Just a FMIL/Xmas vent..

Rachel5527

I just needed to vent ladies.

I am going to Atlanta with my FI and my FMIL on Saturday. We are taking care of my dads xmas, then going to mass, then going to my moms all on xmas eve. Then first this Sat morning me and my FI are getting up, meeting his mom, and driving the 3-4 hours to Atlanta. I have never met his family, and we are getting married in May, so I wanted to meet them before the wedding, so that our wedding day wouldnt be my first time meeting ALL these people. We will be hopping around to about 4 different houses that day. I have about 50 new people to meet this weekend.

I am totally fine with meeting his family, just very nervous. And did I mention that I cant really stand my FMIL? Yeah. Yikes.. She's a very nice person, she just doesnt ever shut up, she has no common sense whatsoever, and constantly whines an cries, and plays the helpless southern belle. She's always the victim. She fawns over me like a little puppy dog. If you can imagine someone constantly petting you, stroking your face, hair, shoulders, rubbing your back, telling you they love you, hugging you, etc.. I mean CONSTANT, it doesnt ever stop.

For example, if the 3 of us go somewhere, and she rides in the back, and us 2 in the front, she will sit in the center of the backseat, and lean up right in between us the entire time we are in the car. And all the while she is right up in our faces, she is petting my arm or stroking my hair. I dont know about you, but I find that VERY strange. Its really weird to have someone all over me all the time. Maybe I am not used to that? I've told a friend, and she doesnt seem to think that's normal either.

I had a talk with my FI last night, because he thinks that I just hate his mother. So I explained to him that I dont hate her, I'm just not used to all the touchy, feely, grabby way that she is. He doesnt know how he is suppose to go about telling her to back off of me. I told him because I knew if I said something to her, that she would take it the wrong way, and start crying and asking me why I hate her. (A similiar situation happened this past summer, where she pulled me aside at 3am to have a talk that lasted 30 min, after we got back from Miami. A 14 hr drive. But thats a WHOLE other story)

My FMIL has been nothing but a royal pain in my butt since the start. She asked us if she could stay at OUR house this summer when we went to FL for the week, I thought that was rude, but whatever, I went with it. Then when her car broke down 3 months ago, she made us feel like it should be our problem. She whined and cried about not being able to get to work, needing rides everywhere, etc. We ended up loaning her my FI car for a month, then my FI pretty much had to find a car for her. But it couldnt cost more than $1000! And it had to look good, run, and have heat and a/c! That is also a whole other story. And nightmare. I cant tell you how much we argued because of her.

I personally think she should put on her big girl panties and deal with her own problems instead of piling them all onto us. Waaahh Waaahh, I'm soo poor, my car broke down, I need a ride, I cant find a job, Poor Poor me. Its always a pity party with her. And I just dont feed into her b.s, and Its almost like she keeps crying to get me to feel sorry for her or something. She's a 65 yr old woman that managed to raise my FI all on her own. How is she like this now? I just dont get it.

So anyone have any advice on how to deal with her for the entire weekend? My FI said that we could come back Sat night, but he thinks we would be too rushed. I would prefer to come back the same day so I dont have to deal with her. If you can imagine an entire weekend with a whiny, pity party throwing, helpess victim who wont stop touching, stroking, hugging, and petting.. that will be my weekend.

I never pictured our first Christmas together to be like this I really thought we would wake up on Christmas morning together, open presents, do all the house hopping here in town, and call it a day. If these people are so important, how come they dont come HERE!? They have had to go there every year for the past 25 years. If they are such great, wonderful, close family, then where are they the rest of the year? Why dont they come here and visit for Christmas one year?

SarahPLiz

The next time she touches you, just flat out tell her that it makes you uncomfortable. She's doing it because she doesn't recognize that. You need to tell her. FIL patted my head once, and I told him that I really don't appreciate people touching my hair. He apologized and hasn't done it again and I don't think it upset him. 

[Deleted User]

If your FI knows about these things and how much you dislike them, he needs to have a talk with her. Afterall, it is his Mom.

Just be polite to her, but just don't play into her little games and manipulations.

waltzingmatilda13

Somebody needs to explain to her now that you don't like being touched constantly. If you don't draw your boundary lines now you are never going to see them again. Just be firm and polite and if she throws a hissy fit and acts all hurt just tell her you aren't telling her this to hurt her, you just don't like to be touched. Then don't give in to her games. She'll get over it.

sister2groom

You should tell her you're not very touchy-feely, but you may not get a good opportunity (or you might be afraid doing so now will make the whole weekend much worse). For this weekend at the very least I would either make her drive or put her in the front seat, you sitting as far away as possible in the back (and put stuff on the other seat so you can't easily move over). That will take care of 6-7 hours of the trip.

And as far as her whining goes, can you think upconversation topics ahead of time that you can talk about instead?

I'm sorry she's so annoying, but don't take your frustration with your MIL out on his extended family. I don't where you located are with respect to the rest of the family, but it's not really reasonable to expect all 50 of them to come up to visit just the 3 of you just because this happens to be the year you get engaged. I mean, I always have had to drive the two-three hours to see family on Christmas morning because it was relatively central for almost everyone, that's just the way it's always been.

As far as when you come back, it doesn't have to be either the whole weekend or Saturday night. You could come back first thing Sunday morning as a compromise.

Rachel5527

I've been running through in my head what it will be like in the car. Thats my main concern is the 3-4 hours there, and the 3-4 hours coming back. I cant decide if I should sit in the back, with my phone and my ipod and just stay out of it entirely. Or if I should drive, so she cant touch me, and if she does, I can say "Kris, I dont really apprectiate that when I am driving." Or if I should stick her in the back, put my arm on the armrest, and hold hands with FI so she cant butt her way to the front.

I am not worried about the weekend with his extended family, just nervous about meeting them, will they like me, all that stuff.

I got to thinking too, maybe they dont ever come and visit throughout the year, because they all feel the same way about her that I do. I guess I will find out.

My dad gave me a handful of xanax last night and said Have Fun. LoL. I guess thats one way to deal with it..haha.

I would really like to tell her not to touch me, and be very firm about it. I just dont know how. I'm sure when she starts in on me Sat morning, I'll figure it out, but then again, its Christmas, and I dont want to seem rude. Oh well. Christmas or not, she needs to stop effing touching me. Period. And I am gonna let her know!!

Rachel5527

oh, and s2g, making her drive is a good idea, except she wont go over 55mph, even on the interstate. We will never make it! lol. So me or FI will drive, and she can tell me to slow down all she wants. If she wants to go slower, she can drive her own car next year.

And ONE more thing, I smoke. and so does FI. Last time I was in the car with her for an hour and a half, and I couldnt wait anymore, between her mouth and driving so long, so I lit one up. She was in the backseat waving her arms around, plugging her nose, and complaining. And this was a time when she had asked us for a ride, because she had no car. I'll love to see how a 4 hr trip goes..

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_just-fmilxmas-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:50806ba8-91c5-4edb-bbdb-852130dca4f1Post:7e73c171-5dea-43bd-874a-a9056536dc71">Just a FMIL/Xmas vent..</a>:
[QUOTE]I just needed to vent ladies. I am going to Atlanta with my FI and my FMIL on Saturday. We are taking care of my dads xmas, then going to mass, then going to my moms all on xmas eve. Then first this Sat morning me and my FI are getting up, meeting his mom, and driving the 3-4 hours to Atlanta. I have never met his family, and we are getting married in May, so I wanted to meet them before the wedding, so that our wedding day wouldnt be my first time meeting ALL these people. We will be hopping around to about 4 different houses that day. I have about 50 new people to meet this weekend. I am totally fine with meeting his family, just very nervous. And did I mention that I cant really stand my FMIL? Yeah. Yikes.. She's a very nice person, she just doesnt ever shut up, she has no common sense whatsoever, and constantly whines an cries, and plays the helpless southern belle. She's always the victim. She fawns over me like a little puppy dog. If you can imagine someone constantly petting you, stroking your face, hair, shoulders, rubbing your back, telling you they love you, hugging you, etc.. I mean CONSTANT, it doesnt ever stop. For example, if the 3 of us go somewhere, and she rides in the back, and us 2 in the front, she will sit in the center of the backseat, and lean up right in between us the entire time we are in the car. And all the while she is right up in our faces, she is petting my arm or stroking my hair. I dont know about you, but I find that VERY strange. Its really weird to have someone all over me all the time. Maybe I am not used to that? I've told a friend, and she doesnt seem to think that's normal either. I had a talk with my FI last night, because he thinks that I just hate his mother. So I explained to him that I dont hate her, I'm just not used to all the touchy, feely, grabby way that she is. He doesnt know how he is suppose to go about telling her to back off of me. I told him because I knew if I said something to her, that she would take it the wrong way, and start crying and asking me why I hate her. (A similiar situation happened this past summer, where she pulled me aside at 3am to have a talk that lasted 30 min, after we got back from Miami. A 14 hr drive. But thats a WHOLE other story) My FMIL has been nothing but a royal pain in my butt since the start. She asked us if she could stay at OUR house this summer when we went to FL for the week, I thought that was rude, but whatever, I went with it. Then when her car broke down 3 months ago, she made us feel like it should be our problem. She whined and cried about not being able to get to work, needing rides everywhere, etc. We ended up loaning her my FI car for a month, then my FI pretty much had to find a car for her. But it couldnt cost more than $1000! And it had to look good, run, and have heat and a/c! That is also a whole other story. And nightmare.<strong><u> I cant tell you how much we argued because of her. I personally think she should put on her big girl panties and deal with her own problems instead of piling them all onto us. Waaahh Waaahh, I'm soo poor, my car broke down, I need a ride, I cant find a job, Poor Poor me. Its always a pity party with her.</u></strong> And I just dont feed into her b.s, and Its almost like she keeps crying to get me to feel sorry for her or something. She's a 65 yr old woman that managed to raise my FI all on her own. How is she like this now? I just dont get it. So anyone have any advice on how to deal with her for the entire weekend? My FI said that we could come back Sat night, but he thinks we would be too rushed. I would prefer to come back the same day so I dont have to deal with her. If you can imagine an entire weekend with a whiny, pity party throwing, helpess victim who wont stop touching, stroking, hugging, and petting.. that will be my weekend. I never pictured our first Christmas together to be like this :( I really thought we would wake up on Christmas morning together, open presents, do all the house hopping here in town, and call it a day. If these people are so important, how come they dont come HERE!? They have had to go there every year for the past 25 years. If they are such great, wonderful, close family, then where are they the rest of the year? Why dont they come here and visit for Christmas one year?
Posted by Rachel5527[/QUOTE]

Why on earth should she? She whines and cries and people give her cars and a place to stay and money and rides to wherever she needs to go. Why would she want that to stop? She does it because it works. It's not her fault nobody will stand up to her and say NO.

Your problem isn't just with your FMIL, it's with your FI too. If you're arguing about her now, guess what? It won't stop once you slide that ring on his finger.

sister2groom

Maybe you stock up on really bittersweet Christmas stories. You know, like the kind where the kids are grateul because the parents saved up for weeks to buy them one ball or a Barbie or something. It kind of makes you feel dumb whining after you hear one of those stories.

Rachel5527

<<<Why on earth should she? She whines and cries and people give her cars and a place to stay and money and rides to wherever she needs to go. Why would she want that to stop? She does it because it works. It's not her fault nobody will stand up to her and say NO.

Your problem isn't just with your FMIL, it's with your FI too. If you're arguing about her now, guess what? It won't stop once you slide that ring on his finger. />>>

Money? A place to stay? Not so quick. I wish you could meet this gem. lol. Try saying NO for months and months, and still hearing the whining, and crying. FMIL loaned FI $6000 two years ago, and he feels like he owes her something. So thats alot of the loaning her a car, helping her find a car, etc. I told FI that he needs to cut the cord. She loaned him the money because SHE volunteered to. I told him that he cant spend the rest of his life trying to re-pay her. He did what he did, she did what she did, and its done.

[Deleted User]

Yeah, I think you have bigger problems on your hands. Your FI needs to grow some balls and stand up to his Mom. And I would get these things resolved before you get married, bc like pp's said, it isn't going get any better once you are married unless you nip these problems in the butt right now.

mypalbabs

yep, if anyone needs new underwear, it's your FI.  start with that.

PS - It's your first Christmas together and you're getting married in the spring of 2011?

Pesapenny

Like people said, it's important to set boundaries or else you'll never get them back. Next time she touches you, say something direct and clear.

Next time she whines, shut her down, and don't engage her. I wouldn't come up with a sob story, that's immature.

Say, "Oh, that's terrible." and then move on, change the subject. The less you listen to her and validate her whines, the better. Also, I think your FI needs to step up and have an honest conversation with his mom, about how things are going to change now you're getting married.

Rachel5527

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_just-fmilxmas-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:50806ba8-91c5-4edb-bbdb-852130dca4f1Post:527dce0d-9a72-4a7e-a209-b999677c0cca">Re: Just a FMIL/Xmas vent..</a>:
[QUOTE]yep, if anyone needs new underwear, it's your FI.  start with that. PS - It's your first Christmas together and you're getting married in the spring of 2011?
Posted by mypalbabs[/QUOTE]

Yep. Long story short, we met last november, started dating in Jan, got engaged in Feb and planned the wedding for May. Ya'll may think I am crazy, but when you know, you KNOW.

Rachel5527

They are calling for snow friday, saturday, and sunday. Oh geez. Wouldnt that be just terrible if we couldnt make it over the mountains in my Honda Accord. lol. I'm so bad.