6441Post:7c3dd76a-8f71-4c33-ad51-169417bb94d2">Re: Communication Fail</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Communication Fail : I want to teach communication so badly. I graduated with a BA in Communication, and my professors my senior year told me I should go to grad school and become a professor. I would LOVE to do that. I have talked myself out of it because of the cost, the debt, and the fact that I would love the teaching aspect but not so much the research and writing aspect. But reading this makes me totally jealous :P
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

This is what I'm doing after I graduate in the fall, except that I love writing and doing research.  If it's something you really want to do you should make it happen.

ETA: I forgot to answer OP's question. BF and I haven't had any huge communication fails but it took me awhile to get used to the way he argues. He takes a long time to think about what he is going to say before he says it (which is a good thing since it prevents him from saying things he doesn't mean - he is so much more level headed than I am) but since he was always so quiet during arguments and wouldn't respond quickly after I said something to him I assumed he wasn't listening or didn't care. Now I've just learned to be patient and let him think as long as he needs to.

lunarsongbird

Yes, yes...bring on more communication fail. I like hearing I'm not the only one...LOL.