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Just need to say something...

I know this is just probably going to float off into cyber space but if I don't get this out I'm going to go crazy. I am getting married it's true but in the process I'm losing my family. My mom is not happy with the person I've chosen. It's been this hard for almost two years now. She thought we would break up and so when the topic of marriage is brought up she blows up. He's a good man and has never treated me unkind. But she will not accept our plan. So I haven't told her my wedding date nor have I discussed any plans. I really haven't talked to her in two weeks. The last time we spoke it was for a few minutes. I don't know how to relate to her anymore. It was alright for a little while, when I lived at home. But I've been in college now(8 hours away) for almost three years. Talking on the phone is completely over now. Eveytime I call we end up fighting. She loves to pick at situations, aggitate me until I can't do anything but scream. My grandmother has taken it upon herself to make my mother understand the way things are going to be. She makes the tension between my mom and I worse because she believes she must tell my mom off. I hate that in the end I'm going to have to choose between the man I love and my family. I don't feel like it's that fairytale romance and that choosing my true love will liberate me from my evil mother though that's how everyone else seems to think. I am an emotional wreck and it's very hard to plan for something this special with this much depression. I loved my mom and for a very long time in my life she was like my best friend. Prayers and guidence are very much appreciated.

Re: Just need to say something...

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    You don't say why your mum doesn't approve of your FI, is it just that she has never really got a chance to get to know him? (Living 8 hours away, I can imagine it's hard for her to spend any time together).Ask your Grandmother to let the dust settle for a while, let her know you are grateful for her support but that you need to speak to your mum about this.Maybe you should sit down with her and try and get to the bottom of her feelings, it could just be that she needs reassurance that you are doing the right thing for the right reasons, If you are sure you are, then tell her how you feel about your FI and why you want to spend the rest of your life with him. It sounds a bit stupid but good PR can go a long way in changing someone's perception of something/someone.You shouldn't have to choose between family and the man you love, explain to your mum that you love her but you are marrying your FI and that you would like her blessing but if she cannot give you that that you need her to be able to live with your decision because it is just that YOUR decision, not hers.Hopefully she will come around in time xGood luck x
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    Well, if you are young enough to still be in college, maybe she knows something you don't.  It's your life and you can make your own decisions, but we do learn a lot as we get older, especially about ourselves.  We'll never know what will happen in the future, but age and maturity give us some hints.  My point is that if your mom and even your grandmother are so opposed to you marrying this guy, maybe they have a point.  Maybe you should put off the wedding for a little while, finish up with college, get a job and live on your own for a year or two, and see if you still want to marry this guy.  By then, you'll be sure, and I'm certain that if you give it that much time, your mom will come around. 
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    Is it possible that your mother is upset not at who you are marrying but because of your age and how little she knows your FI? If you're still in college, she may be very nervous about your plans for the future and how stable a life you will have. You and your FI will need to come up with a plan so that you can show your parents that you will be financially stable without their assistance. If you're just 21 or 22 (I assume 1987 is when you were born?) then she may be concerned that you'll have zero time at home to establish yourself financially and independently. The best thing to do right now is to focus on things you and your FI will need to do to function as two adults who do not need their parents.
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    salt78salt78 member
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    I agree with Leah. In the grand scheme, you haven't been with this guy very long and you are still VERY young. Why not wait? If it's meant to be, it will still happen and maybe under better circumstances. If I were your parent, I'd would have a big aversion to you being married also. I think it's too rushed.
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    I agree with Leah.  You need to wait until you graduate, get a good job, and live life on your own for awhile.  You're only 21 and you've been with this guy for at least 2 years so you were pretty young when you started daing him.  Why not wait a few more years?  Mom may come around or perhaps you'll realize that she actually did have some valid reasons for her feelings. 
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    ditto the other wise ladies here.  I know that you're sure that this is "the one", but you are very young, haven't had much life experience yet, and haven't finished your education.Have a long engagement.  Let your family get to know him.  Let yourselves get to know each other.  If he really is "the one", there's absolutely nothing to lose by waiting.  But if it turns out that he's not "the one", there's an awful lot to be lost by rushing into a marriage.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Ladies we have been engaged now since Nov 2007. We were best friends before we dated for a very long time. I am finishing my education and the rest of my family is completely happy with us getting married. In fact most have encouraged us to elope. My mother has never truly been "sound" on the whole marriage matter. She married way younger than I am getting married because she got pregnant with me. He was into drugs(among other things) but she was forced to marry him anyway. They divorced after I was born. So she is paranoid that I will screw up my life. We already both have amazing jobs that will support us in the future. We won't have to worry about jobs, money, and we can just focus on our marriage to one another. We're perfect for one another. So thank for what advice you gave. We'll find some way to make this family connect.
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    Well noone can tell you what to do has far has your plans to wed your FI. You sound like you are mature enough from your pp. I think that what people feel is that you are so young and think that you haven't maybe experienced enough of life on your own. Only you know what you feel is right. Speaking from a moms perspective you are young has far has age, however not one of us knows you personally so we can't judge if we think you need to wait and do some more things in your life before you settle into a marriage. Its a really big commitment and takes alot of working together through good times as well as the bad. On your moms side I would just let some time go by and let her see that you are mature and can handle the decision you have made for this new commitment in your life. Maybe you and FI can take a little trip to visit mom so that she can get the chance to meet this man that you love so much and want to spend your life with. Many good wishes come your way from me.
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    So you got engaged within 4 months of dating?  At 19?  Since your mom got married so young, and it was obviously a problem, she knows exactly what she's talking about, and has more of an incentive to have a problem with it.  It's your life.  Good luck with it. 
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    You will still be changing a lot in your life over the next several years.  You mother may be leary because she knows that as well.  I know you won't listen to the older wiser people.  We never do when we are young.  You don't need to rush and you I have a feeling are getting defensive with your mother and not listening to her. I know  you think that she is picking at situations maybe you need to listen rather than straight off going for being defensive.  If you are getting so defensive right off the bat then deep down in your heart of hearts I think you know there are somethings that you need to work on before you say I Do. Remember she loves you and she wants you to be happy.  If you love each other then you will still love each other in a year or 2 and you will have time to have your mother get to know him.  Agian i know you will do what you are going to do anyway but hey I would hope my daughters would listen to me if they asked for my advice.  Which you did.  
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    edited May 2012
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