How do I get my Fiancee more into wedding planning?

Future_Mrs.James

My Fiancee is not into wedding planning at all, the other day I had to beg him to pick our wedding colors from the colors I picked and then when we started going over wedding music he kept joking around with it. And he still hasn't looked over our registry! He later admitted to me that he wanted me to have my dream wedding and that he didn't care if I picked out everything myself because he's just happy marrying me (he just wants to pick out the food). I want him to have a say in our wedding through. It's his day as much as it's mine so how can I get him to be more into planning our wedding?

SarahPLiz

Whoa, put the brakes on for a minute. Your wedding is in 2011 and you are picking out music and making a regsitry? I think one BIG reason he is not into it is because its too early. While you might want to get a jump on planning, 600+ days of wedding excitement is probably not on his list of most desired activities. Its hard to be excited for that long, even for those of us who are planning it. You should definitely wait until you are closer to the wedding and use TK checklists to make sure covering everything in the right time period. Styles and people change in 18 months, and music tastes can change daily. There is no reason he has to make these decisions now. When you actually start looking at vendors and booking them (starting about a year out), then consult him on everything. He may choose not to be involved, but that's because he is a boy. Most boys I know that get into party planning are not interested in marrying women. I'm just sayin.. for your FI to not be into planning a party that is 18 months away is in no way abnormal. Right now would be a good time to set a budget and actually start saving towards it. Maybe envision the big elements and prioritize the elements that are most important, but wait on any definite decisions until closer to the actual day.

trix1223

Good catch Sarah. OP: you have a fiance, not a fiancee. And it's way too early to be dealing with specifics like the ones you reference. Get the big stuff: ceremony site and venue site out of the way, and that's about all you need to do now. As it gets closer, your FI may get more involved. And if not, see if there's ONE area that he really cares about: bar? food? cake? and have him take care of that. If he doesn't care, he doesn't care and you'll only come across as a nag if you keep hounding him.

Anon I. Mouse

You can't MAKE him get into something (this goes not just for wedding planning by the way).I will be honest...I am not into picking colours and music and all that either. FI and I are planning a very small, informal and laid-back wedding, together, and he actually does more planning than I, but if we actually were getting concerned about colours (don't have a theme and just randomly decide what we like - neither of us are afraid of lots of colours) and registries (not having one and have asked for no gifts as it is a DW and people are spending money to travel there), I think we would both be bored silly and disinterested.And, if you really are not getting married until 2011 it is way too early anyway. Spend more time having fun and getting to know one another better, rather than trying to bully him into picking out "colours".

jeannigirl

First of all men just are not concerned about all those details, their may be that select few that are really into the whole wedding thing. You are going to get very frustrated if he is already balking at choosing colors and you begging him is not going to change that fact. So he told you what he was wanting to help with so just let him do that. I know my FI is also not into all those details has he is more focused on making the money to take care of keeping a roof over the head and bills paid and money for the wedding. Don't look at it has he is disinterested, I had to also look at it through his eyes and understand that their are things that he needs to take of and their are things that I can take care of. Asking our man's input is ok but they don't want to talk wedding and see all that laying 24/7. You do have along time before your wedding and men will get burned out very easily. I would just put it on a back burner for now and just enjoy each other for awhile. You can decide on the budget how much you both agree on spending for this one day. If you want some help we can help you thats what the Knot is all about.

jbwed1

Men DO get burnt out easily...sooo very true. Everytime I bring up something wedding related, my fiance says "I'm really excited that you are excited...but I worry you are  not going to be able to carry on being THIS excited for the next 12 months!" My over-enthusiasm is often shocking to him. He's a super laid back kind of guy, and just wants to be my husband - the planning is not as important to him as the end result.  Men are more 'big picture' types, while women love the nitty gritty details of everything. Finally I figured out that my guy really enjoys picking the music. He sat down one Sat. and began searching for music...spent the entire day at the computer. So that's now HIS job I say, whatever your man shows interest in, let him take that over (it sounds like that's food, in your case) It will make things easier on you, and he'll be doing something he actually enjoys. However, if you are getting married in 2011...relax for awhile. You have PLENTY of time.

aerinpegadrak

While we were scouting out venues, I polled him on what he cared about and what he didn't.  Flowers?  Don't care.  Invitations?  Cares a little.  Food?  Cares a lot.  So I'm doing flowers without his input, narrowing down the invitations myself and then deciding on the finalists together, and letting him have the run of the menu.Wedding planning isn't all THAT complicated.  The only reason it takes 1 year+ is that venues and vendors can book up that far in advance.  Once you get your big stuff set, you'll find that you have pretty much nothing to do until you have to start deciding little stuff at about the 6 month mark.  If you get all of your little stuff done that early too, you're going to drive yourself nuts, because you'll start second guessing and changing things.Put the wedding magazines down.  Step away.  Designate "wedding" and all related words as curse words in your house, and set up a swear jar.  Every time you mention the wedding, you have to put a dollar in the jar.  Either you'll break yourself of the habit, or you'll save up a nice chunk of change for the wedding.  Win-win.

jenn.daniel

I say it is NOT to early to start planning. You can absolutely decide on location, and start looking at other vendors as well. Men don't multitask well. Let him research caterers since he's interested. After that's done, see if he wants to look into cake. One thing at a time.

goheels05

It's not too early to start planning as in selecting your venue and hiring vendors that get booked up quickly like photographers, but it's way way way too early to be registering and picking colors and music.  If you pick colors now, what if you change your mind?  What if you find that there are no bridesmaids dresses in the color you like in a style that's flattering for your bridesmaids?  I suggest you take a deep breath, get your venues booked, and then just spend some time enjoying being engaged.  Maybe do e-pics, do some looking online, maybe even start a planning bio, but you can't demand that your FI care about mundane details like wedding colors and music.  If he doesn't care, why try to force it?  He can help you later on when you nail down the budget, taste food and cakes, book a block of hotel rooms, meet with your minister, etc.  My husband was very helpful, but not because I forced him.  We split stuff up based on our interests--he knows more about music than I do, so he worked with our organist and violinist to nail down the scores.  He was also good at setting up appointments for us to visit venues and meet with vendors.  But he couldn't care less if our colors were orange and brown or black and blue, as long as our colors weren't NC State red he was happy (kidding).

kaynix21

I agree with a lot of these posts...it's WAY to early for him to even remotely be concerned with a lot this. You're nearly two years away from you wedding, the only things you should (IMO) is maybe book the location if you have a specific one in mind...but wow. He might be a little more interested in about a year or so... And if he's not, he's not. With FI, he's not really up on the planning. Occasionally he has a random thought or idea and we talk about it. Otherwise, I say, hey, do you have a minute for wedding stuff. I have a question. Or, look at this please, do you have problems, questions, concerns or do you like it? And that's that. Men aren't always into this kind of stuff. And if you're overwhelemd (which you shouldn't be yet) then tell him you need help.

zitiqueen

Threaten to withhold the sexy-time. That always works.

jeannigirl

Zitiqueen: I presume your comment was a funny. Withholding anything would be a great piece of advice if you didnt get your way.

brownhenry

I posted the same question a few months ago. Basically everyone said that I'm jsut supposed to leave him be but I didn't. I just gave him tasks. Things I knew that he would want to be a certain way. He gets to pick the DJ and book the Honeymoon. He also gets a say in choosing the caterer because as long as he gets to eat something he is happy. You need to be patient with them and give small tasks. They really could care less about what colors you want. They also figure that they did their part... they asked you to marry them lol

tinkerbell.katie81

If he isn't into flowers or color schemes, don't force it. My FI couldn't care less about the centerpieces or the colors of the bridesmaid dresses. Whenever I brought it up, he would just roll his eyes at me. There ARE things that he is interested in, such as the venue, DJ, honeymoon and food, and he certainly put his two cents in there. Once you delegate some portions of it to share with him and others to keep to yourself/bridesmaids/mom/etc you'll find that you both are much happier. He's a guy. Most guys just aren't going to get all fluttery over table linens, and that is OK. It will still be the perfect day for both of you and he'll be psyched to have input into the parts he actually cares about.

sushimona

It's waaaaaay too early you should relax and leave him alone my fiancee did not care abou tanything as long as I was happy - why do you want your future husband to be concerned with flowers, colours and arrangements etc?That's all girly stuff and totally boring for a grown man. Who cares what he thinks, he just wants peace, trust me!