My FIL's are driving me crazy

nikkilynn99

Have any of you thought that you'd rather just stay single than deal with your future in-laws for one more second.  And if so, what does that mean???My FI comes to me last night and says we have to drive 12 hours down to Tampa in order to spend Christmas with his family.  Mind you, he and I are not getting any time off for Christmas except for Christmas Day. (and we have already told them that) We live in Nashville TN and apparently are expected to drive to Tampa on Christmas Eve, get there in the wee hours of the morning on Christmas Day and drive all the way back on Sunday.I should also mention his family lives in Mississippi (4 hrs from Nashville) and have decided to spend the holiday's in Florida.My FI says, I really want us to go because "I don't want my parents to hate you anymore than they already do."Are you kidding me?!?!  How do you even respond to that?

Night_Sprite

That is a huge red flag.  It is also unreasonable.  You need to have a talk with your FI.  I don't get along very well with FI's family but FI and I are always a team.  Always.

mandyandmike2009

Ouch that sucks. I am very blessed that I get along very well with my FIL's. I can't imagine having to drive that far for that short of time. Why do you have to go? I would tell my FI to explain there is no way for you to make.    

Leah&Christian09

You don't have a FIL problem. You have a FI problem.

jeannigirl

Yea what is up with that. Why would your FI say something like that? Hate is a very strong word, I would have to ask him why he would say something like that to me. Is their some reason that his family dislikes you? I would have to tell my FI that is totally a waste of time and money to make a trip that distance for one day. If your parents can't understand that then its not your issue.I think that there are some issues that need to be discussed with your FI. Seriously.

magsugar13

How do you resond?"Well, your next GF hopefully will be a better fit for them than i was."

kimnelson09

You need a come to Jesus talk and stat. There needs to be a united front on this and if you have a valid reason for not wanting to go, and you do, then he needs to a) be willing to listen to you and b) be willing to reach a compromise. There's no "have to" here. If he's unwilling to do the above, he will not get better about it as a husband. And if he cares more about his family's opinion than yours, then you will forever be playing second fiddle. I would try to keep the Christmas discussion separate from the "they hate you" discussion because it could get very heated very quickly. Be prepared for him to defend them and take their side over yours. It's on you whether or not you want to live like that.

ck9586

He doesn't want them to hate you more than they already do? WTF is that?! Forget it. Don't go. Apparently they hate you anyway, why would you want to spend Christmas with them? Screw that. Agree....time for the come to jesus talk. This is not a good sign

sudslover

kimnelson09 has some very good advice.  Please consider it.  I put up with many years of this type of abuse, and my husband always covered my back.  There will always be something for them to pick at.  When our younger son was born it got worse (because he looked like me whereas the older son looked like my husband) and the verbal abuse was then directed toward our while family.  At that time we made a stand to protect our children from verbal abuse and ended the relationship.  No one messes with our children!  This is not the relationship I had wanted with my in-laws but they are a sad pair and only have contact with one child--out of six!The two of you are a team and you must protect each other.  If you are blessed with children, then you must put your little family first.  Everyone else comes second!  You are also putting yourselves in a dangerous position by driving so far in such a short amount of time.  They should not ask you to do that.I wish you the best.

sudslover

Sorry about the bold print.  Have no idea how that happened!

cath3888

If I were you, I'd seriously reconsider marrying this man.  First of all, if his family CHOSE to have Christmas in Tampa (12 hours away) when they normally live 4 hours away, then they should have at least considered the possibility that it would be too far for you to travel.  Don't get me wrong, they should have Christmas wherever they want, but the fact that they expect you to drive 12 hours to Tampa is insane.Also, it sounds to me like your FI is trying to manipulate you into driving all that way on Christmas Eve to see his family for Christmas by using the hurtful statement, "I don't want them to hate you more than they already do" ?!  Who says that?  It sounds like he and his family are controlling, inconsiderate, and manipulative.  Obviously, you would know better than I would, but I would seriously reconsider 1) what kind of man you're about to marry and 2) what kind of family you're about to marry into.

nikkilynn99

His parents do not like the kind of woman I am.  They believe I am too opinionated, independent, and strong-willed.  And as a woman, I shouldn't be that way.

[Deleted User]

His parents do not like the kind of woman I am. They believe I am too opinionated, independent, and strong-willed. And as a woman, I shouldn't be that way.Has he given you any indication that he shares their beleifs? If so, get out now. It would be hard to believe that they didn't instill this attitude in him.

Leah&Christian09

"Has he given you any indication that he shares their beleifs?" Yup, in the OP. First, his cruel "hate you more than they already do" and second by making the decision that they are going to FL without discussing it with her first. Do not marry this man. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.

nikkilynn99

No, he says he doesn't share their opinion & he loves me because I'm independent and opinionated.I just really didn't know what to think about his comment "i don't want them to hate you any more than they already do"It seems like every other week or so we have to put up with snide remarks or judgments from his parents.  And it always causes a fight.  He says he is sick of his parents' actions but he always tries to make their side seem reasonable.  And I, for the most part, completely disagree.  My family is a total 180 degrees from his family.  I don't know if I have the desire to put up with this for the rest of my life.

donnycornelius

Personally?  I'd respond with, "Have fun in Tampa."  No way I'd go.   And actually, no way I'd marry this guy. 

nikkilynn99

FI just let me know that his family has suggested we look into flights.  AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

SpanishMandi

"His parents do not like the kind of woman I am. They believe I am too opinionated, independent, and strong-willed. And as a woman, I shouldn't be that way." So basically, you're in a no-win situation. If you go, you'll be miserable, and if you refuse, then his family sees you as one of those 'feisty women.' Honestly? He needs to tell them to suck eggs. He chose you, and if they don't like that you're strong willed, then they can deal. Trying to finagle this crazy arrangement would be understandable if you at least liked the people. However, since they're crazy, I wouldn't go anywhere near them had I all the time in the world.

SpanishMandi

Just let your FI know that he needs to look into flights. And ditto PP. If he really valued your independence, he wouldn't be giving into his parents`manipulation. My MIL doesn't think I'm a proper Catholic wife, and definitely had issues with our Catholic ceremony in a Baptist church. DH has on several occasions politely told her to mind her own flipping business and that she wasn't the one who was married to me, he was. Your FI needs to step up. Until then, I'd postpone the wedding. You're in for a nightmare with this guy.

SpanishMandi

ETA" He needs to look into flights for one. You won't be going.

shortgirltx

Why would you want to spend your time with people who hate you?I'm guessing the only way for them to hate you less is to do exactly what they want.  Yeah, uh huh whatever.  Ditto PP's.  Have him look at plane tickets for himself.

audreya14

Is it your FI's mother that is running his life? Is she the one pushing for you to go to Tampa or is it his father? If it's his mother, then I'm sure you're no stranger to what is probably a warped mother-son relationship already. She may have been able to run his life in the past but now you both will be husband and wife and she need to understand that. But chances are because your fiance is scared to stand up to her and tell her no, she's going to start running your life. If this isn't under control now it's going to SPIRAL out of control once you're married. Your FMIL comes second in your FI's life after you. You're about to be his wife. He should listen and respect you and not live in fear of having to tell his mother something she doesn't want to hear. The answer isn't putting your FI on a plane and having him go without you. Why should you have to spend Christmas alone? He needs to stand up to her now and learn that Life is only going to get harder. You guys should be acting and planning things together. The fact that he came to you with the plans already set without asking you what you wanted to do together as a couple is not a good sign. Sounds like mama's boy needs to cut the umbilical cord and grow up.