Your SO's Ideal Wedding

lunarsongbird

So I was talking with Andrew last night and he told me that he thinks he'll be "over our wedding by the end of it." He's just really not into parties. I thought since this party was for us- and would only really include our invited guests, it would be a bit different- but no such case.

He's just not really into crowds of people- and I can understand that. So today I asked him to think about what his "ideal wedding" would be. I'm very interested to hear what he has to say. I know that he would absolutely be a good sport at our wedding, but I want to the day to be more of a reflection of what he wants, as well.

After hearing about Nursey's last idea of a destination wedding/elopment in Hawaii...it made me think that I could and should consider planning a different type of wedding when Andrew and I get engaged- and begin to move day dreaming into actual planning.

Have you talked to your SO about what his "ideal" wedding would be like? Does he want to have a wedding at all? Are you going to compromise and make a day for the both of you? Or is he going to go through with the traditional wedding/reception- because your SO is awesome like that?

Elle1036

We actually have very similar "ideal wedding" visions.

Lakeside, late summer or early fall, good food, all of our friends, and the family members we like.

Unfortunately, that scenario isn't going to play out for a lot of reasons, but it's good to know that we're compromising together, instead of one-sidedly.

lindsayloowhoo

BF is such a guy about this, he wants cake that tastes like a brownie and good food, whatever that means lol. Besides that I'm starting to think he really honestly doesn't care. When I was obsessing I used to ask his opinion and he most always said he didn't really care as long as I was happy

ADTonk

BF would love something very laid back with good food, music, and an open bar.  He's not into the details so much so he could care less about what flowers or centerpieces look like.

calindi

My FI has a very cookie-cutter idea of what a wedding should be.  It would probably be very plain, lots of white everywhere, and a seated dinner - salad, chicken or steak, and cake for dessert.  He is rather resistent to any out-of-the-box ideas.  I don't think he cares, though - he doesn't mind having a wedding, and he'll have a lot of fun, but he doesn't want anything to do with the planning.

I think the part where this becomes an issue is the menu.  He really wants to be involved in that, and has very little interest in anything else.  I'm trying to convince him to wait to make up his mind until we do a tasting - once he sees everything, he may have a different idea.  I think he's afraid some of this stuff will be tacky, which it would be if done wrong but our caterer is incredible so even the off-the-wall ideas are really classy and elegant.  Like Punjabi Street Food station!  FI likes internatinoal cuisine, but thinks it'll be hokey, but they did that at a gala at the State House once so I have a feeling it's super classy and fun.

DanieKA

SO's idea of the perfect wedding: Whatever I want with his choice of craft beer and music. He really has no preference as long as the music, and drinks don't suck. 

lunarsongbird

Am I the only one whose SO cares about the wedding? LOL. I can't wait to share with you all what his "ideal" wedding would be.

Wrkn925

BF's ideal wedding:

He would be able to cook the food, he is an amazing chef, and still be a groom that day.  It would be an extravagant gala with servers in bow ties and towels over their arms.  The ceremony would be in a huge Catholic church with hundreds in attendance.  We'd pay to fly his family here. 

There would be an ice sculpture, some kind of far out live entertainment and Buddy from Cake Boss would make a cake as big as my first apartment.

Yeah, he has expensive taste.

There's a new reality show I saw a casting call for.  It's called 'Don't tell the Bride.' The groom is given $25k to plan a wedding in three weeks and cannot talk to the bride during the process.  I'd do it, but I think I would be a bad candidate.  I would be kicked back by the pool drinking a margarita waiting for showtime without a worry in the world.

calindi

I think my FI had so much fun at his sister's wedding, and it's really the only wedding he's been to, that everything she did is how he thinks a wedding should be.  But when cornered, he'll only say that his idea of a perfect wedding means he just has to show up, that all our closest friends and family are there, and that we have good food and beer/wine.  He keeps rebelling about even having 'crappy beer' at all - no Bud, Bud Light, Miller, Coors, Heineken, anything like that.  I told him it's good to have at least 1-2 crappy beers so that those who don't care what they drink don't end up getting wasted off our craft and micro beers that we'll have.  I think he's slowly coming to understand that.

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:e0781dc3-5df4-4ce2-9e90-5c2503c08da7">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one whose SO cares about the wedding? LOL. I can't wait to share with you all what his "ideal" wedding would be.
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Well, My SO cares about the vows (he recently read me a poem from a book he said he might use for vows when we get married. Keep in mind we are NEY. It's sometimes hard not to become BSC when SO says crap like this!!!) </div><div>
</div><div>But as far as what the ceremony looks like, whether it's in a church or outdoors or at a hotel or in a banquet hall, and what the reception is like or the decor, he really has no preference. </div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't say that he doesn't care. I think he cares about the most important part (his expression to me at the altar and our relationship after). The fact that the rest of it gets to be my taste completely is kind of awesome, I think! though I would always, always ask for his input and think about what he likes.</div>

jemmini6

FI and I were really interested in just eloping in Hawaii, but I still wanted my immediate family to be there (parents and sisters), but since none of them would ever be able to afford it, and we couldn't afford to fly them all out there either, we decided on doing a local wedding.  Other than that, we've had pretty similar ideas and tastes on wedding planning, so that's been helpful.

ravenray

Have you talked to your SO about what his "ideal" wedding would be like? Does he want to have a wedding at all? Are you going to compromise and make a day for the both of you? Or is he going to go through with the traditional wedding/reception- because your SO is awesome like that?

We have talked about it.  He wants a church wedding.  We are going to have to compromise about some stuff.  We both don't want a first look.  He would like to be able to invite everyone from his old church (not going to happen lol they don't like me very much).  We agree on most things.  I think he will be pretty involved and I want him to be.  The day will be about us not me.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:c86bb19c-266a-47cb-b7bf-f375ab04c6fa">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]He would like to be able to invite everyone from his old church (not going to happen lol they don't like me very much).Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

Is it because you stole their most eligible bachelor? My grandmother would have called them ninnies for you.

cu97tiger

My BFs ideal wedding is his mom and stepdad, my parents, sister, brother-in-law and nieces/nephews on a beach in Jamaica. He was already married once and had the big over-the-top wedding, so he isn't really looking forward to that.

He's agreed to indulge me though, since having my (gigantic) family invited means a lot to me. We'll still try to keep it reasonable (under 100 people) and he's found a venue that he really likes (it's a golf course where we go golfing a lot and that we eat brunches often for mother's day, easter, etc.). Maybe he's the one that's BSC?

Anyway, what's most important to him is the food and the music, and that I show up!

lunarsongbird

So Andrew also mentioned that he feels the wedding is more for the guests- Agree or Disagree? How do you balance the bride/groom's desires with what will be most awesome for the guests?

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:aaf1ca48-1174-4db8-84c8-fc3c885c2a07">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding : Is it because you stole their most eligible bachelor? My grandmother would have called them ninnies for you.
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">No it was even worse.  I helped him convert!  Hence I am the devil.  Granted he is still Christian but not the same kind as they are.  They also don't understand about Orthodoxy and read a lot of false information on it.  Which led his pastor to say "The salvation of your soul is in question if you get baptized."  He got baptized anyways.  Hence I don't want them their.  If they don't support our relationship, well they can go stick their head in mud! lol</span>

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:8b4b46b2-b88d-4e2b-97a5-5c9768801929">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So Andrew also mentioned that he feels the wedding is more for the guests- Agree or Disagree? How do you balance the bride/groom's desires with what will be most awesome for the guests?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<p style="margin:0in 0in 10pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">I have heard people say that. I feel it is half and half.  Part of it is for the guest, but I still feel like the wedding belongs to the bride and groom since they are getting married and choosing to share their day with everyone.  I think that guests should be taken into consideration, ex: having chairs for people who need/want to sit, meals for vegans (if this is a known fact).  However, you can't please everyone and I feel like if you try to do everyone's ideas you just get lost in the noise.  I think the B&G should have the final say and thoughts. </span></p>

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:8b4b46b2-b88d-4e2b-97a5-5c9768801929">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So Andrew also mentioned that he feels the wedding is more for the guests- Agree or Disagree? How do you balance the bride/groom's desires with what will be most awesome for the guests?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>Disagree, unless you make them stand in 110 degree heat with no shade. The wedding is about the two of you and the start of your lives together. It's nice of brides and grooms to think of their guests, but not necessary. Just my $0.02.</div>

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:8b4b46b2-b88d-4e2b-97a5-5c9768801929">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So Andrew also mentioned that he feels the wedding is more for the guests- Agree or Disagree? How do you balance the bride/groom's desires with what will be most awesome for the guests?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with CU, that the wedding is absolutely about the couple. BUT, I think if you are going to invite people you should give them a bit of consideration. You don't need an audience to get married (you need a witness, not the some thing, though), so since you are inviting people to see you exchange vows, it's up to you to be a somewhat decent host/hostess. That just means making sure everyone is comfortable and has the basic necessities. That could be simply a comfortable place to sit or stand, access to a bathroom, and refreshments as simple as water or lemonade. It could be something way fancier, but that's up to the couple. </div>

calindi

I actually totally disagree.  The ceremony is about the couple, the reception is about the guests.  Not individual guests - you don't have to give each person what they want, that would be ridiculously expensive and impossible to please everyone.  But in general, I think if sacrifices should be made that they should be made on the couple's end so that guests have a truly awesome time.  We don't often get to see our families and friends, so we want them to have a really good time at our wedding.

TK suggests 35-40% of your budget should be spent on food & venue.  Well, we're closer to 60%.  If you include the tent rental and dance floor rental and chair rentals, we're probably closer to 70%.  I could have cut back on the caterer budget to splurge on a photographer or get the bigger videography package, or increase my rather small dress budget, but I would rather have truly fantastic food for everyone because my guests won't notice one bit if I upgrade on the photographer or videographer.

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:8b4b46b2-b88d-4e2b-97a5-5c9768801929">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So Andrew also mentioned that he feels the wedding is more for the guests- Agree or Disagree? How do you balance the bride/groom's desires with what will be most awesome for the guests?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

Agree. For me it seems like you spend so much time, energy and money in to throwing the best party possible for all of these people that you can lose sight of the real purpose of it all. At least that's what happened with my first wedding.

lunarsongbird

Interesting...which leads me to my next question...see next forum post.  

ADTonk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:e0781dc3-5df4-4ce2-9e90-5c2503c08da7">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one whose SO cares about the wedding? LOL. I can't wait to share with you all what his "ideal" wedding would be.
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

BF cares about the wedding as well.  We've already discussed having a co-ed shower (or rather stating our preference for one - sorry I just left the etiquette board) because the wedding is OURS and not MINE.  BF just doesn't care about small details.  As long as there are good people, good food, good drinks and good music, he could care less what color our linens were.

csousa1

BF claims that he doesn't care about the wedding at all and would let me do whatever I wanted, except that every time anything has hypothetically come up (Example - sister says something she is planning, and I say, "Oh, I love that! I would totally do that too!"), he invariably disagrees and acts shocked that I would want - *gasp!* - my cousins that I grew up with at my wedding! Or - *gasp!* - my best friend in the bridal party! Or even - *gasp!* - to want it anywhere outside of a 10 mile radius of our apartment. To the point where a comment to my sister or best friend made within earshot turns into a debate over our make-believe wedding. It had gotten to the point where I had to say to him that we were not under any uncertain terms to speak of our wedding until we are engaged.

Based on comments he has made and his general temprament, I think his ideal wedding would be in California (where his brother lives and where he would move if he could), with just our immediate families and best friends, with exellent drinks and tons of good food and no public speaking at all on his part.

The more involved I get in helping my sister and best friend plan their weddings, the better and better this idea sounds.

bethsmiles

BF would love a small (just family and close friends) wedding out in the woods somewhere. This is what I would prefer too (preferably at the lake I spent every summer as a kid) but I know my mom is going to throw a fit about it because she insists that I have to get married in a church. BF and I are religious but we don't attend church regularly and really don't want to get married in a church. We will see how that all plays out once I'm engaged.

motoLyn

FI never thought he was going to get married, he was going to be a bachelor for life.  But when we got engaged his requirements was family and beach.  I knew I didn't want a big wedding and I wanted to get married in Hawaii.  So in the end FI and I had the same idea about what our wedding was going to be.  Laid back and mellow and just celebrate with our families and close friends.  His other requirement was that he and the groomsmen got to wear rainbow flip flops.  Which I happily agreed.  We love our rainbows!

PaigeMcC

FBD would love an intimate ceremony in a tropical location with minimal people.

But he just likes vacations and he's shy.

So obv. we're having a 120(ish) person wedding in town.  We're cool like that.

SKP82

BF has joked that we will just go to the courthouse.  I've told him no. 

I think he just wants something intimate for the two of us, and I agree.  We're thinking elopement/honeymoon combo.

calindi

FI tried to convince me to get married this weekend at the courthouse.  I don't think he was kidding.

seevansolomon

BF and I have talked about it and feel similarly in many respects. I would be totally fine with a small DW to the Bahamas; he actually wants to more formal wedding with friends and family present. If he had it his way, it would be James Bond themed and have superhero action figures topping the cake. The latter, we may actually do, heh.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sos-ideal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe5ed78f-f7b1-45d1-885c-e2a35cb44b8fPost:2fec84b9-647f-4f6a-ac9a-db3353088a16">Re: Your SO's Ideal Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]BF and I have talked about it and feel similarly in many respects. I would be totally fine with a small DW to the Bahamas; he actually wants to more formal wedding with friends and family present. If he had it his way, <strong>it would be James Bond themed </strong>and have superhero action figures topping the cake. The latter, we may actually do, heh.
Posted by seevansolomon[/QUOTE]

BF says he wants to look like James Bond on our wedding day, haha