MOH Issues-

sforney15

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Lukitene

She was dumped by her fiancé, and now you're considering dumping her as well? Nice.  If you need support concerning your wedding, you should probably talk to your FH.

sister2groom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-issues-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1eed2f4f-8fd1-4ce9-95bc-206462d22aaaPost:c139206f-85a0-4e21-9034-56ec890da56a">MOH Issues- NEED ADVICE</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked one of my best friends in the world who is like a sister to me to be my MOH. Unfortunately just before my engagement, her engagement had just come to a screeching hault and was broken off. Although only engaged for a little over a month, she was very in love and incredibly hurt. Since I baecame engaged this last Spring '10, she has been incredibly distant about the subject. I can tell she is not excited to even discuss what's goin on. Our wedding is this upcoming summer, what should I do? I need support, someone who is going to be there and not flake out. Do I ask her to step down and risk hurting our entire friendship or do just simply say from here on there are no labels just bridesmaids and forget my MOH? -Desparate for advice
Posted by sforney15[/QUOTE]

You say she's doesn't want to talk about wedding related stuff. Obviously. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it because she's afraid her sadness about engagement-related topics will cloud your happiness. Imagine if your FI walked out on you today, when would you be able to talk about (and be excited about) someone else's aisle runners and corsages?

Friendships are about give and take. Often when the bride is planning her wedding it's an unusually stressful time so the BMs/MIH will give a little more emotionally. But in this case, right now (since losing a FI is a lot harder than fighting with your ILs over invites) she's just your friend who needs your love and support. It doesn't sound like she's not willing to be your friend and talk to you about other topics. So don't hurt her while she's down by removing her from the BP or taking away her MOH status.

rachael027

I would definitely do everything you can NOT to "dump" her. It sounds like you two are or used to be very close, and if you tell her you don't want her in your wedding anymore, that will completely ruin your friendship.

It sounds like your friend is probably still very, very hurt about her broken engagement. It might be painful for her to listen to all of your planning details right now. I would go have lunch with her and ask her how she is doing...don't mention anything about your own wedding. Just tell her you have noticed she has been distant lately.

BTW, no one is EVER going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. I would try talk to your FI about your wedding plans, or your mom if you two are close. Your MOH is there to support you and help you with some plans, but you can't blame her if she's not as giddy as you'd like for her to be about your wedding.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-issues-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1eed2f4f-8fd1-4ce9-95bc-206462d22aaaPost:c139206f-85a0-4e21-9034-56ec890da56a">MOH Issues- NEED ADVICE</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked one of my best friends in the world who is like a sister to me to be my MOH. Unfortunately just before my engagement, her engagement had just come to a screeching hault and was broken off. Although only engaged for a little over a month, she was very in love and incredibly hurt. Since I baecame engaged this last Spring '10, she has been incredibly distant about the subject.<strong> </strong>I can tell she is not excited to even discuss what's goin on.

<strong>Of course she's not excited to discuss what's going on.  She thought she'd also be planning her own wedding.  It seems that you could be a more understanding friend.  You're in a happy place.  She's not.</strong>

Our wedding is this upcoming summer, what should I do?<strong>
I don't even know what this means?  What do you mean, what should you do?  You should reach out to your friend.  Leave your wedding out of it.  Your ceremony is well over 6 months away.  But your friend needs a friend NOW.
</strong>
 I need support, someone who is going to be there and not flake out.
<strong>You're getting married which is hardly something you need support for.  One needs support when they lose their job;  when they're victims of a violent crime;  when a loved one dies;  you know:  the sad or tragic moments of their life.

 And what will she flake out on? If she gets the dress and walks down the aisle and then holds your flowers, she's done her MOH "job".</strong>

Do I ask her to step down and risk hurting our entire friendship or do just simply say from here on there are no labels just bridesmaids and forget my MOH?
<strong>"Stepping down" or "demoting her" are fancified terms for kicking your friend when she's down.  I can't imagine why you're putting your wedding before a friend.</strong>

-Desparate for advice
<strong>Call your friend up.  Ask her to go Christmas shopping with you.  Go out for coffee.  Be a friend.  Don't talk about your wedding at all.  Try to fix the friendship, not the wedding party.</strong>
Posted by sforney15[/QUOTE]

jerseydevil

Wow. What is there for her to support you on? She's the one who needs support. A broken engagement is a difficult thing to go through. You break up with someone you loved and trusted AND you're not getting married any more, so it's pretty public. She's probably still dealing with people out of the loop asking how her wedding plans are going, bc they didn't know yet. Have you thought of it from that perspective? And maybe she doesn't want to bring you down.

Be a friend and support HER!

jessienjeremy

Why don't you just talk to her. Ask her how she feels or thinks.  Instead of assuming.

aerinpegadrak

Your friend is the one who needs support right now.  You?  Not so much.  If you need "support" to plan a party, you're doing it wrong.

[Deleted User]

You should try to be there for her. She is going through a hard time and you are preparing for a happy time. And listen to Trix, she is very wise.

Despite the fact that she is your MOH, all that she needs to do is order her dress and show up wearing it. If she wants to throw you a bridal shower, bach party, help you with invites, etc then that is fine but completely up to her. Don't ask her or beg her to help you. It is only you and your FI's job to plan your wedding.

SarahPLiz

So you asked her to be your MOH soon after her engagement broke up? Sounds like you might need to be a friend to her first. 

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-issues-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1eed2f4f-8fd1-4ce9-95bc-206462d22aaaPost:cb09ef07-35c1-4544-9164-14328cae760c">Re: MOH Issues- NEED ADVICE</a>:
[QUOTE]You have no idea how similar our situations are, except my moh is plannign her wedding, that is exactly 2 months after mine. She told me the other day she resents me for getting married before her. Im contemplating telling her to forget it as well. Let me know what you decide to do.
Posted by Jackief11[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, you both sound like real classy ladies. To you and the OP, friends are more important than weddings. Friendships last, a wedding is one day. ONE day, not a month, not two.</div>

MyNameIsNot

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

Maybe you should pull your head out of your ass and start being a friend, rather than treating your friend like a prop in your wedding.  She is the one in need of support, not you.  Get over yourself and your wedding.  

jmkes

I'm gonna have to chime in with the other ladies - you said you became engaged right after her engagement went bust, asked her to be your MOH, and now you are peeved because she's not supporting YOU?  Stop a second and see that your friend doesn't want to deal with "wedding" right now.  How would you feel if your engagment suddenly ended and a friend wanted you to talk all things wedding with her? 

If you need support for your wedding look at another lady in your life (mother, aunt, sister) and your FI.  Your wedding is one day, your friendship should last a lifetime.  When she comes to terms with what happened, in her own time not yours, she will be ready to be happy for you.  Give her some space.

flapper2011

I really feel for your friend. My engagement almost ended at one point during a rough patch in our relationship, and I wanted to die. Thankfully we worked things out and stayed together. I can't imagine the hurt and emotional pain she is going through. I can imagine even thinking about weddings would make her extremely depressed. Give her time to heal. Please, don't kick her out of your wedding party. She already was dumped once- don't kill your friendship as well.

Summer2011Bride

I agree with PP's. SHE needs YOU right now, not the other way around. A MOH's duties ONLY include wearing the dress, showing up for the ceremony, and maybe holding your flowers and fixing your train. It doesn't include talking wedding 24/7 or helping with invites or going to appointments. If she WANTS to do those things, awesome! But its' not required. Right now, she needs your support. Talk wedding with your FI and when you're with her, just be a friend. Do friend things like you did before you got engaged. Let her know you're there for her for whatever she needs. When and IF she is ready to talk "wedding" again, she will bring it up and let you know. Please, whatever you do, do NOT demote or kick her out. That is essentially ending your friendship, which is pretty crappy to do over a wedding.

futurepivko

yep, i agree with all PPs. why dont you try being a friend to her first? my sister is MOH, i live in NC and she lives in LV, NV because of her hubby's job.... and you know what? she isnt there to help me pick out my invites, she isnt there to go to my flower appointments. and you know what? IDC and Im not going to kick her out of my MOH because she cant be there to talk wedding 24/7. Shes wearing the dress, showing up at the wedding, holding some flowers and fixing my train. She isnt dropping everything to 'be there for me.' GRACIOUS. if any of your BMs dont take a day off work to go with you to look at venues are they out of the BP?

and JackieF, ignore your friend. I have a friend who introduced me to my FI and is marrying his best friend. FI and I got engaged in Feb, her and her FI got engaged in August (she gave him a deadline...but thats a different story) im getting married in April shes getting married in Oct and gets mad and annoyed and all huffy puffy when i have a 'Check' and shes just started really planning. You know what? I ignore it. shes been my best friend since I was 7 years old, and our families are best friends, and honestly our friendship between us and the one between our families is much more important.

i understand in a way that you were probably trying to cheer her up by giving her a MOH title. FINE. NICE. but please, that is NOT important right now. Shes probably honored, as any normal person would be, but right now she needs YOU as a FRIEND and not as a BRIDE. Go get lunch or something and stay on NEUTRAL, NWR topics (unless she brings them up, then be sensitive to her feelings)

if you want someone to talk weddings 24/7 with, then come here to TK. we are always willing to talk weddings. please be a friend to her first.

redheadfsu

Yep, ditto. She needs a good friend right now. You need to support her. She doesn't need to "support" you or help you plan. That is your FI's job.

jemmini6

Wow...talk about kicking someone when their down.  OP, I understand your frustration with this, but really, you need to take a step back and look at things from her perspective.  Here you are, happy, in love, and planning a wedding.  I can imagine that's difficult to be around when she was happy, in love, and planning a wedding too and all of a sudden had it all ripped away.  How would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the one that got dumped and she was going to kick you out for not being more involved??

My MOH is my sister and shortly after I got engaged, she got served with divorce papers (the day after their 5th anniversary too).  She is my sister first and my MOH second, so I am there to support my sister because that's who needs it most right now.  My MOH can 'support' me on my wedding day just by showing up and signing my marriage license as a witness, other than that, I don't expect her to be ooohing and awwwing over every little wedding detail.

PsyDet 2155

Don't ask her to step down.  Be a supportive friend and be there for her at this time.  Being in your wedding probably isn't even on her radar because of this sad news.