Secretly married the year before the "wedding"?

mikesboo23

I think certain states have common law marriages.  Ours does not. I think most people were not trying to hurt her feelings, just telling her that if she tries to get away with keeping a marrage secret for a year it's going to backfire.  Most people would be more hurt by her trying to get away with that than just telling them what she was really doing.Personally, if they've lived together 4 years already then I don't see why another year would kill them.  We had the issue with health care, DH didn't have any and I couldn't put him on mine till we were married.  He just got his own outside of his work, and although it was more expensive it worked fine for the year that he needed it. As PP said, most people (I didn't say all) would be really ticked or hurt if they found out that they paid that much money to be there or to be in the wedding or to give her nice gifts when they find out she lied and they've already been married a year.  I would be extremely mad if I spent my hard earned money on a wedding gift or BM dress for someone then found out I was not only not invited to their actual wedding, but that they lied about it.

Lakerchic7272

I know you're getting badgered, but we have really thought about this too.  Just getting courthouse married, but still not living together and continuing to wait for sex until we are married.  It would only help us out with taxes.  But I think we will tough it out.

kae101

I know I'm a little late on this reply and don't usually post here, but this thread caught my attention.  Please do not lie to anyone.  It seems as though it would be very nice to give your immediate family the choice to be there in the courthouse and witness your marriage.  My uncle and his wife told everyone they were going on a vacation one year.  When they returned home, they told everyone "by the way, that was our honeymoon. We got married right before we left."  To tell you my grandparents were extremely upset would be an understatement.None of us on here know your family or the reason you want to get married right now.  But if having a "big wedding" is important to both sides of your family as you stated, then not having them at your actual wedding (courthouse) would probably devastate them.

Leah&Christian09

In states that do have common law marriage, you have to live together as husband and wife (and present yourself as a married couple) for a period (usually like 7 years). Then you are legally married, and don't need a wedding. It's most commonly used in situations where a couple got married, but there was some issue with the legality of the ceremony and they discover after 20 years that they aren't actually married. It's completely different than Canada's system. Anyway, having a legal ceremony followed by a big fake wedding is tacky, any way you look at it. Doing it and lying about it is just horrible.

jadedecaro

why cant she have a wedding?my parents never had a wedding but they have been married for 20+ years.can they have their first wedding? of course! it's her(the poster) choice.and i think u can have a real wedding, but if u already received gifts at the courthouse wedding then dont ask for another round of the gifts. thats rude.but otherwise it's gonna be fine.

Simply Fated

jadedecaro..."my parents never had a wedding but they have been married for 20+ years.can they have their first wedding? of course!"o.O You only have one first... anything after that is second, third, fourth, etc.... I mean, if you eat one apple and dont' like it, of course you can have a another apple. But that wouldn't be your first apple, it would be your second apple.If your parents are married, they had a wedding. I mean, unless they never got legally married.... A courthouse wedding might not be ideal for everyone, but it's still a wedding. It's a real wedding. Legal and everything.

terbear_86

I realize I am stepping into this one kind of late but I just wanted to say--- regardless of whatever anyone on any board might have to say about not having good enough reasons-- there are many that might not need to be shared. For instance, some people in this economy work in jobs that do not offer Health Insurance benefits and their FI might. There is a big wedding coming up deposits all that happy stuff-- but someone not covered by insurance might need surgery soon. Hence the legal wedding by  JOP and still having a celebration later as planned. Or tax benefits-- or any other number of reasons. However- that being said, if I were personally going to do this wedding and celebration, I would label it a vow renewal and quietly pass word of mouth that the bride and groom had personal reasons for doing it this way. Just my opinion..... Also-- co-workers are just that-- unless you see them on a social basis outside of work. Leave them at work. Let them congratulate you, but u most definitely do not "owe them" an explanation of any kind. The flip side of that though is that you shouldn't expect anything from them either ( gifts,s shower, etc ) .

Leah&Christian09

some people in this economy work in jobs that do not offer Health Insurance benefits and their FI might.Like me.  And as an adult, I had to make a decision and live with the consequences: get married right away and skip the big wedding, or figure out another option for the health insurance and wait until the big wedding to get married.  It doesn't matter what your reasons are.  Once you get married, you are married.  You don't get a do-over wedding b/c you didn't like the first one.

mikesboo23

For instance, some people in this economy work in jobs that do not offer Health Insurance benefits and their FI might. There is a big wedding coming up deposits all that happy stuff-- but someone not covered by insurance might need surgery soon--and again... DH did not have health insurance through work so he got it from an outside company.  We did not get married early just for that reason.  Besides, if someone knows they need surgery or other expensive health coverage, most companies check into that stuff and will not let you add that person.If you want a big wedding then wait till you can afford it, simple as that.  Don't put on a big play and call it a wedding.

smcopp89

You are not alone. People often chose to get married before their actual wedding for various and often beneficial reasons. I myself have contemplated it. In my opinion, a wedding is just a celebration, in which the love of two people is recognized, however, legally a wedding means nothing unless a marriage license is signed. I personally don't have many answers to the questions you have asked, but do think you should look into it further to figure out if it is for you. If you do in fact choose to be married at a courthouse and have a wedding later on, you could plan it so that the celebration itself is on the same day you two legally became husband and wife. I do hope your questions are answered and your worries eased! Best wishes!

rands09

First off, good luck with whatever you decide to do! I actually had a situation like this with a friend (whom myself and most of our friends don't really communicate with - whole 'nother story!)But here it goes: I receive a STD in the mail from my friend. She had moved to another state, and over time we just communicated less and less, but still wished each other well. I was really excited to learn that she was getting married, and also, they were having a destination wedding in the Carribean!Shortly thereafter, I receive an email from her (sent to me and several other friends) announcing that she was pregnant, and then I really got excited - a wedding and a new baby - wow!So, anyway time goes by, people are planning to go the Carribean for the wedding, when one of my friends called me and during the course of conversation it comes out the she and her husband had already been married for 2 months, but that she wanted to have her "dream wedding" in the Carribean before she started showing too much. I was like, WTF? No issue with her wanting her dream wedding, but it wasn't the same knowing that we weren't going to witness a "wedding", really more like a "vow renewal". A lot of invitees were a bit miffed that my friend and her DH did not plan to tell anyone about the previous marriage. To add insult to injury, we found out that she had actually had a full small ceremony/reception for "family and close friends" in her home state. You can imagine how those of us who weren't considered "close friends" felt. Not close enough to attend the actual wedding, but ok to travel out of the country, on our dime, and support her "dream wedding".In the end, they ended up cancelling the destination dream wedding, because a lot of the second tier invitees declined. I'm not saying they were right or wrong - as in your case, its what's best for the couple. But I guess the moral of my long but true story is to tell folks in someway that you are married, but just having a second ceremony. Chances are they will be equally as excited for you and support you still. By not telling them, it is very possible that many will feel used and lied to...just my humble opinion. Good Luck!!!