Is this a new trend?

M&R7111

I don't get it with all the people getting their knickers in a bunch because their children were not invited to the wedding.

I keep seeing the same posts over and over again:

"so and so said they won't attend the wedding unless their kids are invited"
"so and so put their kids on the RSVP and say they won't come unless their kids can come"
"FMIL says so and so can't come because they can't find a babysitter for their kid"

I remember having babysitters ALL THE TIME as a kid.  My parents went to weddings often (they had me when they were 22, so MANY friends got married while I was still a lil one).  I never went to those weddings (except immediate family like my Aunt's, and I was the flower girl)

Did I miss something?  Is it now not cool to leave your kid home with your parents or a sitter?  Is this the affect of helicopter parenting?  GO OUT WITHOUT YOUR KIDS!  I also am seeing more and more kids at pubs after 9:00pm or at nice restaurants screaming and knocking into wait staff.  Has the world gone bonkers??

Now- I know there are exceptions like a newborn or really small infant, and if all of the family is going to be at the wedding and they don't trust a non-family member with that young of a child.  But for older kids, like 4, 5, 6, 7?  What's the deal??

vegasgroom

It's probably a side effect of everyone doing such poor parenting these days that they're afraid to leave the kid alone or with a sitter; when I was a kid the sitter's only real purpose was to make sure I ate and went to bed on time, she didn't have to worry about anything else because I knew I'd be in some sh*t when my dad got home if I didn't do what I was supposed to.  These days little darling has to be bribed to go to bed with a toy or promise of an extra hour of tv time and a happy meal the next day if they stop crying, etc.  It's pitiful.

M&R7111

Yeah vegas -

And that is why many people don't want children at the wedding, because they are not controlled by their parents!!  It's a Catch - 22 I guess!

All I know is when I was a kid and we were out somewhere, especially somewhere nice, you didn't f*ck around.  You sat straight, kept quiet, and if we cried my father would "give us something to cry about". 

And - my parents just didn't go out when we were too young to know better.  They never let us scream and fuss as an infant in a public place, they just stayed home.

I remember many times being in a restaurant with my two younger brothers and people actually coming up to the table complementing on how well behaved we were.  That's because my parents laid down the law - and they only needed to do it once!!

quotequeen

Some people think weddings are family affairs, to which everybody should be invited.  Others think they are for adults and children don't belong there.  Neither is wrong, but just because your parents didn't bring you to weddings when  you were little doesn't mean it's a new thing for parents to think children should be invited to weddings.  I went to tons of weddings as a kid, and it had nothing to do with my parents being unwilling to leave me at home.  It was because in our circle, kids always attended weddings.

I think it's fine for couples to decide they want kid-free weddings, but it's also the guests' right to decide they don't want to attend without their children.

wwnbw

i'm not having kids at my wedding. people have RSVP'D for them and i have had to call and tell them NO....akward!

FI and i have 3 kids (he has a 10 yo, 2 yo, and i have a 3 yo) and we can NEVER find a babysitter we don't have family close by and i don't trust getting someone off CL to watch my kids. and it's not like we have everyother weekend because the 10 yo and 3 yo NEVER leave. the last time we had a night alone was may 8th and the next time will prolly be our wedding night...pretty depressing LOL
my kids are very well behaved.

jillaaron2010

We are only allowing the kids of family members to come to our wedding Nephews, cousins etc.  I am hoping this works (I haven't sent the invitations yet) but we put only the couple's names on the invitations and our response cards only has room for 2 people to respond.  If people start writing in their kids I am going to be pissed. 

Why would you want to bring your kid to a wedding anyway???  Weddings are boring to kids and then you have to chase them around during the reception.  I think it is a great excuse for a night out without the kids!!  Kind of a date night.... 

If the guests won't come because their kids can't come........great!  one less person I have to pay for!!!

ehathewa

If the parents have to travel for the weekend and cannot bring their kids that makes it more complicated.  They either have to get a sitter for a few days (hahaha good luck), or a stranger in a hotel room (not fun for kids, possibly unsettling for parents). 

I went to tons of weddings as kids.  We had a great time and behaved ourselves.  We loved having cake and kiddie cocktails and dancing! 

jenn.daniel

I completely understand people not wanting kids at a wedding because SO many kids don't behave.  At the last wedding we attended a kid kept running around on the dance floor, which was really annoying.  At another wedding, we were there over an hour before we even realized there were kids there because they were so well behaved.  My parents wouldn't let me misbehave in public, and I hate it when parents let their kids make a fuss at the store or a restaurant.  If they can't behave, don't take them in public!

I only had a babysitter once, when my parents went to a funeral.  Otherwise, I went to my Nana and Grandpa's if my parents went out of town or just out to dinner.  They laid down the law too - once Grandpa threatened to pull over and kick me out of the car if I didn't calm down.

tldh

OP - I was wondering the same thing.  I remember mom bringing home wedding cake for me and my brothers.  I can only remember one wedding I attended as a kid.

Also, I think we had the same family.  My brothers are 4 and 7 years younger than me.  I developed a "look" that I would shoot at the boys that they'd better knock it off or dad was going to get involved.  I still shoot the look at them every now and then as an adult and they say it still burns their soul.

JCM10

I never had babysitters when I was little, but that had more to do with having local family and my parent's friends also having small children...so we were included in social activities mostly.

Two words explain this current trent: Helicopter Parents.

I know a lot of people like this. I know my mom had tons of friends (playgroup type situations & church) who she could have left me with easily....

jillaaron2010

Really it is the people (me and my FH) who are paying for the wedding that should be allowed to decide if kids can come or not.  Although some kids can be bad and

obnoxious, the biggest reason people don't invite kids today has to be cost.   I can't afford to pay for all my friend's kids to eat.  Everything adds up and people should understand that $ is a big reason kids aren't invited. 

mnfoster

I personally do not care if kids attend my wedding. We are having an early wedding (10 am) but, many of the families we are inviting have large families, and even the family that I have been babysitting for the past two years has five kids. I am the only babysitter this family has ever had, and I am closest to the kids so it would be odd for the parents to come without them. We are also having 6 kids under the age of 10 in our wedding party. Finding a good babysitter is hard, and I can understand parents not wanting to leave their kids with just anyone, especially on a weekend for an evening wedding. Plus, many teenagers are not as interested in babysitting or have other jobs, and many times family is not close by to help out.

For me it depends on the wedding, and the family hosting, but I certainly want the children of the couples I am inviting to be there.

[Deleted User]

as a kid the only weddings i went to were my 2 uncles' and i was the flowergirl in both.

i dont understand why people NEED to have their children everywhere either. We are having 2 ringbearers and I was speaking to the mother of the one ringbearer who will be 3 at the time and she asked me if there is any reason why we would need him at the reception. After the ceremony/necessary photo sessions she wants to send him home with her mother-in-law.....i wanted to kiss her for realizing she wants to ENJOY MY WEDDING instead of running after her son.

If somebody doesn't want to come to my wedding because their child isn't invite - oh well.

mysticl

I'm 35 and I was always invited to weddings with my parents.  They had no problem leaving me with sitters but if I was invited to the wedding they took me.  To me the thing about taking/inviting kids is that the kids of my family are my family and the kids of my friends are my friends so why wouldn't I want them?

NillaWafer10

I don't get it either, but I don't have kids.  The only thing I can think of is how expensive sitters are these days.  I saw a posting in my neighborhood for $15 an hour!  What the heck did I get my degree for?  I could have been a professional baby sitter haha!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-new-trend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:523e5b83-cf32-489e-9fc7-1f7281381765Post:65dc8c4b-39c4-48d3-80e5-55cbc3ffc65c">Re: Is this a new trend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 35 and I was always invited to weddings with my parents.  They had no problem leaving me with sitters but if I was invited to the wedding they took me.  To me the thing about taking/inviting kids is that the kids of my family are my family and the kids of my friends are my friends so why wouldn't I want them?
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

Sometimes the children are too wild. Although our one set of friends have great kids that we would honestly love to have attend - another friend has a son who when over our house was let loose and our toothbrushes were in the toilet - shampoo literally spilt all over the floor - punched in speakers just to name a few things....HE is the reason no kids are allowed.....actually another friend has screamers for children, they added to it too.

You cannot invite one child and not the other therefore people set that general rule.

M&R7111

I can totally understand the circumstances where you just can't find a sitter.  I understand the people that need to travel out of town. 

I just don't get why parents get so upset and offended that their kids aren't invited.  Even more so are the people who aren't family!

AdeleDazeem

ahh... I'm way late to this, but I love this thread.

I DON'T GET IT! 

My parents went out without us all the time.  They had a large group of friends who also had kids and we lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone - lots of babysitters to be had!  And, when all else failed, grandmom came to hang out with us.  She was the only family we had close by - it's not like all of our family is within a twenty minute radius or anything.  My parents traveled, attended adult events, etc...

It angers me to NO END when people act like no one else can watch their child or they are at a complete loss when their child isn't invited.  Especially when people are like "well, we have to travel.  We must bring our children."  No.  You don't.  You respect the hosts and make a choice: 1. don't go and stay home with the kiddies or 2. Invite grandma over to watch her grandchildren for the night.

I am fully aware that everyone's situation is "unique" and "different" and "special," but really... leaving the kids home one night won't harm them.

banana468

I don't get it either.

There may come a time where DH and I can't attend because of our little one and an inability to find a sitter.  BUT, I totally respect the couple's choice to have a child-free wedding.

My parents went places without my brother and me all the time.  For us it was an excuse to sleep at our grandparents' homes and have a fun time with them.  For our parents, it was probably an excuse to not have to cut up someone's dinner before starting their own!

MairePoppy

This isn't a new trend. When I got married 30+years ago, people expected their kids to be included on the invitation. And my parents, who planned the whole wedding and the guest list, said "of course the kids are invited, they are part of the family, aren't they?"
As children, we were included in all, but the fanciest, weddings. I think what has changed is that weddings have become so expensive that it's necessary to narrow down the guest list.

trix1223

I teach preschool.  One of the things that makes me sad is when I have parents of my little students say they haven't ever done anything~even gone grocery shopping~without their kids along.  They haven't gone out to dinner alone, gone to a movie, or just walked around Target without their children in tow.

I'm often asked for advice for new parents.  The piece of advice that I think is the most important I can give is that parents need to keep their relationship at the center of the marriage.

They need to remember why they're together, and why they had their child(ren).  And their children need to see a strong, healthy partnership.  It teaches them about marriage and what partners really are.

It also teaches them that it's possible to be both part of a family, while at the same time being their own person, apart from mom and dad.

And those lessons can and should start very, very early.  It's NOT bad for kids to be left with a trusted sitter.  It's good for them to know that there are other people in the world that they can trust in addition to their mom and dad.  I think it helps to make them stronger and healthier.

And then.....when you're at the wonderful stage that DH and I are:  the infamous "empty nest", you find that you still enjoy each other's company and have common interests.

I worry about people who make the children the center of their universe and then find themselves, 30 years later, looking across the room at a virtual stranger because the only thing that they came to have in common was their kids who are now happily living their own lives.

Our kids had sitters:  grandparents and otherwise.  My DH and I went out together with them, and without them.  We went on wonderful family vacations and we went on wonderful vacations~just the two of us.

 We never assumed our kids were invited to everything, nor did we think they should come to believe that they were entitled to go everywhere we did.

And now, after 32 years of marriage, we still enjoy each other's company.  I wouldn't have done it any other way.

M&R7111

I remember when FI and I were looking at venues and some places charge children the same as adults.  I mentioned to FMIL that if the venue we were going to book (best deal)didn't give a discounted rate for the kids, we would not be including them.

FMIL immediately said "well then N and W won't be able to attend because they won't be able to find a sitter!" 

N and W have two girls, one is 7, the other is 9, and at this conversation took place 17 months out from the wedding. 

nbcarlson

I never once thought of having an adults only wedding, but that is because in my family we have all had kids at weddings, I've never been to a wedding where kids were not allowed. But that does not mean it is wrong to have a kids only wedding. If I were going to have a lavish black tie affair I would probably prefer that kids not be there. I guess it just depends on the formality of your wedding and what you are accustomed to.

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-new-trend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:523e5b83-cf32-489e-9fc7-1f7281381765Post:88078b16-2b80-4f48-ac7b-bb3faa09f77f">Re: Is this a new trend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never once thought of having an adults only wedding, but that is because in my family we have all had kids at weddings, I've never been to a wedding where kids were not allowed. But that does not mean it is wrong to have a kids only wedding. If I were going to have a lavish black tie affair I would probably prefer that kids not be there. I guess it just depends on the formality of your wedding and what you are accustomed to.
Posted by nbcarlson[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but this isn't a question on whether or not to invite kids.  I mean, I'm inviting the kids of my immediat family (my 1st cousins and my nephew) but I'm not inviting the kids of other people like friends of my mom's. 

The question is - why can't parents now-a-days seem to be able to go anywhere w/o their kids??

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-new-trend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:523e5b83-cf32-489e-9fc7-1f7281381765Post:bce98349-23ad-469b-b4a6-a40fad306ce8">Re: Is this a new trend?</a>:
[QUOTE]ahh... I'm way late to this, but I love this thread. I DON'T GET IT!  My parents went out without us all the time.  They had a large group of friends who also had kids and we lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone - lots of babysitters to be had!  And, when all else failed, grandmom came to hang out with us.  She was the only family we had close by - it's not like all of our family is within a twenty minute radius or anything.  My parents traveled, attended adult events, etc... <strong>It angers me to NO END when people act like no one else can watch their child or they are at a complete loss when their child isn't invited.</strong>  Especially when people are like "well, we have to travel.  We must bring our children."  No.  You don't.  You respect the hosts and make a choice: 1. don't go and stay home with the kiddies or 2. Invite grandma over to watch her grandchildren for the night. I am fully aware that everyone's situation is "unique" and "different" and "special," but really... leaving the kids home one night won't harm them.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Ditto.  For our wedding all but one (childless) couple are flying in.  Every single one of them managed to find someone to watch their little ones for an entire weekend, not just a few hours one night.

Lisa8888

Adult only weddings is not a new thing. They have been common for decades especially night weddings.

I think it is incredibly rude of people to insist that their children be invited. They have no right to impose on the bride and groom's wishes. And I don't believe any parents never go out alone and always bring their kids in tow. And if they do, there is something wrong with them. You can't live like that for 18 years. It is always possible to find a babysitter.

Children honestly don't belong at weddings. They are adult functions. Besides from having kids possibly screaming and crying and running around, it does change the atmosphere. Other guests sitting at that table have to watch their language and what they say because children are present. They have to sit through kids whining and being told to sit still. And kids get bored at weddings. The parents don't get to really enjoy the wedding because they constantly have to have their eye on their kids.

Some of these parents are really inconsiderate. They just want to impose their wishes on the bride and groom.

And it costs to have children attend. The numbers can really add up if you allow everyone to bring children. Depending on the age of the child and the venue, it can cost half the adult price or the full adult price. That can easily be $100 to $200 per child.

Too many people are selfish and self centered.

lmcit23

I don't understand why people don't get it - if you wanted their kids at the wedding you would invite them.  If you don't have a sitter stay home.

lisarose7

Many of our invitees have children.  Not one of them said they wouldn't come because their kids weren't invited.  The closest I came to a sticky situation was when my cousin asked if she coud bring her almost-6-year-old son as her date because her husband would be staying home with their 1-year-old (they live 2000 miles away).  I told her there would be no other children there and she just said, "Okay, no problem.  That's why I asked first."  My one bridesmaid who has a child actually thanked me for having an adult-only wedding because she and her husband wanted a weekend away for just the two of them (they also live nearly 2000 miles away).

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones...:)

flyjawn

a lot of people struggle to find babysitters if they don't have family nearby to help out.  i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have my parents and my sister.  

i missed my best friends wedding because he said no kids and my daughter was 4 months old and breastfeeding.  i had no choice - i needed to feed her every 3 hours. i went to the ceremony but missed the reception.

i don't really understand why people don't want kids at a wedding but i also respect that it's their decision.  at the same time, those people shouldn't be upset when some people have to miss their wedding.

flyjawn

just thought i'd add that the cost for a babysitter overnight in my area is about $100.

not everyone can afford to shell out that kind of money.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-new-trend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:523e5b83-cf32-489e-9fc7-1f7281381765Post:ea6af7f9-d1c9-4f99-8e7e-eefb9c91614a">Re: Is this a new trend?</a>:
[QUOTE] i don't really understand why people don't want kids at a wedding but i also respect that it's their decision.  at the same time, those people shouldn't be upset when some people have to miss their wedding.
Posted by flyjawn[/QUOTE]

Because kids cost the same as adults almost all the time. If you have a huge family and inviting all the lil' ones would add an extra 20+ people to the catering count...then you have to make some choices.

Also, usually the bride and groom are childless and younger. (usually). They're not interested in having a kid's fest. They are interested in having a party that is geared towards them (aka adults). If they were ready to have a bunch of kids running around, they would have had them already. If they're paying for the wedding it's their choice whether or not they want to deal with that. Most parents can keep their kids in check, but it only takes one child running around and getting hurt to ruin everything.

Ex. Little Susie is tearing around the reception and smashes into the cake table. Not only is your very expenisve cake ruined, the child is most likely bleeding, screaming, etc. Not exactly something you want your wedding to be remembered for. I don't think anyone wants that, but some parents really do not teach their kids how to behave. I know that when we went to fancy or special places as kids, my dad only had to threaten with the belt once and we were little angels for the rest of the time. Most of the time, however, we were babysat.

It sucks that people charge that much for babysitting. I never did when I was a babysitter. I don't understand the logic.

I think the child or no child thing really depends on what one expects from the children they would be inviting. If you have known terrors who have a history of destroying things, I don't blame the bride and groom for saying they're not going to spend $20,000 on a wedding to have stuff broken and damage deposits revoked by shenanigans. If that's not an issue, I think most couples invite kids and that's the end of it.

You're right. The couple should not be upset when people have to miss their wedding.