How do I handle...

AbHostetler2011

I have been engaged for 3 months, but we just set an official wedding date with the church last friday - Sept. 24, 2011.

From the moment we were engaged we had 3 dates picked out to possible get married, but we had to wait until we were sure I had some job security for another year. I had shared the dates we had picked out with not only my family (and close friends), but also my fiance's family.

My fiance told his mother the date over the phone while we were still in the parking lot of the church. About 15 minutes later, I receive a text message asking what time the wedding is going to be on that date. So far nothing to out of the normal.

But then when I respond we have yet to choose that, she tells me that my FSIL will be at a different wedding on that date. It was implied that my FSIL would appreciate us scheduling our wedding around another couple's wedding. (Luckly they are both in the same town)

I asked who's wedding she would be going to. I was informed "her niece". My problem is, neither my fiance or his other sister have children. My FSIL's husband only has 1 brother and he has no children. So I am under the impression this is a friend's child whom they refer to as a niece.

Should I be polite and try to accomidate my FSIL? Should I say "too bad it is our day and we will go on as planned with or without you"? I am just upset because I can't imagine my brother not showing up to his sister's wedding, and I would think that most siblings (who are actually rather close) would do the same. Am I wrong here? What should I do?

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:59c8cd83-eda5-49d5-832e-dc335e0e99ccPost:9955e4fe-f4f6-40b4-aa54-5492e18e4513">How do I handle...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been engaged for 3 months, but we just set an official wedding date with the church last friday - Sept. 24, 2011. From the moment we were engaged we had 3 dates picked out to possible get married, but we had to wait until we were sure I had some job security for another year. I had shared the dates we had picked out with not only my family (and close friends), but also my fiance's family. My fiance told his mother the date over the phone while we were still in the parking lot of the church. About 15 minutes later, I receive a text message asking what time the wedding is going to be on that date. So far nothing to out of the normal. But then when I respond we have yet to choose that, she tells me that my FSIL will be at a different wedding on that date. It was implied that my FSIL would appreciate us scheduling our wedding around another couple's wedding. (Luckly they are both in the same town) I asked who's wedding she would be going to. I was informed "her niece". My problem is, neither my fiance or his other sister have children. My FSIL's husband only has 1 brother and he has no children. So I am under the impression this is a friend's child whom they refer to as a niece. Should I be polite and try to accomidate my FSIL? Should I say "too bad it is our day and we will go on as planned with or without you"? I am just upset because I can't imagine my brother not showing up to his sister's wedding, and I would think that most siblings (who are actually rather close) would do the same. Am I wrong here? What should I do?
Posted by AbHostetler2011[/QUOTE]

Your FSIL already had a commitment to another wedding on the same day as yours.  I think that saying to your new family:  too bad, she has to choose between the weddings is just a bad idea.  Particularly when you have over a year to plan.  Honestly, you know she has a big commitment but you start with an attitude?  There's only one person who's going to come off looking bad:  and it's not your FSIL.

I might have checked with both families, and run some dates by them before I booked anything, but that ship has obviously left the dock for you.

I'd recommend trying to reschedule your date.  But only you can really decide if you want to p!ss off your new family before you even start your planning.


And one last thing:  I have 2 "nieces" and a "nephew" who are closer and mean more to me than two of my biological nephews.  And my kids have two sets of "aunts and uncles" with whom they are closer than they are to my DH's brother and his wife.  Please don't disparage or denigrate those types of relationships.

ctag416

Why didn't someone tell you that date wouldn't work when you shared your 3 possible dates?  That would annoy me a bit.  I don't know, I wouldn't want to start off life with my new family on the wrong foot so you might want to try and accomodate them a bit.  How does you FH feel?

I also have nieces and nephews that that are the children of close friends and I love them just as much as my biological nieces and nephews. 

Lisa8888

I understand family comes first and that you informed your FI's family of the 3 dates. Perhaps your FSIL didn't hear about the 3 dates or didn't know at the time that someone else had picked one of the dates for their wedding.

It doesn't matter how it came about. There are 2 weddings for the same day and your FSIL wants to attend both weddings.

It probably would be better for all involved to pick another date.

AbHostetler2011

That is my question. We have shared those dates all along, and no one mentioned a possible conflict. And it was always stated that our first option was the September 24 date. The otehr 2 options were back-ups in case the church or reception hall were already booked.

I think I would be less frustrated had someone mentioned there was a possibility of a conflict.

My FH is of the opinion don't sweat it. What happens, happens. Which is the right mentality to have. We both know the most important part is he and I being there, whether it be in a church, in a court house, in our living room, it shouldn't matter. But I am a family oriented person. My family is all very close, my FH's is somewhat close, but we have to make more of an effort to all get together and share time together since we are all spread out. Which is partially what makes it so weird that the other wedding is in the same town that we plan to get married in.

As for having outside nieces and nephews, I completely understand what ever one is talking about. I myself have those nieces and nephews in my life as well (actually 2 will be our flower-girls). I, however, do have a hard time saying I would forego my siblings wedding for theirs. At least, without mentioning that both were occuring at possibly the same time sometime during the planning process.

MairePoppy

Your fsil had a prior commitment. MIL let you know that as soon as she realized the conflict in dates. Don't make this into an argument over which wedding or relationship should outrank the other.

Since you're planning about a year out, it is probably possible for you to change your date. Call your church asap and find out what dates are still available.

aerinpegadrak

I would try to move your date if you want her there.  Otherwise, you have to accept the fact that your wedding may not be the one she chooses to attend.  Being put in a position like that really sucks, I speak from experience.

HisCB

i would hate to have to decide between my brother and my "neice"

before they were rescheduled, my brothers wedding was the day before my bffs wedding, and they were like 7 hours away, so we would be staying in my brothers town, and had to drive home at night right after the wedding.
luckily, they both postponed their weddings. hopefully not to the same day next summer!

its very possible that the SIL didnt know about the conflict until recently. the other couple probably just set their date too, since its so far off.

you barely even set your date, i would see what time the neice's wedding is going to be, and try to set your time to be opposite of the neices, if that wont work, then try for one of the back up days. dont fret over it.