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I dont know if this question actually has an answer...

 I'm pretty sure almost everyone has an issue, big or small, with their in-laws or future in-laws.  But I have an issue that makes me want to pull my hair out!

  So my fiances family is really immature and they are very confusing when it comes to customs and traditions. He has three sister so far that are mothers, none of which are married. I know that surprises happen and people get pregnant before wanting marriage, but not many purposefully try to get pregnant right before they tie the knot.

I feel as if having babies is the only thing this family wants, none of them are even trying to achieve an education or even looking into getting a career. They work little jobs just to get by, and then push as any babies out as possible. On top of that, NONE of them are even fit to be parents.

This only started to bother me when they started to push me and my fiance to have children... My fiance loves kids, but hes really immature with them, and much to his surprise, I don't want kids! I know i am much too young and I don't have the maturity level to be a mom. He and I have talked about this for a while and have come to a mutual understanding that we are just starting out and are too young to be starting a family.

  Even though their is an understanding among my man and I, I am still being pressured.  Their not even asking nicely, they just keep asking "are you pregnant yet?" or "when you going to have kids? Dont you think it's time?"

I just want to yell at them! And tell them to f*ck off and focus on their own broken lives, and leave me be!

Anyone have a nice way to say back off? I have tried explaining to them that we aren't ready, but apparently it's not good enough!
~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~

Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:c0719041-78c5-4a9a-8ba0-3a0732447ed8">I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE] I'm pretty sure almost everyone has an issue, big or small, with their in-laws or future in-laws.  But I have an issue that makes me want to pull my hair out!   So my fiances family is really immature and they are very confusing when it comes to customs and traditions. He has three sister so far that are mothers, none of which are married. I know that surprises happen and people get pregnant before wanting marriage, but not many purposefully try to get pregnant right before they tie the knot. I feel as if having babies is the only thing this family wants, none of them are even trying to achieve an education or even looking into getting a career. They work little jobs just to get by, and then push as any babies out as possible. On top of that, NONE of them are even fit to be parents. This only started to bother me when they started to push me and my fiance to have children... My fiance loves kids, but hes really immature with them, and much to his surprise, I don't want kids! I know i am much too young and I don't have the maturity level to be a mom. He and I have talked about this for a while and have come to a mutual understanding that we are just starting out and are too young to be starting a family.   Even though their is an understanding among my man and I, I am still being pressured.  Their not even asking nicely, they just keep asking "are you pregnant yet?" or "when you going to have kids? Dont you think it's time?" I just want to yell at them! And tell them to f*ck off and focus on their own broken lives, and leave me be! Anyone have a nice way to say back off? I have tried explaining to them that we aren't ready, but apparently it's not good enough!
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>You sound really judgy.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Clearly you were brought up with your set of values -- education first, career/good job, then possibly kids.</div><div>
    </div><div>Other people have different values.  It seems like this family values, well, FAMILY.  They were probably brought up to think that children are a blessing and should be welcomed no matter the circumstance.  And not everyone thinks that education and jobs come first, as long as they have a means to provide for their families, then family is more important than career.</div><div>
    </div><div>It's not your place to judge unwed mothers, people who don't excel at traditional educational pursuits, or people who don't want some high-powered stressful job.  </div><div>
    </div><div>And I don't see how them asking you and your fiance about having kids makes them unfit parents.  Sure, it might not be any of their business, but them asking the question doesn't make them bad people.  </div>
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  • DeannaCWDeannaCW member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2012
    I've actually given the possibility of these questions some thought, as I have a health condition that may cause infertility or inability to carry to term and want a ready response so I'm not caught off guard while feeling vulnerable. They can be as polite or blunt as you want them to sound.
    "When are you going to have kids?"
    "When we decide to" (If you're really annoyed, emphasize "we")

    "Why haven't you had kids yet?"
    "Because we haven't"

    For people who keep pushing I plan to pull the maybe-infertility card along with a big dramatic crying fest.

    What my responses would be to the questions you're getting asked?
    "Are you pregnant?"
    "No" (you can also add "are you kidding?" or looks implying that they're the weird ones for thinking you are)

    "When are you going to have kids"
    See above. Or, if you BOTH plan on not having them, say "never". But only do this if FI is on board as well otherwise I predict drama with him too :P

    "Don't you think it's time?"
    "No" (add emphasis as needed, can add "no way", "h*ll no!" or other strong phrases)

    Lather, rinse, repeat. Sorry you have to deal with that kind of pressure :(
  • You're engaging with them way too much on this by trying to explain to them why you're right.  Here's the thing - they don't think you're right.  They are probably NEVER going to think you're right.  Get over it.  From now on, a simple "no" when they ask "are you pregnant yet?" should be fine.  If they keep asking, keep saying no.  If they ask when you're going to have them, say you don't know.  If they ask if you think it's time, say no.  Stick to short, simple answers.  There's really nothing you can do to make them stop asking inappropriate questions, so your focus should really be to spend as little time on this topic as possible, and the way you do that is by giving them as little information as you possibly can without being rude.
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    DItto Avion.

    I'm also going to ask about the "I don't want kids" part.  Is your FI okay with that?  It doesn't sound like it ("much to his surprise"). If kids are a really big part of his family and he loves kids, it sure sounds like he's going to want them.  And if grandkids are important to his folks, they'll probably always push the issue, even if it's slightly.  Y'all need to be 100% on the same page when it comes to kids.

    ETA: Well, now that I've read that again, it sounds like you mean you don't want kids right now? 
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  • Judge much?

    I co-sign with Avion, as well as with PPs.

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  • I wouldn't worry about judging them if they are doing the same to you.
    Everyone does it no matter what people say.

    I am having the same issue. But whenever they ask I just say not for a while. or not yet.
    Sometimes even play it off as a joke and say "I already did" and point to my dog.

    We just don't want kids right now. and I think that is fine you just know what you want, same with them.

    I wouldn't worry about it too much. :)

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:35615dde-2f8e-4046-afa7-99e97b57507c">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I wouldn't worry about judging them if they are doing the same to you.</strong> Everyone does it no matter what people say. I am having the same issue. But whenever they ask I just say not for a while. or not yet. Sometimes even play it off as a joke and say "I already did" and point to my dog. We just don't want kids right now. and I think that is fine you just know what you want, same with them. I wouldn't worry about it too much. :)
    Posted by applejambutter[/QUOTE]
    Juding the fit-ness for parenting is not the same thing that OP's FILs are doing. 

    I wouldn't answer their questions. It's none of their business and if they keep pushing I would just tell them what avion said.
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  • Ditto PPs. It's none of their business and when they ask, stick with short answers. If it becomes too much, consider asking FI to talk to his family if you both think it would help and if it would go over OK. My H and I are working on losing weight right now instead of TTC so he is already aware he may need to have a talk with his parents once I can't handle their "when are we getting grandkids" questions any longer.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:92ef60b0-0ec4-4a03-a65b-2e03a21101e9">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer... : Ditto this.  Two wrongs totally make a right!
    Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]


    Hahaha. This is why I love you, Linger!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:c0719041-78c5-4a9a-8ba0-3a0732447ed8">I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE] I'm pretty sure almost everyone has an issue, big or small, with their in-laws or future in-laws.  But I have an issue that makes me want to pull my hair out!   So my fiances family is really immature and they are very confusing when it comes to customs and traditions. He has three sister so far that are mothers, none of which are married. I know that surprises happen and people get pregnant before wanting marriage, but not many purposefully try to get pregnant right before they tie the knot. I feel as if having babies is the only thing this family wants, none of them are even trying to achieve an education or even looking into getting a career. They work little jobs just to get by, and then push as any babies out as possible. On top of that, NONE of them are even fit to be parents. This only started to bother me when they started to push me and my fiance to have children... <strong>My fiance loves kids, but hes really immature with them,</strong> and much to his surprise, I don't want kids! I know i am much too young and I don't have the maturity level to be a mom. He and I have talked about this for a while and have come to a mutual understanding that we are just starting out and are too young to be starting a family.   Even though their is an understanding among my man and I, I am still being pressured.  Their not even asking nicely, they just keep asking "are you pregnant yet?" or "when you going to have kids? Dont you think it's time?" I just want to yell at them! And tell them to f*ck off and focus on their own broken lives, and leave me be! Anyone have a nice way to say back off? I have tried explaining to them that we aren't ready, but apparently it's not good enough!
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

    Could you clarify the part that I bolded?
  • Man, I hate when people are so quick to assume that since you're engaged/getting married/married that you will automatically be ready to start thinking about kids. That may be the case for some people but that does not mean that everyone is going to be this way. My fiance and I don't want kids, and if we do by some chance decide to start a family, it won't be until we're at least 30 (6 years minimum), so that's not a question we even want to face right now. There's no one right or wrong way to live a life, so why people assume that babies come next is beyond me! I know there will be some disappointed souls in my family if I never pop out a little one, but it's my decision to make, not theirs!

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  • Out of curiosity, how old are you?  You mentioned a few times about being immature for kids, and just too young, so I'm just curious how young that actually is...
    Anniversary
  • I find it really hypocritical that you judge them for their lack of education, but you don't know which there, their and they're to use.  

    Stop trying to defend yourself or explain your reasoning.  When they ask, just give non-committal answers and change the subject.  If anyone needs to talk to them, it's your FI.  He needs to explain to them that the two of you will decide together when you are ready for children, and that their prying questions are making you both uncomfortable.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:24626707-0158-4de9-89f6-b7c86e0c4292">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to I dont know if this question actually has an answer... : Could you clarify the part that I bolded?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    When I say my fiance is immature with kids, I mean that he really doesn't treat them right. He tends to push their boundaries, when they say "please stop" he just doesn't care and keeps going... He's not mean to them or anything, he just doesn't realize that kids pick up their attitude from their elders. It just makes me know that he needs to wait a few years before having kids.
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:1030b8cb-f60d-4a19-9e06-b64adf20bc9f">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I find it really hypocritical that you judge them for their lack of education, but you don't know which there, their and they're to use.   Stop trying to defend yourself or explain your reasoning.  When they ask, just give non-committal answers and change the subject.  If anyone needs to talk to them, it's your FI.  He needs to explain to them that the two of you will decide together when you are ready for children, and that their prying questions are making you both uncomfortable.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    I don't see them as unintelligent, I just don't understand the rush to have kids when they have lots of time before they are considered "too old" for bearing children.
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:b1eedd59-6bdb-4733-8975-85949b405233">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've actually given the possibility of these questions some thought, as I have a health condition that may cause infertility or inability to carry to term and want a ready response so I'm not caught off guard while feeling vulnerable. They can be as polite or blunt as you want them to sound. "When are you going to have kids?" "When we decide to" (If you're really annoyed, emphasize "we") "Why haven't you had kids yet?" "Because we haven't" For people who keep pushing I plan to pull the maybe-infertility card along with a big dramatic crying fest. What my responses would be to the questions you're getting asked? "Are you pregnant?" "No" (you can also add "are you kidding?" or looks implying that they're the weird ones for thinking you are) "When are you going to have kids" See above. Or, if you BOTH plan on not having them, say "never". But only do this if FI is on board as well otherwise I predict drama with him too :P "Don't you think it's time?" "No" (add emphasis as needed, can add "no way", "h*ll no!" or other strong phrases) Lather, rinse, repeat. Sorry you have to deal with that kind of pressure :(
    Posted by DeannaCW[/QUOTE]

    Thank you for that! It's very helpful, and nice t know some people understand where I'm coming from!
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:3cdf4408-2bc8-4c96-af04-54842437c78e">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer... : I don't see them as unintelligent, I just don't understand the rush to have kids when they have lots of time before they are considered "too old" for bearing children.
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

    <div>Uneducated =/= unintelligent.  </div><div>
    </div><div>As a general rule, if you are going to comment on someone's lack of intelligence or education, it's probably best that you spell it correctly.  </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:22f840fc-a606-4beb-b39e-5cbcd9faf55f">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer... : When I say my fiance is immature with kids, I mean that he really doesn't treat them right. He tends to push their boundaries, when they say "please stop" he just doesn't care and keeps going... He's not mean to them or anything, he just doesn't realize that kids pick up their attitude from their elders. It just makes me know that he needs to wait a few years before having kids.
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]



    This would really concern me. Your FI has boundary issues. That isn't something most people grow out of, I am sorry to say. Does he at least acknowledge after the incident is over that he was being a total d!ck, or does he think it's cool to keep pushing a kid's buttons after the poor kid has begged him to stop?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:e34b28d6-efba-4ed9-a5f9-9ad9ff66bb72">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer... : This would really concern me. Your FI has boundary issues. That isn't something most people grow out of, I am sorry to say. Does he at least acknowledge after the incident is over that he was being a total d!ck, or does he think it's cool to keep pushing a kid's buttons after the poor kid has begged him to stop?
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

     I do my best to make him realize that his actions were a bit out of line, he seems to take a mental note! He just doesnt know why it bothers me....
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  • edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:adb449a7-c9ec-49a0-bdc8-38b8cc5a9b8a">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer... :  I do my best to make him realize that his actions were a bit out of line, he seems to take a mental note! He just doesnt know why it bothers me....
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

    <div>Unless he's like 15 years old, I would be very worried that he doesn't understand why it bothers you that he doesn't stop harassing small children <em>when they ask him to stop</em>.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA:  What I mean is, <em>not doing things that people specifically ask you not to do </em>is pretty much a basic requirement for functioning in society, and I personally find it troubling that he doesn't "get" it.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_i-dont-know-if-this-question-actually-has-an-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:58d2e68a-d8b3-4aa1-bbd0-7db68d59e97dPost:22f840fc-a606-4beb-b39e-5cbcd9faf55f">Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I dont know if this question actually has an answer... : When I say my fiance is immature with kids, I mean that he really doesn't treat them right. He tends to push their boundaries, when they say "please stop" he just doesn't care and keeps going... He's not mean to them or anything, he just doesn't realize that kids pick up their attitude from their elders. It just makes me know that he needs to wait a few years before having kids.
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>My ex-BIL is this way. I had hopes when he was still in high school, but now he's 37 and he still hasn't outgrown it. My children hate him with a passion, and I eventually had to forbid him to come to my house since he bothered my kids so much. He's not even invited to graduation parties and things since he can't behave. I just can't imagine being an adult and purposefully making small children uncomfortable!</div>
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