Can I get some Knottie love? And/or advice on mom-daughter stuff?

marleylikeair

Guys. Oy. I just had a massive two-day fight with BF. It really, really sucked.

I'll try not to go into too much detail, but I think a lot of what triggered it was my current issue with my mom. I've been a little buried in it lately, and it's been really hard on him. He's really supportive, but it's been going on a long time, and he's a little worn out on it. He says I've been more and more distant lately. I'm sure I have been. I just don't know how to drag myself out of the quagmire. He thinks I'm not doing anything about the situation with my mom--but honestly, I don't know what  to to yet, and I've been trying to figure it out.

I know the first thing I need to do is decide what, if anything, I want out of the mother-daughter relationship. It's really hard, though. This is a person who has taken my money, withheld mail I've sent to my dad from him, withheld my Xmas card (and gift) from my grandmother, and basically emotionally abused me and controlled me my whole life.

The situation is made worse by the fact that our current rift has affected my relationships with the rest of the family. She lies to them about things I say and do, and she can be very convincing. She plays the victim, throws temper tantrums, the works.

I cut communication with her for most of 2010. Though I took a lot of flack for it, It was the best year of my life. I was finally living my life for ME, and I was finally happy. As soon as I started talking (well, emailing) with her again, I started to slide into what has now become a very pronounced slump in mood and productivity on my part.

I don't know what to do. Please help. And I would respectfully ask that you try to leave the snark out for now as you can, because I'm really hurting right now, and sleep-deprived as well.

I'm really sorry to unload/vent like this. Thanks for being here, y'all.

calindi

Sorry to hear this!  Family stress can definitely put pressure on a relationship.

Can I ask what your Mom's issue is?  I mean, is it a medical issue, or a substance abuse issue?  Or is she just manipulative and selfish without any formal diagnosis?

Basically, what I've learned is that you can't pick your family but you can dictate your relationship with them.  It's a hard process, and one that involves distancing yourself from the emotional sting when the relationship doesn't go as you'd like.  And like you said, you have to know what you expect out of the relationship.

Best advice: go to counseling/therapy.  Sometimes just venting helps, and it gives you a safe place to do that without leaning too much on your BF.  Good luck!

PaigeMcC

You said that the times you weren't talking to her were the best.  I hate to say it but maybe that's the answer.  I hate to advocate for cutting someone out of your life but if it's affecting you this much: hurting your relationship, causing you sleeplessness and upsetting your ability to be happy then maybe it's time, again, to back off and not talk to mom.  I hate hate hate to say that but the behavior you describe here and the feelings that you've expressed show me that this relationship with your mother is no good.  It will only continue to get worse unless you take control of the situation.  But be prepared because cutting her out again may mean cutting her out for good.  Are you ready to handle all that comes with that? 

 If you're not then I would suggest really getting your relationship in order - seek counciling (with her or by yourself).  There are obvious issues and a councilor will help you work on those.  

[Deleted User]

Marley, I truly feel for you. I do not speak with my father any longer, so I can completely relate to wanting to cut ties. He was verbally abusive and toxic for me for many years. My parents divorced when I was a Sophomore in college, so cutting off communication was not something that anyone held against me.

I would recommend that you follow your heart on this one. People have told me that I will one day regret not keeping in touch...and maybe I will, but I am fully aware that it was my decision. If you feel that your life is happier without your mother in it, that is your choice. Only you know whether she provides fulfillment to your life or not. No one else can make that decision for you.

heyimbren

Counselling/therapy is good, but I'm also a firm believer that there can be a time when it is absolutely okay to cut off your ties with someone if that relationship is so bad for you. I finally came to a point where I don't feel guilty about it anymore either. But it took me a couple years in counselling to come to that decision and be okay with it.

I do think it's important that you spend some time to decide on something to act on in regards to your relationship with her, since it seems to be affecting other relationships in your life so much.

niknik15

If it takes distancing yourself from her to be happy, then that may just be what you need right now. You have to give your guy attention! Give your boyfriend at least one night a week where you try to focus on him and nothing else. He needs you as much as you need him. And if you are happy on the home front it really helps with dealing with other family issues that arise.

marleylikeair

Thanks, Cate. My mom's issues, ahhh, let's see. I've been dealing with them like an adult since I was 5.

She struggles with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and everything that comes with it, especially depression, anxiety, and rage. She's emotionally immature and won't take responsibility for her issues, instead blaming them on others. Growing up for me was much like what I've heard from others I know who've had alcoholic parents, featuring erratic behavior, screaming, and her being emotionally unavailable.

I'd like things to find some sort of resolution, whatever it is. I'd like to still have a good relationship with the rest of my family. I'd like to be able to attend family functions without having an anxiety attack or letting it ruin things for me that she's there. (I know that's mostly on me not to let her ruin an event for me. It's effing hard, though.)

I just don't know how to do it, and I refuse to let working on my relationship with her become my life. Because there are certainly enough issues there to make a full-time job out of it. I've tried writing emails, just as clear and concise as can be, because I felt maybe that way, she'd hear me, unlike what happens when we talk face-to-face. But honestly, it's just as bad, because what she sends back is so far removed from the reality of the situation. I.e., I'll write that it's 100% not okay for her to take my mail, and she'll write back a long email about other things, ignoring what's right there, in black and white, in my email.

I did set up an appointment to start counseling, first available was Jan. 20th. Gah. Wish it were today.

marleylikeair

Ladies, thank you for your advice. Allusive and Bren, I'm so sorry to hear you've had to deal with these kinds of issues, too.

Your words are really food for thought. I'm gonna sit here for a little while and absorb 'em.

bourgehm

I'm sorry to hear that. I imagine that would be really difficult.

Like you said in your post, being aaway from your mom makes you the happiest. Normally I would say work on the relationship, but it sounds like  your mom is really hurting you. I think it would be maybe best to just keep doing what you're doing. Personally, I would still keep 'semi' contact with her, just call her at times, but try to keep your distance from the situation. Maybe more distance is what you guys need.   And about your bf, is it that he just gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over and wants you to actulaly do something about it?  FI does that sometimes. If something is really bothering me and I talk about it for a month or two all the time an cry about it over and over he is all supportive for a long time, but eventually it wears him out too and he just will try to help me find a solution. That used to cause disagreements because I want ultimate support, but in his head he said that he thinks he is supporting me because it's not good for me to dwell on things. Maybe that's what your bf is feeling.

calindi

Here's a little exercise that helped me when I felt like I was full of all these emotions and couldn't really let them out:

Write a letter that you won't send.  Tell her EVERYTHING you're feeling - call her names, yell at her, whatever you won't do in real life because you don't want to hurt her like she's hurt you.  Then you can write her response, where she acknowledges what you say and realizes how she hurt you, but apologizes that she's not sure she can do better due to the issues she has.

While it's completely fictional, it actually made me feel better about my grandmother, and my Mom's role in my relationship with my grandmother (way too complicated, and not important to the topic here - just the concept that it's complicated).  It made me not blame my Mom so much, and it made it easier to deal with my grandma.  Even though she really hadn't, I sort of felt like she had apologized since I wrote her apology.  Silly mind tricks!

MissOwl

so sorry to hear you're feeling down marley. if i were you, i'd def spend some time thinking and writing and maybe even talking through options with BF. you owe it to yourself to have a happy productive life. take care of you!

loves2shop4shoes

BIG BEAR HUG!

Marley, I just wanted to say that I'm going through a very similar situation right now.  You're not alone.  I also got into a fight with FI last night because I was so angry with my mom that I had to take it out on someone.  (And obviously, boy did I.)

I wish I knew an answer to your question of where to draw the line with one's own MOTHER, but I don't.  My mother seems a lot like your mother:  controlling, abusive, a liar, always playing the victim, can NEVER apologize for ANY wrong she's ever done, and now is reopening wounds from my very AWFUL childhood with this whole issue of her putting the lien on my father's house.

I'm just SO angry with her.  Now all of her drama is affecting my wedding, and I'm completely heartbroken.  I haven't taken her calls all week because I don't know that I'll be able to control myself if I talk to her on the phone...and since she can't deal with ANY criticism, I don't want to get into a HUGE fight with her that will result in a 3 month depression for me.  (This has happened in the past.)

I'm seriously debating cutting her out of my life entirely.  I feel for you, Marley, because I know what a heartbreaking decision it is either way.  To remove one's mother from one's life simply feels like a lose-lose.

I'm SO sorry for what you're going through.  I'm here if you want to talk.

bettyshaw

You said she makes up things about you to other family members - is there any way you can clear your name with them? If you can contact them (and if they'll believe you), you might be able to get more support in your decision. I'm sure anyone who knows your mother well enough to understand her issues would support any decision you make, whether it's to cut her out of your life or just put a little distance between the two of you.

I hope things improve with your BF. I think it's fairly typical for guys to stop sympathizing after a while, even though it's not always appropriate. I know I always hate bringing up issues in my life that have been going on for awhile, because eventually BF doesn't know what else to say, and he just gets tired of hearing about it when there's no real solution. Unfortunately, with family, conflict resolution is a process, and it doesn't always go away within weeks, months, or years. I agree with PPs that you should try to dedicate time for just him, and find another outlet for your family problems. Counseling seems like a great idea.

Good luck with everything! And feel better.

marleylikeair

Thank you so much again, everyone. You all are really wonderful.

Cate, thanks for the letter suggestion. I've written countless letters I never meant to send, but somehow the way you put it shed a new light on the idea. Also, I'd never thought of writing her response, which I think is a great idea!

Shoes, thanks for the offer to talk--I just may take you up on it sometime soon. I'm so sorry you're dealing with similar issues.

Bourge, you're right. BF feels that way as well. He's so very ready for me to move forward toward solutions rather than staying in a holding pattern.

Niknik, thanks for the suggestion! You're so right.

Everyone, thank you again, so much. You all make me feel so much less alone. I'll keep you posted.

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-knottie-love-andor-advice-mom-daughter-stuff?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:feff3761-4e4f-4a4a-b71f-e8e066fd654cPost:b808158d-9a6f-4390-a6fc-60113f18cd43">Re: Can I get some Knottie love? And/or advice on mom-daughter stuff?</a>:
[QUOTE]You said she makes up things about you to other family members - is there any way you can clear your name with them? If you can contact them (and if they'll believe you), you might be able to get more support in your decision. I'm sure anyone who knows your mother well enough to understand her issues would support any decision you make, whether it's to cut her out of your life or just put a little distance between the two of you. I hope things improve with your BF. I think it's fairly typical for guys to stop sympathizing after a while, even though it's not always appropriate. I know I always hate bringing up issues in my life that have been going on for awhile, because eventually BF doesn't know what else to say, and he just gets tired of hearing about it when there's no real solution. Unfortunately, with family, conflict resolution is a process, and it doesn't always go away within weeks, months, or years. I agree with PPs that you should try to dedicate time for just him, and find another outlet for your family problems. Counseling seems like a great idea. Good luck with everything! And feel better.
Posted by bettyshaw[/QUOTE]

Betty, thanks, you make really good points. About talking to family: I've been trying to decide whether to do this. I think I need to. I just want to make sure I go about it in the right way. It'll be one of the first things I bring up once I get started in counseling.

becunning2

Sometimes the people in our lives are not healthy for us.  You have to do what's best for you and focus on that.  Don't let her tear you down--or drive a wedge between the rest of your family. It's a difficult thing to do to cut out someone from your life who in other families has a central or pivotal role, but you can't let her destroy your life.

Counseling is a good place to start for YOU to determine what's best for YOU and where YOU need to draw a line so that YOU can be healthy.  See, this isn't about her at all.  It's about you.

Best of luck dear--it sounds like a nightmare.