Guess what? I'm still in California...(Vent/Update/Advice)

lunarsongbird

The POD was supposed to be picked up yesterday at 11 AM- but that time came and went.

As you know, I've been working so Andrew and his dad were going to take care of the move. I felt guilty about it, but Andrew wanted me to have my going away dinner with my meetup group and then to be able to spend time with my family in the morning.

I kept telling him how much I appreciated his hard work. I told him how generous I thought he was for letting me spend time with my family.

However, he is tired and cranky. He's irritable. He's unpleasant. And of course- I was hurt by it. I'm not dissembling my life in order to spend three days in a car with a guy that is down right miserable. I'm sure he wanted me to come and help clean- but our ability to communicate crumbled and I actually had my dad speak to him at one point. It was decided that it would be best for me to spend the small time I had left with my family.

I'm not sure how they over shot their moving timeline so much. We live in a 525 sq. ft. apartment. I'm baffled. Perhaps it's because he wanted to move in wine boxes. I'm unable to help pay for the move, so I didn't think I should be able to have any say in how we moved. ::shrugs::

Advice:
My dad used to work for Mayflower. It took us two days to pack, clean and repaint an apartment twice as large as Andrew's. We drove it from Connecticut to California and not one item was broken.

If you are moving in the near future- I PROMISE You- the U-Haul packing kits (clicky) are worth every SINGLE penny. They are made to fit into trucks/cars/PODS. They will save you so much stress, because they are made to stack on top of eachother. It will be SO much easier.

These cell kits will make packing the kitchen a breeze- http://www.uhaul.com/MovingSupplies/Boxes/Kitchen-moving-boxes/Cell-Kit?id=2424

And wardrobe boxes help in the bedroom-
http://www.uhaul.com/MovingSupplies/Boxes/Clothing-moving-boxes/Grand-Wardrobe-Box?id=6560

The furniture dolly will be your best friend!-
http://www.uhaul.com/MovingSupplies/Moving-lifting-tools/Furniture-Dolly?id=8413

And this tape is adorable-
http://www.uhaul.com/MovingSupplies/Tape/Smart-Move-Tape?mid=90

So I'm waiting at my parents house now. Yesterday, Andrew told me he'd be here by 10 AM. It's 9:50 AM.

I'm trying to shower him with love, kindess, and support, but I feel like I'll be walking on thin ice when we finally get my car dollied up to his dad's truck. As he is already overwhelmed with stress, I don't think I will mention the logistics of this move anytime soon. Before our next move, we can have to sit down and discuss what failed on this move- and how to prevent it.

At one point, I was looking forward to this road trip- now I'm not so sure. Andrew isn't leaving anything behind in California- I'm leaving everything. I hope he can muster up some love and positive energy, because I feel like I'm making a huge sacrifice to bring our relationship to the next level.

So a recap- as this is really long:
-Andrew and his dad didn't meet their timeline on moving and now we are going out a day and a half late. I'm emotionally drained and worried about the three day drive.
-The next time you are moving, don't set yourself up for failure and stress- invest in U-Haul Boxes and equipment- what you don't use, you can sell back.

And a question- how do you communicate to your loved ones in the most stressful situations? Or do you just try not to? Any tips?

leia1979

Lunar, a really big hug for you. I'm not as good with the advice as the others, but know that you're in my thoughts. I can't imagine what you're going through in this big move.

I'm sorry that things are rough right now. It might be best to give Andrew a little time to cool--maybe once you're actually on the way things will improve. But then I think you do need to talk about why communication broke down.

SopChick

First - I'm so sorry you're going through that stress! BF gets really cranky when he's stressed, and usually I just try to give him space. I get emotional, and he loses his patience, so it's a pretty bad combo if we don't handle it appropriately.

Second - Thank you for the tips on making a big move! I am in the process of packing up our apartment to move across country, and although I have given myself a lot of time to do the packing I'm so overwhelmed. I'm mostly just in the editing phase, I figure there's no point in moving the stuff I don't really need/want/use.

Good luck with the drive and the rest of the moving process!

lmwilber

I would just give him some space, too. Sure he is 'leaving nothing behind', but look at what he is going to: a very sick mom, readjusting to living at home, stress over how living at home with you and the logistics of it, how much you are giving up and any guilt he might feel about that, and everything else that the move symbolizes (house, engagement, marriage, ect.) I would just take a deep breath, make him a mix CD or playlist of his favorite songs, by some ear plugs and a good book to read on the trip and let him come around on his own time. It will show him that you love him, and respect his need to sort this all out on his own. Guys like that sort of thing

lunarsongbird

In Response to Re: Guess what? I'm still in California...(Vent/Update/Advice):
[QUOTEBut then I think you do need to talk about why communication broke down.
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

Sometimes I think part of the problem it that I get into this bad habit of sacrificing my happiness for his- or for anyone's really. And if he really needed my help- he should have asked. He never did ask.

It's hard to deconstruct the situation when your head feels like it's in a fog. But in reality, my crying only really lasted for about 20 minutes. In the big picture of this move- that's not too bad.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_guess-im-still-californiaventupdateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f0f8cd5d-a245-4f6c-b7b5-13dc5eb0d545Post:019ddef4-92d7-49b2-a94e-0e1e10f7ec3f">Re: Guess what? I'm still in California...(Vent/Update/Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just give him some space, too. Sure he is 'leaving nothing behind', but look at what he is going to: a very sick mom, readjusting to living at home, stress over how living at home with you and the logistics of it, how much you are giving up and any guilt he might feel about that, and everything else that the move symbolizes (house, engagement, marriage, ect.) I would just take a deep breath, make him a mix CD or playlist of his favorite songs, by some ear plugs and a good book to read on the trip and let him come around on his own time. It will show him that you love him, and respect his need to sort this all out on his own. Guys like that sort of thing :)
Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]

Wilber, this is really really solid advice. Thank you...thank you so very very much!

Not only is it awesome advice- I'm so honored that you have really took the time to read all my past posts and really know the situation. I feel like you all really really care (as I care for you too! Wilber- How is the studying going? Are you still missing the beau like crazy?)

This is why I love this forum. You ladies are able to see the big picture and remind me of it- when I can only see what's right in front of me.

Thank you all for keeping me grounded. You honestly help make me a better person and girlfriend.

::deep breath::

I feel better already.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_guess-im-still-californiaventupdateadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f0f8cd5d-a245-4f6c-b7b5-13dc5eb0d545Post:d565fe99-5712-451f-a653-82389dac396b">Re: Guess what? I'm still in California...(Vent/Update/Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]Second - Thank you for the tips on making a big move! I am in the process of packing up our apartment to move across country, and although I have given myself a lot of time to do the packing I'm so overwhelmed. I'm mostly just in the editing phase, I figure there's no point in moving the stuff I don't really need/want/use. Posted by SopChick[/QUOTE]

You're welcome! Good luck!
The real moving boxes are really helpful. You can also splurge on a really nice tape gun- it will come in handy! Buy the little things that make your life easier for the move- that is the silver lining for me.

Buy a big sharpie in your favorite color to mark the boxes.

Mattress covers will help keep your mattresses clean- <a href="http://www.uhaul.com/MovingSupplies/Covers-bags/Carry-Pro-Mattress-Bags-Set?mid=447">http://www.uhaul.com/MovingSupplies/Covers-bags/Carry-Pro-Mattress-Bags-Set?mid=447</a>

These little things really help reduce the stress level. My dad and the internet- also has a ton advice on how to pack a truck. Get your big things in first. :)

Beads921

Lunar, I'm sorry your move has been so stressful so far It'll all be over soon, and you'll be getting settled into your new home before you know it. 

I just wanted to say THANK YOU for your moving tips here though. We will be moving before the snow flies, and it will be the biggest move we have ever made (in terms of the amount of crap we have to move). 

lmwilber

Lunar, 

::HUGS:::

thanks,  I feel the exact same way about you (and the other ladies here.) Its nice to have a space to get honest, thoughtful, heartfelt and unbiased feedback. 

I know that this move is stressful for both of you. And, if you are anything like me you want to fix whatever is bothering your BF RIGHT NOW, b/c you love him. It was a hard lesson for me to learn in my own relationship, but sometimes, leaving them alone is the best way to help them feel closer in the end. (Guyz b crazy like that...) I know that you want to figure out what went wrong, and talk to him about it, but wait, wait for a few weeks or, even a few months.  He loves you, you love him, and sometime (esp to guys) over analyzing everything only makes them more upset. 

Have a safe drive, and let us know that you have arrived in one piece ASAP!

(Thanks for asking- The studies could be going better, and I miss BF so much right now, but I know he needs to have a good weekend chillaxing with his bro. I just hope that once all this craziness is over he and I can get away for a few days...)

Sparrow87

*Hugs!*  I'm sorry that it's not as smooth a ride as you were hoping for.  I hope the rest of it goes better and you'll be happier once you're settled in CO.  Drive Safe! 

lunarsongbird

Okay- an update to my update-

I went to safeway and got a whole bunch of Andrew's favorites snacks, a beer for when we arrive in Winnemmucca tonight, and a couple magazines I think he might be interested in.

Then I went to Barnes and Nobles to buy the first two Harry Potter Audio books. They are $50 each and at first we didn't want to buy them, because they were so expensive, but I wanted to get him something special that will help him get through this drive. (I can't drive his car, because it's a manual and I don't know how to drive stick).

I also went to one of my favorite Greek places and put together an awesome lunch for us! Yay!

I'm excited now- and it's all because you were able to let me see the forest through the trees (Is that how that phrase goes).

This move is going to be a big part of our relationship- and you ladies were able to help make it so much more fabulous. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Now we'll be able to look back and say, "Hey- remember that first road trip? It was awesome..."

SopChick

I'm so glad you're feeling better about everything! It sounds like you did some really kind and thoughtful things for your BF that will help him relax. Enjoy the adventure ahead!

becunning2

I'm late to the party, but wilbur did give absolutely fabulous advice--and I'm glad you've got the forest/trees situation worked out.  Moving is stressful, and it's not a move for unstressful reasons. There's a lot going on with it (and since you can't help, he also probably feels grumpy about failing to pull it off as he had expected--men get grumpy when they don't live up to their expectations, let alone when they're stressed).  Sounds like a great trip that you've thrown together.  Good luck!

jaycee7389

Aww hugs Lunar! That sounds very frustrating, and I can imagine were already stressed when things were on track.

As for your question, I've been having a hard time communicating my frustrations effectively so I'm not going to be one to ask right now.

Peaseblossom55

I'm glad to hear things have gotten better.  Good luck with the rest of the move!

NurseyK

Lunar... hugs. Moving is SO stressful...  and  having your BF support you through your emotional needs would make it a little bit easier. It's totally ok to say to him "hey I need a hug" when you need one, you don't even have to give him a reason. 

When I'm stressing with my family (over the phone) I tend to say "oh the monkey are destroying the kitchen" or something rediculous, or else I would yell and say mean things that aren't true. My mom picks fights with me, and this is also my way to get off the phone before she brings me to tears with guilt trips. In person, in fights, I tend to shut down and just let the other party say what they need to say. When they are done I make my points and gently ask how we can work through it. I think I fight dirty over the phone, but much nicer in person.