Advice? Need to know the right words

motoLyn

So my friend (S) from college is getting married this December. She just texted me telling she is upset and in tears because her maid of honor just emailed her saying that her company holiday party is the Friday night before the wedding. So she was hoping there wasn't anything planned for that night. Uh duh the rehearsal is that night. So MOH says she has to go to her company party because that is when they hand out bonuses and she had helped planned the party. The MOH's fiancé is one of the groomsmen as well. So at the rehearsal the MOH and one of the groomsmen are going to be missing. So S is upset and her fiancé is mad and threaenjng to replace the missing groomsmen. S and I are suppose to get together and talk about it and let her vent.

I just don't know what to say. I don't know the MOH very well. We just met like this past summer. I feel like the MOH should hav known better. The Rae was set a year ago and now she is pulling this. But then I don't want to railroad and villainize the MOH either.

I need your help. What would you do or say? If you were S or me what would you say or do?

becunning2

Does the rehearsal dinner *have* to be the night before the wedding? Could it be Thursday?

motoLyn

Tis true I had asked if it could be earlier in the day. But a Thursday rehearsal is an option. Why didn't I think of that. See you ladies make up for my lack of brain cells.

TheMutleys

I don't know.  Personally, I wouldn't plan a December wedding because there is so much going on during that month.  What's done is done. 

I don't think that MOH is doing anything wrong.  I would not have been upset if any of my BMs or my MOH was unable to be at the rehearsal.  It won't be that hard to tell either of them what to do.  

I do think that the groomsman should go to the rehearsal, but I wouldn't threaten to replace him if he didn't.  

However, I am not sure how to say that to the bride.  She is probably seeing this as a BIG deal right now, when it isn't.  The MOH will be there for the wedding.  Sometimes work does just have to come first, even if it sucks.  I'm sure that the MOH isn't happy to be in this situation either. 

I would focus on reassuring the bride that everything will be okay.  I would remind her that the rehearsal is not the wedding and that the MOH will be there for the wedding. 

AnneR15

I agree that moving it to Thursday could be the simplest solution that makes everyone happy, but I think if I were the bride I wouldn't do it out of principle. Call me selfish, but I'd want the rehearsal dinner to be when I had originally scheduled it and not move it because of one couple's conflict. What about people coming in from out of town? They'd have to come in a day earlier than they were planning, which could be an issue for some.

I will say that it's not required for all the wedding party to go to the rehearsal dinner. I think it's pretty shady of the MOH and GM, especially since it sounds like it's just about getting her bonus (would she not get one if she didn't go? I'm sure they'd understand her best friend's wedding as a legit excuse to miss. The other way around? Not so legit, IMO), but it's really their decision to go or not. The wedding is the only mandatory event.

I should edit this for clarity, but I'm not gonna. So there

ETA: I misread and thought this was about the rehearsal dinner. I think my opinion still stands for the rehearsal, though that does seem a little more important to go to. Could she hold it earlier in the day before the MOH's work party starts?

leia1979

I don't think it's fair to assume the MOH should know what day the rehearsal is until she's been told about it. Also, unless there's something super complicated about the ceremony, it is not a big deal if they miss it [the rehearsal].

We weren't able to get to our venue the day before, so we just had a quick meeting before the rehearsal dinner. Seriously, it was 5 minutes where I explained how the processional would go. We told them in what order they walk in and who they were paired up with to walk back out. Before the ceremony, we tweaked who stands where, so people knew exactly where to go in relation to the arch.

NurseyK

Even if the rehearsal is moved to earlier in the day, I think that the MOH is pulling a completely childish act.

I would say something like this to S: "You can't control your decisions, only how you react to her behavior. You could suggest to your MOH that if life is too busy right now than you totally understand, and that just attending as a guest is a-ok. This would kind of let her off the hook, while letting her know that you don't appreciate her behavior. If she reacts poorly say to MOH 'well I thought you would know that being in the rehearsal is the second requirement to taking part in my wedding, do you have any other thoughts?'  I'm totally her for you, and this is a crappy situation. Maybe you should sleep on your thoughts before you make any decisions about the bridal party."

NurseyK

Oops I meant to say "you can't control her decisions" not 'your'

motoLyn

Thanks ladies. I just asked S about moving the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner to Thursday. But she had thought about it and with people's schedules and family from out of town they couldn't move it. The MOH knew ahead of time about the rehearsal date. S and her had talked about it numerous times. Hence why S is upset that MOH emailed her and asked if anything important was happening. I want to tell her it's ok and that things will work out and not to over react but I know she feels like it is a big deal.

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-need-right-words?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f913fda1-b947-464a-937e-cdb9cda06aa1Post:2b3dfefe-7863-4bb9-aad4-9ad3a6d6166a">Re: Advice? Need to know the right words</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies. I just asked S about moving the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner to Thursday. But she had thought about it and with people's schedules and family from out of town they couldn't move it. The MOH knew ahead of time about the rehearsal date. S and her had talked about it numerous times. Hence why S is upset that MOH emailed her and asked if anything important was happening. I want to tell her it's ok and that things will work out and not to over react but I know she feels like it is a big deal.
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

Ah, well if MOH knew about it in advance, then I can see why S is upset. However, it's the MOH's choice, and some work obligations can be really hard to get out of.  I guess I would still tell S to let it go. Nothing will be accomplished by being mad about it. Her wedding won't be ruined because MOH missed rehearsal.

becunning2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-need-right-words?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f913fda1-b947-464a-937e-cdb9cda06aa1Post:ed742a7e-c271-4b34-abe1-9efe5a19a8c9">Re: Advice? Need to know the right words</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice? Need to know the right words : Nothing will be accomplished by being mad about it. Her wedding won't be ruined because MOH missed rehearsal.
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

This! I don't think it's that big of a deal to miss the rehearsal. Disappointing, sure, but not the end of the world. If it's possible to move to Thursday or do it earlier, great. If not, no biggie!

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-need-right-words?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f913fda1-b947-464a-937e-cdb9cda06aa1Post:2b3dfefe-7863-4bb9-aad4-9ad3a6d6166a">Re: Advice? Need to know the right words</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies. I just asked S about moving the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner to Thursday. But she had thought about it and with people's schedules and family from out of town they couldn't move it. The MOH knew ahead of time about the rehearsal date. S and her had talked about it numerous times. Hence why S is upset that MOH emailed her and asked if anything important was happening. I want to tell her it's ok and that things will work out and not to over react but I know she feels like it is a big deal.
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

This changes things a little. 

If anything, I would encourage S to talk to the MOH and tell her that she is hurt.  She should share that she feels let down and unimportant.  In this situation, I would feel worse that my MOH was brushing it off and pretending to not know that it was scheduled.  The MOH probably feels horrible about it and that is why she pretended not to remember.  That doesn't excuse how the MOH handled it.

ETA:  I still don't think it is a big deal if the MOH misses the rehearsal.  She just should have handled it all better. 

paintgirl

I understand why she's upset, especially if they had talked about it beforehand, but there are some work/business commitments that really shouldn't be missed. It would be one thing if she were going to miss the wedding - that would be crappy - but missing the rehearsal? Eh. When's the last time you saw a wedding processional and thought, "WOW! How EVER did they come up with that idea?!?!" They all pretty much go the same.

IF the company party is a big deal - politically or otherwise - I wouldn't miss it for a wedding rehearsal. Tell your friend it's ok of her to be upset, but in the end it will all work out. I like the pp's idea of making sure the walking partners know what's up. What's the absolute worst that happens - she stands five inches too far to the left? It will be ok.

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-need-right-words?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f913fda1-b947-464a-937e-cdb9cda06aa1Post:d77378f2-6b54-4581-8886-6ed5ed21bb7d">Re: Advice? Need to know the right words</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice? Need to know the right words :  The MOH probably feels horrible about it and that is why she pretended not to remember.  That doesn't excuse how the MOH handled it. Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

This

csousa1

I personally don't think it is that big of a deal for the MOH to miss the RD. I mean, is it a bummer not to have your best friend there at your RD? Yes. Will she still figure out where to stand and walk at the wedding? Let's hope so. Is it nearly as big a deal as, say, having to miss the wedding? Not even close, IMO.

I think you should let your friend vent and get it off her chest, and if she asks for advice tell her things happen and since she can't do anything about it now, she should make the best of it. Offer to take notes and fill the MOH in on anything important she missed, if that will make S feel better. I would definitely tell her and her FI that replacing the MOH and GM is a very bad idea unless they want to end the friendships.

ETA: I should have read everything before I responded. If the MOH knew about it beforehand, that is kind of crappy. Still, even if she did know, it's not as though she could necessarily move the date of the company party. I still think you should let S vent and be upset, and then help her to look at the bright side. They aren't missing the wedding. Tell her she should feel free to express her disappointment to the MOH, but that kicking her out would not be nice and would only bite her in the ass. S is going to be upset about a lot of things for the next couple of months that she probably wouldn't be upset about normally - such is the stress of a wedding. My BFF is going through a lot of the same thing. The last thing she needs is any kind of drama adding to her stress. The ability for her to take things in stride right now is worth its weight in gold.

amyb140

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-need-right-words?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f913fda1-b947-464a-937e-cdb9cda06aa1Post:80be4ac1-1971-4923-8a00-538728ed68f0">Re: Advice? Need to know the right words</a>:
[QUOTE]Even if the rehearsal is moved to earlier in the day, I think that the MOH is pulling a completely childish act. I would say something like this to S: "You can't control your decisions, only how you react to her behavior. You could suggest to your MOH that if life is too busy right now than you totally understand, and that just attending as a guest is a-ok. This would kind of let her off the hook, while letting her know that you don't appreciate her behavior. If she reacts poorly say to MOH 'well I thought you would know that being in the rehearsal is the second requirement to taking part in my wedding, do you have any other thoughts?'   I'm totally her for you, and this is a crappy situation. Maybe you should sleep on your thoughts before you make any decisions about the bridal party."
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is terrible advice.  You want to kick her out because she can't come to the rehearsal?  Guess what:  you don't need to rehearse.  After being in 10 weddings,I have figured this out.  We didn't have a rehearsal - the DOC talked to the wedding party for about 5 minutes before the ceremony and they all managed to walk down the aisle and stand to the side.  Not hard.  People have other things going on in their lives besides your wedding.

</div>

DanieKA

S is in the thick of it, so she might not be able to see clearly. The wedding, if it's in December is coming fast and I'm sure she has a lot on her mind and a lot of last minute things to attend to as well as the regular holidays over the next couple months. 

I agree with PP's that you should definitely let her vent and cry and just try and be supportive. her MOH handled this crappily, but I'm also with the PP's who say that the rehearsal isn't the death of her wedding/marriage (not that they or she said that, but to her this is a BFD). But I get how she may not have a clear perspective right now. This is definitely something I wouldn't replace anyone over, though, 

Hopefully the vent helps and her and the MOH can have a talk and move past this. I know it's just an office party, but depending on the field a lot of those end of year office parties are accompanied or at the tail end of conferences and attendance isn't so much an option. And yes, teh MOH helped plan it so she could have tried her hardest to plan around the week of the wedding, but what's done is done. I think after the wedding and the holidays your friend will look back and realize that her day was great and everyone she loved was there and she married someone she's going to spend her life with. All that sounds like a win to me! 

Good luck!

cu97tiger

I'm with those PPs that have said it's not a big deal for the MOH to miss the rehearsal. S can be upset at how her MOH handled it, but really, in the grand scheme of things, it's a very small thing, and if this person is a good enough friend, she should still be glad that the woman is standing by her side on the big day.

Let her vent, then draw her attention to what is really important. The marriage.

NurseyK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-need-right-words?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f913fda1-b947-464a-937e-cdb9cda06aa1Post:b83f0cee-fe29-4680-9612-607aa0fb552b">Re: Advice? Need to know the right words</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice? Need to know the right words : This is terrible advice.  You want to kick her out because she can't come to the rehearsal?  Guess what:  you don't need to rehearse.  After being in 10 weddings,I have figured this out.  We didn't have a rehearsal - the DOC talked to the wedding party for about 5 minutes before the ceremony and they all managed to walk down the aisle and stand to the side.  Not hard.  People have other things going on in their lives besides your wedding.
Posted by amyb140[/QUOTE]

Woa woa... can you read? I didn't suggest that S should kick her out... I suggested the option of letting her off the hook of the responsibility. Big difference between the two.

Just because your wedding didn't have a rehearsal does not mean that all rehearsals are a waste of time. It was just advice, you don't have to agree with me. But you could <strong>certainly</strong> lay off the bitchiness.