Is it a Question of Fairness?

Hazel_B

We are trying to get a draft guestlist in order. Due to the fact that FI's family will have to travel from CA and make a vacation out of our wedding, we are inviting their kids so they don't have to worry about leaving them anywhere.
 
I'm of the view that if FI's cousins are allowed to bring their kids then my cousins should have the same just to be fair, even though they are localish (as in within the same half of the province, still a 2-3 hour drive for most of them).
 
I know for some people kids make a wedding and love to have them there, that isn't really how it has worked in my family. My mom hates the idea of having kids at a wedding unless it is necessary, ie the CA travelling issue.

What do you think? Should I be fair to both sides of the family or is it okay to have one side be allowed kids and not the other?

PaigeMcC

If one side gets it then so does the other.  I LOVE kids at weddings.  We'll have anywhere from 5-15 at ours.  

Andplusalso: sorry mom but unless you're footing the bill Hazel gets the say;)

jeanacorina

Whatever you do for one side, you should do it for the other. It IS fair.

Why doesn't your mom want kids there and are your parents contributing to the budget? Also, depending on the venue you may not need to pay for kids under a certain age (kids under 7 were free for us).

Also- how do YOU feel about having kids there?

[Deleted User]

I wish we could have tons of kids at our wedding, but we just couldn't afford it, so we had to make a decision and stick to it.  The only kids invited are the kids of members of the wedding party (esp since the FG is the daughter of one BM and that BM is also nursing a 2 month old) and family children.  There will probably only be about 10 kids or so at our wedding.

Hazel_B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-of-fairness?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f8806335-b31a-492b-9c03-d0767c0a44a2Post:a17c14cc-5fe1-445b-bce6-955868bf3cdd">Re: Is it a Question of Fairness?</a>:
[QUOTE]Whatever you do for one side, you should do it for the other. It IS fair. Why doesn't your mom want kids there and are your parents contributing to the budget? Also, depending on the venue you may not need to pay for kids under a certain age (kids under 7 were free for us). Also- how do YOU feel about having kids there?
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

I'm all about fairness with this guestlist, it is tough when I'm breaking tradition in my family though.

Funny thing is my mom was a kindergarten teacher and loves kids, but does not like unruly children at inappropriate places...ie weddings, funerals, etc. She doesn't have a problem with kids having fun and dancing but she does have a problem with them using a reception hall as a racetrack and doesn't feel it is her place to control other people's kids. As in, easier not to invite and not to deal with it at all. 

My parents are contributing to the budget.

Good point, I'll have to make it a point to ask potential caters about that.

Ember01

I think it is only fair, if one side gets to have kids so should the other side. In order to fix this problem with our wedding, we are having a kid's reception room for dinner. I'm hiring 3 babysitters to watch over the kids during dinner (so the parents can enjoy dinner and eat). Once dinner is over, the kids can either join their parents or stay downstairs and color and play. We're also going to have blankets and pillows, so if the little ones want to sleep, they can be comfortable. This is the compromise between my FMIL and I (I want kids there). If the kids come upstairs during dinner, no one will say anything to them, but I have CMA with my FMIL

Hazel_B

Oh, I forgot your last question Jeana.

I have never been to a wedding with children, so I've never really thought about having kids there. More assumed that I wouldn't.

I just feel it is important that if there are kids there that we plan accordingly. Have stuff for them to do. I think FI is also concerned what they could get up to at my parents farm, ie getting into buildings filled with machinery, if they are bored.

Hazel_B

Ember - FI and I have already discussed the need for babysitters.  Are you having babysitters there the entire time? it sounds like yes?

leia1979

I think it is fair to invite both sides.

Fortunately for me, the only kids are FI's nieces and nephews who also have to travel. I have no child relatives, so we can just keep to family children only, which gives us two teenagers and three under 10.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-of-fairness?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f8806335-b31a-492b-9c03-d0767c0a44a2Post:9f124aa8-4d37-4e1b-a1ed-7b8c74b8fc8f">Re: Is it a Question of Fairness?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it a Question of Fairness? : I'm all about fairness with this guestlist, it is tough when I'm breaking tradition in my family though.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

Look, weddings are ALL about compromise. It's kind of a rare thing these days where both families have the same traditions and want the same things. It isn't just about "your" family traditions, it's also about his. There's a lot of delicacy involved in ironing out these kinds of details.

But I really feel like whichever way you go, you've got to apply your decisions evenly across the board. It might seem to some folks like his family got special treatment and yours didn't.

I would look into the babysitter option- that's a good compromise. Buy some dollar-store coloring books and crayons... pipe cleaners and other crafty-type stuff are usually cheap and great for young imaginations. If there's outdoor space available, have a soccer ball and some frisbees or something and let the kids run around and have a couple of babysitters to make sure no one goes where they're not supposed to.

This can work just fine, but even with your parents contributing, they don't get ALL the say... they need to compromise when it's reasonable, too.

And, just because kids are invited doesn't mean EVERYONE will bring them.

tuarceatha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-of-fairness?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f8806335-b31a-492b-9c03-d0767c0a44a2Post:75a6d542-6c7e-4ea6-b097-2dc287d18bc4">Re: Is it a Question of Fairness?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If one side gets it then so does the other.  I LOVE kids at weddings</strong>.  We'll have anywhere from 5-15 at ours.   Andplusalso: sorry mom but unless you're footing the bill Hazel gets the say;)
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

I concur.

bethsmiles

It gets way to complicated and drama filled if you try to pick and choose who can bring their children. People will be angry and offended if they can't bring their children but others are allowed to. Its so much easier if the same rules apply to everyone.

Remember that just because children are allowed to come doesn't mean they will. If its not tradition to bring children to weddings in your family there is a good chance that those on your side will leave the kids at home, but don't count on that! You never really know what people will do.

McKenna2012

I agree both sides should get the same treatment.

calindi

I've never been to a wedding WITHOUT children, and I can't imagine mine without my little cousins (and my *soon to be* niece, who is due next month and I can't wait to meet!).  That said, it's about fairness, I totally agree with you.  If you do it for one side, you should do it for the other. 

If you want to hire a babysitter, by all means!  You're free to suggest to parents that they can drop their kids off before the ceremony if they'd like, since kids often hate that stuff (especially if they're too young to understand what's going on - a 12 year old is more likely to sit still and be quiet through a ceremony than a 5 year old).  I think we'll probably end up hiring a babysitter for after dinner, in case any of the kids start to crash or the parents just want to dance.  We'd probably take a room and put coloring books and a TV with a Disney movie and some pillows and blankets for the kids, as my Aunt did when I was younger.

Ember01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_question-of-fairness?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f8806335-b31a-492b-9c03-d0767c0a44a2Post:226d1c52-72fc-4f79-819f-59200f40bccf">Re: Is it a Question of Fairness?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ember - FI and I have already discussed the need for babysitters.  Are you having babysitters there the entire time? it sounds like yes?
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

Yeah, we are going to have babysitters the entire time. I'm the director of a GS camp, so I'm going to "hire" some of my camp counselors to be with kids from the time the ceremony starts until the end of the evening. If, kids decide to come upstairs during the reception (which I hope they do), then my camp counselors can enjoy the party! I figured this was a good way to include some of my counselors who have worked for me for years, but that I probably wouldn't have invited otherwise.

shipsinthenight

I like including the counselors. that's nice, and I'm betting some of them could use the extra cash. Although, it's entirely possible that some of them could be offended at getting asked to babysit instead of being invited to the wedding.  This happened to me when I was an older teenager.  I was asked to babysit at a wedding to which I was not invited. I declined. I love weddings and was hurt that I was not invited when my parents were, as most weddings they're invited to, I am also. I know some people make blanket rules about kids and teenagers, but female teenagers may be more interesting in attending a wedding than most people think, and I know I would have behaved myself. Just keep that in mind when you choose your counselors.

Also, I think some people might like having a vacation minus the kids, but I know that is different for everyone.