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How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)

First, please let me state for the record I LOVE my FI more than anything and we have been with each other through weightl oss and weight gain providing unconditional love.  However, at the ripe age of 10 years old I experienced watching my father fall to my feet at the age of 34 after suffering a major heart attack and not knowing for 4 days if my father would live or die. 

That being said; 2 years ago my FI was a very competitive road biker.  He has never (nor will ever be a small guy).  When he was biking and living a healthy lifestyle he weighed in around 230-250lbs.  While competing in a race, he wrecked and fractured his collar bone in five place and had to have surgery. 

Six months after that he had to transfer to a different city for work. Since the accident 2 years ago, losing his routine of working out and the move my FI put on 50-60 lbs.  When he proposed in Nov 2011, we both decided that we would put for the effort to get healthy (eat healthier, workout, and de-stress).  He set a goal of losing 60 lbs before our wedding which is Nov 2012.  I set a goal of losing 10 lbs and toning up.  Since then I have lost 13 lbs and really toned up.  I have cooked more and provided us with healthier food/snack options at home (we tend to have very different schedules and it is often very easy for both of us to just "grab something quick").  I even went as for as purchasing a gym membership in our neighborhood that we moved to in Feb 2012 as a gift for him.  The gym is open 24/7 and he can use any of their locations so he can use the location that is very close to his office.

My FI has gained 12 more pounds since proposing.  Granted he travels a ton for work, but he doesn't stay at low end motels.  He is in the music business and all of the hotels that he stays in have gyms.  When he is home, he will stay up all hours of the night (because he is a night-owl) and watch tv/play video games with his brothers who live out of state.  I get it, that is his thing, that is a way that he can de-stress.  But it also upsets me when he says he doesn't have time to go to the gym.  The gym is opened 24 hours a day, so while he is up at midnight watching tv or playing games, he could technically utilize that time to go to the gym. 

I have also noticed he is breathing heavier, sweating more and having issues with heartburn/acid reflux way more often than he used to.  I am scared for his health.  Having experienced such a traumatic event with my father so early on in life has me super scared for him and for myself.

I will say, I am not the most compassionate person.  I am knowing for being pointblank honest to people about my feelings and do not really believe in sugar coating anything.  However, I cannot imagine how hurt I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.  So I don't say anything and I can feel the resentment growing.  It is to the point where people notice the "big guy with the in shape girl" and someone actually made the comment to a friend of ours "well she is obviously with him for his money and connections" which is hardly the case.  I have been with him for sometime well before either of those things came into the picture.  I am just about at my wits end though and I am truly worried it will start to impact our relationship because I feel like I am not being totally honest with him in regards to my feelings.

I know many people will reply with "well just workout together."  I play a sport that requires me to workout 3-5 days a week already.  He and I maintain two very different schedules and while I wish that would be an option I just do not see how it could be.  We both also have two very different workout routines, while he is more a gym & bike guy; I am more of a physical contact & yoga/dance person.

I truly hope that I have not offended anyone with this post.  I am not a shallow person.  I have struggled with weight in my past and I am genuinely in love with my FI.  I am just scared for him and really do not know how to speak on this subject with him without coming across as cold and hurtful.
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Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-do-you-motivate-your-fi-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:13f565e3-915a-46fb-ab7e-b5b5c2013ca8Post:677dc60f-3d7b-44de-8c4c-f64809b2f83c">Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE] I noticed you said he stays up at night playing games.  Is he getting enough sleep?  I've seen studies that concluded people who don't get a full night's sleep are more likely to be overweight.
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

    He actually does.  Like I said we have very different schedules.  While I am in the office at 0630.  He normally doesn't go into work until 1000-1030.
    Make jokes. No stress. Love. Live. Life. Proceed. Progress.
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    You can't make someone lose weight unless they want to. You can keep healthy food in the house, give him gym memberships or personal trainers but you can't force him to work out or not eat junk food. 

    If you are truly worried about his health, you should encourage him to get a full physical. There is a difference between losing weight to look sexy and losing weight to not die. Be supportive, but let him know that you are concerned about his health and want to live a long life with him. 
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    The Hubstache and I do Weight Watchers together. That may be an easier plan for him to handle since he travels a lot. He might be able to better see the types of food he's putting into his body if he sticks to tracking.

    Otherwise, and I know you said everyone is going to say this so here you go, those moments when your schedule does overlap? Go for a walk together. Dance together. Do something. It doesn't have to be go to the gym and yell in a German accent (also acceptable). It can just be something fun and active.

    There's only so much you can do. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him stop eating Cheetos. Continue to be a good influence, maybe encourage him to see a doctor for a physical and discuss nutrition/exercise, and that's really all you can do.
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    Has he seen a doctor recently?  If not, tell him that you are concerned about his health and ask him to make an appointment.  The doctor will say something to him and make sure there isn't something like a thyroid problem.
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    I completely understand your frustration with this, my FI and I also made an agreement we would try to eat healthier and workout more not just for the wedding but for ourselves. I've never been overweight and never really struggled with getting in shape bc I've always wanted to be active in sports and such but he never played sports and has no desire to go to the gym. It's a struggle to get him motivated to go to the gym with me and sometimes I just go alone rather than have to push him into it. He isn't very overweight but he has a history of heart disease in his family and for this reason alone I want to keep him heart healthy. I am content with his coming to the gym one day a week to appease me bc it is ultimately to his benefit and although it is usually a pain in the a to get him there, I will never stop pushing him to be healthy bc I want him around as long as humanly possible and tell him this often. This is usually when he softens and gets his gym clothes on : perhaps if u phrase it in that way he might be a little more receptive? Most people don't want to be told they are fat or NEED to hit the gym. But if you tell him that his health is just as important to you as it should be to him then he may just begin to see that his decisions effect you. No yelling, no name calling, just encouragement.
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    My FI and I do Weight Watchers together.  We both had a decent amount of weight to lose and now we're happily in the maintenance/lifetime phase of WW.  When I decided that I wanted to join it was something that I knew would also benefit him.  At the time we both had high blood pressure and needed to lose weight for our health.  To motivate him I told him that I was going to WW either way but that I could really use his support with exercise and eating right.  I think initially he started to help me but he realized that he needed to do this for himself too.  Together we lost over 50 lbs each last year and we no longer have high blood pressure.  Bottomline, it may help for him to think he's making these changes to help you, but it will only last if he realizes that he's doing it to help himself too.

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    runpipparunrunpipparun member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2012
    I know this will sound ridiculous, but clicker train him. 

    WHA?!!

    When he makes a good choice, give him positive reinforcement. Ignore all the poor behaviors. (Look up clicker training if you're unfamiliar. It's how they train dolphins, dogs, etc.)

    I did this with my FI, and he has since cut out sweet tea, soda, fast food (except for Subway), chips. In 8 months, he has lost ~20 lbs, by cutting that sh!t out ALONE. Scary.

    ETA: I run marathons and slightly harp about healthy eating, so when he makes good choices, I'm all, "Yay!" and I give him a kiss. With tongue. It makes him happy. Because when he mentions that he has gotten Hardee's, I'm a grump.
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    I think it's fine to express concern about his health to FI and suggest he see a doctor. I don't think that would be harping but genuine concern for someone you love. If H was really worried about my health, I would hope he would say something and encourage me to see a professional. I do think seeing a Doc is the #1 step especially if he does decide to start on an exercise plan.

    I know you said working out together is not really an option. Would you be able to even take walks together? If you walk briskly and include some hills it can be a good workout but it's still fun.

    Maybe make it a joint effort. Suggest that you BOTH need to eat healtheir (even if you already do) and if he is competitive at all maybe make a competition to see who can eat the healthiest meals for a week or two weeks or whatever.

    Ultimately you can't make him get healthy; it is a choice he has to make. But I would suggest he see a doctor. You don't have to make it about weight, but if he hasn't seen a physician in awhile, just say that you think it's a good idea if you both start getting yearly check-ups to make sure everything is as it should be.


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    gmcr78gmcr78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-do-you-motivate-your-fi-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:13f565e3-915a-46fb-ab7e-b5b5c2013ca8Post:050be36f-0360-4dc4-a299-f9fa41447e99">Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know this will sound ridiculous, but clicker train him.  WHA?!! When he makes a good choice, give him positive reinforcement. Ignore all the poor behaviors. (Look up clicker training if you're unfamiliar. It's how they train dolphins, dogs, etc.) I did this with my FI, and he has since cut out sweet tea, soda, fast food (except for Subway), chips. In 8 months, he has lost ~20 lbs, by cutting that sh!t out ALONE. Scary. ETA: I run marathons and slightly harp about healthy eating, so when he makes good choices, I'm all, "Yay!" and I give him a kiss. With tongue. It makes him happy. Because when he mentions that he has gotten Hardee's, I'm a grump.
    Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

    Dying.  This is hilarious, and oh so sneaky.  I'm going to try this out to get my FI to clean more.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-do-you-motivate-your-fi-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:13f565e3-915a-46fb-ab7e-b5b5c2013ca8Post:050be36f-0360-4dc4-a299-f9fa41447e99">Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know this will sound ridiculous, but clicker train him.  WHA?!! When he makes a good choice, give him positive reinforcement. Ignore all the poor behaviors. (Look up clicker training if you're unfamiliar. It's how they train dolphins, dogs, etc.) I did this with my FI, and he has since cut out sweet tea, soda, fast food (except for Subway), chips. In 8 months, he has lost ~20 lbs, by cutting that sh!t out ALONE. Scary. ETA: I run marathons and slightly harp about healthy eating, so when he makes good choices, I'm all, "Yay!" and I give him a kiss. With tongue. It makes him happy. Because when he mentions that he has gotten Hardee's, I'm a grump.
    Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

    Pippa, I'm happy this works for you but DH pulls this kind of crap on me and it only succeeds in pissing me off. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-do-you-motivate-your-fi-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:13f565e3-915a-46fb-ab7e-b5b5c2013ca8Post:f41acf22-86ed-4c8a-9afb-66a5337ed806">Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry) : Dying.  This is hilarious, and oh so sneaky.  I'm going to try this out to get my FI to clean more.
    Posted by gmcr78[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>FI is dying as well, because he knows it's true. :) He's sitting here eating my Lebanese lentil and collard green soup, which I'm skipping in favor of a bunch of carbs, since I'm doing for Relay for Life tonight. I'm going to try to run 40 miles in 12 hours. FI will carry me home afterward. Aaaawwwww.
    </div>
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    edited June 2012
    Honestly, FI could both stand to lose a few pounds. We've both had weight fluctuations and frankly I find him just as sexy as ever. We both took a weightlifting class together and lost a few inches. (I ignore the scale, so long as I'm not at risk for diabetes or heart disease I could care less what the number is)

    We both have had the talk that if either of us take steps to lose weight we'll be completely supportive of each other but we love each other exactly the way we are now. I think actually the most weight he had gained was after we started dating because he would come by my house all the time and get fed regular meals. He loves my cooking!

    ETA: FI and I could both stand to lose a few pounds.
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    runpipparunrunpipparun member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-do-you-motivate-your-fi-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:13f565e3-915a-46fb-ab7e-b5b5c2013ca8Post:283d4a56-dbb3-446f-805d-d17987e2b634">Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry) : Pippa, I'm happy this works for you but DH pulls this kind of crap on me and it only succeeds in pissing me off. 
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Well, what makes it work is that it's something he knows needs to change, and he wants to make me happy, and I'm offering him something that makes him happy. And the fact that the weight comes off is more positive reinforcement.</div><div>
    </div><div>Which is why I think it would work in this situation. OP's FI probably isn't happy being the way he is. He just needs some gentle encouragement. A frank conversation about health is a good start, and simple plan of action (like cutting out sweetened beverages), followed by "clicker training" would be a good idea to try. You don't have to make it overt. Just gently "reinforce" the times he does things correctly, and don't nag when he does things wrong. If it goes well, then start changing other things -- cutting down on carbs and increasing proteins and veggies.</div><div>
    </div><div>It's what I did with FI. Granted, he is very easy to talk to, never took offense, and only weighed 170 (5'6) when he started. (But his eating habits were atrocious, his weight was soley around his middle -- dangerous -- and his parents are both obese.)</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: I should mention that what worried me was 1) his HR compared to mine, 2) his BP, and 3) looking at pictures of him from the previous few years, he had steadily gained weight throughout his twenties. So while 170 isn't tremendously heavy, it's much easier to keep weight off than have to lose it later.</div>
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    Is isn't it better to praise someone, than to nag them when they don't do what you want.

    "Clicker training" is simply the branded title for employing positive reinforcement, and not using any negative punishment (which is hard, as, like I said, I grump when FI eats fast food). I figured it would be a shorter way to explain it. I'm sorry it offended you. But it is something people use not just for animals anymore. There are books on "clicker training" children. Whether I agree with not using any negative punishment with children, or not, I dunno, but... there it is.
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    mhogbergmhogberg member
    First Comment
    edited June 2012
    Also does he have issues with depression/anxiety, this can also effect weight gain/loss, so like many before have stated have him see a dr.
    Junebride12
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_how-do-you-motivate-your-fi-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:13f565e3-915a-46fb-ab7e-b5b5c2013ca8Post:ad94420d-3085-4fed-8f69-1c24ccfcbbb5">Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is isn't it better to praise someone, than to nag them when they don't do what you want. "Clicker training" is simply the branded title for employing positive reinforcement, and not using any negative punishment (which is hard, as, like I said, I grump when FI eats fast food). I figured it would be a shorter way to explain it. I'm sorry it offended you. But it is something people use not just for animals anymore. There are books on "clicker training" children. Whether I agree with not using any negative punishment with children, or not, I dunno, but... there it is.
    Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

    It's pretty disrespectful.  I am not a dog a dolphin or a child and DH has stopped pulling this crap because he realized how disrespectful it is.  It usually went on while he was training for a marathon.  What I really resented is that it makes me feel like a child when I am "rewarded" for eating behavior that DH likes and "punished with an attitude" for what he doesn't like.  If I want to go out by myself and have a damn chik-fil-a sandwich once or twice a month, I should be able to do that without an eyeroll or him pouting at his bowl of rice and broccoli.
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    FI and I know we are both out of shape. I brought up how I want us to be able to do all the things that we want to do on our honeymoon since most of the activities we are planning are really active things. He agreed but going to the gym every night isn't something that works for us. We've tried it. We are good for a week or so and then we slowly stop going. So we decided to do one fun and active thing together each week. It serves as a sort of date day for us. We have a list of ideas and we alternate who chooses what we are doing. I wanted to try a zumba class and he went so long as I went to the batting cages the next week. (BTW he actually has suggested going back to zumba!) This works well for us. Especially since school, work, house hunting, and wedding planning were starting to take over our lives. So what if our dates aren't dinner and a movie? Instead we take a bike ride to the beach and bring a picnic lunch! And he has lost 10 lbs since we started!

     

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    SB1512SB1512 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Sort of in the same boat as other posters here.  FI is by no means overweight, but he has gained about 10 pounds since we started dating (2yrs ago).  It doesn't sound like a lot, but he's not very tall (5'7") and in conjunction with this small weight gain, he has also experienced large increases in back pain.  Turns out he has 2 herniated discs and while cortisone shots have helped a lot, the MD told him frankly that most of his weight is around his middle and that losing even 5 pounds may produce a decrease in his back pain.  He's not a gym person and b/c of the back pain he wasn't able to go for long walks or hikes, he could really only ride his bike.  However, we made a deal that if the first cortisone shot worked we would look into getting a puppy (which he has been wanting for ages) because I said I was not committing to a dog unless he was going to help with walks, training, playing with it, etc.  Well the cortisone helped with his pain tremendously, and we rescued our pup about 3 weeks ago.  FI and I take him for at least an hour walk every evening and we've gone hinking once......and he's alreay down 3 pounds!  I'm not saying getting a dog is the solution (it's a huge committment) but if it's something you were thinking of anways, getting an active dog is a huge motivator for becoming active yourself.
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    [/QUOTE I am so jealous! I wish we lived that close to a beach........the best we have is a river and we still have to drive to it. And the county filled in our swimming hole :( Edited: because something funky was going on with the quote ]
    Posted by laurelrenee1[/QUOTE]

    Its like a 4 mile ride! Against the wind! It is a good workout though. On the plus side, the wind pushing you on the way back makes it take like 1/3 of the time. Whats weird is we never actually go into the water at the beach. Maybe because we are just so used to it. Going to a river sounds like a blast!

    And what is up with the quote thing right now? Its all strange.

     

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    Like PP said, you can't force anyone into having a desire to lose weight or to successfully lose weight.  We learned in one of my nutrition classes that sitting in front of the TV and/or playing video games actually slows your metabolism.  I think really all you can do is be encouraging when you see him engaging in healthy behaviors and continue to provide healthy foods for meals and snacks.  If you try to force or nag him into this, it will only backfire.
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    In Response to Re: How Do You Motivate Your FI (VERY LONG...sorry):
    [/QUOTE] It is very strange....yeah the river is a good 10 miles away and I'm far too lazy to bike that far :-P it is a good time! I go there with my friend and her kid in the summer. It was way better when the swimming hole was there, but it's still fun :) a 4 mile bike ride is a pretty decent length trek though - do you carry all your beach stuff in a backpack? Edited: to try and fix the quoting again.....let's see if it works! It did not. Fail....
    Posted by laurelrenee1[/QUOTE]

    We have saddle bags that go on our bikes to carry a towel and our food. I tried a backpack but it just weighed me down awkwardly. We used to bike to a university nearby that is about 8 miles away and the last 2 were slightly uphill. It was awful. After that the 4 miles to the beach seems like nothing! Smile

     

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