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Venting...a long one

cdermancderman
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in Chit Chat
Even if no one reads this, I must just get it out!  My parents are driving me crazy!  My wedding is in 9 days, I'm getting married back in my home town which is a hour from were my fiance and I live, so because it's the week before the wedding (and the lease on my apartment is up and my fiance and I aren't living together until we're married) I moved back home for a week.  Right away when I walked in the door my mom was on me about stuff.  And then when I didn't like her idea (we plan to grill /picnic for our grooms dinner, she wants to grill the burgers that morning and keep them warm in a roaster so people don't have to wait for food, we want to grill at the park, plus we already asked my FI's brother to do the grilling) anyway, when I didn't like her idea she was like "Am I not going out of my way to do things for you?  You HAVE to BEND on SOME things."  Yes, my mother is doing a lot, she's been planning, did our flowers, and is doing our cake (that too has been a battle of the I want/she wants), but this comment really bugged me.  I've given into SO much, there are very few things I've been firm about, wanting to grill and allow HIS family (who is coming 800 miles) to be a part is one of the things I'm firm on.  Then, later my dad made a comment that really bugged me.  My fiance is still working through Monday,(he works overnights) but has Sunday off, so, since I wouldn't otherwise get to see him until the WEDNESDAY NIGHT before our wedding, he is going to come up on Sunday to visit and told me to ask if he could stay the night.  So I told my parents, FI is coming on Sunday and staying the night.  Later on I joked with my dad about how my FI said to make sure it was okay.  My dads response?  "Well it would have been nice if you asked us first."  I thought he was joking.  But he was like "I'm half serious, not that its a big deal, but it would have been nice."  Okay, maybe I'm being a HUGE bridezilla, and assuming too much, maybe I went about it wrong and I should have said FI is coming Sunday is it okay if he stays not he's going to stay, but honestly?  This man will be my HUSBAND in 9 days, and my dad made it seem like I needed to ask permission for a friend to stay the night!  I felt all of the sudden like I was 16 and in trouble again, not 27 and getting married in a week!  I mean once we're married am I supposed to ask if it's okay if he comes with me to visit and we sleep in the same bed?  My parents LOVE my FI, so this really caught me by surprise.  And what sucks, is I can't tell my FI about it, because then he'll feel weird.  Was this too big an assumption?  That the man I'm marrying in 9 days, could come up and visit me, and stay the night, (in a seperate room mind you!, because we ARE that respectful) without having to ask permission first?  I was just so taken aback by the comment.  And if it's not a big deal, then why say something like that?  Knowing I've had a bad day and already had a melt down with my mom?  Why say something that could be so hurtful, that he knew hurt me, because he quickly backpeddled and was like,"don't worry about it, it's ok, it just would have been nice."  I guess, maybe I was disrespectful, but I mean, really?  If this is how the next 9 days are going to go I don't know if I'm going to make it, or if I'm going to come home for quite a while after we're married.  I just really felt like I was being told that my FI's not wanted.  Maybe they want me to themselves this week, I don't know.Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to type it out, even if no one reads or responds, I just needed to vent and get passed it.
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Re: Venting...a long one

  • BubbleJBubbleJ member
    First Comment
    Sorry you are having such a hard time! Just try and get thru the next 9 days I guess, other then that I'm at a loss advice wise.
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  • ffmaidffmaid
    First Comment
    It is their house. Yes you should have asked if you could have a guest stay the night in their house even your FI. It is their place and it is a lack of respect of their personal space to not even give the courtesy of an ask. So yes you messed up there. Now there is no way they would have said no but you should have asked and dad is right it woudl have been the nice courteous thing to do. Just like you should ask if you want to visit them yourself you shoudl ask if fi can come visit. It is not about not loving your fi it is about not respecting their space. Mom makes a slight point about pregrilling so people are not waiting but that depends on how many people to how big a grill. Maybe you could start grilling a while before you expect people to eat and keep them hot so that folks do not wait around. But you are right that fresh grilled tastses better .  
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  • aggiebugaggiebug member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Breathe. you are stressed so little things are getting to you. I completely understand what you are saying, but just step back. This is the family that you love and has loved you for 27 years. Its only a week! About the asking thing, its hard to go back to living with your parents after living on your own for so long. That is still their house, not your own. When you live with your husband you will can and asks if its ok to stay at their house when you come to visit.
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  • mikesboo23mikesboo23
    First Comment
    He wasn't mad because your FI was staying, he was mad because you decided he could stay without asking.  It is your parent's house and it's very rude to invite anyone to stay at someone else's house without even asking the homeowners.  When you are married then it is implied that he will be coming with you, when you're there alone and you tell your parents that he's coming to stay it's rude.You don't tell someone else how things are going to be in their own house.
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  • betrothed123betrothed123
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Your mom might have a point, but I have to agree that cooking burgers ahead of time and keeping them warm in a roaster doesn't sound very pleasant.  It doesn't take that long to grill burgers.  I've grilled for parties of 100+ people multiple times and everyone usually gets to eat within the first hour.My parents did not support my husband and I spending the night together before we were married.  It wouldn't have matter if it was 9 days before the wedding or not.  We even lived together, but if I was staying at my parents' house my H was either not there or was sleeping in a different room.  That's just the way it is.  We followed this ruel out of respect for my parents and their beliefs.  Also, like PPs said, it was rude of you to invite someone to your parents house without asking them first.
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  • NicoleandMatt47NicoleandMatt47 member
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    I disagree a little with saying it's "rude" to invite someone to stay without asking. Different families have different rules or beliefs, so as this may be how your parents feel, not all would. I live at home, so it's a little different, but I have never asked to have my FI stay, even at the beginning of our relationship. At times they would even make sure he was staying if the weather was bad so he wouldn't have to drive in it. They would never be offended that he just came to stay with me.. esp. 9 days before our wedding... it would almost be assumed. So IMO... I don't think you were wrong by not telling them. If your parents are super strict about that stuff, then maybe you could have mentioned it... but really it doesn't seem like a big deal. I think it was just an unnecessary comment made by your dad... so I wouldn't worry about it. Try to relax, ignore what others have to say and focus on you and hubby to be. :)
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  • notquiteblushingnotquiteblushing member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Just breathe, it will all be over soon.  I can't even stand a weekend in my parent's house without losing it so I feel you. As for the grilling thing I would say something like "oh sure we can do that but FI's brother really was looking forward to helping in, don't you think we can let him?"  Or just let your Mom bring the warmed up burgers and have your FI's brother make some fresh ones too.
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  • cashandrichcashandrich
    First Comment
    I don't think it was rude to assume it would be okay for FI to stay over. It just seems like you are all a little stressed out and taking it out on each other.
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  • slpambslpamb
    First Comment
    First off, congrats on your marriage!  I hope it went very well, and no one was scarred by things said in the stressful situation. 

    As for your mother, was she paying for the flowers, the food, etc.?  If she is footing the bill on something, she has a say on it.  Sorry to say it, but it's true.  She has a say on anything she's paying for, no matter how much stuff she's paying for.  But if she gives you the money as a gift, like a wedding present, then it's your money.  She's got no say.

    As for the father, how would you feel if you thought you were going to get a week alone with your daughter, the last week alone, and then she tells you the man that's gonna take her away in a week is going to stay the night?  Your their child, an adult yes, but you'll always be their child.  I would hope you parents just felt a little robbed of time with, and not just feeling that you were rude (I'm not saying you were). Parents change when wedding bells come around. 

    I hope you had a wonderful wedding, and everythings back to semi normal (normal would be you still single).  Congrats again, and good luck!
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  • JenGin74JenGin74 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ventinga-long-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:10338167Post:85dcbf74-8aaf-499c-8b46-3369a2a5f8b7">Re: Venting...a long one</a>:
    [QUOTE]First off, congrats on your marriage!  I hope it went very well, and no one was scarred by things said in the stressful situation.  As for your mother, was she paying for the flowers, the food, etc.?  If she is footing the bill on something, she has a say on it.  Sorry to say it, but it's true.  She has a say on anything she's paying for, no matter how much stuff she's paying for.  But if she gives you the money as a gift, like a wedding present, then it's your money.  She's got no say. As for the father, how would you feel if you thought you were going to get a week alone with your daughter, the last week alone, and then she tells you the man that's gonna take her away in a week is going to stay the night?  Your their child, an adult yes, but you'll always be their child.  I would hope you parents just felt a little robbed of time with, and not just feeling that you were rude (I'm not saying you were). Parents change when wedding bells come around.  I hope you had a wonderful wedding, and everythings back to semi normal (normal would be you still single).  Congrats again, and good luck!
    Posted by slpamb[/QUOTE]

    Please tell me you realise this thread is almost two years old. Do you really think OP is, at this time, wondering if someone has replied to her post from two years ago? Really?
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  • Bkseller13Bkseller13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    How the hell do you even find a post from 2 years ago?

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