NWR: Can I vent for a minute?

Jayceestar27

    My parents are getting a divorce. This is a good thing in my opinion. They won't work on their marriage or even communicate with eachother and it has in many ways poisoned our whole family unit. 
     A little bit of backstory to help understand the situation. My dad is the breadwinner as well as both parents. When we, the kids, were young he did everything as far as caring for us. He would go to work and when he came home he would feed us, clean, help with homework, laundry, grocery shopping, everything there was to do. My mother's method of caring for us was watch tv all day and ignore us until dad got home and then she would go lock herself in her bedroom. She did finally get a part time job but she wouldnot help with any of the bills or expenses for the house. Its been this way for as long as I can remember. She is also emotionally abusive to everyone in the house.
    So they are just now getting a divorce and my mother is taking my dad to the cleaners. She took all of the furniture in the house, wants $10,000 as payment for the house, $400 a month for alimony and my sister to go stay with her so she can get child support. The house isn't even my parents, its my grandparents on my dad's side and they don't even pay my grandparents rent to live there. Alimony seems ridiculous to me because my father pays for all the finances as is, she doesn't contribute. And finally, my sister living with her..  My mom now lives with two middle aged men, One of which my sister has openly said gives her the creeps and he looks at her in a very poor manner. He does the same thing to me also so I know it true. My sister will also be 18 in less than a year! She should be able to choose. I'm hurt that my sister has said that she doesn't trust that man and my mother is still willing to jeopardize her safety just for some extra cash she can force out of my dad.
    I am just so angry with my mother! She has never cared about anyone but herself. I just don't understand how she can do this and not give a crap. Ugh. I want nothing to do with her anymore. I'm sick of her thinking she can treat us, her family, like sh!t because we are her family and we"have to forgive her". So I guess I do have a question. How wrong is it that I just want to cut all ties with her? People around me act like she is the victim and because she is my mother, no matter how terrible, I still need to deal with it. Any input or advice is appreciated. Sorry for the lengthy vent.

beachwed10

You are not wrong at all for wanting to. My FI's mother is the same but unfortunately so is his step dad. The situation tore at him so bad I finally convinced him to talk to a therapist who advised him the healthiest thing to do is cut her out. She can't and won't be what you need. Since he has he is much happier. As he did, you may need to grieve the loss of a parent, one that you never had to begin with.

Maggie0829

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.  Is your Dad doing anything to fight back against what she wants? 

I think that if someone is in your life that is poisonous in a way, no matter who it is, it is best to trim the fat.  Of course this is your Mother and to cut ties with her completely may be a bit harder then it would be with an aquaintenance or a friend.  But you need to do what is best for you.  If you feel like your life would be better without her in it you need to do what you need to do.  Do not listen to what others say.  You may end up losing more then just your Mother but you need to stay strong in your decision and know that your life will be better for it.

BAS19

I agree with PP. I also partially understand your situation. My dad was the one who made most of the money, took care of me and the house and my brother and sister who are not his children. My parents got divorced when I was 12. When I was 14 I decided it was best to live with my dad. Neither parent would have fought who I chose to live with, but is there any way your sister can speak to a counselor at school and have them find a program that will give her a voice in this decision? I know depending on the state their is a program called Guardian Ad Litem (not sure on spelling) that gives minors a voice in court. They are usually a lawyer who volunteers their time to help out in these kinds of situations. She will be able to voice her concerns about these men and to a third party and hopefully not be put into a bad living situation. Good luck!

Jayceestar27

Thanks for your comments. It does give me some confidence to just cut her out. I guess the hardest part is that sometime she is nice and fun to be around. So those nice times I want to think that she is going to be that way. I just keep hoping she is actually making an effort and I fall for it. And then she does something like this or tells me i'm a b*tch and she never wanted us, the kids, and I feel even more hurt and angry because I trusted her even though I tell myself I shouldn't. 

As far as my dad fighting back, He said he is going to find a lawyer. While she was moving out he was so nice to her... He helped her move, didn't fight over furniture, bought her little things she would need, put gas in her car just so much to try to make it civil and this is what she does.

Jayceestar27

My sister is seventeen so I believe she is old enough to get a say in who she wants to stay with. She may even be eighteen by the time the court date would take place. My mother didn't even talk to my sister about what she wanted to do... I'm not sure how to express how I feel. I guess with the age of my sister and that my mom didn't even ask her what she wanted to do just feels like its another way for my mother to try to control the situation and stick it in my dad's face. Not sure if that makes sense.

allychase

Your sister should absolutely get some say in where she goes and if she explains in a court setting why she wouldn't want to stay with her mother and some creepy men I think she'd be able to stay with your dad in a heartbeat. I dont know much about the process of emancipation but if she feels this strongly about it perhaps look into that? I moved out when I was 17 and never looked back so I guess I'm a little biased but your sister should stand up for herself and just refuse to move with your mother. 

beachwed10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-can-i-vent-for-a-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6c780b6d-d56d-4c20-bc56-ba02e5b7a069Post:cc78a752-ee50-45d7-b8e7-0c6ddc009cf3">Re: NWR: Can I vent for a minute?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your comments. It does give me some confidence to just cut her out. I guess the hardest part is that sometime she is nice and fun to be around. So those nice times I want to think that she is going to be that way. I just keep hoping she is actually making an effort and I fall for it. And then she does something like this or tells me i'm a b*tch and she never wanted us, the kids, and I feel even more hurt and angry because I trusted her even though I tell myself I shouldn't.  As far as my dad fighting back, He said he is going to find a lawyer. While she was moving out he was so nice to her... He helped her move, didn't fight over furniture, bought her little things she would need, put gas in her car just so much to try to make it civil and this is what she does.
Posted by Jayceestar27[/QUOTE]

FI's mom pulled the same crap.  One day she hated him and wished she'd had an abortion and the next day he was her hero.  I watched it destroy him over and over again for 6 years until he finally put his foot down.  It's a way for her to manipulate your feelings and maintain some power over you.  It won't be pretty if you decide to cut her out, but you know what is the best for you and you just have to stick by your decision. I'm sorry you're going through this.

kmbryant2413

I'm fairly new around here, but this sounds a lot like the situation that happened when I was younger and my parents were divorcing, so I thought I would throw in my two cents.

It really, truly sounds like your mom might be biploar. Even if she isn't, her behavior swingly wildly like that is not good for anyone to be around, let alone children. Can you expect you or your sister to be stable people if a parent does not display any sort of stability? I don't think so. Toxicity seeps into everything it touches, if left there long enough. If you do decide to cut her out like PP's have suggested, expect anything from gifts and pleading and tears to curse words, hurled objects, and threats. Both, either, or neither could happen, and that's the worst part of it. The unknown. Don't be scared of that, though.

Your sister absolutely has say in where she goes. I was 11 when my parents split and I had the choice where I went at that age(mind you, that was in TX). So her being almost 18, there's no way a court can force her to stay with one or the other unless they find one parent to be insufficient (no job, deadbeats, CREEPY DUDES THAT EYEBALL YOU), etc. Until they go to court and something is said otherwise by the judge, your sister has absolutely every right to stay with your father if she wants to (or neither, if it is feasible).

Like allychase, I also moved out when I was 17 and never came back. All the PP's have great advice. Just wanted to tell you that someone else out there has been where you have been, with younger siblings in tow! Good luck, ask all the questions you need, and stay strong!

winelover123

Your mother sounds like my FMIL - in all seriousness. My condolences. You are in no way wrong for wanting to cut ties. I know my FSIL has pretty much cut ties with her mother by now, and FI only talks to his mom when she calls. Your mother (and my FMIL) are not victims. One thing my mom has told me that helps with forgiving later on is that you have to eventually accept your parents for who they are. That doesn't mean you're wrong with cutting ties with your mom, it will just help give you some peace of mind later down the road when you're ready. Your sister needs to go somewhere where she feels safe. Has she talked to your dad about her concerns with creepy guy? With any luck she'll be 18 when it goes to court so she really will be able to choose who she lives with.

Jayceestar27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-can-i-vent-for-a-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6c780b6d-d56d-4c20-bc56-ba02e5b7a069Post:6a98f710-805f-4035-8963-48f671568419">Re: NWR: Can I vent for a minute?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm fairly new around here, but this sounds a lot like the situation that happened when I was younger and my parents were divorcing, so I thought I would throw in my two cents.<strong> It really, truly sounds like your mom might be biploar. Even if she isn't, her behavior swingly wildly like that is not good for anyone to be around, let alone children. Can you expect you or your sister to be stable people if a parent does not display any sort of stability? I don't think so. Toxicity seeps into everything it touches, if left there long enough.</strong> If you do decide to cut her out like PP's have suggested, expect anything from gifts and pleading and tears to curse words, hurled objects, and threats. Both, either, or neither could happen, and that's the worst part of it. The unknown. Don't be scared of that, though. Your sister absolutely has say in where she goes. I was 11 when my parents split and I had the choice where I went at that age(mind you, that was in TX). So her being almost 18, there's no way a court can force her to stay with one or the other unless they find one parent to be insufficient (no job, deadbeats, CREEPY DUDES THAT EYEBALL YOU), etc. Until they go to court and something is said otherwise by the judge, your sister has absolutely every right to stay with your father if she wants to (or neither, if it is feasible). Like allychase, I also moved out when I was 17 and never came back. All the PP's have great advice. Just wanted to tell you that someone else out there has been where you have been, with younger siblings in tow! Good luck, ask all the questions you need, and stay strong!
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

When I was 17 I moved in with a family friend for about six month because I couldn't take how she was treating me. Because of that she and my dad went to counseling for awhile. The counselor suspected my mom have borderline personality disorder. My mom of course, just stopped going and said the counselor didn't know what she was talking about(that being a nice way of putting it).  I completely agree with the stability comment. It actually is a huge worry to me.

megannie

I had a similar situation, but I am the parent who dealt with the unstable parent. My ex was extremely emotionally abusive, and still is 7 years after our divorce. The kids don't see him anymore, except for my youngest who sees him about two days a month for a few hours, and even then he is spewing his negativity.  I don't know the laws in your state, but in ours I was able to request a meeting with family court, which allowed the kids to go speak individually to a counselor who made a recommendation to the judge in their behalf. They all spoke of how they were treated at their father's house, and how much they didn't want to go there. The counselor spoke on their behalf and it has been years since any of them have spent the night at his house. I am so sorry for you and your sister, because I lived through my children coming to me for years so upset about what their father had said or done. Talk to an attorney. Find out what your sister's rights are. In my state, you cannot receive child support in most cases after the age of 18 anyway, so it would be pointless for your sister to go live with your mother. Your mom wouldn't get support for long.

I truly hope that you can find a way through this mess. And best of luck to your father too, and kudos to him for knowing how important it is to be a true parent.

JaxInBlue

Agree with a lot of what previous posters have said.  Your sister should ask her school guidance counselor or school pyschologist to help her obtain a guardian ad litem or her own legal representation; depending on the dynamics of family court in your state, your dad's attorney may be able to request she be given her own counsel.  Either way, she needs an advocate to act for her now in order to get her away from the situation in which she currently finds herself.  Depending on her post-high school plans, it's  possible that your parents' custody arrangement will need to consider more than where she lives through 18, things like her eligibility to be covered by a parent's health insurance until 26 or to have access to information about their incomes for any financial aid information she files while still living at home.  She needs to protect herself and her physical and emotional health.