Completely Overwhelmed...

ereshkigal27

My fiancee and I just got engaged on 2/10 of this year, we've been together for over 5 years prior to this. However, I'm finding myself completely overwhelmed by how fast she's jumping into the planning. We had even had discussions in the past about a wedding and she jumped right into planning then as well, causing me to get overwhelmed and our relationship suffered for weeks because there was constant tension. I know I love her, and I know I want to be with her, but...with everything being shoved down my throat I feel like I'm more overwhelmed than I should be at this point. I mean, aren't we supposed to be celebrating our relationship? ...not bickering over money and venues. 

A side note: We are a lesbian couple planning a commitment ceremony in wisconsin (as it is illegal for us to have a real marriage right now), and we're paying for the entire thing ourselves with very little savings right now.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? On how to talk to her? I'm so overwhelmed and confused right now, that I'm just not even sure I want to go through with this engagement anymore.

mrsrichard33

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_completely-overwhelmed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2c46a9e8-060c-4156-8f57-4fbbdbc3f9f8Post:aa2ea0ee-5fd9-4280-a798-cf096b4ca1e2">Completely Overwhelmed...</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiancee and I just got engaged on 2/10 of this year, we've been together for over 5 years prior to this. However, I'm finding myself completely overwhelmed by how fast she's jumping into the planning. We had even had discussions in the past about a wedding and she jumped right into planning then as well, causing me to get overwhelmed and our relationship suffered for weeks because there was constant tension. I know I love her, and I know I want to be with her, but...with everything being shoved down my throat I feel like I'm more overwhelmed than I should be at this point. I mean, aren't we supposed to be celebrating our relationship? ...not bickering over money and venues.  A side note: We are a lesbian couple planning a commitment ceremony in wisconsin (as it is illegal for us to have a real marriage right now), and we're paying for the entire thing ourselves with very little savings right now. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? On how to talk to her? I'm so overwhelmed and confused right now, that I'm just not even sure I want to go through with this engagement anymore.
Posted by ereshkigal27[/QUOTE]


OH NO!

My sister had the exact same issue! And they ended up calling off the engagment and they have broken up and never to see eachother again as her ex moved to Alberta. If you think you feel as though you dont want this engagement to proceed you need to call it off. Just explain to her that you were thinking of waiting due to money issues. Tell her you want to enjoy the engagement first.

My sister was the one who proposed and her fiance was unemployed and had no intent on getting a job. My sister told me she never wanted to propose in the first place but thought it was the next step.

I am very glad she called it off, because when she did her ex went ballistic and she got physical. It was a very good thing my sister took a step back and thought about things. !

The part when you said you weren`t even sure if you want to go through with this gives me big flags!

be careful and tell her you were thinking more of waiting and enjoying the process instead of jumping to things.

StephBeanWed61502

As someone who loves planning, I completely understand where your FI is coming from - she's excited about marrying you, and probably thought about it a bunch even before the proposal, so she has a lot of ideas.  The problem with that is, she's not giving you a chance to form your own thoughts and opinions on the subject, because she's ready to just go full steam ahead (I kind of did the same thing to my own FI in the beginning). 

What worked for me and my FI was creating a calendar for decision-making.  I was free to research whatever I wanted, send him links/ideas/etc., but we couldn't interview vendors or make a final decision until the date on the calendar that we'd set for that particular decision, and we agreed in advance that nothing would be final until we both agreed to it.  This really helped, because I knew that everything would be settled in time (even if not necessarily as fast as I'd do it on my own), and he knew that I wouldn't move forward on anything without him. 

We also set an overall budget right at the beginning, before even drafting a guest list or anything, and that has majorly helped guide our choices, since we make a point of not even looking at vendors who aren't in our previously-agreed-upon price range.

ereshkigal27

See, that's my main concern. I'm the one who handles all of our money and makes sure the bills get paid as is. So when I say "we need to figure out a budget first" I think maybe she just assumes it's me that'll be figuring it out. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with calling vendors to get pricing and see about how much everything costs, but she's already jumping into decorations and apparrel and other things that...I would think WITHOUT having a budget in mind first is just silly because she'll be setting herself up to fail. I don't want her to get her heart set on something only to realize that there's no possible way we could ever afford it. (for example: she found these really neat "fairy lights" that are little globes that can be placed in trees and bushes to create a really pretty effect at night, but they're $2 per light...which is a little more pricey than I think we could go for just one aspect of decorations) I think I'm just concerned that this will end up like the last time we discussed any type of ceremony and it will be more harmful to our relationship than anything else.

TiffannieF

Definitely have a sit down talk with her.  One of the leading causes of divorce is debt.  If you two are not on the same page with fiances this will create problems.  Planning a wedding is a good set up for marriage...if you cannot agree on things now you more than likely won't later.

As much as I started day dreaming about my wedding before engagement and jumped into almost immediately, I DID have a discussion with DH as one of the first things.  Actually I had no idea about reception/hall costs so I shopped around first (for hall).  When I found out the pricing that's when we did our guest list/budget.  THEN I started doing the little detail things.

I would just start with the "I super love you, I can't wait to be married, I think you and I are going to have a kick a$$ wedding, but before we get into deep with this we both need to be on the same page."  And honestly, more than a couple times DH had to give me the come back to reality speech.

caterpillar85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_completely-overwhelmed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2c46a9e8-060c-4156-8f57-4fbbdbc3f9f8Post:74fe2de9-49af-4482-ba96-5eca9fb98f93">Re: Completely Overwhelmed...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just start with the "I super love you, I can't wait to be married, I think you and I are going to have a kick a$$ wedding, but before we get into deep with this we both need to be on the same page."  And honestly, more than a couple times DH had to give me the come back to reality speech.
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

This... it's better to figure it out now than later. And if she wants a reception that is not in your budget at the moment, consider a longer engagement. I know that sucks expecially if your FI is so excited about it. It's a good way to get "early bird" deals and gives you two plenty of time to wait for sales and great deals. Lurk around the budget weddings board too for cute and inexpensive ideas.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you!!

jennipea382

I agree with PPs. She sounds really excited! Which is a good thing, but I definitely see where you're coming from. I've been pretty worried about our budget as well since we've been having trouble saving up. We still have a year, but I've been worried about it. I don't blame you one bit.

As PP said, just sit down and talk to her. Explain that you're happy she's excited, and you are too. But you won't be able to have your dream wedding without paying for it. While you like her ideas, they just aren't realistic for your budget. Maybe see if she can find a cheaper alternative? DIY something close? And I think it would help too if you found some ideas to share with her too (if you haven't already). She needs to know it's your wedding too ;-)

Good luck and I really hope she can take a step back for your sake!

ereshkigal27

Thank you everyone. I sat down with her yesterday and had a heart to heart. She was looking into pricing and said that we should keep out budget around $4-5,000 at which point I chimed in a reminded her how much saving that would be. We both barely make above minimum wage in wisconsin, so it would take a couple years to get that kind of money saved up. After finally going over all of this with her, and doing the math of what some of the things she's "fallen in love with" would really cost, she agreed that it's something we should probably re-think and talk about before going any further with planning. 

Once again, though, thank you so much, ladies, for all of your amazing suggestions and help!!! I think we're definately on the same page again with the planning and it should be loads of fun!

mhogberg

Ok slow down, take a deep breath for a minute.  This is exactly how I am with my fiance once I get an idea in my head I go running with it (usually before I think it all the way through) Wanna know how bad? I bought the decorations, cake topper, and a lot of other things before we were engaged.  This is who I am and I thank God on a daily basis that the fiance loves me for it.  That being said even I had a slight second of self doubt after we officially got engaged, its scary, knowing that you are pledging to spend the rest of your life with this person.  There are alot of "what ifs" that can sneak into your head.  Once again, SLOW DOWN.  You love this person enough to propose so talk to her like the spouse she is and explain.  Put everything out in the open, and I'll bet money that once things are discussed you will feel 1000xs better.

mhogberg

One more thing, remember just because she is looking at decorations doesn't mean she will go out and blow this months budges on candles.  She is LOOKING and probably trying to get a picture in her mind of what she can do vs what you both can afford.Yes I started looking early and yes I was/am in love with a lot of things we didn't get for our reception because I knew at a certain price per peice we just couldn't afford it.  Have faith in her, you love her, you know her, you know she will do right by you.