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Groom's Mother on Invitation

Am I wrong to have not included my fiance's mother on the invitation?  My parents are paying for everything and are the official hosts of the wedding.  I know times have changed as to who you put on the invites, but my parents are old school and wanted just them to be on the invitations also I asked my fiance about his preference for the wording and he agreed to the way we had it printed.When we gave his mother the invitation, she got very upset and later told me that it upset her that she wasn't on the invitation.  Did I have to put her on the invitation?  I was doing just what I have traditionally seen on wedding invitations and not trying to step on anyone's toes.  She is not contributing at all, but just adding to the guest list of the already over budgeted for people.  Her biggest complaint was that when her friends received the invite, they wouldn't know who it was.  I included an insert with directions to the wedding site and numbers (including hers) that people could reach if they needed anything.As far as I am concerned, I did nothing wrong, but his mother can't seem to let it go!!!
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Re: Groom's Mother on Invitation

  • Yes, IMO, I think you were wrong.  I don't think it would have hurt anything at all to put your FI's name on the invite followed by "Son of Marge Simpson".The name on the invitation really doesn't have anything to do with who's paying.  I think that's very, very old school etiquette and has gone, as it should have, by the wayside.This is the woman who raised the man you love enough to spend the rest of your life with.  I think it was disrespectful.  You could have saved the problem with "together with their families" or "Together with their parents"...... if you didn't want to list specific names.I don't know how you fix it, but groveling might be a good start.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • The way it got explained to me (When I asked my mom about whether or not I was including names on the invites) was that who ever is paying for the wedding gets listed. Since FI and I are footing the entire bill, we are the hosts, and therefore, didn't need to put any parent names on there unless we wanted to (Which, my mom encouraged us to actually not list anybody).Nowadays, "Together with their parents" is becoming more popular, but honestly, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.And as far as her friends "not knowing who the invite was for" goes: if her friends don't know her own son's name (I'd like to think you put your own names on there, lol), then clearly, they aren't very good friends who probably shouldn't even be invited.Long story short: I don't think you did anything wrong, and she needs to get over it.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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  • Traditionally, the bride's parents are hosting the wedding, and their names go at the top. The groom traditionally is not still living at home, so he is a man in his own independent right - so his parents' names do not go on the invitation. (If your FI *is* still living at home being fully supported by his parents, then perhaps you should have included his parents' names.) Traditionally, wedding invitations only have the groom's parents' names on it if they are hosting the wedding because the bride's parents are deceased or because the bride's parents do not approve of the marriage. Some Knotties say that they are putting the groom's parents' names under the groom's name on the invitation, but that is usually only in the case that the mother of the groom has remarried and has a different last name from her son now. I personally have only seen one wedding invitation with the groom's parents' names on it. It was the wedding of my friend Jenny, and the groom's parents' names were on the very top line as hosts of the wedding, because Jenny's parents did not approve of the wedding and they were not coming.
  • I've seen: "Together with their parents", just the couple's name, or the bride's parents names first. I don't think you did anything wrong. It follows tradition and she's not paying for anything. Having all parent's names on the invite gets too crowded. If people get the invitation and don't know who it is you shouldn't worry. These are not people you want at your wedding anyway. (This actually happened to us and was our way of proving that FMIL's guest list was insane lol).
  • You have to pick your battles. Did you *need* to put her name on the invite? No. Would it have been nice gesture to have at least asked her for her input or discussed the wording with her prior to printing and mailing them? Probably.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    My parents paid for my wedding also.   Our invitations had my parents on the first line requesting the honor of their presence to the wedding of their daughter.  Then my MIL's name was under DH's name as 'son of'.Personally I like to see the groom's parent's name on the invitation.  And there is a way to do it without the bride's parents 'losing' the top spot.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • If your FI agreed with the wording, then no, you didn't do anything wrong. He should have brought it up with HIS mother to see what her preference was.Technically, you didn't do anything wrong. I've seen invitations done with just the brides parents listed, and with both sets of parents. Don't worry about it. What's done is done and it's too late to worry about it now. If something is said, then your FI should handle it. She is, afterall, his mother.
  • I still see nothing wrong with what I put on my invites.  I am old school and so are my parents.  When I have a daughter and she gets married and we pay for her wedding and we are hosting it, I don't want her future husband's parents on the invitation.The thing that hurt me the most was that she didn't get mad at my fiance's brother and sister in law who just got married a few months ago.  His sister in law's parents paid for the wedding as did the couple and my fiance's mother was NOT on the invitation, yet nothing was said to them.  I don't really particularly care if her friends don't know who we are when they get the invitation.  They should know who her son is and she should be talking with them that we are getting married.  I don't know who these people are.  I thought it was nice enough that I was letting her invite over 20 people to the wedding, which is more than my parents are inviting, which is about a third of our wedding invitations.Some of you say that it's old school and that her name should be on it.  Well, I'm old school.  I discussed it with my parents and with my fiance and it was agreed on the wording.  I've gotten multiple wedding invites recently and they all have just the bride's parents.  I don't understand the damn big deal.  She will be acknowledged every where else in the wedding and program and announcements, but my parents are the one paying for everything and hosting this wedding.  Can't help it if I am old school!
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  • Oh and thank you for all of your responses.  I appreciate them all ladies!
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  • Oh and fiance and I live together.  He, nor I, live at home with our parents still.
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  • IMO, if your FI told you that it was ok, then he needs to be the one answering to his upset mother.
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  • I don't think you did anything wrong at all.Your parents are the hosts and they are issuing the invitations so the usual or old school wording is  fine.I still haven't seen "son of" on a wedding invitation other than the one where the groom's parents were co hosting.I think "son of" is a relatively new thing on invitations but we didn't use it and his parents didn't expect it.Last point is that your FI said it was fine so her b!tch should be with him, valid point or not
  • * and for the comment about very, very, old school etiquette, please go towww.cranes.comfor the correct form
  • I do think that what you did was a slight.    It's one thing not to list the parents because you thought that was appropriate but it's another to imply that the only thing your FI's mother is doing is contributing to the over-budgeted guest list and therefore she doesn't deserve credit.     Not listing her isn't "bad" but I think you're starting off on the wrong foot by using her actions as justification for yours.FWIW, what's done is done.  FI and you now get to apologize for the slight and let her know you still love her.  List her in the program please.
  • So why exactly did you bother asking:Am I wrong to have not included my fiance's mother on the invitation? It does appear that you only wanted validation for your very public slight of your FI's mom.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Manda, if you did exactly what your future in laws did, I don't understand her issue.However I do wonder how you'll feel if you and your FI have only sons.
  • I am kind of in the same bind. My parents are paying for our wedding. I am working on the invites now. Since I have never been married, I had no clue how to word the invites so I got on like 4 different etiquette sites to find the proper way. Every site said to put who the host is on the invite which is who is paying the majority. So I have put my parents name and no inlaws names. I asked my FI if he thinks his parents will get offended but he said no. I am still a little nervous to let his mom see the invitation.
  • Also, to the pps that said "together with our parents", I'm just realizing that if you had done that, her "friends" still wouldn't see her name on there, and therefore (apparently) still wouldn't know who's wedding they were invited to.Which again, if they're such good "friends", her son's name should be sufficient. Otherwise, I really don't understand why they're even invited.Then again, as foot-er of my whole bill, I was very adamant that everybody invited BETTER know who's wedding they were attending based on the names on the invite (Which were just mine and FI's).

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  • I think Symphony has the right idea. Obviously say it nice. But yeah, if this bothers her THAT much, she should be willing to pay to rectify it.

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  • You did nothing wrong.  My parents are paying for my wedding and the invitations just have their name on them.  Your FI's mother's friends should know who the wedding is for.  My invitations have my FI full name on it, so people should know what wedding, since all of them know we are engaged to begin with.  Whether or not it is "old school" doesn't matter.  Your parents are hosting the party.  My future MIL is hosting the rehearsal dinner and her name is going on that invitation, not my parents and they are not upset at all, they are not hosting so they don't go on it.
  • Honestly it doesn't even matter if you were right or wrong. The fact is, you hurt her feelings (whether you think her feelings are justified is a different story & irrelevant IMO) so you can either apologize and make peace or not. She's your FMIL and if this is the type of relationship you want to have with her than that's your call. You're the one that has to deal with her for a very long time.
  • I don't think you did anything wrong.  It would be different if the inlaws contributed to the wedding.  Frankly, I think it's rude they did not contribute monetarily.  It's old school to assume the bride's parents pay for the whole wedding.  More and more brides and grooms are paying for their own wedding and the parents of the bride and groom will contribute what they can.  My fiance and I are paying for the majority our own wedding.  Both my parents and my fiance's parents are contributing small amounts of money and therefore we will put both of their names on the invitation as a gesture to thank them for their generosity.  I would have purposely kept the groom's parents off the invitation just as you did.  If they bring it up again, tell them you put the names of the people who generously contributed financially to your big day.
  • I am also nervous about the invite wording because technically, only those who are contributing should be listed.  Yes it is tradional, but I'm pretty sure my parents would be miffed if everyone thought we all split costs evenly when that is totally not the case.  I don't think you did anything wrong according to the guidelines. Now depending on how much room we have, we may be able to include "son of", but space could be an issue as both of his parents are divorced & remarried.  I feel bad not saying My parents and His parents invite you to....and there are no hard feelings anywhere that his parents aren't able to contribute financially to the wedding, but we will probably follow tradition on this one. 
    Crosswalk
  • If you decide to resolve this using JessicaBoston's method, I am going to be you literally a million dollars that not only will that NOT go over well, but that the chances of you EVER having more than a barely-civil relationship w/ your in-laws will be slim to none.

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  • We did "together with their parents" because our invitation is small and with all the divorces and remarriages, we didn't have room for nine names including ours.  On the advice of someone here (or maybe P&E) I'm going to do a mock-up with all of the names so if anyone complains, I can show them how silly it would have looked.  If we had chosen a larger invitation though, I would have put on all of the names.It doesn't matter whether you think that you did anything wrong or not.  If she's insulted and/or hurt, then you should apologize to keep the peace.  You don't even have to apologize for leaving her name off, but you should apologize for not consulting her and hurting her feelings.What you do now will set the tone for your relationship with this woman for the rest of your lives.  Tread carefully.
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  • If my fiance and I have all sons then I would be perfectly fine with having our future daughter in law's parents on the invitation.  Her parents would be the hosts!I asked for people's opinions!!  This is a forum.  That's what forums are for.  Not for validations of my actions, but for what others did and what other have experienced and what others have seen!  Excuse me for wanting to get opinions for other.  And how exactly is this a "very public slight"?  I thought our wording was just fine and wanted other opinions.  Again, I see nothing wrong with what we put on our invites.  I just wanted to see what others said!  Goodness!I have apologized to her, saying I did not mean to hurt her feelings or step on her toes, but that I was doing it the way I was always taught to do so and have always seen it done.  I told her that traditionally that is how it is.I do of course intend to put her in the program, make it known who she is at the wedding throughout the ceremony in a special thing we are doing and reception during introductions, and of course in the announcement.  She has already been mentioned in the engagement announcement because that is how they are traditionally written.
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  • Oh and we got our first RSVP today which happened to be from one of her friends, and they knew who we were even with out her on there!
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  • Honestly, we included all the parents' names on the invites because I knew not doing so would start this kind of drama.  While I think it would've been a nice gesture to seek her input what is done is done.  Have your FI handle his mother.
  • Manda, People are brutal on here when you just want opinions, that is why I don't post too often. I am in the same bind and I don't think you did anything wrong. She should of contributed to the wedding if she wanted credit.
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