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Heirloom Engagement Ring Gone (& Secretly Replaced) Before Proposal

My SO and I have been very open about ring searching, proposal timelines, (Dec. 2012), and all things wedding related. My parents had offered my SO a diamond ring that once belonged to my grandmother who passed away a few years ago. The diamond from the ring was going to be used in a new setting. On Thanksgiving, my future fiancée confessed that roughly a month earlier, the ring, appraisal, and envelope were all missing from a well-hidden spot in our home. At first, he thought it had slipped out, but after a few days of searching, it became obvious that it was gone. Since the ring was a family heirloom, he had a very difficult time confessing what had happened this to me. He said it felt like like he had failed me. To help lessen the blow, he decided to go out and buy a similar diamond to have placed in our setting. When he told me this, I was quite devastated.. Mainly, I am extremely upset with him for not telling me sooner. I am still grieving the loss of a family heirloom. The fact that he kept a secret of this gravity for nearly a month has weakened my trust in him. Additionally, it did not cross his mind that the ring might have been stolen, and now it seems nearly impossible that the ring could be retrieved from local pawn shops given the length of time since the disappearance. This news is extremely hard to bear, and now the impending proposal seems ill-timed. I know nobody is perfect, and his intentions were in a good place, but I’m not sure what to do or how to handle this.I  I am hoping someone might be able to offer some helpful advice. 

Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring Gone (& Secretly Replaced) Before Proposal

  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited November 2012
    In Response to Heirloom Engagement Ring Gone (& Secretly Replaced) Before Proposal:
    [QUOTE]My SO and I have been very open about ring searching, proposal timelines, (Dec. 2012), and all things wedding related. My parents had offered my SO a diamond ring that once belonged to my grandmother who passed away a few years ago. The diamond from the ring was going to be used in a new setting. On Thanksgiving, my future fiancée confessed that roughly a month earlier, the ring, appraisal, and envelope were all missing from a well-hidden spot in our home. At first, he thought it had slipped out, but after a few days of searching, it became obvious that it was gone. Since the ring was a family heirloom, he had a very difficult time confessing what had happened this to me. He said it felt like like he had failed me. To help lessen the blow, he decided to go out and buy a similar diamond to have placed in our setting. When he told me this, I was quite devastated.. Mainly, I am extremely upset with him for not telling me sooner. I am still grieving the loss of a family heirloom. The fact that he kept a secret of this gravity for nearly a month has weakened my trust in him. Additionally, it did not cross his mind that the ring might have been stolen, and now it seems nearly impossible that the ring could be retrieved from local pawn shops given the length of time since the disappearance. This news is extremely hard to bear, and now the impending proposal seems ill-timed. I know nobody is perfect, and his intentions were in a good place, but I’m not sure what to do or how to handle this.I  I am hoping someone might be able to offer some helpful advice. 
    Posted by blondfemail[/QUOTE]

    Were there any other items that were stolen?  This seems really odd to me. 

    Do you trust this person 100%, absolutely, completely?  I have a feeling it wasn't "stolen" as he is saying...

    ETA:  Apparently you don't trust him since your trust was "weakened" by him not telling you about this as soon as it happened...
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • I agree that it's extrememly odd that it would be the ONLY thing that would be stolen, but I guess it's possible. How well hidden was it? I did have my house broken into in college, and my laptop was the only things stolen, but it was out in the open, and pretty much the only thing of value that was easily transportable. 

    If you're convinced that it was, in fact, taken, I would sit down with him and tell him how disappointed you are, not that it was taken, but that he didn't tell you right away, and explain why. I think everyone makes mistakes, and you just have to figure out if this is something you can forgive him for or not. 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think you have some relationship issues to work out before getting engaged or married.


  • All of what the PPs said. OP, did your bf even look for it? Maybe your parents have it? Did they know where it was at?
    It just seems very odd to me that the only thing missing would be a small hidden object. Even if it was of a large amount of value, the theif had to know that it was there to over look everything else. Not to mention get in and out of your house without notice.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My engagement ring is my grandmother's wedding set, so I can't begin to imagine how devastated I would be if it was lost. If my fiance had lost it and didn't tell me, I would be extremely angry at him as well. He should have told you the moment it went missing so that you could search for it together. If he couldn't tell you that, what else is he going to avoid telling you? Not good at all.

  • I would personally be wondering if my BF was hiding other things from me...like PP mentioned. I can't even imagine something that important being lost and my SO not communicating with me immediately after he noticed it was gone. It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your BF and tell him how you feel and how hurt and angry you are. I wouldn't get engaged until there was a resolution.
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  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 at the corner of Wine Ave. and Margarita Ln. member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I am so sorry this happened to you. My boyfriend had "the talk" with my dad over the holiday weekend. My 91 year old grandma has decided to give me her diamond engagement ring early (I'm inheriting it anyway). My mother brought it back to FL from PA in August, and it was retrieved out of the safe this past weekend. I'm so terrified of losing it in our place, it's literally on a chain around my neck AND pinned to my bra until we can take it to a jeweler and have it resized.
     I can imagine how ill you must feel over this, and I can understand your anger at him for not telling you before he replaced it. Have you yourself searched the house? It may be he missed the envelope sorting through other things, or it might have fallen behind a heavy piece of furniture. I couldn't find a bracelet and earring set my boyfriend gave me for our anniversary for about 2 weeks and was nearly in tears...until I discovered them in an outer zipped pocket of a purse I had searched three times already.

    I'm hoping for your sake that in the spirit of preparing for the holidays, you two do a full cleaning of the house and the ring, appraisal, and envelope appear in an unexpected location. In the interim, it sounds like your FH has a problem with sharing painful, yet important information, and it sounds like you've lost respect for him in addition to trust due to his delay in telling you. I hope you are able to sit down and work it out, and I'm mentally shooting up the good vibes for you guys to find that envelope!
  • *UPDATE* We did search thoroughly, and also his mother and sister came over separately and tore the entire room apart trying to find it. Still, nada. He said that he did not handle it frequently out of fear of something happening to it. We are beginning to have suspicions about a friend of ours who is having EXTREME money problems, had open access to the office, and knew about there being an engagement ring. The officer who came to our house was very nice, and he has been emailing me daily on updates. He said that my SO did not turn up in the pawn results database (not that I was worried he would have done that, but phew!), but  neither did the friend we suspect could have taken it (major dammit).

    I feel like I can understand him being nervous and upset about telling me, but for a whole MONTH? To pretend like nothing was wrong!  REALLY? I keep trying to focus on the significance of forgiveness, which I know is important in a marriage. On the other hand, I keep thinking that honesty is also important in a marriage.  

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring Gone (& Secretly Replaced) Before Proposal:
    [QUOTE]*UPDATE* We did search thoroughly, and also his mother and sister came over separately and tore the entire room apart trying to find it. Still, nada. He said that he did not handle it frequently out of fear of something happening to it. We are beginning to have suspicions about a friend of ours who is having EXTREME money problems, had open access to the office, and knew about there being an engagement ring. The officer who came to our house was very nice, and he has been emailing me daily on updates. He said that my SO did not turn up in the pawn results database (not that I was worried he would have done that, but phew!), but  neither did the friend we suspect could have taken it (major dammit). I feel like I can understand him being nervous and upset about telling me, but for a whole MONTH? To pretend like nothing was wrong!  REALLY? I keep trying to focus on the significance of forgiveness, which I know is important in a marriage. On the other hand, I keep thinking that honesty is also important in a marriage.  
    Posted by blondfemail[/QUOTE]

    This is very true. I think it's important to remember that true forgiveness is a process. You might have to have some long talks about what happened before you feel like you can fully forgive him and more on but it seems like you are really willing to work toward forgiveness and that is a good sign.

    Hopefully he will understand how hurt you were not just that the ring was lost but also that he lied about it even it was to protect you.


  • I understand you are upset and rightfully so. I would personally go to the local pawn shops within a reasonable distance and look through their cases. The reason I suggest this is that a scumbag in my family stole my mother's e-ring/wedding ring set and pawned it. I didn't know it had happened because it wasn't something my mother wore all of the time. When FI and I were starting to get serious, I asked her where her rings were and she told me then she didn't know. Low and behold I searched the local pawn shops and found my mother's ring almost a YEAR after it was pawned. It was nothing big, not a real large stone and not in a setting that I really cared for, but the stone has a coal flaw in it and it had sentimental value to me. This was the ring my father originally gave to my mother 40 years ago and I wanted to have the stone reset, needless to say when I found out who pawned it and when, I flipped a script and almost killed the d-bag.

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