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Matron of honor driving me CRAZY!! :-(

I have a matron of honor and a maid because I couldn't force myself to choose between a close friend from childhood and a new friend I have made in the past year  and a half. one is married so I chose to have a matron and maid. HOWEVER my matron of honor and newer friend has been talking about my wedding forever and she wanted so bad to be in my wedding but now that the time has come to dress shop and start getting ideas she is a NO SHOW. I have had several dress shopping  appointments for my dress and ended up taking my maid of honor and aunt because I made plans with the three of them and she ended up not showing. she always says she will call if she isn't going to show and she never does! I have tried getting ahold of her the night before to check as well as day of every time and she says the night before she is definitely coming and then the day of always says she is too busy! I am starting to get really hurt because I consider her a close friend and when I talk to her about it she apologizes and tells me she is my best friend and she will be there but she never is... all she can seem to focus on is the bachellorette party because she has tons of ideas for that but nothing else... I am relying on my maid of honor and she is there for everything day or night. I am really considering excusing my matron of honor from my wedding at this point because we are having a destination wedding in TN and as my Aunt told me the other day during a dress fitting "can I rely on her to show up out of state if she can't even show up to a scheduled dress appointment across town?" my aunt is not a snippy person and would not say anything if she was not asked or did not feel I was being truly wronged. I am hurt by what I see as my matron of honor's lack of respect for me. I feel she is only interested in partying and drinking and it is making me angry. my FI told me to excuse her from the wedding because I have sincerely tried to talk to her  about this especially without pointing fingers... I don't even think she will show up for her own dress appointment because she was scheduled tuesday for hers and did not show... :-( I just hate being disrespectful to anyone...

Re: Matron of honor driving me CRAZY!! :-(

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    Your bridesmaids (including Matron/Maid of honor) only have to A) dress themselves, and B) show up to the wedding sober.   Anything else is above and beyond.  It's fine if you want to invite them to go dress-shopping with you, but they shouldn't be expected to go.   

    I agree that it sucks when a friend bails on you and doesn't call.  In the future, I recommend telling her something like "We're meeting at X location at Y time to go cake-tasting, and would love for you to join us if you're free" then leave it at that.  If she shows, great, if not, then oh well.

    As for HER dress -- find out her budget (and ask your other bridesmaids too), find a dress in said budget, and give her details of when/how to order.  It would be nice to show her the dress options before you select one, but if she doesn't have time or won't show up, then that's on her.

    As far as "excusing" her from your bridal party -- this is a friendship-ending move.  If you aren't ready to end the friendship, then don't ask her to step down.
    DSC_9275
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_matron-of-honor-driving-me-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:510022d3-eae7-4794-9834-b305c4310023Post:3b8d3beb-1e9c-4369-896c-c7aee5e0f902">Matron of honor driving me CRAZY!! :-(</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a matron of honor and a maid because I couldn't force myself to choose between a close friend from childhood and a new friend I have made in the past year  and a half. one is married so I chose to have a matron and maid. HOWEVER my matron of honor and newer friend has been talking about my wedding forever and she wanted so bad to be in my wedding but now that the time has come to dress shop and start getting ideas she is a NO SHOW. I have had several dress shopping  appointments for my dress and ended up taking my maid of honor and aunt because I made plans with the three of them and she ended up not showing. she always says she will call if she isn't going to show and she never does! I have tried getting ahold of her the night before to check as well as day of every time and she says the night before she is definitely coming and then the day of always says she is too busy! I am starting to get really hurt because I consider her a close friend and when I talk to her about it she apologizes and tells me she is my best friend and she will be there but she never is... all she can seem to focus on is the bachellorette party because she has tons of ideas for that but nothing else... I am relying on my maid of honor and she is there for everything day or night. I am really considering excusing my matron of honor from my wedding at this point because we are having a destination wedding in TN and <strong>as my Aunt told me the other day during a dress fitting "can I rely on her to show up out of state if she can't even show up to a scheduled dress appointment across town?"</strong> my aunt is not a snippy person and would not say anything if she was not asked or did not feel I was being truly wronged. I am hurt by what I see as my matron of honor's lack of respect for me. I feel she is only interested in partying and drinking and it is making me angry. my FI told me to excuse her from the wedding because I have sincerely tried to talk to her  about this especially without pointing fingers... I don't even think she will show up for her own dress appointment because she was scheduled tuesday for hers and did not show... :-( I just hate being disrespectful to anyone...
    Posted by BriLeigh89[/QUOTE]
    Well that's just a ridiculous parallel.  Showing up at the wedding is all she has to do - anything else is gravy.  Kicking her out of your wedding because she's not attending your dress shopping appointments is a douche move.  Back up your expectations.



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    Have you spoken to your MatronOH about anything non-wedding related lately? Like a real conversation? That would be a good start. What are the things that she is busy with? Is something deeper going on?

    Additionally, your wedding party aren't planning slaves. I'm not quite sure that a year out is when you should rely on a MOH for anything day or night. If you are, they will get fed up with you fast. How many dress appointments do you seriously expect them to go to? It sounds like overkill to me, give them a break.

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    I have kind of had a similar situation with my Maid of Honor lately...she has a problem even just returning my phone calls.  My Maid of Honor is super busy, and my wedding is my priority but certainly not hers nor would I expect it to be...her husband and son for sure come way before my wedding.  I have just left voicemails and said hey, i am doing x on this day and it would be great if you can make it....if she tells me yes, then I still don't plan on her being there and am pleasantly surprised when she comes.  I think lowering your expectations might make you feel better about the situation and you won't be disappointed so much.

    Instead of asking your matron of honor to step down, I think that privately, maybe you should honor your maid of honor with something special for helping you so much during the planning.

    I know it is frustrating...but honestly lowering your expectations I think will really help your frustration.

    Good luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    BriLeigh89BriLeigh89 member
    First Comment
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_matron-of-honor-driving-me-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:510022d3-eae7-4794-9834-b305c4310023Post:0363addc-d748-4a1c-a301-3e6a0cc59487">Re: Matron of honor driving me CRAZY!! :-(</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you spoken to your MatronOH about anything non-wedding related lately? Like a real conversation? That would be a good start. What are the things that she is busy with? Is something deeper going on? Additionally, your wedding party aren't planning slaves. I'm not quite sure that a year out is when you should rely on a MOH for anything day or night. If you are, they will get fed up with you fast. How many dress appointments do you seriously expect them to go to? It sounds like overkill to me, give them a break.
    Posted by courtski2004[/QUOTE]

    <div>fiirst of all the day or night was really just a phrase I call no one about anything after 6. as for non wedding we make plans to go to movies and to hang out or just go to the mall and she bails.  and as for the 6 month before deal my wedding shop wants dresses ordered more than 6 months before so if there is a mistake she has time to send it back and re order.... also its not just wedding stuff it is everything so I think I will just  end the "friendship" that is apparently non existent. as for others commenting on my grammar I don't care what bothers you because A I'm from the midwest/TN so my grammar isn't perfect at all times but I am who I am and I will not change how I talk to change how ppl on here feel about me. honestly ... </div>
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    also I am not freaking out it just drives me up a wall because SHE brings it up. she asks when I'm going and if she can come and when I'm going and when I plan on doing this that and the other... she acts like the wedding planner I don't want to hire. she is in my wedding because she came up and said in a very serious tone with an irritated look "I'm in your wedding right?" so since I hate arguing with her she was in before I had decided anything. my point is, she is causing serious anxiety and excessive drama and I just want to relax and enjoy my time because I'm only doing this once. as for the wedding date it could change at any time. its already been moved up once.. honestly I'm kinda scared of her...
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    Omg BriLeigh89, I posted an exact blog just like this, and basically got attacked like you about my grammar and so forth.... I would love to have a private chat with you and we both can vent cuz I would love to have someone to vent to who will give my opinions and advice instead of correcting me. Im going through something like you are! Hope your situation works out!
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    This is really sad that out of everything this girl is saying and venting about you all point out grammar, get over yourselves! Im sure you all make mistakes and guess what, I dont know if you knew this...no one is perfect!!!

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    When someone's post is difficult to read due to lack of paragraph spacing, poor spelling, and grammar, many people don't bother trying to read. I can't get through the OP because my brain is constantly correcting issues with it.

    If someone is old enough to get married and join the message boards on the Knot, they are old enough to understand basic rules of the English language. There is a spell check function to help catch most errors, hitting enter twice results in a space between paragraphs, and spelling words in full as opposed to textspeak doesn't take more than a couple extra keystrokes.

    Yes, no one is perfect, but OP using her hometown as an excuse for her mistakes is just ignorant.

    OP, why are you scared of your MOH? If you truly do not care if you lose her as a friend, you can "fire" her as your MOH. Talk to her before you decide anything. Don't bring up the wedding related plans, but do ask if everything is okay with her because the last few times you had plans for movies/dinner/etc. she stood you up with no explanation or bailed last minute.

    As far as dress shopping goes, give her a deadline. If she doesn't bother getting it in time to show up at your wedding, she's made her own decision.
    9.17.2010
    planning

    image
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    thank you. I will try to watch my paragraph spacing and the rest. As for some words I use, I am so used to using them they come out before I even think about it. I have been re reading my posts to try and correct these issues before I post. I am sorry it was long and ill spaced. I'm not using my area as an excuse for every spelling mistake but we do use a lot of different words around here than most ppl.

    I guess I will just have to become a walking dictionary since people cannot understand the basic idea because of the lack of perfection in my spelling. 

    And Texas is a lot different than the foothills of the mountains in the south. 

    Trying to fix things one thing at a time. 

    As for my dress I took the several opinions posted and I bought my dress with my mother who came up this week and my aunt and I will be scouting out MOH and BM dresses with my aunt and maid of honor. Matron will just have to suck it up.

    thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it all. 

    hey with spacing my post looks quite pretty! :-)
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    I got better advice so I stayed. People can change their minds. Some can even change their attitudes. I decided to do both. There are enough nice people on here with enough good advice to help me out, so why should I quit posting just because a few can, at times, be rotten apples.

    I have decided to try to get my point across differently, put my attitude on a shelf and ignore the people I find offensive on a stressful day.

    I decided to not worry about my MOH and to keep in better contact with the people who do care, i.e my mom, my aunt, and my best friend.

    Anxiety, tamed; drama, ignored; attitude, reset. Feeling good. 
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