Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)

bajediva

Was doing a little random browsing on the other boards and came across this:
http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorbachelorette-weekend-vegas-big-mistake

Cliff Notes: joint bachelor/bachelorette @ strip club in vegas, FI gets private lap dance, bride-to-be finds out and freaks.

General consensus seems to be that she should call the whole thing off. I think it was a dumb idea to choose to go to a strip club if you're uncomfortable with what happens there, and then be oh so shocked if FI partakes in what happens there. Like her title says: 'mistake'. But does it mean she needs to *completely* lose it and not marry him? Am I being naive for thinking that this is potentially fixable as long as they can both deal with the situation maturely? Perhaps it's asking too much since they managed to get into this mess in the first place?

Button5807

I read the OP but none of the comments and I think that maybe they should think about calling it off. If she's got that big of a trust issue with him it's a problem.

If it were me in that situation I know that my guy wouldn't want to let his friends down by refusing their gift and I also know that he would not let anything happen in that room that was inappropriate.  If she can't trust him to spend 20 minutes alone with a stripper and behave himself then she has a lot of thinking to do.

notquiteblushing

I just read the OP too and think she is overreacting.  Dude they were at a strip club, what does she think happens there?  And oh they got bored after ten minutes?  Yeah right, I bet she was spying on him.

paintgirl

The stripper thing isn't the issue. In the course of their marriage, SOME woman at SOME point will hit on her husband. If she can't trust him, that's the issue - not a stripper in Vegas.

But DUH - what a moron. What did she think would happen? And what kind of spineless guy would either a) blame it on his buddies because he can't take the heat or b) not be able to tell his buddies no? I'd dump him on principle for being a *ussy. (By that I meant wussy, of course)

loopy82

Maybe she should have undone his pants to see if there was any booty dust in there..... (ok sorry j/k)

I guess they shouldn't have gone to the strip club.

My FI has gone to my friends bachelor parties that involved strippers. That was at a house. I trust that nothing happened. (I haven't developed anything to make me believe otherwise.....)

loopy82

I just want to add - that it sounds like they went to the strip club at the beginning of the night and she said that at the end of the night (end of the night not when they left the club) he tasted like a stripper. I think that was in her head. I don't think you would still taste like anyone hours after the fact especially taking into consideration the vast amounts of alcohol I would assume that had been consumed.

katanne9

IDK. If she was willing to go to the strip club together she probably should have expected something she wasn't going to love to happen.

I personally don't understand the whole "last night to be wild" thing. I think Fi and I are in the minority, but we have zero desire to do such a thing and would feel incredibly disrespected if the other person acted in such a way. We'd never behave such a way with someone we knew, why would a stranger make it a different scenario?

Honestly, if it was me - I'd seriously reconsider marrying him. She obviously has serious trust issues, and he has respect issues if he would put himself in a situation he knew she wouldn't appreciate. If you don't want to get caught, you probably shouldn't put yourself in the situation.

bajediva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-being-naive-pre-wedding-parties-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1aa5b7c-1f96-4318-9ef7-dad5bdef59a2Post:a911f6ac-6a8f-471a-8973-8d53fefbc968">Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)</a>:
[QUOTE]The stripper thing isn't the issue. In the course of their marriage, SOME woman at SOME point will hit on her husband. If she can't trust him, that's the issue - not a stripper in Vegas. But DUH - what a moron. What did she think would happen? And what kind of spineless guy would either a) blame it on his buddies because he can't take the heat or b) not be able to tell his buddies no? I'd dump him on principle for being a *ussy. (By that I meant wussy, of course)
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

you know, i completely agree. this situation may be a catalyst, but it's not *the* problem in itself...and ROFL @ dumping him for beeing a 'wussy'

@loopy: LOL @ booty dust!!

notquiteblushing

People would break up over this?  Maybe I am far more liberal than I realized.

Does this mean you guys think strip clubs are evil and would never step foot in one?

loopy82

I have been twice. Once with an ex of mine and once with 3 of my guy friends. My ex got a dance in front of me and none of the guys did.

I honestly was disappointed when I went. All the ad's I had seen in the City Pages I expected the girls to be hot.

I'm not a fan of strip clubs and if FI went to one for a bachelor party so be it. If he went weekly he wouldn't be the one for me.

I have been to a party with a male stripper. IT was not very pleasant. He was old with a floppy banana hammock. Enough said.

Button5807

NQB - I would end a relationship if it had that little trust in it.

BF and I go to strip clubs from time to time w/each other and not. It's no big deal with us.

katanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-being-naive-pre-wedding-parties-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1aa5b7c-1f96-4318-9ef7-dad5bdef59a2Post:f17bd281-ea3a-4b7d-8138-df75b114f5aa">Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)</a>:
[QUOTE]People would break up over this?  Maybe I am far more liberal than I realized. Does this mean you guys think strip clubs are evil and would never step foot in one?
Posted by notquiteblushing[/QUOTE]


Hahaha. In a word: maybe.

Neither of us have ever been to a strip club nor do we ever plan to. It's not our thing. That being said, a lot of it has to do with the fact that we're religious and have a unique view of sex than most people. But, since our views on sex is something we've always talked and agreed about throughout our whole relationship, FI going to a strip club would be a drastic change from that, so yes, I would be considered and strongly think about what that meant.

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-being-naive-pre-wedding-parties-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1aa5b7c-1f96-4318-9ef7-dad5bdef59a2Post:904a2bb2-6ca0-47ba-9ace-7bda9527e2cd">Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)</a>:
[QUOTE]She obviously has serious trust issues, and he has respect issues if he would put himself in a situation he knew she wouldn't appreciate. If you don't want to get caught, you probably shouldn't put yourself in the situation.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

That's it exactly! If you don't want to get caught, don't do it. There's something wrong with it.

I will likely have martinis in a hotel room with my best (ok only) girlfriend the night before we get married (she'll be in a hotel room since she lives out of town and I don't want to see bf day of - we aren't getting a room just to drink - high school was over a decade ago). My bf will probably fall asleep on the sofa watching NetFlix. Oh yeah. We're fun.

notquiteblushing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-being-naive-pre-wedding-parties-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1aa5b7c-1f96-4318-9ef7-dad5bdef59a2Post:4c686b90-1dd6-48d8-8f73-8cd2b6f0efee">Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board) : Hahaha. In a word: maybe. Neither of us have ever been to a strip club nor do we ever plan to. It's not our thing. That being said, a lot of it has to do with the fact that we're religious and have a unique view of sex than most people. But, since our views on sex is something we've always talked and agreed about throughout our whole relationship, FI going to a strip club would be a drastic change from that, so yes, I would be considered and strongly think about what that meant.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

Well that's a different story.  Obviously someone acting way out of character is trouble for a relationship.  But this chick planned and attended a party at a strip club and then gets mad at her FI for doing what people do at strip clubs?  Does not compute.

Did they set boundaries beforehand like no private room?  It doesn't sound like that.  Anyway IMO if she was going to freak out like that then they shouldn't have gone in the first place.

paintgirl

NQB - the strip club isn't bad. I've been to almost every type you can imagine - the ones for gay men being the best (the dancers are usually straight and the music is better than a club for straight chicks). I don't particularly enjoy them anymore. I'm old. The music hurts my ears. The lights give me a headache. And all the gyrating... not sexy.

It wasn't the strip club that was bad - it was the fact he did something he felt he had to hide, and she went ape sh*t over it. He wasn't considerate of her feelings and she doesn't trust him.

bajediva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-being-naive-pre-wedding-parties-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1aa5b7c-1f96-4318-9ef7-dad5bdef59a2Post:f17bd281-ea3a-4b7d-8138-df75b114f5aa">Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)</a>:
[QUOTE]People would break up over this?  Maybe I am far more liberal than I realized. Does this mean you guys think strip clubs are evil and would never step foot in one?
Posted by notquiteblushing[/QUOTE]
of COURSE they're evil!! don't you see what they made this girl's FI do??? as super-intelligent as she is, they worked their voodoo on him and suddenly caused him to commit the ultimate of all betrayals!!!

...personally, i'm not too much a fan of strippers, in club or otherwise. i've been with my girlfriends but was not as impressed as they were, and i've turned down every invitation since. BF is not into it either, nor do we buy into this idea of one last wild night. fun night? yes. wild wanton night where all bets are off? no. but if he & his buds actually opted for strip club night, bachelor party or otherwise, i'd send him along with no worries, grab my girls and shake my booty in the club!

katanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-being-naive-pre-wedding-parties-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1aa5b7c-1f96-4318-9ef7-dad5bdef59a2Post:5bb5c7df-eb40-4d0d-a503-51495e12c915">Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board) : Well that's a different story.  Obviously someone acting way out of character is trouble for a relationship.  But this chick planned and attended a party at a strip club and then gets mad at her FI for doing what people do at strip clubs?  Does not compute. Did they set boundaries beforehand like no private room?  It doesn't sound like that.  Anyway IMO if she was going to freak out like that then they shouldn't have gone in the first place.
Posted by notquiteblushing[/QUOTE]

I totally agree. If she was willing to go to the strip club, clearly that's something that is normal in their relationship. She shouldn't be freaking out if it's something that historically been acceptable.

KD+BC

What did she think was going to happen at a strip club? She has some major trust issues, I agree.

Katanne, I also don't understand the whole "last night to be single" thing. It's not like FI and I go out to strip clubs now or do crazy things because we're single. Personally, I do want a bachelorette party, I want a fun girls day out. Something that I will probably still do once I'm married but it's an excuse for a party! I don't want FI to have strippers because I don't understand the appeal but if there happen to be some there I won't freak out. I know FI well enough to know that he would much rather have me in bed than some stripper .

zaneopal

I wouldn't care so much about the stripper deal. I can handle that.

On the other hand, as PPs have said, the trust issue is a big problem as far as I'm concerned. And that is worth at least postponing the wedding, if not calling it off entirely, as far as I'm concerned. You're going to spend the rest of your life with this man, you need to trust him.

notquiteblushing

She just sounds like a drama queen...and maybe a trashy one at that.  I looked up her previous posts but they were mostly spamming her makeup vendor.  Curious.

loopy82

For my bachelorette party I have already been pretty clear that I don't want the typicaly bach party. I refuse to wear anything shaped like male genetalia. I refuse to sell anything. I refuse to have checklists of things I need to accomplish that night. I really do not plan on getting super trashy drunk. I want a tasteful evening out with a bunch of my girlfriends. I also feel old and fairly lame. The typical bachelorette party is so not me.

jeanacorina

For my bachelorette party, my cousin, sister, and a couple of my friends and I are going to wear crazy wigs, drink margaritas, and play games.

Oh, and we're having a penis cake.

I would not care if FI went to a strip club. It's not in his character, but I wouldn't care. I've been to one. No big deal. He'd be so uncomfortable, it would be funny. :P

However, being okay with him going means I wouldn't freak if he had a lap dance. I really wouldn't care to know WHAT happened at his party.

Of course, my FI is like the tamest, most shy person I know.

He'd blush at a boob cake.

paintgirl

*I* want a penis cake! Like, now! Not so much for the penis part, but because I love me some cake.

MidniteRae

While I don't understand the whole "last night being single" thing and I don't think strippers are "appropriate" for lack of a better word for both bachelor/bachelorette parties, BF knows this and while he appreciates good looking people, I know that he will feel awkward at a strip club. But knowing some of his friends, there is probably a good possibility they will have strippers, but I wouldn't be surprised if they went to go play laser tag for his bach instead. I would prefer he didn't have strippers, but it's his party and it's whatever the guys plan for him. He knows how I feel, but I'm sure we will discuss it again when the time comes.

**Mutley**

I am not liberal when it comes to strip clubs. 

I do trust my DH completely.  I know that if he went to a strip club, and even into a private room, he would not 'cheat' on me.  However, I think that strip clubs/strippers are disrespectful to our relationship.  That is my personal opinion and he respects it.  He does not agree with it, but he knows what it means to me.  Thus, he will not go to strip clubs or be around strippers in a home/hotel, etc.    

Each person in the relationship needs to know the boundaries in order to respect them.  It seems like he KNEW the boundaries and did not respect them.  He knew she would not be okay with it, but he did it to please his buddies.  If my DH was more concerned with pleasing his buddies (no matter the issue,) then we would not have gotten married.  He is in a relationship with me, so WE get to make the boundaries.  If his buddies are the one's making the boundaries, then he can be in a relationship with them.  If this had happened in my situation, I would have walked.  I love my DH to pieces but if 2 weeks before our wedding, he chose to disrespect the boundaries of our relationship then I would wonder what ground our relationship really stood on.  

jeanacorina

I agree with Multey, because she answered the actual question and I didn't.

I'm such a loser.

bajediva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-being-naive-pre-wedding-parties-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1aa5b7c-1f96-4318-9ef7-dad5bdef59a2Post:d2ff1129-a57e-4635-aff0-4abb81b417a3">Re: Am I being naive...? (S/O from pre-wedding parties board)</a>:
[QUOTE]If his buddies are the one's making the boundaries, then he can be in a relationship with them.  If this had happened in my situation, I would have walked.  I love my DH to pieces but if 2 weeks before our wedding, he chose to disrespect the boundaries of our relationship then I would wonder what ground our relationship really stood on.  
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]
i agree with this stance. knowing how she felt about these things, i dont think they should've been at a strip club in the first place. i'm not sure that the boundaries were this explicit in the original situation, and i do think that lack of a clear understanding of each other's boundaries is a fair indication that they're not quite ready to be married yet.

yellowroseFRA

I find strip clubs to be pretty gross, and so does BF, so I can't even imagine a theoretical situation where I could get mad at him for something he did in one. But if I INVITED my FI and friends to a co-ed strip club, I would assume some sort of lap dancing would go on. What I don't get is that if the dude thought that the private room thing would piss off his FI, that must not have worried him too much - with her in the same club, there was a huge chance she'd find out. So he either thought she'd be ok with it, or he is just a huge a**hole.

zaneopal

This is sort of random but one of my neighbors is a stripper (she went to high school with my ex, and wanted him to come to her first few days at work for moral support), and I can see her leaving for work at the moment.

It looks she took a bath in body glitter.

Also I was dating said ex when she started working there. I said I didn't care if he went, but I did find it odd that a stripper wanted "moral support".

hetshup

I am somehow going to work bootydust into my everyday speech, I was also hoping to get a BSC person so I could call them moist behind the ears.

topic- I agree with mutley, if it's something she has a problem with, then he should respect that. And his friends should respect him and his relationship enough to not make him get a lap dance. Just like she shouldn't run out and buy a louie purse if it bothers him. I personally could care less, I do have rules that if you are touched/touch the stripper you bathe before you touch me or the sheets. Strippers smell gross in my opinion.

SigKapLily

I agree with most people. If she was upset/didn't like the idea, he shouldn't have done it. It seems like there is more going on here, most likely with trust, and we all know that trust is sooo important in a relationship. Personally, I wouldn't care if my bf went, but he's not a big fan of them, mainly because his sister used to work in one as a waitress and she was friends with the strippers and they would come over and hang out, so by knowing strippers, he doesn't feel right going to one now.