Am I doing this correctly?

Handler

Hi everyone, my name is Katie. I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 21. We've been together for about 3 and 1/2 years. We're both fairly open with the fact that we plan on getting married, but we aren't getting engaged until he's done college, we're living together, and we can actually start planning the wedding. On a guess we'll be getting married in 2012 or 2013.

We met through mutual friends when I was 16 and he was 17, and started dating 2 weeks later. 7 months in he left for college, and a year later I left for a different but relatively close college. He's now a Senior and majoring in Sociology with minors in Statistics and Professional Writing. I'm a Junior double majoring in Physics and Astronomy.

Weird little thing about us, we have the same birthday (but born a year apart), April 27th. Because of that, I really like the idea of getting married on our half birthday, Oct 27th. It helps that we both love Fall and the date falls on a Saturday in 2012 and a Sunday in 2013.

slowdancin2rock

Welcome! A lot of people on the board might tell you that you're too young to consider marriage or that you should date other people first before deciding. I, however, HATE that mantra and am a firm believer in "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." If you're completely happy in your relationship and have no desire to "see what else is out there," then that's great. (I've been with my BF almost four years. I'm 20, he's turning 21 in the fall).

One thing though - some might take umbrage with the fact that you're looking at a date without actually having a ring or being engaged. Just be careful how you say things...

Other than that, I look forward to seeing your posts. We young gals have to stick together

Handler

Oh I know, the date is just because it's our half birthday. It's an idea and if it works out then super. If not, then it really doesn't matter at all. I sorta love the fact that our birthdays are the same day, and I think a friend pointed out the half birthday idea, and i thought it was cute. That's about the extent of the thought I've put in to it.

chipypony

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doing-this-correctly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e343c46e-b0b8-416c-8787-440e20293de8Post:aff68984-1d6a-49ba-b9a3-41121ad38bf9">Re: Am I doing this correctly?</a>:
[QUOTE]Welcome! <strong>A lot of people on the board might tell you that you're too young to consider marriage or that you should date other people first before deciding.</strong> I, however, HATE that mantra and am a firm believer in "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." If you're completely happy in your relationship and have no desire to "see what else is out there," then that's great. (I've been with my BF almost four years. I'm 20, he's turning 21 in the fall). One thing though - some might take umbrage with the fact that you're looking at a date without actually having a ring or being engaged. Just be careful how you say things... Other than that, I look forward to seeing your posts. We young gals have to stick together ;)
Posted by slowdancin2rock[/QUOTE]

I don't really think that's the sentiment on this board. Age is not necessarily as important as maturity level. I have met plenty of people in their mid to late 20's that I don't think should get married yet based on maturity. I have known several people who have gotten married in their early 20's and doing just fine.

Here we might tell you to experience life first, I.e. go through college and see how it is to be on your own, not date other people. Personally I am only 22 but I do not need to date other people to know what I have and even though we have been together for 4.5 years now I don't see us getting married until 2012, when we (OK he since I am a grad student for what feels like life at this point) have a good stable job and we feel we are ready.

I won't give you crap if you aren't crazy but I certainly will not hold back my opinion if you deserve a reality check. Marriages are more than just an overly expensive party with ok food.

Handler

There is no way we'd get married before finishing our Bachelors. It just makes absolutely no financial sense whatsoever for us. Plus we really want to live together, be financially stable, and started on our careers before making anything legal. I don't see any reason why that won't happen around 22/23/24, but if for some reason it doesn't I wouldn't dream of forcing anything prematurely.

slowdancin2rock

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doing-this-correctly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e343c46e-b0b8-416c-8787-440e20293de8Post:a993c527-fd6b-4f4f-b2b6-7341e92a2163">Re: Am I doing this correctly?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>There is no way we'd get married before finishing our Bachelors.</strong> It just makes absolutely no financial sense whatsoever for us. Plus we really want to live together, be financially stable, and started on our careers before making anything legal. I don't see any reason why that won't happen around 22/23/24, but if for some reason it doesn't I wouldn't dream of forcing anything prematurely.
Posted by Handler[/QUOTE]

Same for us. We actually plan on living at home for a year or two after college just to save money, so that when we are ready to get married, we can buy a condo or put a downpayment on a house. It takes a lot of willpower to not just want to rush in and do everything, but you know the saying...fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

bajediva

Hi Katie. Have to admit - once i hit "half birthday", everything else before it kind of evaporated in my mind.

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doing-this-correctly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e343c46e-b0b8-416c-8787-440e20293de8Post:a824f2a8-6b00-432a-becd-77b2451ab35b">Re: Am I doing this correctly?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Katie. Have to admit - once i hit "half birthday", everything else before it kind of evaporated in my mind.
Posted by bajediva[/QUOTE]

Yes.  Exactly.

slowdancin2rock

I don't see anything wrong with the concept of a "half" birthday....we celebrate them in my family all the time!

loopy82

The half birthday thing... it all depends on the circumstances. I have two guy friends (whom are 28) that celebrate their birthdays/half birthdays together. One's birthday is June 5 and the other is December 5. So on one of their birthdays its the others half birthday. I find it funny. They, of course aren't planning a wedding on it though. My story is just what I think of when I hear "half birthday." My friends are weird anyhow.

Welcome OP. You appear relatively sane. But please don't rush into marriage. It doesn't sound like you are, waiting is good when you're 20.

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doing-this-correctly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e343c46e-b0b8-416c-8787-440e20293de8Post:f17883c2-75af-437d-a8b5-015b72615851">Re: Am I doing this correctly?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see anything wrong with the concept of a "half" birthday....we celebrate them in my family all the time!
Posted by slowdancin2rock[/QUOTE]

That's great.  I'm just not into it.

I don't care what other people do if doesn't affect me at all.  But I'd be lying if I said I understood why someone would want to spend their time on a wedding website if they don't plan to marry for over three years. 

Narwhal

I used to celebrate my half birthday because mine is in the middle of the summer and i never got homework passes.

slowdancin2rock

That's genius, Narwhal. About the half-birthday thing...I was just saying that the idea of a half-birthday is pretty common. I wouldn't go out of my way to plan a wedding on mine (in the middle of November -- too cold!) or my BF's (end of April, eh). I'm just saying that some people DO celebrate it.

teeniballerini

Narwhal, I feel your pain! My birthday is during the Christmas break so I never got passes either.  I also desperately wanted to have a pool party.

loopy82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doing-this-correctly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e343c46e-b0b8-416c-8787-440e20293de8Post:404103f8-a9e8-465c-a818-ce3b62205a1d">Re: Am I doing this correctly?</a>:
[QUOTE]I used to celebrate my half birthday because mine is in the middle of the summer and i never got homework passes.
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

By this do you mean kids got out of doing a homework assignment on their birthday?

I never went to a school that did this.

chipypony

Hmm I have never heard of this half birthday thing. My birthday is in Feb and I honestly can't remember a time when we actually had school that day. There always seemed to be a snowstorm, and my school system never gave homework passes, man I missed out!

Anyway, OP Im glad you are waiting because a lot can change during the next few years. I am not saying you will break up but things most deffinetly will change. If you had asked me when I was 20 years old where I'd be I would not have guessed I would be 3,000 miles from home as a graduate student. That has put a little kink in our future plans but LD is working fine for us.

Good luck, just don't drive yourself crazy in the mean time

bethsmiles

Hi! I'm young too! Me and my BF are 20. But he is going to get his masters so we probably won't get married until after he is done with that so it won't be till 2014 or 1015 but I have a lot of friends getting married right now so I kind of got sucked into the knot lol. I don't think the girls here care if you are young as long as you aren't BSC.

This board is tons of fun so you should stick around! Its also made waiting to get married a lot easier for me because I'm always so tempted to just jump the gun because all my friends are getting married around me but I know the girls on here would back me away from the BSC ledge for sure.

KD+BC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doing-this-correctly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e343c46e-b0b8-416c-8787-440e20293de8Post:aff68984-1d6a-49ba-b9a3-41121ad38bf9">Re: Am I doing this correctly?</a>:
[QUOTE]Welcome! A lot of people on the board might tell you that you're too young to consider marriage or that you should date other people first before deciding.
Posted by slowdancin2rock[/QUOTE]

When do we say that? We usually say, enjoy your relationship. Learn and grow together for a while. I would never tell someone to date around then go back to the person they think they will marry.

OP I will tell you my opinion now. Enjoy your relationship. Learn and grow together. Enjoy being young and enjoy each other. Welcome.

(I am ignoring the half birthday thing because she seemed pretty sane other than that. I'm going to assume it's a silly "wouldn't it be cool if" kind of thing.)

slowdancin2rock

KD - a few people have said to that to me before, on this board and IRL. I didn't mean to say that everyone here will do that, but I was just wanted to give the OP my opinion on it.

Button5807

I think it's funny how no one in their early 20's seems to think they're too young to get married.

Narwhal

I'm in my early 20s and I think I'm too young to get married...

Also, yes loopy. At my elementary school, our birthday presents from our teachers was a homework pass.  I never got one and one day I complained about it and my teacher said "Your birthday present is that you don't even have to go to school on your birthday."  It did not satisfy me.

PaigeMcC

I think age has something to do with it..if you're 18 years old you shouldn't get married.  Period.  You haven't experienced life yet.  But that being said OP is 20, and the advice I would give her is:

Enjoy your relationship with your BF.  Take time to get to know each other and to get to know yourself.  Become (unless you already are) independent and experience your life.  There's plenty of time to get engaged and married and it it's meant to happen it will.  Welcome to the  board!

slowdancin2rock

I think I'm definitely too young to get married. I don't want to get married until I'm at least done with college, with 24 being the ideal age. But you know, "you plan and God laughs."

meamolly

When I was in my early twenties I did not think I was too young to get married. Now that I am in my late twenties I am hella glad I did not get married!

I started dating a guy that I met six months after I graduated high school (he was 17 and I was 19, he was a senior in high-school at the time). I was living alone for three years of our five year relationship and with him the last year. We talked about marriage all the time and I had always had my mind set on being married before I was twenty five. Gave both of us time to get done with school and get settled into a job. Well my twenty filth birthday came and no ring, and not even any talk about getting married anytime soon. We sat down and had a talk and I found out he did not even plan on getting married till he was thirty!

Now I am not saying the relationship was perfect there at the end and I know that I was hanging on partly do to the fact that we had been together for so long and he was the first guy I had dated for more than a year. I told him that day if I was getting married in my thirties, it would be because I was dating someone else. We ended things that day.

I look back at that time now and with fresh eyes I realised I was making a lot of compromises for him. I had never dated as an adult or really anyone but him. I look back at my group of friends from that time and see one who is in a loveless marriage with a kid, another who has jumped from one guy to the next and has been married twice and the other who is divorced and depressed. all of them got married to their high school sweethearts shortly after high school. All unhappy with life.

Then i look at my group of friends who dated for several years after high school.  two got married a few year ago, have homes and babies on the way. two others are just getting done with school and starting jobs. All are happy.

Now that could just be my friends and me. I know my older sister got married at the ripe old age of 22 and had some very rough years in the beginning. Yes it did work out, but i am only an outsider. My younger sister got married last year at the age of 22, and my youngest sister has plans to be married  at the age of 23. the youngest sister I am not so worried about because she has traveled, is an independent woman to the max and has a great career ahead of her. She is old for her age and I count her as being 27 in my mind.

Take what I say with a grain of salt, I am only an observer. But as the pp say, do not rush things.  Enjoy the relationship and plan for a marriage when the right time comes. A wedding is just a party to help celebrate the start of a marriage.

slowdancin2rock

I think if you get married right out of high school, you're just asking for trouble. Also, if you're up each other's butt all the time and never experience life (not necessarily meaning dating other people), then that's not good. I know a lot of people say "but we're different!" (and I'm not gunning for a beebee tiara).

BF and I go to different schools in different parts of the metro area (me, Manhattan; him, Long Island). We have mutual friends, yes, but also different sets of friends. He plays in a band and goes all over the city playing with them, rehearsing, recording their EP. Sometimes I only see him once a week, which is a shame considering we live only two subway stops from one another. I'm very involved in the arts, and when I was working, would be at events sometimes three times a week. I went to DC with some friends for the National Equality March in October (sans BF). But we also travel together as well.

There's nothing wrong with sticking with one person, but you do also need to maintain your own life/iidentity.

catemeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doing-this-correctly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e343c46e-b0b8-416c-8787-440e20293de8Post:37dc9221-2795-4050-b782-6c6e042bca93">Re: Am I doing this correctly?</a>:
[QUOTE]When I was in my early twenties I did not think I was too young to get married. Now that I am in my late twenties I am hella glad I did not get married! ..... We talked about marriage all the time and I had always had my mind set on being married before I was twenty five. Gave both of us time to get done with school and get settled into a job. .... Now I am not saying the relationship was perfect there at the end and I know that I was hanging on partly do to the fact that we had been together for so long and he was the first guy I had dated for more than a year. I.....We ended things that day. <strong>I look back at that time now and with fresh eyes I realised I was making a lot of compromises for him. I had never dated as an adult or really anyone but him.</strong>
Posted by meamolly[/QUOTE]


THIS!!! Exactly this!

Slowdancin - We do not suggest you break up, we do not suggest you "date around" - what we're saying is most of us who are older than.... well, old enough to drink in the US, for starters!  Those of us who are a bit older, we don't have necessarily the same group of friends we hung around with in high school or even college.  People grow, people change.  We hope your wonderful relationship stays as great, and that you grow together, but many of us have been disillusioned with similar situations.  I was 18, in love, had dated for a year, and we had said we wanted to get married after college.  I had my dreams and my hopes, but you know what?  It didn't work out.  And I'm really, really glad.  We were NOT suited for one another, in retrospect, and I had made a lot of compromises in the name of love.  What meamolly says is exactly right, and a story many of us know so well.  This is where you roll your eyes and say it's not your situation, and we really truly hope it's not.  What we want is for you to gain some of the knowledge and experience we have gained, and hopefully not through trial-and-error and heartbreak.  We'd love for you and your boyfriend to stay together, be wonderfully happy, and get married mid-20's and live happily ever after.  Really.  We would!

But slowdancin, you're very defensive - this post had NOTHING to do with criticizing people for being young, and you brought it up.  And then you made it about you.  And then you started defending yourself.

Seriously, there are people on here who are 20-22 years old who I feel have a good head on their shoulders, who I get the feeling are mature enough to consider marriage, and are taking the right steps in creating a healthy environment for a marriage to work.  You are not one of those people, and you have done nothin to give me the impression you are ready for marriage.  Honestly, it's annoying to be trying to talk to other people in my situation and having this sort of self-defensive young junk

And that is my rant for the day.  I'm sure you will hate me, but it's not anything others haven't thought.

catemeg

Oh, and Handler, HI!!!!

I'm not a crazy off-the-handle person, but slowdancin sort of stole your post and made it about her, and I sort of had enough.

As you can see if you read my post, age doesn't define how we view people.  We do suggest people wait until they're a little older, but it sounds like you already feel that way anyway.  Just don't go buying a dress or inviting friends to be bridesmaids before you get engaged and we'll all be okay!

slowdancin2rock

I didn't mean to threadjack, and I apologize for that.

PandaBurr

Man, this thread makes me feel like I'm a kid. Although, I doubt anyone on the board knows my real age.

slowdancin2rock

Hey Handler, I'm really happy for you...but I have the best relationship of all time. OF ALL TIME.

A joke, obviously, before people start flaming me. I couldn't resist.

Seriously, sorry for threadjacking. And welcome, again!

katanne9

Why would you plan now if you aren't getting married for 2-3 years?