Share your wisdom. WWYD?

Button5807

First of all, Happy Monday, I hope you're working a shortened week.

I need some direction on an issue I'm having and you're my favorite people to get advice from so away we go.

My brother is going on his 5th year of being a Marine. Every year he's been in he's been stationed on the other side of the country and working on Christmas so he's missed it. This year he's only a 5 hour drive from home and because Christmas is a long weekend he wouldn't even have to take leave to come see us.

I was really upset when I found out that my father wouldn't be around on Christmas day but I countered it by telling myself that my brother would. Turns out though that, that will not be the case because he "doesn't feel like making the drive." So I offered to buy him a train ticket and he declined. He'd rather stay in DC, where he has no family and hardly any friends than visit his own family for Christmas for the 1st time in 4 years.

I'm devestated. I'm also so angry at how selfish he's being. There's a really good chance this will be our only grandmother's last Christmas (if she even makes it) and he's going to miss it. My mother is going to spend the entire day worrying about her "baby" being all alone for the holiday, so she'll be sad, mopey and preoccupied the entire time.

Part of me wants to seriously kidnap him, part of me wants to rip him a new one and the rest of me wants to curl up in the corner and cry. The holidays have always been kind of a sore spot in our family but we try our best to make the best of things. I just wish that he wasn't the sore spot this year.

Should I just suck it up and deal?
Should I push the issue further with him?

**Mutley**

How is he doing in general?  Does anyone from the family go to see him? 
I would try to go visit him before Christmas.  If that isn't possible, I would write him an email saying exactly why I hope he will reconsider coming home.  I wouldn't push the issue or rip him a new one.  I would speak from my heart.  I would let him know how much he means to me and that I miss him. 

I am 'assuming' that he has been deployed at some point in his 5 years.  Marines definitley do not get out of deployments in these times.  Does he have any signs of PTSD?  Is it possible that he is wary of coming home and having to deal with how much he has changed? 


Sorry you are having to deal with this, Button.

Button5807

He's only been in DC for about 3 months now, he's been up here a few times, my dad's gone down to visit him a bunch of times. We have family in VA and PA that he's gone to visit. Neither my mother and I have gone down becuase he doesn't seem to want us there, he'd rather come up here and visit which is kind of a pain b/c he ditches us for his friends from H.S when he comes up here.

I will actually see him the weekend before Christmas, my father and I are going down to visit and go to a football game. So, yeah I'll get to see him but no one else will.

He actually has never been deployed, we've been lucky that the job he's taken with the Marines keeps him stateside, so that is something we don't have to worry about.

I'm thinking that I should just write him an email to get all of my rational thoughts out there and see how it goes from there.

PandaBurr

I would try and talk to him about it. There could be some other issue that's the deciding factor. I'm sort of in the same situation. My cousins and I always do Christmas together; Secret Santa and all that stuff. One of my cousins, however, doesn't want to come home this year. After talking to her, I found out it was because she recently broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years, and she feels so embarassed about it and she didn't want to face the family. He was a total douchebag, and berated her constantly. I told her she was being ridiculous, and that she should be with family, but otherwise, it's her decision in the end.

laurenclaire1386

I don't know what your relationship is like with your brother, but I can tell you how this would go between me and my brother.

Me: I think you're being a huge d-bag for not coming home for Christmas.  This is probably g-ma's last Christmas and you can't be bothered to "make the drive."  Mom is going to be sad the whole day becaue you're not there and you're basically ruining my GD holiday season.  Suck it the hell up and come home.

I think that's the "rip him a new one" option. 

Not that this works for everyone, but my brother and I are extremely upfront with one another and he usually responds accordingly to the guilt trip.

Button5807

Lauren that's usually how I talk to him but he doesn't respond accordingly to the guilt trip he gets defensive and it escalates like crazy.

sapphirebaby926

If it were my brother I'd rip him a new one but we aren't talking about my brother here. It really sounds like there is something else going on here other than he 'doesn't feel like making the drive'. I'd either call him up and ask him about it calmly or send him an e-mail about it

hetshup

What's going on with your mom and him (he?). It sounds like he doesn't want to see her. But I agree, go see him, have a Christmas that isn't that actual day. I know that when it's been hard to get home (I live in TX, the whole family is in CA) I get a little resentful that it is always assumed b\c it's so "easy" to get home that I will. I know with gma its a little different story, but maybe he wants to remember her not frail?

**Mutley**

That's what I get for assuming.  Doh!

I would still reach out in a loving way and let him know how much he will be missed.  I know that if a sibling was riding my a$$ to do something and being degrading about it, I would be even less likely to do it. 

Button5807

My brother is a total Momma's boy, as far as I know there's nothing going on between them that would make it so he didn't want to see her. He was acually here for a few days last weekend since he won't be around for thanksgiving and they were getting along like they always do.

I'm trying to compose an email that gets all of my thoughts out there but is calm and rational. It's pretty hard though.

pinkpinot

I actually don't think your brother has issues or anything other than the fact: he is a GUY.  This sounds like such a "guy" thing, to skip the family stuff for the holidays and be home.  He probably has NO clue how much his decline has hurt you or your mom.  He probably assumes it's not a big deal he stays home.  I'd just tell him the truth - your mom wants to see him, you want to see & it may be the last time grandma gets to see him.

Anon I. Mouse

Okay, well, I am going to go with the "suck it up and deal iwht it option" as ultimately, it is your brother's choice. You can share that you wanted him there - but I do not see the point of guilt tripping him into coming. I am sure he is very aware that grandma might die, and I think that is a poor reason to "guilt" anyone - the truth is ANY of us might die at anytime, and I just find it poor to use that as a guilt trip. And this is coming from someone whose mother was given a Stage IV diagnosis of cancer just before Christmas a few years ago and, while she is alive today and I feel blessed for that, I sure did not see that as a reason to guilt trip my siblings (or myself) into attending Christmas that year or any of them after - as we also had scenarios where not all of us could/wanted to come for the holidays.

I would definitely ensure things are okay with him, however he is an adult, maybe he just has made the choice not to come for the holidays this year. Sure, it sucks that this is the fifth year in a row, and maybe he is just being a bit of a tool for skipping out, however it is his choice as an adult to do so. And yes, others, including you, may see that as selfish, however he is responsible for himself at the end of the day and I don't see the point in berating him to come.

In my own family, there are times some of us don't make it for the holidays, even subsequent years in a row. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes as we just don't want to add in the stress/cost/drama that may be involved. My FI is a former military member and missed a few Christmases over the years as he was deployed and in theatre, and still sometimes chooses not to go home for Christmas when he was/is around.

In particular, my FI and I are choosing not to go either of our familes for Christmas this year and instead have our own Christmas just he and I, in a city we are both still new to without family and friends. And none of our families are giving us guilt trips for it. And if they were, I would just be frustrated and angry with them for it and it definitely would NOT convince me in coming.

babybchbum

i would send him a thoughtful e-mail soon just letting him know exactly how it makes you feel that he won't be home for christmas.

If he still refuses to come home, how about you all head up there right after christmas and have a special celebration with him.

MourningMist

You should also keep in mind that since it has been a few years since he came home for the holidays he has probably started his own "holiday tradition." Which, knowing how men are, probably consists of sitting in front of the tv all day until they get hungry then cussing at the phone because no one's open for delivery.

Button5807

As far as his own holiday traditions the last 4 years it has been working the 24hr shift at a prision. Since he doesn't have to work this year I'm confused about him not coming up.