200 people or 10 people?? PLEASE HELP!!

kateeliza

Please tell me if I am just nervous or if i should change my plans.... Enagaged in May to the love of my life- supposed to be getting married at beautiful mansion in Sept 2010 but im freaking out, not about the marriage thing but about the actual wedding. There are wayy more people that have to be invited than i want and im scared i am not going to have fun at my wedding. I am seriously debating us going on vacation with our parents and siblings and just doing it.... but another part of me is nervous i will regret not having a big wedding (although kinda feel as long as i have the beutiful pictures in the dress of my dreams im not going to care if 15 ppl or 200 ppl were there!) My parents kind of think i should just take the wedding money and use it to start our future... We're supposed to be signing catering contracts this week! Please help!!!!

kschwedic

Something that I've seen done numerous times around here (I live in Arkansas) is that the couple has a destination wedding or a small local ceremony with just family and very close friends, and have a reception later on (maybe a month or so down the road).  I am having a big wedding, and I'm getting sad about it.  It's caused a lot of stress planning wise and some unneccessary arguments.  I never wanted to have a big wedding and, if I could start the planning over, I would have just had something small--maybe on the beach if I could--and leave it at that.  But my FI didn't want me to regret not having a wedding fit for a queen.  I would much prefer to have the money being spent on this wedding as something to put toward a house, etc. Just sit down with your FI and talk about it.  It's a decision you'll have to make together after some serious considerations.  GOOD LUCK!

cidness

I've gone through the same thing numerous times. I was engaged August 2008 and we are now finally getting married in April. Even now I still have doubts about it because of similar reasons as yours. We started out with a guest list of 200+, we are now down to under 100. That has made things a lot easier. It's your day, do what makes you happy. For me, a smaller wedding was better than a blow out. I debated doing the whole "only my and his immediate family," but we realized there were a lot of close friends, cousins, aunts and uncles who we love very much and we wanted them there. What I would do is go back through your guest list, sort it out into three groups by: 1. who you absolutely must have there, 2. the maybes, and 3. the would be nice if we had all the money in the world. Second, you still have a little bit of time to postpone signing contracts and things. I am six months out and I still have lots of options open. Vendors have been very flexible with us and moving dates around (we played with that too, we've have three dates so far...lol). So do yourself a favor, and take a couple weeks to think about your decisions. Your caterers want your money, so they will wait for it, trust me. The worst thing you could do is do something someone else wants for you, your parents, your friends, even your fiance. For me, all my fears centered around money and not feeling I would be able to pay for anything. That's when I got smart and cut my list down to the people closest to me, booked a cheaper venue, and stopped dreaming of a $3000 gown. Finally, my wedding will be about me and him and not about "stuff." That's what really matters anyway. Hope you figure it out!

Hotaling

I would make a pros and cons list and see if that helps. My fiance and I felt the same way as you. We decided to do a little of both. We are getting married around here, but keeping the guest count on the smaller scale. That way it feels more intimate. Things to keep in mind when making your guest list, is to cross off the people you haven't talked to recently. If you haven't chatted in a year, there's no need to invite them. Bottom line, it's your day. Do what your gut tells you.

bingham101

If I could do it all over again I would have been firm and only invited the 70-80 people I consider close rather than the 140. Had I only invited that many I would be stressing right now wondering just how many more RSVP’s I will get in the next 10 days… and then how many people I will have to call because I am not important enough in their lives for them to return a prepaid postcard to me! But anyway, I have the problem trying to invite only certain family members doesn’t really work in my family even though I hardly ever see half of them. In the end no matter who shows up me and my FI will be there and everything should be just perfect or pretty darn close. I know it is very hard to please everyone. I really wanted to keep my dads family from attacking him because they were not invited. But I still think you could maybe narrow your number down smaller than 200 if you wanted.

Kristin789

>the couple has a destination wedding or a small local ceremony with just family and very close friends, and have a reception later on (maybe a month or so down the road). I know no one who goes to these "at home receptions" because they are just gift grabs - the couple tells you when and where to drop off your gift, and maybe you get a piece of cake.  Increasingly, people are deciding that if they weren't close enough to witness the actual ceremony, that they aren't close enough to get a big gift and drop it off "a month or so down the road."I know a couple who deliberately planned a DW because they were going to invite 250 people and collect gifts from 250 people but only wanted 20 to show up in person.  That's just not cool.If you want a smaller wedding, then have a smaller wedding.  We started out making a list of who we thought would want to come.  Then we made a list of who WE wanted there.  We went with the second list, and got married in front of only 25 people - perfect for us.And I don't know what you mean about having fun.  Your parents will be hosting the wedding, so they will handle the invitations and the RSVPs and the contracts and the details.  You and FI are the featured players in this event your parents are hosting - so why wouldn't you have fun and enjoy what your parents are providing for you? 

kschwedic

Kristin--she asked for options, I was just giving her one.

bcnoelle

I canceled my big wedding for a destination wedding with immediate family only. I paid a lot for my dress and photographer and think I will be happy with my decision. We are paying for it ourselves and have friends/family all across the United States, so we were really nervous about having a huge wedding and not having the people we really wanted there anyway. We lost $500 in deposits for the first date, but I am much happier! I am probably going to have a small brunch with my NY relatives and a few high school/college friends in the spring. It's a personal decision, but don't feel like you need to have a huge wedding if it's going to cause you stress!

RomysDannie

Being nervous is OK, but I would recommend holding off on signing contracts until you are totally comfortable with what you have planned. There is no reason to do something for a wedding just for the sake of doing it or for the sake of "what will people say if we don't" Your wedding is your wedding and to be honest, people don't care about  your wedding as much as you think they do. The people that love you will support your decision whether you decide to have a big 200 person gala or a 10 person ceremony. It is up to  you. Look at what your budget can actually handle and only do that. Believe me, people may make comments about what they think you should do for your wedding, but you can't do anything for other people when it concerns you footing the bill unless you just have an unlimited amount of disposable income. I have spoken to a lot of people who did the big wedding and they regretted it because it took away from what the whole occasion was supposed to be about anyway. Then there are people I have talked to that wouldn't have done it any other way. Then there are those who are glad they eloped and so forth. Talk it over with yourFI.  BE REALISTIC!!!! And then enjoy getting ready to start your marriage. Congrats on getting engaged! Best wishes .

cheddarmelt

What has you nervous? Is it being the center of attention, or is it the pressure to make everything "perfect" that's driving you crazy?

kateeliza

Thank you for all your replies... Part of it could just be nerves about making huge decisions this far out from the wedding but the more i think about it I am not sure I want the huge wedding i thought i did. If I could just have a smaller type wedding it would be perfect.. problem is we both have big families. Mine is more managable but my FI's fam is redic and as part of their culture they throw huge parties and invite everyone. my FI's father is 1 of 10 and his mother 1 of 9 children. Another issue is the money, my parents are covering good chunk of the costs but i feel guilty taking this for a 5 hr party. Many people will respond by saying just have a simple wedding and dont spend alot but if Im going to do it I want it to be impressive. Wow I am all over the place huh? I like the idea of having a very small ceremony with maybe just our parents and siblings then having a party after so the pressures of a "WEDDING" arent involved. Is this still rude if I write no gifts on the invitation?

bcnoelle

I totally understand where you're coming from. My fiance's parents had 500 people at their wedding and celebrate things big. I did not want that at all His dad is 1 of 11, so we really needed to limit our wedding to just parents, siblings, and our only living grandparent. You could add something that says "Your presence is our gift", but I don't think it's absolutely necessary. A reception could become expensive as well though. The ceremony is the cheap part!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My father has 40 first cousins. Weddings are understandably huge in my family. Thankfully, I'm not getting married anywhere near where most of them live, and therefore the only family on my dad's side I'm inviting are him, his girlfriend, his sister and my cousin.You could always limit the guest list in circles or tiers. For example, invite all of FI's aunts and uncles, but not his cousins. Cut out that generation entirely. One of my second cousins did this at her wedding (she still had over 200 people). Don't invite children and don't invite anyone to bring a guest, unless they won't know anyone at the wedding. Will people be upset? Maybe. But it's not their wedding and it's not their money. If they're that mad, they can decline the invitation.

kateeliza

So after a couple of days to reflect and prioritize i have decided to go with my original plan of the mansion in CT with the whole family. I tried to start planning an immediate family only wedding but realized there were too many other people that were close to me that i couldnt imagine getting married without. I think i was just having a panic attack about making a decision (any decision). I booked the caterer this morning and i feel very at peace with it- another completed task! We will just scale back some of our elaborate ideas to compensate for the large number of guests. Thank you so much for all your help, guidance and advice. It is so nice to talk to people going through the same crazy process! xo