Not Engaged Yet

Worried about a Christmas Ring......

My BF has mentioned an interest in getting me a ring for Xmas.   That said, I cringe to think that he might get me a ring I don't like!!   Before you jump on the bandwagon of what a cruel & shallow bitch I must be, Let me explain........   We've both been married before.  He once told me that he got his ex wife a sizable Heart Shape Diamond, and in a way that implies that he LOVES that particular cut.   I think Heart Shapes are cute, I feel they are REALLY tacky as an engagement center stone,  and very much should be set aside for dress jewelry, teenage Promise rings, or something a parent would give their daughter on her sweet 16.  While we are both very Young minded, We ARE both over 40.   I personally have always been a huge fan of Pear, Cushion, Asscher, or best of all Flanders Cuts.   Here comes the bad parts: I also have a bunch of extremely opinionated people for family. I will say this... They are split about evenly when it comes to this topic.    1/2 are on the side of the fence that is practically abusive in their opinions about the measure of the man and his ability to provide - being equated with the size of the rock(s) in the ring he presents you with.    The other 1/2 of my family is the bible thumping bunch that thinks its shameful to have either money & success, or a large  stone because you're "Flaunting" your money.     Personally, I'm more middle of the road & think that Gemstones of any kind are nothing more than sparkly mineral decorations.  Which I like...........  a LOT!!!!   (Hey, I may be a very practical person, but I'm still very much a girly-girl  way down deep!)   Furthermore, I'm opposed to buying "new natural diamonds".   I simply believe it is Highly Irresponsible both environmentally & socially!  Considering what the mining process involves doing to the earth. As well as the impact it has on the local population/community(s).  Not to mention the conditions people are made to work under.  I don't feel that anyone should be maimed for life or die, just so I can have a Traditional stone which the only person who can tell what it really is- is a jeweler with a loupe!  I'm not a sheep like that.   All my blathering aside......     He knows how I feel about Natural Vs. Manmade. We've had that discussion when he noticed I was perusing a “lab-gem” jewelry site, while looking at rings as a gift for my mom.  (He thought something else & brought it up!  LOL)        ANYWAY: I know it sounds like I'm putting a lot of emphasis on the ring and not the relationship.  I wouldn't even be thinking about it if I wasn't subject to opinions. I love my family, I don't want either of us to have to hear any static from them about it on either side.  As well as, I don't want Peers &/or Colleagues thinking he's my "kept man".      Personally, I'd just as soon have only a wedding band ring and just be happy.  But it seems to be a traditional necessity thing & He's already said I would have to wear it at least for events & functions, if we ever did get married. Being that’s how he feels about it, I’d rather start with the simple band for engagement and get the ring with the stones during the vows.     To sum it all up,  I'm an artsy fartsy type, so just for entertainment I've had an old custom design Idea I've been piecing together for years with the thought of submitting it for Mass production for as long as I can remember.     I REALLY want to love the ring he gives me, So I'm hoping to get some input about a way to tell my BF of my aversion to heart shape cuts  & that I'd like to have a part in designing the ring. Any suggestions on how to do that without totally offending him?

Re: Worried about a Christmas Ring......

  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    Go ring shopping with him?  Or talk to him about it?  You should be able to tell him, "honey I like this kind of ring with this kind of stone."   My Fi didn't want me to go with him.  I sent him some pictures of what I liked and left the rest up to him.  He got me a beautiful ring.  I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.  So trust him and talk to him!

     

    And what on Earth do your relatives opinions have to do with anything?

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • JoRockaJoRocka member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    We have been working on this whole marriage thing- and I'm kind of anal retentive and I am terrified I won't like what he picked- but he hasn't made a bad choice- well one bad choice- but I still kind of liked it because it was different.

    That being said I said... I'm going to be a creepy girl friend and show you what I was looking at (in a joking manner) and I showed him the simple garnet twist ring I really liked... and I left the website of the ring up on the black diamond section as a hint.

    I think it isn't horrid to say I really like THESE- and show a picture.  And let it go.  I know I want to be surprised and I don't want to pick my ring for myself- that's just not what I want- but I want to give him some guidance and some ideas.

    It wasn't a big deal- once we kind of opened the whole "married door" I had permission to not be creepy and stalk ring/dress sites.  I won't hound him on it- he's doing his own research- I just gave him some idea's and let it go at that.  

    Not a big deal to give them some guidance i think.

    I work hard and I play hard. I'm just like everyone else... only different... and if you don't like it- you can suck it.
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    The stones sold on that website aren't diamonds. Just making sure you know that. Also, didn't you say all this in another thread?
  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I recommend going shopping together. I wasn't even sure what I wanted until we found it.

    And there are tons of alternatives to diamonds, whether they're sapphire, moissanite, or something else.
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Did no one else eyebrow raise at the blatant selling/webpage/name dropping?
  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    OP, I edited out your "promotion"
    I'm not good at feelings.

    image
  • marylsilas2kxmarylsilas2kx member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_worried-christmas-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f3b2e98c-6cf6-4566-9cbc-def2bf406d0dPost:45f79b8d-db76-4f81-860b-66cb4929e515">Re: Worried about a Christmas Ring......</a>:
    [QUOTE]The stones sold on that website aren't diamonds. Just making sure you know that. Also, didn't you say all this in another thread?
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    <div>  Yep!  I'm already familiar with the style of lab diamond they have there. Last time I spoke with Lee, he has Multiple sources of Lab-Gems.  I can also send him my gem(s) of choice.   I'm actually looking at a couple of other sites for alternative process Gems of a certain size to have recut to my style preference.
    <div>
    <div>  Yeah I sorta mistook the "reply" button for "start another thread (or whatever they call it.)"  while having calls coming in, watching tv, and petting our forever - attention deprived dog (she's a recent rescue who was relocated when she had really young puppies- so she still needs constant attention, or else she whines & howls!)</div><div>  Anyway, I've since deleted the other post and relocated the edited version here.</div><div> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" /></div></div></div>
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It's pretty simple, just talk to him about it. Not in a demanding way, but  mention that you'd love to have some input with the ring and share a couple things that are important to you (such as the lab stimulant idea). That's okay to do, and definitely a huge part of a relationship is communicating.

    I don't remember your old post or what it entailed, and while I understand that your preference doesn't favour heart shaped stones, I think it's rude to imply that they're always tacky and shouldn't be used for engagement rings. Because some people do like them, and your opinion on this is totally subjective.

    Lastly, regardless of any comments your family may have and make to you, it isn't their relationship. So they don't get a say in the ring. And if they do, just mention how happy you two are with it and that's what matters.
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_worried-christmas-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f3b2e98c-6cf6-4566-9cbc-def2bf406d0dPost:6248c7f7-048c-46f6-b3d7-0d7dedeffaaf">Re: Worried about a Christmas Ring......</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worried about a Christmas Ring...... :   Yep!  I'm already familiar with the style of lab diamond they have there. Last time I spoke with Lee, he has Multiple sources of Lab-Gems. [/QUOTE]



    Ok, but calling it a "lab diamond" is a misnomer. It's not a diamond. I'm nitpicky because a lot of girls get hoodwinked by less-than-straightforward marketing and I think it's important to make the distinction.
  • marylsilas2kxmarylsilas2kx member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
      Again, I'm happy knowing it has the look & meaning without the bloodshed for me to have it.  People around me who see it, won't know if it's a natural process "diamond" or a Lab -Gem and I also don't feel the need to tell them what it is.  They would perceive it to be exactly what He & I perceive it to be & what it would represent to US is the most important thing. I don't owe anyone any apologies, Nor explanations about what I wear.  After all, It is America, It is my conscience and it is my choice.

      That is also the whole point of shopping around  for the best process and molecular structure of "Lab Created Gems" vs. "Simulants".  I can't recommend it highly enough for anyone else in the market for a "Lab Created anything", to:  DO THEIR RESEARCH!
      The gem(s) I choose would be Raw and would still have to go through the same Cut & Polish process as a natural.  Of Course, I wouldn't want something that was created in the final shape you see in the setting.

    Regardless, of what stone I want,  or how it originated.....

      What about a polite way to let him down easy about my distaste for Heart Shapes and how to ask if he'd let me design it?  Laughing
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I have so many questions about your last post that it's making my head hurt. Whatever, I'm just going to skip to addressing your question. In general, I feel like if you are comfortable enough with someone to want to marry them, letting them know your jewelry tastes shouldn't be a big deal. I know engagement rings seem to carry a little extra weight, but just don't make a bug deal about it. I said something like "when you start getting ready to talk about rings, I'd really like to be involved. You know how picky I am about jewelry haha." And he was like "duh. I know better than to do it without you." We ended up doing a custom design together. It was great.
  • edited December 2011
    Talk to him.

    I will never understand how anyone can think that they are ready for marriage when asking a simple farking question seems unimaginable.  WTF.
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  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I don't know why, but Mutley's comment made me smile. I think it was the use of "farking."

    Look at Audgie exercising those mod powers!

    OP, the more you write, the more I think you're trying to sell something rather than ask a question.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_worried-christmas-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f3b2e98c-6cf6-4566-9cbc-def2bf406d0dPost:ccc24f57-3e59-4301-9ab8-b8accf451762">Re: Worried about a Christmas Ring......</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know why, but Mutley's comment made me smile. I think it was the use of "farking."
    Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

    I'm trying to clean up my language.  :P
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  • marylsilas2kxmarylsilas2kx member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The question i suppose is really more one of Ettiquette as I know he has his preferences.  In retrospect, perhaps I should have posted this there.  In answer to the common insinuation: Yes, We do have an excellent relationship and borders on Better than most when it comes to communication about things.  The deeper aspects of Marriage is something that we have both taken extremely seriously all our lives.   Unfortunately, the person we each married previously, didn't.  We have both learned to "take care" about each other when it comes to letting one another to be who we are. creatively, historically, professionally, & philosophically.  We don't always agree, but we can agree to disagree and try our best to always respect the others position regardless.  The decision to present a ring is a HUGE step for some people who know the gravity of what's involved.  He is also a sweet sensitive soul with defined tastes. Not all of them are to my liking.
      So for him to even mention it, would be like exposing himself to a Lion, and asking are you going to kill me?   A lion may, or may not eat him, Just as any woman may, or may not break the heart of a man asking to marry.

    The Ring is ultimately a minor issue,  but I do have my tastes which happen to be quite different from his, and I would like any constructive suggestion as to how anyone else may have approached this kind of issue.

  • marylsilas2kxmarylsilas2kx member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    iBasha, Elle, & Leia1979, RavenRay,& Heyimbren, 

    I just wanted to give a HUGE "Thank you!" to each one of you for keeping perspective & being so helpful.  I'm compiling some info and working out the specifics as far as what to say & how to say it.

    I'm great at public speaking, but lousy at the personal stuff. It's probably because I work too much.  So I have to plan what I say carefully as a person, or else I make the wrong impression.   
    Here's a perfect example:
      Him: "I was thinking of getting you a ring for christmas...."  
    Me, caught off guard:  "Why would you want to do that?"  

    I'm a Huge dork.  But at least he still thinks it's cute.Cool
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