I don't even know what to call this

emeejeeayen

Who wants to hear a crazy story?

I wrote a very long time ago about a bridesmaid / best friend that was headed down a very dangerous spiral with drugs and alcohol. For a long time I thought I was helping by being someone she could talk to, but I slowly realized that I was just enabling her behavior. Plus, she would not stop insulting me, my FI, our relationship, our friends, etc. It was toxic.

About 7 months ago, literally a year out from our wedding, she told me that her sister's wedding was going to be on the same exact weekend on the east coast (whereas mine is ont the west coast) and that she would not be able to attend mine. I told her I completely understood, and it was more important that she be at her sister's wedding. I even joked about having someone carry a photo of her down the aisle. 

When I told FI about this he immediately told me she was lying. After I pressed him for evidence, he eventually fessed up that she had drunkely spilled to one of his friends that she just didn't want to attend our wedding; she thought it would be boring. (Keep in mind that she grew up in this area, and it would be no physical inconvenience for her to attend.) After a lot of thought, I decided to just sever ties with her. 

Lately, I've been feeling guilty about this. 

But not anymore. Why? Because she posted a photo on instagram of her sister's save the date, and it is absolutely not the same weekend as my wedding. A year out from my wedding, she blatantly lied about a conflict that she would never be able to take back (not like, "Oh, I think I might have a photoshoot that weekend," which would have been plausible.) 

I guess I feel better? I certainly don't feel guilty anymore, that's for sure. 

emeejeeayen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-even-know-what-to-call-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:475305b0-80e9-4c29-a3c1-c3406ccf97bdPost:d00d0f67-2128-49b7-b93c-c0c7e1488c91">Re: I don't even know what to call this</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused.  You were feeling guilty about cutting ties with her over lying to you, but now you aren't because there is photo evidence that she lied to you? Don't get me wrong, it sounds like you were probably right to do so, I just don't get why this is a new thing now.  I also don't get why you're "friends" or whatever with someone you've severed ties with.  
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Oops, sorry. Details!</div><div>
</div><div>I didn't realize I was friends with her on instagram anymore, to be honest - she rarely posts anything. We're not friends on facebook anymore. (Is it even friends on instagram? What's the terminology?)</div><div>
</div><div>I was feeling guilty about severing ties because I have a need to try to ~help people, and I thought, "Well, maybe she didn't lie?" She'd never owned up to it.  </div><div>
</div><div>But out of the blue, bam: instagram photo evidence. </div>

Peledreamsofrain

Good for you, it's really hard to sever ties with a friend who has changed for the worse.  I've had to do it a couple of times, and it's always painful.  Be proud of the strength it took, and for the care you are taking in your overall life health.

AddieCake

I have been severing ties with a lot of toxic people this past year, including family, and you are definitely better off without her. 

AJuliaNJ

Wow...did she really think the truth wasn't going to come out about something like that? With Facebook, FourSquare, and Instagram (heck, it even tells me exactly where people are located in some iPhone games I play), how did she think you wouldn't find out? If she couldn't be honest, there were many more believable lies she could have told. That was just dumb.

I'd sever all ties. She obviously isn't one of your friends if she doesn't want to attend one of the most important days of your life because she thinks it will be boring. I doubt your wedding will be at all boring, but even if it was, how many times have we done really boring things with our friends? You also mentioned she was insulting. I don't see any reason to keep her around. It isn't your job to fix her.

I would not confront her about this because I feel like she is probably the type that will make up another lie to cover this one up, such as saying the photo was just a sample, or her sister had to push back the wedding.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-even-know-what-to-call-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:475305b0-80e9-4c29-a3c1-c3406ccf97bdPost:4ec45a13-5d4b-4dd2-b02d-7600b9b36c48">Re: I don't even know what to call this</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been severing ties with a lot of toxic people this past year, including family, and you are definitely better off without her. 
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>Addie, teach me your ways! Haha.</div>

Angelface225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-even-know-what-to-call-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:475305b0-80e9-4c29-a3c1-c3406ccf97bdPost:4ec45a13-5d4b-4dd2-b02d-7600b9b36c48">Re: I don't even know what to call this</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been severing ties with a lot of toxic people this past year, including family, and you are definitely better off without her. 
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]



I've been doing this too. It makes life so much simpler and less dramatic.

McRogol

Just had to do this myself...an old college friend who I was very close with and who introduced FI and I was making up rather awful implications about FI and sharing them with our mutual friends and myself.  It's so hard to do and yet without her in my life and her MUD, I am remarkably drama-free.  

Good for you!  I know it isn't easy.