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Sad news and don't know what to do....

Re: Sad news and don't know what to do....

  • are you misrable becaus he is not helping you plan or what? I would sit down w/ him and find out where his head is at. let him now how you are feeling most importantly be honest. Ask him y he is not interested in talking about wedding stuff. My FI isnt thrilled w/ the wedding idea. marrying me yes but he did not want the big ceremony. But agreed to go ahead and ahve the wedding. He hasnt really helped plan anything. at first i was really sad but then i just realized he is only doing this for me. I said all that to say you never kno why your guy is not as excited. so talk to him asap. hope evrything goes well.
  • First of all, aren't you guys kind of legally married?

    I am so sorry to hear about that. Its hard to tell you what to do about this, but I would definitely wouldn't make any decisions too quickly until you have a chance to really calm down and think about things and what you want to do. I wouldn't think he would be afraid of committment given you have been together so long, unless he hasn't been faithful or something.

    I think there is something else going on. After you cool off, I would try to talk to him. I might also suggest counseling or talking with a priest or pastor or someone else that is wise and you can trust. Whatever happens, you will make it through this.
  • I would definitely talk to him as soon as possible about how you are feeling and so he can communicate his thoughts more clearly. I am sorry you are having to go through this. Whatever the issue is, being down and depressed is not a solution. You have to have a serious discussion about what's really bothering him and take action.

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  • There definitely is a deeper issue going on.  On the surface, it doesn't seem like a whole lot will change from your current situation (you live together, have kids, a dog, etc.)  Life won't change, it will just be a piece of paper.

    I would definitely have a heart to heart conversation about what he is truly nervous/upset about.  I would definitely encourage you both to do some premarital counseling which may help find out what some of his (and your) issues are.

    Good luck!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_sad-news-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1ff4188b-5b50-4c3d-9a1b-b45a52197357Post:0e8ca6f6-7f52-4c89-bb77-933d4fd1d21f">Sad news and don't know what to do....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need advice from someone with ZERO emotional connection... I have been with my sig other for 15 years, we have 3 kids a house, a dog.. you know the whole pie... Well we have been engaged for 1 1/2 years... 3 months to go before the big day he decides... WE should wait, were not ready, he loves me but..... im to possesive and controlling.. News Flash.. i havent changed in 15 years.. But hey ok. so i am willing to work on that... Now he is over the jitters, and we have proceeded with wedding planning, but the thing is there is no fun to it. He doesnt want to talk wedding or pretty much have anything to do with it at this point.  I don't know if i should hand back the ring and pack my bags, or wait it out.... I am so miserable during what is supposed to be one of hte happiest times in my life. and not sure what to do.
    Posted by chkyslv[/QUOTE]

    #1 - the period leading up to a wedding is very rarely the "happiest time in one's life."  It's stressful and highly emotionall charged. 

    #2 - Don't delude yourself.  Everyone changes.  You may not see it, but I'm sure   you're a much different person than you were 15 years ago, and so is he.  Some people grow together, some grow apart.  It's human nature. 

    #3 - Just curious: you've been together 15 years sans ring, why are you getting married now?  (please note this is not a judgement, but a piece of information that is needed so that one can give applicable advice.)

    #4 - who initiated the proposal?  If it was his idea in the first place, then his actions seem out of character and may simply be jitters.  However, if you were "one of those" women who pushed and pushed for a ring, and he finally "gave in," it's understandable that he's apprehensive with the wedding right around the corner - in that case, there may be deep rooted issues that should be worked on before you go through with signing the contract.

    #5 - I'm willing to bet that the "you're too controlling" comment isn't the REAL or only issue.  It may be the first thing that he thought of, but there probably many more issues that need to be resolved in his mind to be comfortable with the idea of marriage.

    This isn't an issue of "how do I get him more involved in the planning."  If he was previously involved and now isn't excited, then you need to take the change in behavior as a sign that he's not comfortable with the way things are now.  DO NOT continue to plan or go through with the wedding without first resolving your issues.  If he is feeling trapped or controlled, these issues will magnify 10 fold once the ring is on his finger.

    Talk to someone - if you're religious, maybe a priest/pastor.  IF you're not, seek out a marriage counselor.  Put the wedding plans on hold until the two of you resolve these issues.  It's much better to lose deposits and postpone a wedding than it is to go through a divorce.

    Good luck to you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_sad-news-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1ff4188b-5b50-4c3d-9a1b-b45a52197357Post:9a19df1a-2232-4427-a6c6-e88bf1324fc6">Re: Sad news and don't know what to do....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Sad news and don't know what to do.... : #1 - the period leading up to a wedding is very rarely the "happiest time in one's life."  It's stressful and highly emotionall charged.  #2 - Don't delude yourself.  Everyone changes.  You may not see it, but I'm sure   you're a much different person than you were 15 years ago, and so is he.  Some people grow together, some grow apart.  It's human nature.  #3 - Just curious: you've been together 15 years sans ring, why are you getting married now?  (please note this is not a judgement, but a piece of information that is needed so that one can give applicable advice.) #4 - who initiated the proposal?  If it was his idea in the first place, then his actions seem out of character and may simply be jitters.  However, if you were "one of those" women who pushed and pushed for a ring, and he finally "gave in," it's understandable that he's apprehensive with the wedding right around the corner - in that case, there may be deep rooted issues that should be worked on before you go through with signing the contract. #5 - I'm willing to bet that the "you're too controlling" comment isn't the REAL or only issue.  It may be the first thing that he thought of, but there probably many more issues that need to be resolved in his mind to be comfortable with the idea of marriage. This isn't an issue of "how do I get him more involved in the planning."  If he was previously involved and now isn't excited, then you need to take the change in behavior as a sign that he's not comfortable with the way things are now.  DO NOT continue to plan or go through with the wedding without first resolving your issues.  If he is feeling trapped or controlled, these issues will magnify 10 fold once the ring is on his finger. Talk to someone - if you're religious, maybe a priest/pastor.  IF you're not, seek out a marriage counselor.  Put the wedding plans on hold until the two of you resolve these issues.  It's much better to lose deposits and postpone a wedding than it is to go through a divorce. Good luck to you.
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  • It sounds to me like he just got way too comfortable with the life you two have been leading and now it is changing. Even though it really isn't, all you will have afterwards are memories of a great party and a piece of paper making it official. There may be something else going that he hasn't opened up to yet. I would definitely talk to him about it but starting that kind of conversation isn't always easy if they aren't ready to get talking. I'm sorry your wedding planning experience isn't everything it should and I truly wish you two the best and hope you work out whatever problems you may have, and have a great wedding. Good Luck
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited June 2010
    I would recommend counselling.

    As the change in his behavior is a signal that he may still not sure about marriage. Has he changed in any other way, other than just the planning? Who brought up the idea of marriage? Did the last 15 yrs just happen or was this a plan (that you would spend the rest of your lives together)? If the years slipped by  & you two never had the SERIOUS forever talk maybe he never really though about it before now. Sometimes guys just ask b/c they feel like after a # of years they have no other choice. (At least, that is what I hear during the divorce process.)

    You have kids, so this isn't the traditional situation - as you can't just leave. Your life will forever be tied to this man. If you leave, you two need to figure out the parenting, support, and property issues (basically a divorce). So in the very least go to counseling to figure out what happens if you leave. Now, I'm not saying stay for the kids, but you have some very heavy decisions in front of you that you need to figure out. Good luck.

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  • its strange, i was fine before the proposal, i didnt push marriage, and Iwould still be fine if he never asked. He proposed to me on Valentines day in 2009- it was allhim. We have had the forever talk many times over the years, neither of us belive in divorce and belive it or not we have been very happy for the last couple years, up until he said " he wasnt ready"  I did not see it coming at all.. The thing that seemed to start the change was two couples very close to him ended up divorced after almost 20 years of marriage each. i think that freaked him out a little.
    well as of today, He stll talks postponement, so i gave back the ring. WE will see what happens. Oh and thanks for all the great advice, however, couseling is out , we tried and if the counselor doesnt agree with him, then the counselor doesnt know what he is talking about, and as far as a heart to heart, i can't get that out of him. So i had to make a decision for all of us. I hope things change..
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited June 2010
    So Sorry and good luck.

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  • edited June 2010

    It's common for guys not wanting to be a part of the wedding planning, which to us women, let's face it, it's great...we're happy to do it and we love planning every minute of it..well maybe that's just me..lol..but for guys, they really aren't into details..well most of them..and it's hard for them to just get on board with the whole wedding planning..my sister was going through the same thing with her fiance...i mean everytime she brought anything up about wedding stuff, he would go into his defensive mode and say, "i'm tired right now, I don't want to talk about this now." I'm sure a lot of women have heard this line before...well we just have to come to terms with it, that guys just don't want to get involved as much as the women are...I obviously don't know you and your fiance, but after being with each for 15 years and building this foundation together and making 3 children..i would think that your relationship is definitely for keeps...so don't worry..he's just having the jitters...and maybe he's concentrating more on the negatives than the positives...he just has to switch that good mood back on..lol..don't worry..stick with it..stay strong..and most of all have faith that your fiance will do the right thing..sometimes it takes them longer to just get on board..good luck to ya =]

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