I hate my sis's BF/Fiance

Ksahlberg

She knows my opinion about him (he treats her like filth, has recent felonies, enters into lifelong committments too easily---he's already been divorced and has 3 diff baby mamas---, he's abandoned my sis several times already, and overall he's not a good-natured person and most of my family does not like him).
My sis says, "it's her life" and she has to learn from her own mistakes, and I completely agree! If she's happy, I'm happy for her, but my opinion about him still remains...
She recently got engaged and has not told me, I had to hear this through the grapevine (I understand her apprehension because she knows my opinion about him).
Do I wait for her to tell me? Do I call her? We don't have the best relationship (mostly becasue of him). I want her to know I'll be there for her, but I also want to go on the record saying I don't think this is a good idea, but I hope she proves me wrong...
Side-note: She was recently the MOH at my own wedding and of course I'd do the same for her

Tre

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:8080ac3b-4e0e-4b1a-9253-4513f993201f">I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]She knows my opinion about him (he treats her like filth, has recent felonies, enters into lifelong committments too easily---he's already been divorced and has 3 diff baby mamas---, he's abandoned my sis several times already, and overall he's not a good-natured person and most of my family does not like him). My sis says, "it's her life" and she has to learn from her own mistakes, and I completely agree! If she's happy, I'm happy for her, but my opinion about him still remains... She recently got engaged and has not told me , I had to hear this through the grapevine (I understand her apprehension because she knows my opinion about him). <strong>Do I wait for her to tell me? Do I call her?</strong> We don't have the best relationship (mostly becasue of him).<strong> I want her to know I'll be there for her, but I also want to go on the record saying I don't think this is a good idea, </strong>but I hope she proves me wrong... Side-note: She was recently the MOH at my own wedding and of course I'd do the same for her Tre
Posted by Ksahlberg[/QUOTE]


What would be the purpose of telling her it's not a good idea?  SHe already knows you hate him so I'm pretty sure she knows that you don't approve of her engagement. Your wording about "going on the record" just sounds so mean-spirited. If you're not happy with it you don't have to congratulate her.
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MrsL2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:8080ac3b-4e0e-4b1a-9253-4513f993201f">I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]She knows my opinion about him (he treats her like filth, has recent felonies, enters into lifelong committments too easily---he's already been divorced and has 3 diff baby mamas---, he's abandoned my sis several times already, and overall he's not a good-natured person and most of my family does not like him). My sis says, "it's her life" and she has to learn from her own mistakes, and I completely agree! If she's happy, I'm happy for her, but my opinion about him still remains... She recently got engaged and has not told me , I had to hear this through the grapevine (I understand her apprehension because she knows my opinion about him). Do I wait for her to tell me? Do I call her? We don't have the best relationship (mostly becasue of him). I want her to know I'll be there for her, <strong>but I also want to go on the record saying I don't think this is a good idea, but I hope she proves me wrong...</strong>Side-note: She was recently the MOH at my own wedding and of course I'd do the same for her Tre
Posted by Ksahlberg[/QUOTE]

I would not say this to her, she already knows how you feel about him so why do you need to say it again?

I would probably just give her a call, and just talk, it doesn't have to be about anything special. See about doing a lunch, my guess is she isnt telling you because she knows you wont like it and she probably is trying to stay away from you for that reason.

Like i said, try and do something with her, it doesn't have to do anything with him and I am guessing that when she is ready she will tell you.

kikirst33

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:8080ac3b-4e0e-4b1a-9253-4513f993201f">I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]She knows my opinion about him (he treats her like filth, has recent felonies, enters into lifelong committments too easily---he's already been divorced and has 3 diff baby mamas---, he's abandoned my sis several times already, and overall he's not a good-natured person and most of my family does not like him). My sis says, "it's her life" and she has to learn from her own mistakes, and I completely agree! If she's happy, I'm happy for her, but my opinion about him still remains... She recently got engaged and has not told me , I had to hear this through the grapevine (I understand her apprehension because she knows my opinion about him). Do I wait for her to tell me? Do I call her? We don't have the best relationship (mostly becasue of him). <strong>I want her to know I'll be there for her, but I also want to go on the record saying I don't think this is a good idea, </strong>but I hope she proves me wrong... Side-note: She was recently the MOH at my own wedding and of course I'd do the same for her Tre
Posted by Ksahlberg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If you value your relationship with your sister and don't want to damage it to the point of where she won't talk to you I would NOT tell her you don't think it's a good idea.    It sounds like she already knows that you don't like her BF/FI so stating it again isn't going to help.  </div><div>
</div><div>I would let her know that you love her and will always support her no matter what and leave it at that.  If he is as bad as you say he is your sister will appreciate your support if their relationship ends.

</div>

ems27

You can't say that you will be there for her and expect her to take your support seriously, if you are telling her it's a bad idea in the same breath.  Sounds like you need to pick which sentiment you want to communicate;  if you do want to offer support, I would do that.  She knows or can figure that you think it's a bad idea, so don't mention it and be there for her if it does go badly.

GoodLuckBear14

She knows that you don't think this is a good idea.  Don't bring it up again.  Just resolve to be there to support her when she really does need you.  I've had friends who have made really stupid choices and lost a lot of people in their lives because the family and friends kept harping on the decision to be in a relationship with a guy others did not approve of.  It just made it all the harder for these women to get out of the relationships.

Ksahlberg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:dde4aa58-e6bb-4389-b3dd-b8eceb3edc99">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're wanting to call her to "go on record" telling her that her engagement is a bad idea, I'd wait for her to come to you.  It IS her life, and obviously she already knows your opinion on the situation, why antagonize her and ruin her enjoyment of being engaged. I also think that <strong>you shouldn't necessarily expect to be the MoH</strong> if you are this adamantly against them getting married, but that's just me.  She may not ask, and even if she does, <strong>I would decline in your position.</strong> I don't BLAME you for not liking the guy or the fact that your sister is with him, but I personally find standing up in support of their marriage when you openly don't support it to be pretty <strong>hypocritical</strong>.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
To these points I completely agree. I think it is definitely hypocritical, but at the same time I know my sister's thought process: We are our only siblings and things with her are very tit-for-tat. I guess let's hope she has a quick civil ceremony with no bridal party....
Otherwise, if she <em>does </em>ask, I know she'll never let me live it down if I don't agree to be her MOH. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself...

ChristineNB

Ditto what everyone else has said.  However, if you don't like her fiance (which sounds as if you have good reason), they I don't know how you could feel it is right to be your sister's maid of honor, assuming she were to ask?  If my sister were engaged to someone I thought wasn't good for her, I could not in good conscious agree to be in the wedding party as that would, IMO, be my way of supporting the marriage.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:8080ac3b-4e0e-4b1a-9253-4513f993201f">I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]She knows my opinion about him (he treats her like filth, has recent felonies, enters into lifelong committments too easily---he's already been divorced and has 3 diff baby mamas---, he's abandoned my sis several times already, and overall he's not a good-natured person and most of my family does not like him). My sis says, "it's her life" and she has to learn from her own mistakes, and I completely agree! If she's happy, I'm happy for her, but my opinion about him still remains... She recently got engaged and has not told me , I had to hear this through the grapevine (I understand her apprehension because she knows my opinion about him). Do I wait for her to tell me? Do I call her? We don't have the best relationship (mostly becasue of him). I want her to know I'll be there for her, but I also want to go on the record saying I don't think this is a good idea, but I hope she proves me wrong... Side-note: <strong>She was recently the MOH at my own wedding and of course I'd do the same for her Tre</strong>
Posted by Ksahlberg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Don't expect her to ask you to be her MOH.  I wouldn't have had anyone stand with me that doesn't approve of our relationship.  Of course, you might be right about him, but that's of little consolation to her at this point.  All she sees now is that you don't approve and therefore don't exactly support their marriage.</div><div>
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cwaggoner07

I also hate my sister's boyfriend. Of course, theirs is a matter of not legally being able to be together, I've never met him and will refuse to meet him. He did not attend my wedding a few weeks ago, and she never asked, and it was understood.

When they first came out and said they were going to be together, I told her one time that I did not approve, and she said in turn that she understood why, and we dropped it. We actually have a pretty good relationship, we just do NOT talk about him. It's truly like he doesn't exist to our family, and it's a mutual understanding.

All that being said, just don't say anything further. You say it once, and trust me, she won't forget. If she asks to be her MOH, just say no, for reasons that she probably already knows, and have very little conversation about it period.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:de7316b0-5501-40e5-a877-585a7b1eab66">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]I also hate my sister's boyfriend. Of course,<strong> theirs is a matter of not legally being able to be together</strong>, I've never met him and will refuse to meet him. He did not attend my wedding a few weeks ago, and she never asked, and it was understood. When they first came out and said they were going to be together, I told her one time that I did not approve, and she said in turn that she understood why, and we dropped it. We actually have a pretty good relationship, we just do NOT talk about him. It's truly like he doesn't exist to our family, and it's a mutual understanding. All that being said, just don't say anything further. You say it once, and trust me, she won't forget. If she asks to be her MOH, just say no, for reasons that she probably already knows, and have very little conversation about it period.
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

Swag - you have me curious about why they cannot legally be together.

cwaggoner07

Sis is 21, boyfriend is 15.

She is like, a prodigy, graduated high school at 16, college at 19, and then rebelled and moved back in with my parents after realizing she lost her childhood and started going to high school parties and now her boyfriend is 15.
When my parents found out they kicked her out so she bought a house (a HOUSE people) and now she pays a mortgage and her boyfriend wasn't even old enough to attend prom last year.

But seriously, love her so much, and she's such a cool/funny/sweet sister. I would be sick if she got engaged because I don't know if her and my other sis would agree to be her MOH's (like we always planned).

cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:845698e9-e969-4c82-8f86-0d7171e2aa9c">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, Swag. I have to think that it won't last. I mean, 15 year old boys just aren't equipped to have lasting adult relationships.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's kind of what we're hoping, but it's been going on almost a year.
She definitely regressed, because I remember when she was 15 and finishing up high school she was so disgusted with all of her friends that were getting pregnant and partying in fields (we grew up in rural redneck country), and she wanted nothing to do with it. And now that's her LIFE. I picked up and after graduating college moved to the big city, but now she's saddled herself with a mortgage back in our small hometown.
It's so weird that it's just become an 'agree to disagree' part of our strong family unit, because we all get along GREAT and I seriously just love my sister so much.

mmmendi

My two cents fall in with so many of PP - I was a dumb sister for a very very very long time. Your sister knows how you feel, so you don't have to hash that. Just love her through it. I am so glad my sisters were wise like Swag!! They never said anything about him that made me resent them. I was so grateful to have them, and our friendships intact when I was strong enough to be without him.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:eaaeef1c-61d7-4117-8ce4-7b4d2cb945ec">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Sis is 21, boyfriend is 15. She is like, a prodigy, graduated high school at 16, college at 19, and then rebelled and moved back in with my parents after realizing she lost her childhood and started going to high school parties and now her boyfriend is 15. When my parents found out they kicked her out so she bought a house (a HOUSE people) and now she pays a mortgage and her boyfriend wasn't even old enough to attend prom last year. But seriously, love her so much, and she's such a cool/funny/sweet sister. I would be sick if she got engaged because I don't know if her and my other sis would agree to be her MOH's (like we always planned).
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

<div>Holy shiiit balls, do his parents know about this?    </div><div>
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cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:81f58049-9ab9-46a7-b61f-6b4019b6b312">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance : Holy shiiit balls, do his parents know about this?    
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

His parents absolutely adore her. It's a bunch of very small-town folk, keep in mind.
 I really don't know anything else about him or his family, except that my sister better not piss them off.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:f902ca38-233c-4fb1-b60d-bffd850ac81c">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance : His parents absolutely adore her. It's a bunch of very small-town folk, keep in mind.  I really don't know anything else about him or his family, except that my sister better not piss them off.
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around "His parents absolutely adore her."

cwaggoner07

Haha no harm, Lucy. It's quite bizarre. I grew up in a very small town with very simple-minded people (my parents being the few that were not), and it truly is amazing the mindsets you get on certain things.
Like I knew mothers that were ecstatic that their 16 year old girls were pregnant. Like it was the best thing that could have happened to them.

Ksahlberg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:20d3b4c0-5d69-45bd-b2fe-1f75a444437b">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance : <strong>This is kind of irrelevant but I'm confused.  You sounded like you *wanted* to be her MOH.  But you don't?</strong>
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
Correct,
I agree with all of you that (most reasonable people would not even ask their sis to be MOH if they already know that she does not like your FI) and I very much hope she does not ask me, but giving you a little background about my sis, I believe she is only doing this because she is competing with the rest of the family and mentally, since childhood, if I did something, she'd have to do it too, plus she is the older sister of the 2 of us, and since my own wedding, she has repeatedly shoved the fact in my face that she was "a perfect MOH" (even though she screwed up on a royal level --1 item of note: not inviting my other bridesmaids--now SIL's to my shower...). I am 99% certain that I will have to repay that favor for her, if she decides to actually have a wedding (he never even gave her a ring either, the douche...)

Ksahlberg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-hate-my-sisters-bffianc?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2baa2c88-4d13-403a-978f-9af888e7eaf1Post:eaaeef1c-61d7-4117-8ce4-7b4d2cb945ec">Re: I hate my sis's BF/Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Sis is 21, boyfriend is 15</strong>. She is like, a prodigy, graduated high school at 16, college at 19, and then rebelled and moved back in with my parents after realizing she lost her childhood and started going to high school parties and now her boyfriend is 15. When my parents found out they kicked her out so she bought a house (a HOUSE people) and now she pays a mortgage and her boyfriend wasn't even old enough to attend prom last year. But seriously, love her so much, and she's such a cool/funny/sweet sister. I would be sick if she got engaged because I don't know if her and my other sis would agree to be her MOH's (like we always planned).
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]
WTF? just got some bad imagery. Maybe my sis dating trash isn't so bad, lol

cwaggoner07

Yeeeeaaaaaaah that kind of rubs me the wrong way just because H was in film school and flat broke when we got engaged and we discussed not getting a ring until the wedding.
He ended up getting a good gig and was able to afford a ring, and honestly during the proposal I was more surprised that there WAS a ring.
I don't know their situation, but a ring is just a ring.