Chit Chat

I tried, but I failed!

This is a vent. Urgh!

So I sort of feel like an idiot. A little over a year ago, I stopped speaking to my best friend. She made me so incredibly angry and did some things I did not think I could forgive.

Fast forward a year, she calls me when my parents were visiting. I didn't answer, and then got ahold of her on Facebook and asked if it was her that had called because I thought I had recognized the number. We then started speaking again, and easily fell back into our friendship like nothing had happened.

That went well for about a month and a half. She asked to come to my wedding, as I hadn't invited her, and I agreed. I wanted her to come, her being there was important to me. I was waiting to tell my mom that she was coming, just in case things fell through again, which was a good idea!

My other best friend, "M", who is a dude, dated F for a couple years and they had a bad breakup. They haven't spoken for years now. I laid down the law with both of them, and told them if there was any BS, even a little bit, the one being the doink was going to get the boot. Fair enough they said, we'll behave. Anyways, this is sort of besides the point.

Actually, I don't really have a point, I'm just yapping.

So...okay, try to follow me here. Three years ago, another very close friend of mine, "B", passed away, and her death was being investigated as manslaughter. The girl whose house B died at, "R", refused to call the ambulance for over 5 hours after they found B dead, because they were partying and there were drugs in the house and they were scared. Well, R died from an overdose this last Monday. F and I got into an argument about it because I always blamed R for B's death - well, that's not right. I had to blame someone though, for what happened, and it was R. Now R is dead, and F brought up the whole "karma" factor, and WHY, I do not know. She knows how I felt about R and her involvement with B's death and the investigation, and bringing up the idea of her dying by way of karma really bothered me. Because yes, that was the first thing I had thought about, and decided I wanted to keep those feelings to myself instead of sharing them with others who knew R and cared about her.

I got very angry at F again because she was showing the same old BS that she always did, which led me to stop speaking to her the first time.

I told her I could not carry on a friendship with her, why I don't know, I just know we can't be friends.

Now, she's flipping out, "I bought a shirt and got it specially tailored for YOUR wedding", to which I replied that she had bought the shirt before I even asked her, so I don't see it as an issue that concerns me, she did that of her own free will; if I hadn't said yes, she would still have the damn tailored shirt.

She's trying to turn this into a wedding issue, and it is not. It's a friend issue. It's an issue with her trying to force me to say "yes, I am glad R died because it justifies B's death". Which is not how I feel anyways, I'm not sure how I feel, but it's all pretty messed up!

I dunno. Like I said I'm just venting. No moral to the story, no real ending to the story, but it feels good typing it out :)
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Re: I tried, but I failed!

  • Yeah this is really confusing. And drama over a friend dying sounds very very immature.
  • People respond to death differently. However, it sounds like your friend said outloud exactly what you were thinking in your head, and you're mad at her for that. Perhaps you should see a counselor- having two different friends die can be really tough, and having someone uninvolved that you can talk to might be a good idea. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:8b6bcd2a-da08-4f35-967a-f10b943fc0e8">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to I tried, but I failed! : This is the most confusing, convoluted post I've read in a long time.  So "F" is the friend you first started talking about in your first paragraph?  Telling us that in the beginning could have been helpful. How old are you all?  You all sound like you're in high school.
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

    Oh, crap. Yes, F is the first person I started talking about. Sorry. I did proof read it, and I guess I missed that important point!

    And yes, it is very confusing and convoluted. Agreed 100% there.

    Uh, what does age have to do with anything? Everyone has wierd issues sometimes, whether they're 15 or 85.

    (again, I don't think I can multi-quote on this site so I'm going through the replies one by one, lol)
  • So you're now not being friends with this girl becuase she said something you were thinking and agreed with, outloud?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:9551e57d-4fb6-4e68-bce2-381cfb02110a">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]People respond to death differently. However, it sounds like your friend said outloud exactly what you were thinking in your head, and you're mad at her for that. Perhaps you should see a counselor- having two different friends die can be really tough, and having someone uninvolved that you can talk to might be a good idea. 
    Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]



    I also agree with this. It sounds like you were thinking the same thing, but didn't want to say it, so why be mad?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:82add45a-6f3f-4346-84c4-b4579e5cefe6">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah this is really confusing. <strong>And drama over a friend dying sounds very very immature.
    </strong>Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

    Ugh, tell me about it! The girl who died this past Monday, R, was no friend of mine. I've had a big grudge against her for refusing, straight up REFUSING, to call the ambulance after they found B dead. The issue, I guess, is F trying to trap me into saying I was glad R died, which was not the case at all.

    But yes, the drama with F over R dying is completely ridiculous. That's precisely why I stopped speaking to her again.

    F is a drama-freaking-QUEEN.
  • Even though you're not friends, it makes me kind of sick to think of two (presumably) young people in the same large circle dying within a few years. That just doesn't happen. I really hope everyone can find peace and closure with whatever they are dealing with regarding these deaths.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:9551e57d-4fb6-4e68-bce2-381cfb02110a">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]People respond to death differently. However, it sounds like your friend said outloud exactly what you were thinking in your head, and you're mad at her for that. Perhaps you should see a counselor- having two different friends die can be really tough, and having someone uninvolved that you can talk to might be a good idea. 
    Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

    Let me try that one again, lol: she knew how I felt about R, and how wrong I thought it was that R didn't call for help when B died, and she was pushing, pushing, pushing for me to say something about how R deserved it. I did say in my original post, not in so many words, that the first thing that popped in to my head when I heard R died was "wow, ain't karma a b!tch". I never even said anything to F about that until she started pushing the conversation. Because really, how wierd is this. R refused to call for help for B, and now R is dead too. I just can't wrap my head around that!

    If anything, I'd go see someone to sort out my feelings about R dying, even though I don't really know the girl and have had a pretty major hate-on for her for the last three years. It's so freaking wierd. I don't even know how I feel about it. All I know is that I don't need to discuss those feelings with F, and I wished she hadn't pushed it. I got mad at her for pushing it, and ended up telling her to leave me alone. 

    So stupid. Wish I never started speaking to her again. Always unecessary drama. You should have seen her at B's funeral. It was ridiculous.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:c7bdabfb-dfc6-4e75-bc69-386c864488f8">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Even though you're not friends, it makes me kind of sick to think of two (presumably) young people in the same large circle dying within a few years. That just doesn't happen. I really hope everyone can find peace and closure with whatever they are dealing with regarding these deaths.
    Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

    And to add to that, B's boyfriend burned to death a few years before she passed. So sad, so wrong.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:e02e1d63-f6e3-42cd-a029-d54ee574f953">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I tried, but I failed! : <strong>You're all acting like 12 year olds.</strong>  That what it has to do with this.  I want to know if you're acting your ages, or if you're all just immature adults.
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

    If you say so.

    Guess we're all just immature adults.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:7914a21d-9e35-4c51-a336-7b388bf6b4ad">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So you're now not being friends with this girl becuase she said something you were thinking and agreed with, outloud?
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

    There's more to it than that, and although my post apparently made it sound that way, that is not the case. I apologize for not being more clear but I explained things as best as I could, and am trying to explain better along the way.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:5629c669-2117-4de7-808c-70317763bce1">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I tried, but I failed! : I also agree with this. It sounds like you were thinking the same thing, but didn't want to say it, so why be mad?
    Posted by BrittneyRN[/QUOTE]

    The "karma" thing popped into my head, yes, and I figured it would be best to just keep those kinds of confused thoughts to myself. I got angry with F when she pushed it; she knows me well enough to know how I might have reacted, however rationally or irrationally it may have been. I didn't feel my impulsive thoughts were appropriate to share, and, like I said, she pushed and pushed because she knew how I disliked R. 
  • And, for the record, I'm not trying to be snarky with anyone. I see that my initial post was not clear, and am trying to explain.

  • You are venting and you have every right to so do... thoughts spilled out like when someone creatively writes a rough draft of a book... thoughts and sentences jumbled together and seems confusing at first.  i got it though.  

    I think you need to sort through your feelings.  I understand why you got upset again at your friend but I think you should work it out with her... once you calm down and can be rational explain to her why you got so upset.  Once you talk it through, you have to sort through your feelings and try to get over the issues involved in your friends death and the person you blamed for it.  
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:82b76e67-ed4b-40ff-9540-15969edf8d42">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I tried, but I failed! : And to add to that, B's boyfriend burned to death a few years before she passed. So sad, so wrong.
    Posted by jaybomb[/QUOTE]
    What kind of crowd do you hang out with?! How can there be that much death in one group of friends?<div>
    </div><div>Sounds like you're fed up with F again. Disinviting her to your wedding is a friendship-ending move but if you're fine with it, go ahead.</div>
    Due 10/21/13 with our first baby BabyFruit Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:80f6425f-025e-470f-ae94-079e103d2041">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You are venting and you have every right to so do... thoughts spilled out like when someone creatively writes a rough draft of a book... thoughts and sentences jumbled together and seems confusing at first.  i got it though.   I think you need to sort through your feelings.  I understand why you got upset again at your friend but I think you should work it out with her... once you calm down and can be rational explain to her why you got so upset.  Once you talk it through, you have to sort through your feelings and try to get over the issues involved in your friends death and the person you blamed for it.  
    Posted by librababy[/QUOTE]

    I agree, I definitely need to sort out my feelings. There are so many of them!

    It's hard not to get upset with her, considering our past, and what happened when we initially stopped talking the first time. Just drama drama BS all over the board. I won't do it anymore. She like, thrives on this stuff, and I fed into it for much too long, and I didn't even really realize that I was doing it. It was only when I got older did I realize how unhealthy it was for me.  

    I just feel like an idiot for thinking/hoping she would be different. Of course she wouldn't be, you are who you are, right? 

    It's like, she wanted me to say I was glad R died so that she would have something to be desperately upset about. That's her style.

    Argh. I'm just going to leave it alone. I don't want her in my life for all sorts of reasons besides this little flail we're having, and it was silly of me to think it would be different after taking a "break" for a year. Sigh.

    Thanks for the vent session and sorry for the confusion.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:ab2a390f-75e5-4559-957c-2d39853f2911">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I tried, but I failed! : What kind of crowd do you hang out with?! <strong>How can there be that much death in one group of friends?</strong> Sounds like you're fed up with F again. Disinviting her to your wedding is a friendship-ending move but if you're fine with it, go ahead.
    Posted by AceTT[/QUOTE]

    Lol, sweetheart, you don't know the half of it. And I wish I had the answer.

    Yes, I am fed up with F again. It actually happened opposite of how you said it though - I ended the friendship for completely wedding-unrelated reason, which, in turn, "disinvited" her to the wedding.

    As for "what kind of crowd" I hang out with, do you not think that was a tad ignorant of you to say? What kind of crowd do YOU hang out with where they're all lucky enough not to die by accident? Because that's totally relevent.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:2ac68d55-e8de-4444-b1e3-2c03971a4023">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I tried, but I failed! : How did this happen?
    Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

    Motorcycle accident. He hit a van and the bike burst into flames. B was supposed to be with him actually, but she stayed behind to spend more time with a mutual friend.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:be159fc7-0752-40bf-8c7d-82f061762318">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I tried, but I failed! : Lol, sweetheart, you don't know the half of it. And I wish I had the answer. Yes, I am fed up with F again. It actually happened opposite of how you said it though - I ended the friendship for completely wedding-unrelated reason, which, in turn, "disinvited" her to the wedding. <strong>As for "what kind of crowd" I hang out with, do you not think that was a tad ignorant of you to say? What kind of crowd do YOU hang out with where they're all lucky enough not to die by accident? Because that's totally relevent.</strong>
    Posted by jaybomb[/QUOTE]
    I asked what type of crowd because you mentioned the drugs, overdosing, partying, etc. It just seems very odd to me that you would know of 3 people in your group of friends to have passed away.<div>
    </div><div>I guess I hang out with a crowd that doesn't do drugs, therefore not overdosing, and parties a "normal" amount. So there you have it.</div>
    Due 10/21/13 with our first baby BabyFruit Ticker
  • So... was this a vent or do you need advice? It sounds like a vent, but advice wise there is nothing to do. You guys have a crappy friendship if you end it over an argument when emotions are high. Who cares about her shirt. Who cares if you uninvited her... it's a relationship ending move and clearly thats what you're going for.
    image
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited May 2012
    Yeah ... not really getting why you're mad at somebody for saying what you're actually thinking, even if it is insensitive. I know you keep coming back and trying to "re-explain" it, but really. You thought it. F said it. And now you're mad at her for doing so.

    Something tells me that F isn't the only one that's a "drama-freaking-QUEEN" here.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    With so many people involved in this story, I find it's usually easier to follow when there are fake names, not just initials.  At least then I know easily who is male and who is female.
  • I'm butting in here, but I am sorry- I just can't get past the fact that NOBODY called the ambulance. There had to be others who saw her dead and yet nobody called because your friend refused to? This doesn't sit right with me.
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  • OP I'm sorry all this drama is going on but knowing your friend has passed away wouldn't you not want to let a stupid argument ruin you friendship? Don't you think that with the 2 deaths life is really short so maybe you'd like to not sweat the small stuff and keep your friend? I don't know it's just me but when my friends and I start to get all irrational I agree to disagree and move on.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-tried-but-i-failed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:42c17fa2-e8c8-4377-b3c8-4382d5dea167Post:e14c29a4-665f-4ff4-8119-7d9f33a33470">Re: I tried, but I failed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm butting in here, but I am sorry- I just can't get past the fact that NOBODY called the ambulance. There had to be others who saw her dead and yet nobody called because your friend refused to? This doesn't sit right with me.
    Posted by mekiakoo[/QUOTE]



    This doesn't sit right with me either.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • So, it still basically sounds like what a lot of PPs have said. You thought it, she said it, you're pissed that she knows you or the situation so well that she said what you were thinking. As far as her "pushing" you to admit it, maybe she thought you'd feel a little better if you just said it out loud. Maybe she thought the two of you could talk about it and both get a little closure. Maybe she thought you were being a hypocrite for not saying something that she, and, let's face it, probably all of your friends knew you were thinking. It sound like your feelings on "R" are pretty well known. 

    Do you distrust "F" so much that you think she would spread anything you said on the subject in confidence around everyone you know? If that's the case, then a) they probably already know how you feel if they know what went down and b) you obviously don't have a friendship built on any sort of trust. It sounds like you got embarrassed because she called you on something and you still want to feel like a good person so you're pissed that your true feelings are so obvious. 

    I had a guy in my circle of college friends die a year after we all finished school. While he wasn't my friend, we had many mutual ones and I lived in a house with him and several roommates for a year or so. He was a total sociopath. He did some truly awful things to some people I was close to; he didn't let anyone die, but he was a pretty crappy human being who never showed any sort of remorse and was only out for himself. While he never did anything beyond extremely annoying to me, he hurt a lot of people in the 4 years I knew him. He died of a brain tumor about a year after I graduated. My absolute first thought was "karma." Now, I would like to think of myself as a generally good person, but I know that thought was extremely wrong, but when I was called on it by a friend of mine who knew us both, I straight up admitted it.  I did feel bad for his family, and it's always awful to have a life cut short, and logically I know that his illness had nothing to do with how he treated people, but it's okay to have the gut-check reaction. And then you move past it. But trying to pretend that you were all Mary Sunshine about someone you obviously had a complicated relationship with is silly. 
    image
  • Wow ladies, I don't even know what to say in response to your judgy-ness and negativity.

    For whoever asked, it was a vent, not looking for advise.

    For the record, B did not die of an overdose. She made a crappy decision and drank with her meds. I was not there. It was R's house and I don't know why no one else called the ambulance, other than apparently there were drugs there and they were scared to call. I was never sure of that fact since it was second hand info, but now that R overdosed, I believe that to be true. I don't even know what B was doing hanging out with those losers. I live over 15 hours away and did at that point as well. The manslaughter investigation was initiated because there was a good chance she could have been saved should the ambulance been called earlier. 

    Anyways, you girls give'r, I'm not posting in this thread anymore. I appreciate the constructive feedback though. I obviously can't make anyone understand, nor was that my intention...I just wanted to vent to strangers who knew nothing about the situation.

    Again, R was NOT my friend, never has been.

    I also don't see how ANYONE has the right to judge others on how they react to death.

    I also DON'T think my reaction to R's death has been appropriate, which is why I did not want to discuss it with F. F kept pushing it, and it made me angry. I guess that makes me a real shitty person. Either way, I do not want to continue my friendship with F. I just don't. I don't care about her shirt, it just pissed me off that she tried to make it my problem. I made the mistake of saying "yes" when she asked to come to the wedding - I found it hard to say no because we were trying to re-build, and that would have been a kicker right there.

    I dunno. Whatever. Thanks for letting me vent I guess.
  • Don't worry that Karma that you talked about comes back to the rude people on this forum also. People will always be bullies over the internet it's how they get their kicks......
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