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Urgh...Need to Vent!

My fiancé’s mom is flat out ridiculous. Months ago, we are talking this past July, my fiancé, myself, and my mother (who is paying for our entire wedding, by herself) made the decision that our wedding would be adult only. We are having our wedding and reception at a bed and breakfast. The establishment charges per person for use of the grounds. This is one of the main reasons for not inviting kids, not to mention the price of catering for children who aren't going to eat the non-kid-friendly food. It was a decision that had to be made, so we did. No kids. Now all of a sudden two months out our families are getting the wedding buz. My fiancés mother has had to fore warn some people in her family about our policy and people have obviously complained. I mean kids out number adults on my fiancés side of the family. His mother (who was asked to help pay for the wedding and not so politely told my mother she has nothing to give (while she is currently putting a huge addition on her home which she started after our engagement, after we set the date)) is stating that we should not have done this. She states that we should have allowed kids at the ceremony but not at the reception. Knock knock, hello in there it costs per person on the grounds, my mother is not paying for a million kids from YOUR family to be there when she is not allowing any from her own. Even my fiancé is yelling back at his Mom, he is so tired (as am I) trying to make everyone happy. My point is, we set the rules, and everyone knew about them, if you wanted to change the rules then you should have offered to pay to change them. I mean am I wrong here? Or am I freaking out about nothing? I just find her to be extremely frustrating!

Re: Urgh...Need to Vent!

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    Yeah, I agree.  You are well within your right to have an adult-only wedding.  While it is ultimately her decision to not help pay for the wedding, she should know that also means that she doesn't have any say in the wedding (so aren't you glad she isn't helping to pay?).  If she brings it up again, your FI can politely remind her that it isn't her wedding.  My personal favorite phrase?  "Thanks for your suggestion, but it's not up for discussion."  And then change the subject.  It works like a charm for me.
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    I agree with PP.

    If she wants a say, then she should pay.  She also needs to respect your decision about the kids.  I dont want kids either and both sides know that.  Just try to stay nice about it with her.  Tell her you see where she is coming from, but for budget purposes this is what you have decided to do, and if anyone calls her complaining about it, tell her to have them call you.

    Just try to stay positive, and try to keep you fi and his mom from fighting about it.
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    Plus, what the heck was she thinking, kids at the ceremony, not at the reception?  Even if it did save money, what were the parents supposed to do, send their kids home on a bus or something?  WTH?
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    Well, asking her to pay was really rude on your (or your mother's) part, and you have no right to complain about her refusing or about how she spends her money.  

    That said, if she's not paying, she doesn't get to control the guest list.  Just ignore her and invite the adults.  If people decide not to come, that's their decision.  
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    I got a guilt trip from my cousin "Princess" about our kids-only reception.  In the end, it's just plain not up for discussion, stick to your guns.  It doesn't matter who's paying, kids get bored at these events.  Any confident parent will tell you what a co-worker of mine told me "I had four kids, and I love them with all my heart, but whenever I had a chance to get away from them for a day, I TOOK IT" :) 
    Ps, I don't agree that it was rude to ask your FMIL to chip in, particularly since she seems to want to be so involved.  When my FIL's gave us their half of the guest list, I panicked a little because there were a lot more people then my fiance thought.  His family offered to pay for their half right away, no questions asled.  Your mom isn't made of money, it isn't unreasonable at all for you or her to have asked FMIL for financial help.
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    Kids-only reception, Sadie?  Wink
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_urghneed-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1f6ee8ec-3c34-408c-ae6b-c3f008093745Post:09f3c4e4-4d79-45d1-9d77-d22db6614edb">Re: Urgh...Need to Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Kids-only reception, Sadie? 
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    Teehee, I caught that too....but I still agree with her post in principle. 
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    Heels, I love your new sig.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_urghneed-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1f6ee8ec-3c34-408c-ae6b-c3f008093745Post:cd414031-d882-4337-8063-4edfe21589f1">Re: Urgh...Need to Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, asking her to pay was really rude on your (or your mother's) part, and you have no right to complain about her refusing or about how she spends her money.   That said, if she's not paying, she doesn't get to control the guest list.  Just ignore her and invite the adults.  If people decide not to come, that's their decision.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.

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    I agree with Heel's original post on the subject. When I was a kid, my dad's youngest brother got married and had an adults-only wedding. I have two younger sisters, we lived out of state, and my parents had planned on making my uncle's wedding an excuse to go visit my dad's whole family (they all live in the same general area). When my parents got the invite, they were pretty upset, but guess what? They sent my uncle and new aunt a present and a year later we all drove up to visit the family. In short, they got over it. It's really no big deal. It would be extremely petty of (future) family members to be that upset about not bringing the kids. Plus, it's your mom's money, and if she agrees with the no-kid policy, then that's that. 
    *marc & catrina*
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    3/4 of our guests have children and I know FIs mom wanted us to invite them all but we made the decision- and stuck to it- that the only child allowed is our own 2.5 yr old daughter because she is in the ceremony and well... our kid.  We are paying, so we had the last word.  If your mom is paying, your mom has the last word.  A wedding were kids out number adults would be chaos!
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    It really doesn't matter what you decide, people are going to complain. I've just accepted this... (although it wasn't without a fight) Perfect example, FI and I are having a "kids welcome" wedding and I have people angry at me for allowing kids to be there. To the point where I have been flat out told that a wedding is no place for children and I am reducing the seriousness of my vows by allowing it. **rolls eyes**

    Personally, I've been to weddings with kids, and weddings without and really it makes no difference to me as a guest. Why other people feel the need to intrude their opinions I'm not sure. As the bride and groom (I really don't care who's paying) if you decide not to have kids, people need to respect that.

    As it was so politely put to my mother in law (who gets trapped in the inviting one person because you invited another scam) how many people are you truly going to anger by this decision? People get fanatical about weddings and there is no winning. Stick to your guns, and before you get back from your honeymoon people will already be over it.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    The majority of our invitees have children, but we decided our event would be adults only.  Everyone has been okay with this.  I even asked a few people who have kids how they'd feel being invited to an adults-only reception, and they all said they like getting a night off from being parents every now and then.  So far the only person who mentioned wanting to bring their kid was my cousin, whose husband is staying home with their youngest and mentioned bringing her 5 1/2-year-old as her date.  I told her that there would be no other kids there and he might get bored.  She got that I was trying to say "no kids" in the nicest way possible, and was totally fine with it, saying that was why she ran it by me first.

    If your FMIL is insisting on inviting kids, tell her that she needs to pay for all of them.  She doesn't get to invite anyone unless she's willing to pay for them herself.  If you really don't want kids there, don't even give her the option of paying for them; just tell her "no kids" and leave it at that.
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