Remind me of the cons of a long engagement, please.

Narwhal

I'm having a mopey night.  I'm sick of everyone asking why I'm not engaged/married yet. I'm sick of people not taking my relationship seriously just because he's my BF, not my FI. But most of all I'm sick of having to call him my BF, when that can mean anything.

None of these are good enough reasons to push up the engagement, and I'm definitely not going to push the marriage up either just for the sake of a shorter engagement....

But i'm being difficult and need to hear why a long engagement is a bad idea.

jeanacorina

Well.....

-People start wondering when the f*** you'll actually GET married and stop putting around. So you get the same crap.

-Rushing into a proposal just to be engaged...... do I need to say more?

You can do this. I did it. Remember? 5 years? 3 living together? WTF?

It'll work out, and you'll be so much happier if you do things on your own and don't let nosy stupid people and the BSC voice in your head dictate your life.

We all have the BSC voice, by the way. Don't listen. I'm sure you guys have great reasons for waiting. What are they? Maybe talking about WHY you're doing things a certain way will make you feel better about your decisions.

bajediva

i don't have any standard reasons stored up, but the first thing that comes to mind is that the 'why aren't you married yet' will intensify rather than lessen - "what's the date?? where's it going to be??" probably additional pressure you don't need.

still, if you were *both* ready to make the commitment to make a commitment now (hehe), then why the heck not? the key, IMO, would be that whatever step(s) you do or don't take, the motivation is completely generated from within your relationship. it's what YOU want, it's what YOU are convinced is best for you, it's what makes YOU happy.

'BF' might mean any random number of things to other people, but what it really means is defined by you. it doesn't matter one iota who does or doesn't think what. you've got a relationship that you believe will stand the test of time, and time is just what it might take for others to really catch on. even then, they'll never be on the same wavelength as you 'cause it's *your* experience. screw them, well-intentioned though they may be.

i say a long engagement isn't a bad idea unless it's a bad idea in *your* case. either way, it's a bad idea for external influence to determine for you how and when you do things.

(sorry this is long...i'm a rambler at these hours)

Narwhal

We're waiting for just that reason, so that I won't get too impatient towards the end of the engagement, so that we don't have a bunch of people asking when we're going to end up going through with it.  My sister had a long engagement, and she was planning this huge ordeal, then towards the end, she was just like "screw it, i want whatever's fastest" and ended up settling for a wedding that she really didn't want.  I definitely do not want that to happen.

I made a promise to myself that I will not get married until I graduate college, and I did that before I even met BF.  So I'm not backing down from that.

I feel a little better already.

nefariousmango

Same as a PP, we were together 5 years and even owned our own home together before we got engaged.  It pissed me off to no end when people, especially realitors/ bankers, would treat us as less serious than couples with rings on their fingers.

Still, I don't see any point in rushing into the wedding when you know you want to spend forever together.  I started calling him my partner, partially in response to the anti-gay marriage BS that's keeping my uncles as "partners" after 25 years together, and it seems to make people think about it a bit more before judging it as less serious. 

Button5807

I get what you're saying. *hugs*

For different reasons on several occasions BF and I have put getting engaged on hold (hence be being here so long lol) btu whenever I try to explain that to anyone (god forbid they asked him) it always seems like they don't believe me and on occasion a look of pity will cross their faces. *eye roll* I know exactly where my relationship stands, I'm not sitting around pining for a ring wondering when or if it will happen. Most people aren't willingto accept that mindset, it's sad.

On occasion when I do let it get to me bf likes to say that relationships would be so much easier if no one else existed. ;-)

KD+BC

Hug! There is no negative to having a long engagement but the reason for me would be that I would want to start planning right away and get impatient. I'm already impatient and we are only having a 10 month engagement! Stick to your guns if that's what you want. There is no reason to rush.

They may be bothering you with the "when are you getting engaged" question, but the questions don't stop once you get engaged. FI and I got engaged on Christmas and told our families that day. People immediately asked, "what's the date? where is it going to be? what kind of dress do you like? what will be your colors?" Now that we have some of those questions answered, I have a couple people asking when we are going to start having kids! Back off! I'm not married yet! I'm not going to plan to get knocked up until after then!

So yeah, it never ends. Do what is best for your relationship. I always hated calling FI, BF but it will change someday and what matters is that you know you two are serious and going to get married someday.

zaneopal

I know what you mean, Narwhal.

We aren't getting it too much yet, but from the few relatives that BF and I are starting to get that nonsense from, it's incredibly intense. For the love of cheese, we're both 22 and just about to graduate college! I don't have a permanent job yet, he doesn't have one at all, we are in no shape to be getting married! And let's not forget the part where I haven't seen the man in 2 months since he's in another country--and will be there until the end of June.

Yes, I'd love to be married to him, but neither of us is at that point in our lives yet, like I'm sure you're not. Like my mom keeps telling me when I call her to gripe about it, we don't live our lives by other people's timelines, we live them by our own. And we set the timeline as it comes.

Cheers.

Goldlie11

Cons:  

-People will keep asking you why it's taking you so long to get to the alter.

-You can't fall in love with anything until closer to the wedding date because it might not be available when you are ready to buy it.

-You can't really answer "wedding" questions with any certainty  (i.e. What are your colors?).

ehlonader

I agree with all.  People who are nosey are stupid and have nothing better to do.  Tell them if they want to get into other people's business, they should read US weekly (whether or not they mean well). You and your fiance are the only ones that matter and your timeline is the only one that you need to live by.

Narwhal

Thanks friends. That helped a lot. I know I'm just being a little silly and frustrated. I just hate playing a waiting game.

klkier8398

IMO... you shouldn't get engaged just because you are tired of being just a girlfriend.

Having a ring on you finger just for the sake of a ring on your finger is a bad idea. (but please don't get a promise ring) The questions only get worse after you are engaged, trust me. Are you sure that he's is ready to get married? My engagement will be  a year and a half by the time the wedding gets here and it was torture at the beginning. All I wanted to do was plan plan plan and couldn't really. Not to mention my mind has changed a thousand times since then. And yep. I'm sick of it all. I can't wait to be married and just be with my FI.  So my point is, don't get engaged until you are ready to be married. 

Narwhal

I'm not talking about being engaged just so that I can have a ring on my finger, I'm talking about being engaged so that I can feel like we're getting the ball rolling.

We're both ready to get married, but the practical stuff with the timing isn't right. We communicate a lot about it, and we're both definitely on the same page.  Its just the limbo that is frustrating me.

katanne9

IMO, wedding planning is stressful. Get it over with asap.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_remind-of-cons-of-long-engagement-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f29b6e13-3873-4eb6-b815-03e2f158d94bPost:045a56d0-53fe-49e6-aea9-5bd78f8f2558">Re: Remind me of the cons of a long engagement, please.</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO, wedding planning is stressful. Get it over with asap.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

Truth! Don't prolong the agony!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" />

Narwhal

Haha! I don't know. I LOVE planning. I like the stress.

It might be different when its my own wedding though.

jeanacorina

It is different. I promise. Everyone around you starts acting weird and crazy and having VERY IMPORTANT OPINIONS.

Some things are fun. Tommorrow I have my hair/makeup trial.

But, to temper that fun, my mom figured out how to edit the guest list document today (which is cool, I needed her to fill in addresses). She erased all my cousins' names and their dates (those that have them) and put "and family" after every aunt & uncle.

Why? I don't know. But I kinda wanted those names. That's WHY I spent the time to find out their relationship status and the first and last names of their significant others.

Ugh. Oh, well.

jeanacorina

I forgot-- my mom called me at 8 am (on a SATURDAY) to tell me that I'm supposed to just write "and family" on the outer envelopes, and write individual names on the inner envelopes.

I said "mom, I don't have inner envelopes."

So, she got all confused about what to do (she must have been reading the Knot). I guess that's why she erased the names. I dunno.

202987

I forget which comedian it was, but he was talking about how first everyone asked about engagement, then the wedding, then kids.  Finally he started asking "What's after kids?  Death.  When are you going to die?"

Probably not a good idea in real life, but the thought makes me smile. 

Narwhal

I remember having to deal with inner envelopes for my graduation invitations.  I remember crying at the kitchen table because i kept having to start over and was afraid I was going to run out.

I can't really believe i remember that.
must have been traumatic.

jeanacorina

See? THAT was graduation. What do you think addressing WEDDING envelopes will be like?

Enjoy your freedom! And then.... ELOPE!

The funniest part is, I'm only half joking.

Narwhal

Now that you brought those terrible memories to the surface.. I'm feeling awesome about not being engaged yet. BF and i have already started talking about eloping to maui. then I thought about how important it is that his whole (huge) family is there... so we won't even be able to go to the coast.  Which, oddly enough, would be a lot cheaper. I did get the clearance from him to start brainstorming about venues though, so I'm not completely BSC.

Oh well.

jeanacorina

Uh-huh, it all starts with the guest list, and your problems just grow from there. Next you have the budget, and then the ceremony and whether it's religious or not, and then more guest list (what do you mean you don't want to invite your great-aunt Pam you never met in your whole life????), then your whole budget falls through when you actually find out how much things COST. Then you start completely from scratch, cut your guest list in half, piss everybody off about the ceremony and the menu, and finally you give up and say "Fine, parents and FILs! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT just tell me when to freaking show up!"

THEN, you feel like it's not even your wedding.

Last night, I had my first wedding "nightmare." It involved my dress alterations being completely wrong, someone tying giant plastic doves to my favors instead of bows, only people I didn't care about showing up and all the important people missing it, and forgetting the whole reception and leaving without signing our marriage license.

This is what you have to look forward to. Don't rush!

Narwhal

How frightening!

J&K10910

I've been engaged for over a year, and we're not getting married until October.  WORST DECISION EVER.  And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.  We still have nothing done, becaues there's been no point, and I'm so tired of being engaged.  Ugh.