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Am I asking too much out of fiance?

I need help!  I always feel like I am asking too much out of my fiance! For example, my car broke down before I left for work one morning and left me standed at home, knowing I was going to miss a work day. I work 30 min from home, so I cant take a bus or anything like that.  My mom was 2 hours away, dealerships werent open yet, and no friends were awake.  My fiance had left for work 30 min ago, so I called him hoping he could come home and help me.  He works with his dad, so his dad isnt like a normal, understanding boss.He was unable to come and help me with my car, so I got upset. Which led to him getting upset, which lead to his dad yelling at me "I need to understand that he has sh*t to get done too."  All I wanted was the support from my fiance when I was stressed and had no one else. And this happens frequently in our relationship, I constantly feel like whenever I need the support he is never there.  He rarely gives up his present activity to help me when I am stressed and need him most. It makes me question our engagement.  I feel like I ask too much but then at other times I feel like I just want the support that any other relationship has. I would give up anything for him, but I doubt he would do the same. HELP!!!   

Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:63a76dde-993f-45e4-8ba0-7440bb039b72">Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I need help!  I always feel like I am asking too much out of my fiance! For example, my car broke down before I left for work one morning and left me standed at home, knowing I was going to miss a work day. I work 30 min from home, so I cant take a bus or anything like that.  My mom was 2 hours away, dealerships werent open yet, and no friends were awake.  My fiance had left for work 30 min ago, so I called him hoping he could come home and help me.  He works with his dad, so his dad isnt like a normal, understanding boss.He was unable to come and help me with my car, so I got upset. Which led to him getting upset, which lead to his dad yelling at me "I need to understand that he has sh*t to get done too."  All I wanted was the support from my fiance when I was stressed and had no one else. And this happens frequently in our relationship, I constantly feel like whenever I need the support he is never there. <strong> He rarely gives up his present activity to help me when I am stressed and need him most.</strong> It makes me question our engagement.  I feel like I ask too much but then at other times I feel like I just want the support that any other relationship has<strong>. I would give up anything for him, but I doubt he would do the same. HELP!!!</strong>   
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

    I think your FI is the one person you SHOULD be able to count on for both the big and little things in life.

    Having said that, when I read the part about the car breaking down, I wondered why you couldn't either call work and say "My car broke down, and I'm working on a ride in, but I'll be late."  and/or wake a friend up, rather than make your FI leave HIS job. I might have been inclined to call a friend and say "I know I just woke you, but I need a favor."  I would help a friend if I got that call.

    Anyway, my DH is the first person I call when I need something/anything.  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you're considering marrying someone who <strong>rarely gives up his present activity to help me when I am stressed and need him most.</strong><strong> </strong>and, in your own words:<strong>   I would give up anything for him, but I doubt he would do the same. HELP!!!</strong>  

    Marriage isn't going to make this better.  It's just not.  I think you need to rethink this relationship.  Good luck.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    I agree with trix. I could understand how your FI was at work but there was no need for his dad to speak to you like that. My FI would have asked what is wrong & told me what to try. If worse came to worse he would either have come down or sent somebody. Your FI not even attempting to help you is not a good thing. Especially if you say he never helps you. I agree that you need to rethink your life with him It's better figuring it out now then after you are married. It wont get any better as a marriage.
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    Get AAA. You should be able to handle your own car troubles.

    Sounds like you get stressed a lot. Your FI shouldn't have to drop everything to baby you because you are stressed out. Get control of yourself.

    Your FI has responsibilities at work. He shouldn't have to leave work because you are stressed.
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    Thanks... it helps. And for the record, I did call my work and I did have arrangements to get towed to a dealership to get a rental.. but I feel like its just the idea that he's never there.  And I have no support from his family, they feel like I take him away from them and his previous kids (last relationship) too much.  Which I may sometimes, but if he is wanting to start a life with me isnt there times where he should focus on our relationship together and not always put his kids before me?  Just venting now...  :) Thanks for the help
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    Three words:  Couples' counseling NOW.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    It doesn't matter who his boss is, you can't expect your FI to up and leave work whenever you need him. Just because his dad is is boss, that doesn't make the relationship any less professional or mean that he should be more understanding. That being said, he was out of line to say that to you and if your FI didn't defend you (by telling his father not to talk to you that way), then there is a problem.

    As for the kids, what do you mean by putting them first? They are his kids, of course he's going to look out for them and do what he has to do. I think you need to sit down with him and say what you said here, that you need to know he is willing to make an effort when you need him. If he can't give you the time and attention you need, then you need to figure something else out.
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    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:f81b58f9-f02c-4f73-99b1-538809c78f44">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks... it helps. And for the record, I did call my work and I did have arrangements to get towed to a dealership to get a rental.. but I feel like its just the idea that he's never there.  And I have no support from his family, they feel like I take him away from them and his previous kids (last relationship) too much.  Which I may sometimes, but if he is wanting to start a life with me isnt there times where he should focus on our relationship together and not always put his kids before me?  Just venting now...  :) Thanks for the help
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

    If you took care of your car crisis, why did you want your FI to leave work to be with you? That doesn't make any sense.

    Its not his family's role to give you support.

    You really do sound very needy. Your FI shouldn't have to focus on you all the time. He has other things in life like his family, his job and his children. Don't use your FI as a crutch.

    Sounds like you have a real issue with his children. He isn't going to ditch his kids for you. If you can't accept that, move on.
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    The fact that there are kids changes things.  Are the things he won't stop doing for you relating to his kids?  Are you insisting he put you before them?  If so then you might be the problem.  They are his children and very important to him, don't make him choose. 

    If its not about his kids then you guys still need counseling, he shouldn't treat you this way.  I'm sorry to be rude, but his kids are still important, just remember that. 
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    His children should come first.  If I was engaged to a man who had children I would expect them to be a priority in his life.  I am also the product of divorce so I am biased in that regards.

    As for the rest, I agree with Trix, find a good therapist.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:f81b58f9-f02c-4f73-99b1-538809c78f44">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks... it helps. And for the record, I did call my work and I did have arrangements to get towed to a dealership to get a rental.. but I feel like its just the idea that he's never there.  And I have no support from his family, they feel like I take him away from them and his previous kids (last relationship) too much.  Which I may sometimes, but if he is wanting to start a life with me isnt <strong>there times where he should focus on our relationship together and not always put his kids before me?</strong>  Just venting now...  :) Thanks for the help
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

    Nope. The human beings that he helped create should always come first.
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    Ditto Trix. COUNSELING! and YES....His kids will ALWAYS come first. This is part of marrying someone who already has children. Either deal with that or move on.
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    I guess it comes down to the fact I feel I have no support from him, whether it be the car situation at first, or his kids, there is not much time where it is just US, and where he makes me feel like no matter what he will be there. So why are we engaged? When we do have our RARE good times, he makes me feel complete.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:64612284-917f-4a24-83b5-7e6c0ed7b7ef">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess it comes down to the fact I feel I have no support from him, whether it be the car situation at first, or his kids, there is not much time where it is just US, and where he makes me feel like no matter what he will be there. So why are we engaged? <strong>When we do have our RARE good times</strong>, he makes me feel complete.
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]
    If the good times are so RARE then why are you going to spend the rest of your life with this man?


     You knew going into the relationship that he had kids. When your SO  has kids you should WANT him to put them first. You should watch him interract with his kids and "see" him as a dad. If he is a good father then you will know that he will be a good father to your kids together. Honestly you dont seem that mature to be in a relationship with someone that has kids.
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    You should probably seek counselling.  His kids will always come first, and that's the reality of the situation.  You'll need to find a way to fit in to that dynamic.  If you're good times are so rare, maybe you need to be doing some thinking about what you're gettting out of this relationship.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:64612284-917f-4a24-83b5-7e6c0ed7b7ef">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess it comes down to the fact I feel I have no support from him, whether it be the car situation at first, or his kids, there is not much time where it is just US, and where he makes me feel like no matter what he will be there. So why are we engaged? When we do have our RARE good times, he makes me feel complete.
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

    You are still whining about the car situation. There is no reason why he should have left work to support you over your car problem. Can't you handle a car problem on your own? Why do you need support over a car problem.

    You sound very insecure and needy. He is not going to devote 24/7 to you. Either accept it or get out of the relationship.
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    He should be there for you, but when kids are involved they are his #1 priority (the way it should be).  I agree w/ a PP, sounds like you're not mature enough to be in a relationship w/ a man who had children.  If the good times are so rare then why are you with this person?  Marriage isn't going to change whats already going on.  You need to seriously look at your relationship becuase you marry him.  Get counciling and do some serious soul searching and to be quite blunt...grow up or get out of the relationship.
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    Um, if the good times are rare, you shouldn't be getting married.  Period.  If you don't consider it "good times" unless he's focusing all of his attention on you, then you're in the wrong relationship.  His kids are going to come first.
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    If he's putting his kids first then he sounds like he has at least one priority correct; I'm not a parent but I realize what goes into being a good one, and ignoring your kids because your fiancee (talking about OP) is jealous of the time you spend with them is NOT the sign of a good parent.  If you feel that way about the situation, and aren't trying to become a family with your fiance and his kids, then it sounds like you're engaged to the wrong person and you need someone who has no kids.  In fact for the childrens sake I hope you break it off because there's nothing worse than kids growing up missing a father figure, preferably their actual father.

    Second, I know about family businesses, and I'm sorry he didn't drop what he was doing and leave his work but if it is a family business that involves more than just family, then he could have a very real reason for not leaving regardless of the way he and his dad talked to you.  In a family-run business where there are non-family members employed, it can become a very big source of employee discontent if family members are perceived as getting benefits the other staff are not, such as showing up to work and then something 'coming up' and leaving again.  If the business is one where not getting the morning work done is not an option, then that leaves his work for the non family members to do.  I obviously don't know what kind of business he's in but this may very well be the reason he couldn't leave.  I'm fortunate in my business, which is small and not family but run by a few close friends, that we typically don't have deadlines on our work that can't be pushed, and that we can all typically cross cover each other's responsibilities without a lot of notice, but not all businesses are like that.

    Finally, if he really does do this regularly and you're not just blowing a few small incidents out of proportion, which I'm still 50/50 thinking you might be, then yes, as others have said, you two need to get some counseling and try to work the issues out.  I don't hear too many happy engaged couples say they're thinking about whether they should even get married, and if you're saying that, then you should not get married until you get past any issues that would make you say that.

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    You two need to sit down and talk.  Is his job particularly stressful?  FI and I went through a similar situation, and on his end the problem was that he was just SO stressed with med school.  However, he reminded that he's working so hard so we can have a good future.  On my end, yeah, I was probably too needy (had recently moved to go to grand school, no local friends). 

    We ended up agreeing that he yes, he needs to be there for me, when I REALLY need him.  Is a co-worker being really annoying?  Vent to mom.  Boss suddenly VERY critical of me and my work after okaying it just a couple weeks prior?  Call FI.

    Ask yourself, honestly, how heavily do you depend on your FI?  Is it just for emergencies, like your car, or do you also interrupt him to complain that your landlord hasn't changed the air filter yet?

    I'm not trying to be mean.  I just know that I depended VERY heavily on FI when I was in grad school.  A lot of it was due to lack of local friends.  Do you have anyone else you can talk to?  I've found out that getting out the little things on a regular basis helps the big things not seem so bad, and you won't be putting so much pressure on FI.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:63a76dde-993f-45e4-8ba0-7440bb039b72">Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE] ...And this happens frequently in our relationship, I constantly feel like whenever I need the support he is never there.  He rarely gives up his present activity to help me when I am stressed and need him most. <strong><font color="#ff0000">It makes me question our engagement. </font></strong> I feel like I ask too much but then at other times I feel like I just want the support that any other relationship has. I would give up anything for him, but I doubt he would do the same. HELP!!!   
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

    as it should.

    ditto the kids should be first, you a close second.

    how is you being on time for work more important than him staying at work?

    i think he definitly could have handled the work/car situation better, but i dont think he should have left his job to help you. he could have offered to let you vent, offer suggestions, and appologetically let you know he cant leave work. he shouldnt have gotten his dad involved, or let his dad talk to you like that.
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    Kids should come first.  Since you're marrying someone with kids, having less "you" time is part of the deal.

    Get AAA.  Or just call a tow truck when you break down.
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    tldhtldh member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:64612284-917f-4a24-83b5-7e6c0ed7b7ef">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess it comes down to the fact I feel I have no support from him, whether it be the car situation at first, or his kids, there is not much time where it is just US, and where he makes me feel like no matter what he will be there. So why are we engaged? When we do have our RARE good times, he makes me feel complete.
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

    You just put into three sentences why the two of you need couples counseling NOW.  Also, family business or not, you can't expect FI to leave work because you have a dead car.  I've known since I was 16 to call AAA for car related emergencies, unless it involved an accident.
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    megk8ozmegk8oz member
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    edited August 2010
    First off, the kids have to come first. He's their father. They are children, you're an adult. They are dependent on him out of necessity, you are dependent on him by choice.

    And I actually can understand being a little upset when he couldn't help you by leaving work. But once it was established that he couldn't leave, you should have said "Ok" and then moved on to calling other people for rides and letting your boss know you'd be late/not coming. Making him upset over something he couldn't do anything about clearly didn't solve anything, it just made things worse. 

    And you may see it as "Oh FI works for his dad", but your FI should (And it seems he does) see his dad as his boss when he's at work. As his boss, he needs your FI to go in and do his job everyday, just like everybody else who works for him. If your FI worked for somebody that he wasn't related to, would you have pressed the issue when he told you he couldn't leave? Would you still have expected him to be able to drop everything and help you?

    When my siblings and I were little, my mom always used to have a rule about interrupting her when she was in the middle of something important: "If it's fire, blood or death, by all means have me drop everything. If it's anything else you can wait for me or ask somebody else". Sounds a little harsh, but I've actually been able to apply this rule when it comes to all of life's little emergencies. Yes, I obviously go to DH with my problems first, but if he's busy and it's not "fire, blood or death", I need to be patient or move on to get help from somebody else. On the same note, if it's something of the "fire, blood or death" caliber, he's there, no questions asked, and I definitely wouldn't be with him if I couldn't depend on that.

    Like PP, I suggest couple's counseling. It sounds like you could definitely use a neutral perspective on the whole relationship, especially if you're considering the good times "rare". But you definitely shouldn't be getting married with these feelings  of resentment left unresolved.

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    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:f81b58f9-f02c-4f73-99b1-538809c78f44">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks... it helps. And for the record, I did call my work and I did have arrangements to get towed to a dealership to get a rental.. but I feel like its just the idea that he's never there.  And I have no support from his family, they feel like I take him away from them and his previous kids (last relationship) too much.  Which I may sometimes, but if he is wanting to start a life with me isnt there times where he should focus on our relationship together and not always put his kids before me?  Just venting now...  :) Thanks for the help
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]

    I hear you girl, the issue isn't your car breaking down.  That's just a superficial cover for the deeper issue: he doesn't willingly WANT to be there for you whenever he needs to be.    Y'all really do need to go to a marriage prep class or premarital counseling and TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.  Marriage isn't going to fix this, infact it will probably get worse.  He needs to make you a top priority.  His family (excluding his kids) have to learn that they no longer will be a "main" focus in his life.  He has to switch his focus to his kids (First) and you.  Maybe his dad made him feel like he was in between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:d58cda45-d6b6-4c84-b74a-83a514cb3d71">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance? : I hear you girl, the issue isn't your car breaking down.  <strong>That's just a superficial cover for the deeper issue: he doesn't willingly WANT to be there for you whenever he needs to be. </strong>   Y'all really do need to go to a marriage prep class or premarital counseling and TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.  Marriage isn't going to fix this, infact it will probably get worse.  He needs to make you a top priority.  His family (excluding his kids) have <strong>to learn that they no longer will be a "main" focus in his life. </strong> He has to switch his focus to his kids (First) and you.  Maybe his dad made him feel like he was in between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
    Posted by jmkes[/QUOTE]
    Yes, thank you! Yes, I do know to call AAA (which I did.. i dont thin ksome people noticed that) and I did have it fixed without him.  You have it dead on, there was a deeper issue. I feel like I was over reacting, and some people thought I was, but it was the deeper issue I was more concerned about.  I handled the car issue by myself.  And as far as his family goes,  they dont care about anything that he WILLINGLY wants to do with me if it takes time away from him being in his home town. So I feel alot like I am being too needy in the relationship and in result having family not like me. Thank you for understanding, and helping me see it different. I maybe needy at times, but I want his family to accept me as a WIFE. As someone in his life that is very important.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:816ab7dd-261e-493b-8bfa-d8d1941c2af9">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You two need to sit down and talk.  Is his job particularly stressful?  FI and I went through a similar situation, and on his end the problem was that he was just SO stressed with med school.  However, he reminded that he's working so hard so we can have a good future.  On my end, yeah, I was probably too needy (had recently moved to go to grand school, no local friends).  We ended up agreeing that he yes, he needs to be there for me, when I REALLY need him.  Is a co-worker being really annoying?  Vent to mom.  Boss suddenly VERY critical of me and my work after okaying it just a couple weeks prior?  Call FI. Ask yourself, honestly, how heavily do you depend on your FI?  Is it just for emergencies, like your car, or do you also interrupt him to complain that your landlord hasn't changed the air filter yet? I'm not trying to be mean.  I just know that I depended VERY heavily on FI when I was in grad school.  A lot of it was due to lack of local friends.  Do you have anyone else you can talk to?  I've found out that getting out the little things on a regular basis helps the big things not seem so bad, and you won't be putting so much pressure on FI.
    Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]
    I do depend on him heavily. Sometimes I know a little too much.  But since I feel like he is rarely there for me, makes me depend on him more (like im trying to get him to be there for me).
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-asking-much-out-of-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:6eab8501-cb2d-4e2e-a312-96340b0ad43fPost:61bc813c-a0da-4096-b217-010263c245d9">Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I asking too much out of fiance? : I do depend on him heavily. Sometimes I know a little too much.  But since I feel like he is rarely there for me, makes me depend on him more (like im trying to get him to be there for me).
    Posted by aperfectloss06[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, that's called "codependency," and nothing makes a human male run for the hills faster.  Even if you guys don't get into couple's counseling, you should probably seek some personal counseling.
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    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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