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Groomsmen vent!

My wedding is in 8 days, so there is nothing I can do to change this. I've just been holding it in and need to find a release so I'm sorry :/

My FI groomsmen kinda suck. This whole time (we've been engaged for 19 months) they have acted like they are so excited, yet everytime we need them to do something (i.e. order their tuxes) they act like its such an inconvience. My FI and I moved from a smaller town to a much larger town two years ago so I could finish my degree. Back home EVERYONE goes to the same two bars and you always run into people you'd rather not pretend to be nice to. So, a few months ago my FI came to me and said "I dont think I'm going to have a bachelor party" and he seemed really down. My bachelorette party was last weekend and it was a blast! His bachelor party is this weekend. He never really asked the guys about it and they just assumed we would be coming back home for it. Well I didnt want my party there and he didnt want his there either. So thats another thing we are inconviencing his groomsmen with. We live an hour away. My FI went through reserving hotel rooms (the cheapest in the area), making golf and dinner reservations, etc. The groomsmen want to golf my FI really doesnt care to he just kind of wanted to go to a few bars and then crash at the hotel. Well last night one of the groomsmen texted him and said "so how much is this weekend going to cost me? my life savings?" Well the rooms are $15 a person. My FI is paying for the golf. So the rest would be whatever they order in drinks.
The bachelor party isn't even the main issue. The first thing we did when we got engaged 19 months ago was pick our bridal party. HUGE MISTAKE. Everyone is your best friend when you get engaged. I haven't seen two of my bridesmaids in over 6 months. They didnt come to the bridal shower or bachelorette party. My FI groomsmen are the same way. My FI has said to me "they probably wont even talk to me after the wedding". They just don't make an effort to maintain any sort of friendships.

Sorry about the pointless rambling, just had to get it out!
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Re: Groomsmen vent!

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    This is exactly why you should pick your bridal party about 9 or so months out. Now that it's done all I can say is make the best of it. I'm sorry his friends (and your friends as well) are being crummy, but relationships change over 19 months. And honestly, an hour away is NOTHING. If I were him and really wanted to maintain a friendship with these people I would be visiting pretty regularly- not just when wedding stuff is going down. 

    Focus on the wedding and what a great day that will be. 
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    I completely agree. HUGE lesson learned. Funny thing is, everything wedding related is happening back home. The wedding itself, the reception, I even ordered our dresses from back home so they wouldnt have to drive to get them, our wedding shower was also back home. We are back there nearly every weekend and we only see family. We make it very public that we're there and available if anyone wants to do anything and everyone is ALWAYS busy.
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    I have no idea why people pick wedding parties so early on. We are having a seven month engagement and guess what, we have had zero wedding party issues. we got outfits and everything in plenty of time.
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    Your wedding will always be more important to you than anyone else. And if you want to make plans, make them early, like several weeks in advance, and then DON'T make that evening about you. People get tired of hearing about wedding plans. Maybe they were avoiding you guys for that reason? Our wedding party is all out of town and we're not even doing a lot of that stuff for that reason. Not that our friends don't care, but they have lives, and those conventions just aren't necessary. Try to be understanding and focus on the fact that you're getting married.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groomsmen-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3da354e8-52ac-4ef5-857b-5c1db25bc394Post:7613dca1-a288-490f-9e81-a757c4a9d689">Re: Groomsmen vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I completely agree. HUGE lesson learned. Funny thing is, everything wedding related is happening back home. The wedding itself, the reception, I even ordered our dresses from back home so they wouldnt have to drive to get them, our wedding shower was also back home. We are back there nearly every weekend and we only see family.<strong> We make it very public that we're there</strong> and available if anyone wants to do anything and everyone is ALWAYS busy.
    Posted by mparkes[/QUOTE]

    <div>When you say "make it very public" do you mean you post on fb that you're in town or do you actually text your individual friends and say, "Hey, want to grab some dinner or a movie this weekend?" There's a huge difference between the two and could be the reason no one has been around. </div>
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    I usually send out a mass text saying "Hey, Drew and I are in town so if you wanna grab a drink or come swimming let us know!"
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groomsmen-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:3da354e8-52ac-4ef5-857b-5c1db25bc394Post:c7d240f6-784c-483d-8f1f-de1e8d8a55de">Groomsmen vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is in 8 days, so there is nothing I can do to change this. I've just been holding it in and need to find a release so I'm sorry :/ My FI groomsmen kinda suck. This whole time (we've been engaged for 19 months) they have acted like they are so excited, yet everytime we need them to do something (i.e. order their tuxes) they act like its such an inconvience. My FI and I moved from a smaller town to a much larger town two years ago so I could finish my degree. Back home EVERYONE goes to the same two bars and you always run into people you'd rather not pretend to be nice to. So, a few months ago my FI came to me and said "I dont think I'm going to have a bachelor party" and he seemed really down. My bachelorette party was last weekend and it was a blast! His bachelor party is this weekend. He never really asked the guys about it and they just assumed we would be coming back home for it. Well I didnt want my party there and he didnt want his there either. So thats another thing we are inconviencing his groomsmen with. We live an hour away. My FI went through reserving hotel rooms (the cheapest in the area), making golf and dinner reservations, etc. The groomsmen want to golf my FI really doesnt care to he just kind of wanted to go to a few bars and then crash at the hotel. Well last night one of the groomsmen texted him and said "so how much is this weekend going to cost me? my life savings?" Well the rooms are $15 a person. My FI is paying for the golf. So the rest would be whatever they order in drinks. The bachelor party isn't even the main issue. The first thing we did when we got engaged 19 months ago was pick our bridal party. HUGE MISTAKE. Everyone is your best friend when you get engaged. I haven't seen two of my bridesmaids in over 6 months. They didnt come to the bridal shower or bachelorette party. My FI groomsmen are the same way. My FI has said to me "they probably wont even talk to me after the wedding". They just don't make an effort to maintain any sort of friendships. Sorry about the pointless rambling, just had to get it out!
    Posted by mparkes[/QUOTE]

    Your FI shouldn't be planning his own bachelor party. If nobody stepped up to plan it (and there's no rule that says it has to be a groomsman), then he doesn't get one. Sucks, but that's etiquette. One doesn't plan parties in one's own honor.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groomsmen-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3da354e8-52ac-4ef5-857b-5c1db25bc394Post:6c3baa42-fe22-485a-a260-d5ab81020150">Re: Groomsmen vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I usually send out a mass text saying "Hey, Drew and I are in town so if you wanna grab a drink or come swimming let us know!"
    Posted by mparkes[/QUOTE]

    <div>Well since you're not getting responses that way maybe you should try something a little bit more personal like, "Hey Susie! I feel like we haven't chatted in awhile! Want to get together and you can tell me all about that new job of yours?"</div>
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    lls31lls31 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groomsmen-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3da354e8-52ac-4ef5-857b-5c1db25bc394Post:d525d066-9bdb-4fbc-9362-f26ac9cc8dcf">Re: Groomsmen vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Groomsmen vent! : Your FI shouldn't be planning his own bachelor party. If nobody stepped up to plan it (and there's no rule that says it has to be a groomsman), then he doesn't get one. Sucks, but that's etiquette. One doesn't plan parties in one's own honor.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>This, exactly.</div>
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    <div>n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groomsmen-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3da354e8-52ac-4ef5-857b-5c1db25bc394Post:3f5fa693-c4f9-4cf2-947d-9faf77f202c5">Re: Groomsmen vent!</a>:</div>[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groomsmen vent! : Well since you're not getting responses that way maybe you should try something a little bit more personal like, "Hey Susie! I feel like we haven't chatted in awhile! Want to get together and you can tell me all about that new job of yours?"
    Posted by VeggieLove1022[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Ditto. Mass texts come off as self-important, like you were too busy to address anyone individually. And when you send mass-communication, you lessen the personal responsibility of any one person to respond directly.

    </div><div>On another note, are any of your BM and GM couples? If so, you can address them as "Drew and I" and hang out together. Otherwise, you need to contact your BMs and he needs to contact his GMs. Depending upon the age and maturity of the individual, single people get sick of hanging out with their friends and their friends' SOs. Particularly around a wedding when they can't stop yakking about their wedding. It happens. You just have to make sure that, if you want people to throw parties for you, you give them some individual attention, at least feign interest in their lives, and placate their egoes. It's the way the world works. If you treat them like your subjects, they will get annoyed real quick.</div>
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    In Response to Re:Groomsmen vent!:[QUOTE]In Response to Groomsmen vent!:My wedding is in 8 days, so there is nothing I can do to change this. I've just been holding it in and need to find a release so I'm sorry :/ My FI groomsmen kinda suck. This whole time we've been engaged for 19 months they have acted like they are so excited, yet everytime we need them to do something i.e. order their tuxes they act like its such an inconvience. My FI and I moved from a smaller town to a much larger town two years ago so I could finish my degree. Back home EVERYONE goes to the same two bars and you always run into people you'd rather not pretend to be nice to. So, a few months ago my FI came to me and said "I dont think I'm going to have a bachelor party" and he seemed really down. My bachelorette party was last weekend and it was a blast! His bachelor party is this weekend. He never really asked the guys about it and they just assumed we would be coming back home for it. Well I didnt want my party there and he didnt want his there either. So thats another thing we are inconviencing his groomsmen with. We live an hour away. My FI went through reserving hotel rooms the cheapest in the area, making golf and dinner reservations, etc. The groomsmen want to golf my FI really doesnt care to he just kind of wanted to go to a few bars and then crash at the hotel. Well last night one of the groomsmen texted him and said "so how much is this weekend going to cost me? my life savings?" Well the rooms are 15 a person. My FI is paying for the golf. So the rest would be whatever they order in drinks. The bachelor party isn't even the main issue. The first thing we did when we got engaged 19 months ago was pick our bridal party. HUGE MISTAKE. Everyone is your best friend when you get engaged. I haven't seen two of my bridesmaids in over 6 months. They didnt come to the bridal shower or bachelorette party. My FI groomsmen are the same way. My FI has said to me "they probably wont even talk to me after the wedding". They just don't make an effort to maintain any sort of friendships. Sorry about the pointless rambling, just had to get it out!Posted by mparkesYour FI shouldn't be planning his own bachelor party. If nobody stepped up to plan it and there's no rule that says it has to be a groomsman, then he doesn't get one. Sucks, but that's etiquette. One doesn't plan parties in one's own honor. Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    A wedding is a party... So should we not plan our own wedding?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_groomsmen-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3da354e8-52ac-4ef5-857b-5c1db25bc394Post:80eb3a29-c939-4910-ad11-0155f2b7b7b3">Re:Groomsmen vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Groomsmen vent!: A wedding is a party... So should we not plan our own wedding?
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    <div>Do you expect your guests to pay for their own meals and drinks at said wedding? No. You are hosting that party, dude. Very different deal.</div>
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    Gosh that sucks. I'm so sorry. I know I picked my wedding party really early only because I was so excited. Luckily, things are still working out so far. 
    I feel really bad for your guy. I really do hope the wedding partying part will make up that fact. Kind of wish your guy didn't have to plan his own.  


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    2 of my GM sucked too.  They didn'ty throw DH a bachelor party- FBIL did. To make it worse the BM and 1 GM didn't even bother to show up.
     
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    edited June 2012
    you guys could ask them if they were still interested in being in your party... I know this may cause lost friendship but if you are already worrying that they wont talk to you after the wedding, why not ask?  Explain this is very important to you and you would be totally okay with it if they wanted to opt out of it.  Your fiance shouldnt plan his own party... My sister has mine planned and my brother in law as my fiances planned and they live in maine and im in florida and they are planning for it to be here... by them saying yes to being your groomsmen, they dont' seem to realize responsibility comes with it and its not just to be part of the wedding party and you get to sit back and do nothing, they should be honored and if i was in that situation, i wouldn't put up with it


    ps nvm about asking them .. didnt see your wedding is  soon
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    To address several questions, two of our BMs and GMs are couples. The GMs asked my FI to reserve the tee time for golf so thats the only planning he did for that. They said "We dont know numbers or anything to the courses up there. Wanna reserve a time for us?"
    As far as asking if they want to be in the wedding party still, I've done that with my two BMs. I called each of them and said "It seems like you've got a lot going on right now and I don't want you to feel obligated to be in the wedding. I chose you for a reason, but I just want you to be happy. So, I will buy your dress from you if you feel like you have too much going on." After that both KIND OF stepped up. My FI won't do that with his GMs because he says thats just not what guys do lol.
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    In Response to Re:Groomsmen vent!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Groomsmen vent!:In Response to Groomsmen vent!:My wedding is in 8 days, so there is nothing I can do to change this. I've just been holding it in and need to find a release so I'm sorry :/ My FI groomsmen kinda suck. This whole time we've been engaged for 19 months they have acted like they are so excited, yet everytime we need them to do something i.e. order their tuxes they act like its such an inconvience. My FI and I moved from a smaller town to a much larger town two years ago so I could finish my degree. Back home EVERYONE goes to the same two bars and you always run into people you'd rather not pretend to be nice to. So, a few months ago my FI came to me and said "I dont think I'm going to have a bachelor party" and he seemed really down. My bachelorette party was last weekend and it was a blast! His bachelor party is this weekend. He never really asked the guys about it and they just assumed we would be coming back home for it. Well I didnt want my party there and he didnt want his there either. So thats another thing we are inconviencing his groomsmen with. We live an hour away. My FI went through reserving hotel rooms the cheapest in the area, making golf and dinner reservations, etc. The groomsmen want to golf my FI really doesnt care to he just kind of wanted to go to a few bars and then crash at the hotel. Well last night one of the groomsmen texted him and said "so how much is this weekend going to cost me? my life savings?" Well the rooms are 15 a person. My FI is paying for the golf. So the rest would be whatever they order in drinks. The bachelor party isn't even the main issue. The first thing we did when we got engaged 19 months ago was pick our bridal party. HUGE MISTAKE. Everyone is your best friend when you get engaged. I haven't seen two of my bridesmaids in over 6 months. They didnt come to the bridal shower or bachelorette party. My FI groomsmen are the same way. My FI has said to me "they probably wont even talk to me after the wedding". They just don't make an effort to maintain any sort of friendships. Sorry about the pointless rambling, just had to get it out!Posted by mparkesYour FI shouldn't be planning his own bachelor party. If nobody stepped up to plan it and there's no rule that says it has to be a groomsman, then he doesn't get one. Sucks, but that's etiquette. One doesn't plan parties in one's own honor. Posted by zitiqueen

    A wedding is a party... So should we not
    plan our own wedding? Posted by
    OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]
    A wedding reception is a party, but it's a party that you are hosting to receive the guests who attended your ceremony and thank them. It is not a party that you're hosting in your own honor. That's the difference.



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    I feel bad for our fi.  He is trying and they seem to not care. It sucks.  I hope he had a great party all the same.
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    I feel bad for our fi.  He is trying and they seem to not care. It sucks.  I hope he had a great party all the same.
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