Sorry this is kind of rambly, venty and long. And it might be a post and run. I'm meeting my friends tonight for Sushi and gossip!
So the family, BF, and I had a very belated birthday dinner to celebrate my brother and mom's birthday (way back in July and September. We'd usually celebrate them separately and in a more timely fashion, but this Summer/Fall has been extremely busy for everyone) and BF ask my family for my hand. Yay!
I'm actually extremely calm about it. A proposal could happen during Christmas, on my birthday (in January), Valentine's Day, or next Christmas. I think he was making his intention clear to my family, not necessarily that he's going to propose any second now.
But I'm hesitant to tell my friends. It seems silly not to want to share. Kind of like i'm not excited, though I am. And they're always telling me I'm kind of secretive and I don't share everything readily. But I don't want them stoking any dormant BSC in me over the next several months. I don't want any external pressure of "when's it gonna happen, when's it gonna happen?" or for every time I call to chat or to make plans to hang out for them to expect some sort of announcement.
I could be hypersensitive b/c a friend recently got engaged and literally, the last year with her has been hell. She was the definition of BSC. We all started calling her engagement Sharon, which was this running bit on the local morning radio show here (in a nutshell, this woman called up every week thinking that THIS was the week her boyfriend was going to propose. Every dinner she obsessed over, every night out, every little thing he suggested made her think this was the moment. This went on for months....it was hilarious, until it was sort of sad how desperate and pathetic this woman sounded.) Our friend even called herself engagement Sharon. I just don't want any internal or external pressure.
I also kind of want an element of surprise. I want to be able to call my friends and be super excited and say "I'M ENGAGED!!!" without them expecting it. I don't know, maybe that makes me a bit of an AW, but everyone else got their moment to shine when they got engaged (none of us friends knew in the immediate time before anyone else's engagement. We might have known things were movng in that direction, but not anything ike, "OMG, girl is getting engaged next Thursday"), so I kind of want that moment as well.
I guess I feel weird in general that I just don't want to share. I'm excited as all get out, but I don't have an overwhelming urge to scream it from the rooftops. I always thought of myself as the big wedding type. I always thought I was going to have a blowout and do everything to the nines. But the closer this all gets to reality, the more BF and I talk about getting engaged and married, the "realer" it becomes, the more I want to put my head under a pillow. It has nothing to do with him or our relationship, I'm more in love with him than ever, but maybe I'm the elopement type! Who knows.
So am I weird that I don't want to share? Overthinking much? Sorry that was long. I guess I just needed to unload. Thanks for listening.