To elope or to wedding – that is the question!

soniatews

I need to vent a bit….I just got engaged a few weeks ago and Im already feeling overwhelmed.

My fiancé has never made it a secret that he hates weddings and wants nothing more than to run off and elope, but he also has not applied one ounce of pressure on me to do so. To make matters a bit more complicated our budget is very small and I am having a very tough time finding venues, food, etc that  will fit the bill.

With each passing week I feel less and less motivated and hopeful for a wedding and elopement is starting to look good. The only question I cant answer is: Will I regret not having a wedding?

Not to mention, I’m completely disregarding my fiancé’s feelings by having a full on wedding.

I don’t know what to do.

goheels05

I don't think having a small budget makes it more complicated, I think it makes the decision that much easier.  If you like the idea of eloping, you probably won't miss the big wedding.

What details about a big wedding appeal to you?  The big white dress?  Including friends and family?  Depending on your answer, focus your attention on the most important things and forget everything else.  Get married at a small chapel and then go out to a nice lunch or dinner with your closest friends and family.  Or go on a vacation and get married while you are gone.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing. 

jlmarks83

Are you able to talk with your parents or his parents about helping financially with a wedding?  Also, I don't think you're disregarding his feelings about having a wedding.  Of my guy friends that have gotten married, they all said they didn't want anything to do with planning the wedding, but when the wedding day actually came around, they had a blast.  One went so far as to say that he felt like a rockstar.

Anyway, don't let the stress of the situation overwhelm you and convince you to change what you want.  You need to talk with your FI.  Compromise is key in this situation.  Maybe instead of eloping, you could have a small wedding with just immediate family and closest friends.  You get your wedding and he gets the privacy of a smaller wedding.

Another thing to remember is your family.  My brother has now been married twice.  His first wedding was beautiful and we were all there celebrating with him.  It was truly a wonderful day.  He ended up getting divorced and has since remarried.  He and his new wife eloped just a couple weeks ago.  And me and the rest of the family kind of feel like we got jipped.  It doesn't feel like they're married to me.  It's one thing if it's a friend and you couldn't make it to the wedding.  But as a close family member, I feel hurt that they didn't want us there to celebrate their day.  Their reason for eloping is because she doesn't have the best relationship with her mom and she didn't want to have to deal with her mom.  And I honestly think that, after the comments she's made regarding their elopement, when my wedding day gets here, she'll regret that she didn't have a wedding.

I don't want to push you either way.  I just want you to see a different perspective.  Also...the main piece of advice is really just, talk with your FI.

trix1223

I think heels has given you great advice.  I just want to add from a mom's perspective:  if you do decide to elope, please, please, please, let your parents know and give them the opportunity to be there.

I have said on these boards several times that I would be hurt beyond measure if I were not given the opportunity to be at my childrens' weddings. 

Big wedding or small.  Traditional or atypical.  Formal or casual. None of that really matters a whit to me.  I just want to be there with them as they take this step in their life journey.

soniatews

To answer a few of your questions….

My parents have very little money so they aren’t able to contribute. His parents already gave us a set amount and they straight up told us the money does not come with strings attached. They said we could do whatever we wanted with it and although they would like to see us get married they would understand if we eloped. They have just been wonderful. 

My fiancé says he doesn’t want to pressure me either way, he wants me to come to a decision on my own that I will be happy with.

One thing that crosses my mind all the time is this. When I have thought about my wedding day, I have thought about turning the corner and seeing my fiancés face, and saying the words to him, and dancing with him. I don’t ever fantasize about my guests, know what I mean??

goheels05

Well, there's your answer.  You can still do those things without the big ball gown and elaborate ceremony and reception.  I also want to ditto Trix's advice about giving your parents the option to witness your nuptials if you do decide to elope. 

jlmarks83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_elope-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0ad41ac2-bcbc-470a-8fd1-59931b33d0cePost:1cd931d3-1d05-44ad-b200-b0bdf87c4f2d">Re: To elope or to wedding – that is the question!</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, there's your answer.  You can still do those things without the big ball gown and elaborate ceremony and reception.  I also want to ditto Trix's advice about giving your parents the option to witness your nuptials if you do decide to elope. 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

This exactly.

As for Trix's advice - - absolutely.  My family and I wish my brother had given us the option to see him get married.  Instead he said with an attitude, "No, we don't want anyone there."

FutureMrsTayPrince

i wud never elop i wud regret it to much

gottahavashorti

How would you and your FI feel about an immediate family only wedding?  Either near home or as a destination wedding, but that way your FI doesn't have the big wedding he doesn't want and your parents can witness the ceremony.  The reception can be as simple as lunch at home or a restaurant, or as elaborate as you'd like.

soniatews

The very intimate wedding is definitely on the table. We could definitely do something really nice for a small group.  Not having kids of mine own its tough to imagine what it would be like as a parent to miss the marriage, but I am not surprised to hear that. My in laws were probably just putting on a brave face.

While Im venting, doesn’t it make you upset how costly everything is? Did anyone read the other thread where a lady is thinking of taking out a loan to pay for her wedding. That made me upset, weddings make people crazy and vendors seem to be more than happy to take advantage.

Part of me thinks it would be so romantic to just jet off to Italy and get married on a cliff by the ocean, no stress, no caterers, no linens….but then the other part of me images hearing the toasts….oh geez, my eyes are watering and Im at work! See! Ive gone nuts

SarahPLiz

To be semantically correct-
elope= wedding with just you an your FI. It is still a wedding.

You and your FI can decide how you want your wedding to occur, and it can be as big or small as you both decide it should be. Ditto Trix on inviting your parents to witness at least. My mom still holds a grudge against my sister 12 years later.

soniatews

Ill be honest, I thought that parents wouldnt be happy about their kids eloping without them but I didnt think it was that big a deal, but it sounds like many of you have experienced something similar that in fact was a big deal.

Can I vent about something else related? My FI and I have been together for nearly 8 years, since I was 19, and we've had to go through stuff that Im sure wouldve broken other couples up (like living in seperate states bc of work for example), anyway, it wasnt easy, and there were a lot of people that werent supportive.
I really dont want those ppl there but they are, whether I like it or not, in our circle of friends...they are mostly his friends wifes etc, I cant have a wedding without them. ( well unless its family only I guess)

That part of me what to say Screw You!  You didnt support me when times were tough but you are more than happy for me to pay for you to come to my wedding. 
Thanks in advance guys, its nice to be able to speak freely here!  

shinxy

Soniatews, I know what you mean about the unsupportive friends. Dearest Boyfriend and I have been together since we were 15 and we've been through everything from a miscarriage to infidelities on his part (we've now come up with a solution to that so it's now a non-issue) to living six hours away for most of our relationship. All my friends have wanted us to break up since our second year of being together, and all of his friends are kinda sus people who are angry that I won't let him out to the strip clubs and prostitutes with them.

Needless to say, we're having a small wedding.

kdwhitley

small budget weddings are good... I wanted to elope. FI didnt. now we both wish we would have. different stroke for different folks. Just dont give on what you want compromise.